Red Dwarf: The Missing Season 2.5
Chapter 27

Cat War

While most of Cat World slept, still uneasy and restless over the historical undertakings that had been taken the day before, the Red Hats were hard at work, you see they had a problem. All the tests done on the Cat came out positive. Positive mind you, that's unbelievable. Of course the Red Hats will lie to the general populace and say that the Tabbies are lying.

Unsure of how the population will react, over the next day or so The Red Hats' Inner Circle was conducting a series of secret meetings. The subject centered on how they should publicly denounce the returned Prince and his group of Outcats. The unquestioned leader of the group spoke:

"We can probably avoid allowing the Idiot's offspring from completely taking over Cat World, I don't believe that's a serious threat. I'm certain what they are really looking for is more leverage with the clergy."
He paused a moment to look for something in his mouse skin briefcase, when he heard a scuffling of feet outside the great chamber, just before the door flew open.

"I don't think that's the plan at all Red Hats. I think you're all wet." A steel hard voice said. The owner of the voice was hidden in the shadows, beyond the torch light that illuminated the stone lined room.

"Who said that!" Shot the leader at his constituents.
"It wasn't one of your kittens your Piety. It was me."
The Ace of Black hearts Rimmer stood in the doorway of the impenetrable inner circle of the Red Hats.

"A hairless ape! How did it get in here?" Someone demanded. Ace started swaggering towards the Red Hat leader. Three security cats seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at once. With the snapping of bones and an awful squishing sound Ace dealt with each accordingly. The incident didn't even break his stride.

"All in good time gents, all in good time." Ace said as he was making his way around to the large oak table. The Red Hat leader pressed a red button on the underside of the podium and tried to slink away. Ace put a heavy hand on the Red Hat leader's shoulder and drew him in.

"Red Hat followers your day has come." He announced. Your prophesy has been left unfulfilled and your worst nightmare, politically speaking, has come true.
Still you sit here and guess at what the opposition has in mind." Ace seemed to ignore the rustling behind convenient shadows.

"Slate and his followers want to rule Cat world and destroy all remnants of the Red Hats. If you let these would be rulers, The Outcats, come into power through lack of foresight, then gentlemen, may your god have mercy on your souls."

"And who are you to come barging in here unannounced and start spreading unfounded lies." The Leader was feeling braver now that he heard the same rustling that Ace still chose to ignore. From all sides Cat Guards in ceremonial uniforms emerged from the shadows and encircled Ace and started moving in.

Ace stood ready for action. "Now now gents, you didn't have to send for dancing partners on my account. My cards full already." The guards kept moving in.

"Ah well, if I must, I must. Get some circulation in the old fisteroonies." Some short twenty two second and much carnage later the final guard hit the floor with a sickening splat.

"Well Gentlemen, let's have a war." Ace of Black Hearts Rimmer smiled at the paralyzed Cat men.

"What say you?"
The response was lacking.

The first attack was seemingly insignificant in the larger scope of the war. But so precisely calculated was it that, scarcely eighteen hours later the domino effect started, it would force the entire Cat population into a bloody civil war. It was conceived by a mind so twisted and fiendish that it could have Hermann Goering over for tea, and Goering would be the prude.

The leaders of the Red Hats were surprised by the numbers
of onlookers and followers of Tabby the Fifth. AKA the Cat. It seemed that within the last decade or so, due to technological advances their advisors advised, the Tabbies numbers actually exceeded the Red Hats.

"There are more them than us." was murmured among the Red Hats. This was startling news to these Red Hats and their leaders. Seeing how when they left the mother ship Red Dwarf there were only a handful of these workers.

This handful was used for more dangerous and grueling work such as repairs outside the ship. They were needed, but due to religious specifications these laborers, who would travel in the ark couldn't be Blue hats.

So in an elaborate ceremony, which the Cat people always loved and respected, these converted Blue Hats who couldn't actually become Red Hats either, became The Tabbies. This after some clever thinking on the part of the Red Hats. The name was taken from Tabby the Forth, who was well known and who started the whole debate in the first place. But as history showed, he was a Blue Hat by rule and in heart.

In the open the Red Hats were uneasy, behind closed doors they were down right scared.

"How could this have happened? Why didn't someone
foresee this? It's not my fault, my constituents are loyal."

These are the phrases that overwhelmed clergy meetings throughout Cat City. It was less so in the outer regions due to the Red Hats being more city dwellers, where the Tabbies flourished in the countryside. But when the news of the return of King Tabby the Fifth reached the outer regions many made the days walk to Cat City. The streets were filled with Tabbies.

A plan was made to increase the numbers of loyal military forces into Cat City from the outlying areas. In case the Red Hats were threatened by the numbers of Tabbies currently residing within the city itself. Combined with the almost hypnotic mass appeal the Cat seemed to have over his audience, the Red Hats feared the worst. Slate was barely noticed.

A dozen or so loyal Red Hat troops were given orders to march in formation into Cat City, but secretly at night. As not to arouse the suspicions of Tabbies or Tabby spies. During one of several secret night time moves, the first attack was made.

Well informed were the Tabbies due to sheer numbers and spies in the military. One such move of five hundred troops were singled out for destruction. The Tabbies who attacked the Red Hat Guards were few in number but they had a strange and clever tactician with them. Knowing the route the military troop would take the Tabbies set up an ambush.

In a particularly narrow passage, both sides lined with forest, the attack was made. The Military column was only four men abreast, causing the column to be spread over a hundred meters.

The Tabbies had cut the smaller tress that lined the road almost completely through. Leaving the dozens of trees vertical, but unstable. When the column had proceeded where all the troops were within the perimeters, the trap was sprung. The Tabbies were waiting in ambush behind the trees and with a signal all heaved, the sawn trees crushed down on the unsuspecting troop. Pinned to the ground, broken and helpless they were easy prey for the Tabbies.
They were killed to the cat.

Lord Pious of the Red Hat's eldest son was leading that particular troop. When news of his son's demise reached him he was beside himself with fury. He ordered all the Tabbies' leaders to be arrested at once, with force if and when necessary.

That so called Exiled Leader was to be exiled again. This time to a dungeon. None of this went over very well with the Tabbies, to say the least.