Chapter 26
The Idiot/Tests
It was told of the ruling family and how, when all the Cat survivors of the holy war fled the mother ship in two transport vehicles, the old and the lame were left behind. And so was the Idiot.
When the first ark left Red Dwarf with the Blue Hats and crashed directly into an asteroid the Red Hats knew they were truly righteous. They also learned a bit about shuttle control, provisions and power vacuums. When the Red hats were about to leave Red Dwarf they cast out their unwanted dissidents
and left them behind to die in the cargo bay. This caused no end of trouble for them.
In the end when the Red hats left their larger Ark soldiers were
dispatched to kill the royal family who had been taken in a coup, some
several years earlier. The soldiers carried out their orders, but were unable
to bring themselves to kill the religious zealot idiot of the royal family. The hidden jelly brain, that like an idiot Savant, knew and embraced the Cat religion.
The idiot was mercifully left behind with the sick and the lame. One cold night the lame cat girl and the idiot snuggled for warmth.
Soon after the boy was born.
The last survivor of the ruling family.
Heir to the thrown.
The Ruler, simply called, The Cat.
Within the the smoking but stable White Midget the Cat was being prepared.
"What do you think would look best with my red sash? Fire orange or olive
drab." The Cat asked rhetorically, humming to himself.
"Wear the blue. Remember you're an heir to Tabby the fourth and he favored the blues."
"Whatever you say, Pebbles," he said. The Cat talked as he was pulled behind a blind by two royal attendants.
"Hey baby, tell these two clowns I can dress myself." The Cat referring to the attendees.
"Cat they are your royal servants," Pebbles said combing her hair. "Their job, is to dress you and bathe you and pamper and please you in every way. If were going to pull this off you better act as you're told."
The Cat came out from behind the divide dressed to the waist in tight blue french frilled Earl Flynn swashbuckling pants, with a bright red sash, to show solidarity.
"As long as your doing the telling," he said.
She eyed him carefully, then said, "What changed your mind? Why the change in heart?"
"A life threatening ride like the one we just took can change a man's thinking." The Cat said as a seconds laced up his puffy white pirate shirt with matching scarf, while the other buckled his knee high imitation black leather boots.
The Cat's eyes followed Pebbles' hips as she slowly started for the door.
"Hey baby, I got an idea. For now on why don't you just call me Bam Bam."
"Just remember you come out on my signal and do it the way we rehearsed." Her eyes were soft and pleading now. As an answer he gave her his famous long tooth smile. When the door closed behind her he said;
"Gentlemen, tonight we make history." Thought about it and finished.
"Perhaps twice." He couldn't possibly know how right he was.
The Cat was an instant success among the Tabbies. The way he handled the press with his outlandish answers and positive attitude, he was also great with the younger generation. To say nothing about how giddy the Tabbies on Cat World were to have their prophecy come true and not the Red Hats'.
The Cat was shown off like a trophy and was encouraged by Pebbles to be photographed with every important Tabby follower. Whom they themselves were absolutely delighted to have their picture taken with him, Tabby the Fifth.
The Red Hats denounced "This would-be token leader,"
and vowed war if this impostor was to try and take over Cat World.
The Cat himself was then put through a battery of tests that would frighten
a rugby finalist. Paw prints, hair samples, nail samples, nasal samples,
blood, tissue and almost every other sample one could think of. And possibly
a few that couldn't be thought of.
Retina scans, X-rays, bone measurements, dental records, and a host
of other were performed. Tests were done, then redone. Then done again, for accuracy mostly. The Cat assumed it was more the sadistic doctors
were having a slow day.
After an entire day of ordeals that would make a pub bouncer
tired Slate, The Cat and their entourage were given quarters within
the castle walls that housed the Clergy and the heads of state. Guards were put outside their doors.
"We don't know how all the locals are going to take the news." A Clergyman explained to Slate. "More hostile Red Hat factions might take extreme actions simply to be recognized. It's for your own safety." The clergyman left and a guard closed the door.
When the Cat was finally brought back to his room he was sound asleep.
His two servants carried him in on a rickshaw like device, undressed him, and
placed him ever so gently into his king size, four post bed.
The Cat had his own suite on one side of Slate, and the servant had a suite on the other. Slate's was a smaller single suite between the two, with the attaching doors, as per his own security request.
All was going according to his plans.
By sunrise the test would be finished and thanks to his precautions
would turn out to his advantage. If all went well his men should be on Red Dwarf working on it's destruction/retaking at this very moment.
Slate thought to himself that if all goes as smooth as this phase of the operation, and he could avoid war, soon he should have control of Cat World and possibly the mother ship itself. Red Dwarf.
"Then to more important business," said Slate, as he dead bolted his bedroom door and started to remove his eye patch.