Chapter 35
Make me Hard /Rimmer & Spanners

Kryten and the FemVerse's version of Ace Rimmer finished repairs on the Starbug shortly after two AM.

"Now that we have the daily chores out of the way old banana, I
think it's time we got onto the show. What say you my old cream pie?"

"Anything you say Ms. Ace mum."

"Well you're the key in this giant intricate lock."

"I am Ma'am?"

"Yes, you most certainly are. Now if you'll please plug yourself in we can get on with this little party." Kryten depressed a small flat button behind his left ear releasing a mechanism literally popping the mechanoid's cranium hood. As Kryten drew out a lead from his head Ace said; "You'll work as my interface between Holly and the Starbug's computers."

"What will you be attempting mum that requires that much RAM.
If I may ask?"

"Ask away at anything you like old fruit salad. My plan is to attempt to transfer my soft light hologramatic light bee,"
Ace smiled a contagious smile a moment then continued. "Into a hard light hologramatic light bee."

"Hard light mum? What exactly is hard light hologramatic light bee?"

"Hard light, in theory mind you, would be about as close to living as
one of us deadies could even dream about. My light bee emits a wave of
light that has physical substance, although no mass to speak of.
By regulating the density of the light's wave we could, again in theory, fine tune it to the right density. Of course my bee itself will need some physical modifications. But we have Spanners to thank for all the ground work.
"Spanners mum?"

"Well the Spanners from my universe to be precise old chicken pot pie.
Remember that computer slug which accompanied my light bee. They were Spanners plans for a working prototype."

"Computer on." Monitors, panels and light illuminated the room. "If all the data Spanners correlated is correct the user of a hard light projection bee would have normal pleasure responses with the added bonus of being practically invulnerable."

"Is that possible Ace Mum?"

"Well, we'll soon see about that won't we now Krytus old clam," Ace talked as they worked. "The answer is stored in your head so if you don't mind."
Several depress buttons later and Kryten's pupils were replaced by tiny hour glasses as files were retrieved, opened and transferred onto Starbug's monitor. Soon numbers, figures and text filled the three extra screens that were recently installed by the Listers.

As Kryten's eyes soon returned to normal the mechanoid obtained the ability to speak and move once again. "Ms. Ace mum, where did you get this?" Kryten's eyes flashed from screen to screen. "It's astounding."

"It is a real genius piece of work, isn't she? It started with the plans Spanners hid in my black box originally. Apparently she must have been burning the midnight oil with the tech girls to get all this kind of information."

"It seems incomplete though Ms. Ace Mum." Kryten spoke while his eye remained transfixed to the third monitor. "Right here, it doesn't finish these
equations." Kryten pointed to another part of the screen. "And here, there
are no way for the neural passages to be able to reflect properly."

"Well then we've a job ahead of us, you old son of a mechanoid." Ace
walked up to Kryten. "Because if you can't make me hard tonight. There won't be any tomorrow."

If Kryten could have blushed he would have. "Yes Mum." Then added "I'll do my best." And for some reason Kryten thought about green snowy slush
on the Nova Five.

It was much easier than any had expected. Before landing Spanners
radioed ahead and the Red Hats were delighted that they now had allies in this oncoming battle, which they were rather unprepared for. Although Spanners had to take on a minor disguise as not to be recognized as Cloister. Or to be more precisely an alternative version of what the Cats believed to be their god. Either way minor alterations were made.

After lengthy explanation by Spanners the Red Hats were in love with the idea that someone else would take care of their problem for them. The Red Hats informants knew the general area for the big push by the
the Tabbies. The details were sketchy but they were sure the attack would come just after dawn.

Spanners and Rimmer had obtained permission by the Red Hats high council to act as observers in some of the smaller battles outside of Cat City, where the Red Hat's informants believed the Cat would most possibly appear.
Both were given temporary rank and partial uniform. This gave Rimmer more chills of pure delight than any dead person, before or after him, deserved. Spanners wore the hat and armband out of courtesy.

"So this is how it is then," Spanners started. He and Rimmer were within
the Red Hats twenty miles south of the city.
"You and I will each take watch of a branch of the attack and keep in touch via our communicators. When one of us spots the Cat or any of the robed outcats we call in the reserves and attempt to help subdue them. If the Cat's not with them we get some information, find their lair. Storm it, rescue the Cat and help subdue the rest of the Outcats. What could be simpler?"

"Forgetting all this and head back to the Dwarf for starters."

"What's that there then? I thought you were in love with the whole military leader thing. Especially the uniform Holly simulated for you."

"Well sure that's the best part. But I was just thinking. I don't really have to be here, on the planets surface do I?"

"What?"

"Well if you stop and thought about it I could just as easily direct the battle from Jupiter if I had the right equipment." Rimmer scratched his holographic H. "I might as well have jumped into an escape pod and do my bit from the comfort of the small rough one. The way a general would conduct a
battle."

"For smegs sake Rimmer I can't believe your pulling this. We need to be on the field. We need to have scouts everywhere and good lines of communications. You can't do it from the Dwarf."

"Absolutely right you are miladdo. How foolish of me. OK why don't you go out with the first scout party and I'll direct things back at command center as it were."

"Look man, here's the score, you want me to take the first scout party out. I can do that. But I want you to know that I disconnected the voice activation units on Blue Midget. You couldn't leave here by yourself if you wanted to."
Spanner smiled. Rimmer smiled back. Everyone was smiling, and no one was particularly happy.

"I'll be back in forty minutes, see if the communications tent has been set up. If it isn't make sure it is." With that Spanners walked out of the tent.

"Jammy goit. He's probably one in every dimension."