1966- Adaptation
Beverly is tall, slender and undeniably beautiful. Her voice is rich and powerful. She does not sing like an angel, quite the opposite. Her voice radiates a sensuality that she finds inexplicable. As she sings, her voice often sounds strange and foreign to her, she blames it on her father's love of Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday. Like her sisters before her, she takes to the stage in her homemade gown and sponge-curled hair, but unlike her sisters, she begins to win the 'big' trophies.
She is a composed and articulate speaker and she has learned the 'pageant smile'; all teeth, no gums and a slight squinting of the eyes when she needs the smile to read as real and unrehearsed. The worst part of each pageant is when she is expected to talk about her passions in life. Physiology is not an appropriate passion for a beauty contestant in the sixties so she has to lie.
She could compete on a larger scale, but she refuses to spend any of her award money on gowns or a proper coach. She'd rather squirrel away the money she has than gamble on a big pay-off down the line. The odds simply aren't in her favor and she is not inclined to take risks.
A little Vaseline keeps her lips from sticking to her teeth and with enough rehearsal, she can say any nonsense she thinks will win her another couple hundred dollars. When she begins waitressing, she considers abandoning the pageant circuit but finds being a 'beauty queen' is good for tips. Men are impressed by women who have been officially decreed to be beautiful. She finds their impressionability intellectually interesting and she is only too willing to exploit their weakness in order to move a step closer to her goal of attending an Ivy League school. The more she learns about human behavior, the less she likes people in general. She sees those around her for what they are, hormone driven opportunists.
2006- Restraint
Leonard keeps his head down and plays with his food until she asks about Emily. He says they went out and she seems nice but he doesn't think he'll see her again. When she asks why he mentions the infamous beauty pageant question.
"Has she deemed the question to be inappropriate or is she simply too intimidated to ask again?"
"She doesn't get it at all, Mother. She can't imagine why you were offended," Leonard's voice is full of indignation and Beverly is touched.
"I wasn't offended by the question, I simply thought it was ill-advised," she corrects.
"Well, it is offensive. She doesn't know anything about the way you were raised or what your life was like in Louisiana."
It's an interesting statement as Leonard knows almost nothing about Beverly's childhood. By the time he met her mother, the woman was already suffering from dementia. She took her children for two visits to Louisiana and all three children proved to be Yankees through and through. Michael got sick after every meal, Cassandra yelled at every man who flirted with her and Leonard wheezed in the humid air and developed a rash in every place where sweat was allowed to accumulate for more than a few seconds.
"Leonard, why do you think I asked Emily to reconsider the wisdom of her question?"
"Because it was rude and judgmental. She made assumptions based on her life experience without considering how different your life must have been," there's a fire in Leonard's eyes that surprises Beverly. Clearly they have hit upon a sensitive issue.
"Well, you're half right, Leonard. I wanted her to realize her question was rude and as I am in a position to help or hinder her future career, the girl needs to be more thoughtful when she addresses me."
Leonard shakes his head vehemently, "You shouldn't have to be in a position to ruin her life for her to treat you with compassion and respect. She needs to grow up and understand that not everyone had her perfect upbringing. Some of us... had different experiences."
She lets the accusation hang in the air between them. She knows Leonard hadn't intended to cast aspersions on her parenting, at least, not to her face. As a therapist, she knows they should address the issue directly so they can move forward with their relationship. As a guilt-ridden mother, she lets the words stand and hopes they can both agree to ignore them.
Leonard seems to share her preference.
"So, Emily is a nice girl but she's too immature. She still thinks life is all about being smart and it isn't."
"What is life 'all about', Leonard?"
Leonard takes a moment to contemplate the question before answering, "It's all about being good-looking. And tall."
1956- Efficacy
Floyd jumps at the sight of Beverly sitting on his bed. His eye is swelling and there is blood coming from his mouth.
"Bevy, what are ya doing here? Why ain't you in yer own bed?"
"I heard yelling," she explains. She used to say that she was scared when she went to Floyd but she no longer cares to admit to people when she feels afraid. She hopes to stop feeling scared entirely someday but, for now, she has to fake perpetual bravery.
Her brother's shoulders slump as though he is suddenly exhausted, "There's nuthin' to be scared of, I just had a fight with Pa. No big deal, Bevy."
It was clearly a big deal, it was a big enough deal for Pa to leave his only son bruised and bleeding. She doesn't ask why they fought, she already knows the real cause; Pa drinks too much and Ma has too many 'friends'. Her father is simply misplacing his anger and, tonight, Floyd was Ma's surrogate.
She insists that Floyd clean his busted lip and gets him an icepack for his eye before he lies down and she heads back to her own bed. She decides she doesn't need Floyd to protect her. She took care of Floyd and, by the transitive property of equality, she can take care of herself.
It is a revelation.
On her way back to the room she shares with her sisters, she sees her father on the porch. She pokes her head out the door and suggests he go to bed.
"Soon as I finish this beer, Bevy."
"Before you finish that beer would be the wiser choice."
Her sassy words bring a flash of anger to his eyes but she feels no fear. She imagines her father as a large and irritable dog, any sign of weakness and he might bite. As long as she remains calm and makes no sudden movements, this cur won't give chase.
Indeed, as she predicted, her father wilts under her judgment and follows her into the house, his beer abandoned on the railing of the porch. There are many things she wants to say to her father but even at thirteen, she knows her limitations. More sass will result in her having a black eye to match Floyd's.
2009- Despondency
"Helllloooo, Beverly. Dr. Beverly."
Floyd's voice is slurred with intoxication. Their mother would say he was 'in his cups'.
"Floyd, why are you calling me at this hour while inebriated?"
"What? Have you got school tomorry?" he laughs uproariously at his statement.
"As a matter of fact, I do. I'm giving a lecture on the effects of early childhood trauma on the physical structure of the brain."
"Well, la-di-dah, you's always upta sumptin important!"
She sighs into the phone. Floyd is not an angry or violent drunk but he is tedious.
"Bev, Bevy. Drove my Chevy to the Bevy but the levy was goooone!"
"As always, it is simply scintillating to talk to you while you drink yourself into cirrhosis of the liver but I do have to get up early..."
"I'm real proud of you Bev. You really made sumptin outta ya'self and I'm jist real proud a'ya."
"Thank you, Floyd. That's very kind of you to say."
"An' yer kids are amazin', jist amazin'. They's all so goddamn smart! An' Cassandra's got her own kids an' she's gonna cure diabetes and Leonard's... I don't understand what he does but it looks real impressive and Michael's a hotshot lawyer. I'm prouda ya and them an' I hope Edwin is takin' good care a'ya."
"And you called me at 3am to tell me this?"
"No, I'm callin' ta say happy birthday. My baby sister is sixty. Sixty!"
"Indeed I am, Floyd. Time marches on."
"I love ya, lil' sis. I really do love ya."
"And I you. Now please sober up and we'll talk tomorrow."
"Love ya, lil' sis."
"And avoid fatty foods."
She is not surprised when Floyd doesn't answer her calls the following day. He is surely nursing a sizeable hangover. After two days of no contact, she speaks to his landlord.
xxx
Floyd's will is clear and well-organized. Beverly has taken a week of leave from the university but it takes less than two days to complete the arrangements. Floyd had stipulated "no funeral, no viewing, no wake, no nothing". She and her sisters share one evening of maudlin conversations and take flowers to the mausoleum. It is hardly Floyd's first attempt to end his life. They know of at least two other attempts and he's been killing himself slowly with his drinking for years. It's something they have all been prepared for and yet Beverly finds herself missing the brother she knew before Vietnam. She had been studying biology and chemistry with the goal of being a medical doctor when he went into the service. It was when he returned a haunted shell of his former self that she decided to become a psychiatrist. She'd never had the delusion that she could save her brother, she knew she couldn't save anyone, but she'd wanted to understand the complexity of coping mechanisms. Later, she would find her true passion in neuroscience which allowed her to see the physical results of life's traumas on the human brain. A person can repress ugly memories and act like everything is fine but no one can hide the abnormalities in their noradrenergic brain systems. In a way, it's soothing to Beverly to know that there's a concrete result of even the most intangible experience.
Sitting with her sisters and reminiscing about their childhood, Beverly wonders why she felt the need to make such a complete break from her family. With age, the bad memories seem less significant and she welcomes the reminders of all the good times. She can almost smell her mother's perfume as the reminisce. Any hope of a loving family reunion is ended when Beverly mentions their absent sister, Betty. Beverly is alone in believing that Betty left her family of her own free will. Her sisters react to the name as though it were a physical blow.
xxx
She visits with her mother in the nursing home but Adele is nearly unresponsive. Beverly holds her frail hand and tells her how well her grandchildren are doing. For all her flaws, she was a loving mother and it hurts to see her as a hollow shell of her formerly vibrant self.
Adele gives a small smile as Beverly describes her own grandchildren but she only speaks one sentence.
"Where is Betty?"
Beverly refuses to acknowledge the tears forming in her own eyes as she continues to talk about her offspring but she silently curses the firing neuron that brought Betty to her mother's mind. It is a natural desire to try and find meaning in such random occurrences but Beverly is beyond such indulgences.
When she leaves an hour later, her mother is staring at the window with a wistful look upon her face. Beverly is tempted to ask the woman what is on her mind but it's too late to start tilting at windmills, she has an early flight to catch and she needs to sleep.
xxx
Cassandra suggests Beverly not tell Leonard that Floyd hung himself. She feels it is better he assume the death was a direct result of his uncle's rampant alcoholism. Beverly trusts her daughter's judgment on the subject. She asks what she should tell Michael, and Cassandra sighs.
"Mother, it hardly matters what you tell Michael. He's a fucking sociopath."
Beverly doesn't argue with her daughter's armchair psychiatry or her lack of compassion for her youngest brother because Cassandra is essentially correct. Michael will display the appropriate behaviors for a grieving nephew but he won't feel anything while Beverly is assaulted with waves of grief with no outlet for expression.
Beverly would like to weep hysterically and pull at her hair. She would love to recreate one of her mother's melodramatic scenes from her childhood, complete with the gnashing of the teeth. Beverly is certain that while the research on catharsis is mixed, there would surely be relief in an ostentatious display of pain. If she were crying, no one would ask her questions or expect anything from her at all. She fantasizes about becoming her mother, if only for a few days, but she keeps her feelings safely in check. She has things she needs to do to put Floyd to rest and then she needs to return to work and to being a wife and mother.
Edwin offers his condolences but seems blind to Beverly's internal struggle. He also seems distant but Beverly is in no condition to address whatever is going on in her husband's mind. She is grieving for her brother and her lost childhood. Returning to her home state and seeing her sisters has reminded her that she is and always has been a square peg jammed into a circular hole. She is no more at home in the city of her youth than she is in the house she owns in New Jersey. Her children and her husband keep her at an arms length and they all speak with a 'Jersey' accents. They pronounce her maiden name Mar-tin rather than the French, and correct, Mar-tan. Her sisters are strangers, mother is barely coherent, father and Floyd are dead and she is an outsider in the family she has created with Edwin.