Chapter 27: I Can't Go Back
"Dad here yet?" Derek asked while walking in the door and setting his keys down on the bar.
"No, he said he would just meet us at Zorba's at 7." Mark said with a beer in hand, winding down after the stressful day of the pack out and the conversation with William. He was reading the Navy Times they had gotten in the mail the day before.
"At least some peace until then." Derek mumbled under his breath as he went to get his own beer out of the refrigerator. He had to unwind a bit from the events of the day. Derek walked into the living room and sat down in one of the black leather chairs with an ottoman. He took a deep breath and put the bottle to his mouth, taking a long gulp.
Mark looked over to him after a minute or two of watching him sit back with his head cocked back, "rough day?"
"You could say that." Derek took another long sip very quickly.
Mark looked to Derek and just shook his head letting out a sound of disgust.
Derek noticed, "What?"
"Nothing." Mark rolled his eyes not wanting to get into it with him now… not before dinner.
"Fuck you. How's that for something?" Derek getting angry very quickly; today wasn't the day to be screwed with.
"Okay then… what happened today at lunch with dad?" Mark wasn't going to play games with Derek.
Derek just looked at Mark with fire in his eyes. Nothing needed to be said, they both knew what was going through Derek's mind.
Mark stared intensely at Derek not sure if now was the time, but he needed to know. He looked to Derek very seriously and his voice matching, "He knows."
"It is my fucking life, and everyone needs to stay out of it." Derek was pissed and didn't want to hear about this from anyone. He knew he needed to listen to Mark… to his dad… to run the other way, but he couldn't.
Mark took a drink of beer not sure what to say next. They decided to sit in a somewhat tense environment for what seemed like hours, but in reality, was no more than 5 minutes until Derek got up to get another beer, "Another one?" Derek grumbled to Mark.
"I am good." Mark had a feeling it was going to be a long evening. He glanced back down to the Navy Times in his hands, Ways to Prepare for a Natural Disaster in the Military. He had no idea how it had landed on this page, but he was trying to get his mind off of the conversation with William as well as past conversations with Derek about Meredith Grey.
Mark decided it was best to change subjects and to somehow get out of this thick fog that had surrounded them in the short time Derek had been home, "Hey, did you get the list in your email this morning with the flight times for Sunday?" Mark knew sometimes the newer guys were left off of certain email lists, not purposefully, but it happens.
Derek immediately slammed his beer down on the bar that he had gotten out of the refrigerator, "I know how to do my fucking job."
Mark knew he had hit a nerve hearing the strain in his voice, "Look, I have no idea what the fuck is your problem, but you need to knock it down a few notches. I know that sometimes things don't get sent out when you are new." Mark said in a raised voice not letting Derek get away with being an ass.
Derek stood with both hands heavily sitting on the bar that separated their kitchen and living room/dining area with his head between his shoulders looking down. He knew Mark was right, but he didn't know what he was going to do. He has never been like this but, she drove him crazy. She is all he could think about, and he had to clear his head. He breathed heavily, "She is…" Derek thought for a second… What exactly was Meredith Grey to him?
Mark heard the hesitancy in his voice and glanced back to see Derek in his position of thought, "something you never meant to happen." Mark answered quietly barely allowing Derek to hear. He knew Derek didn't intend on this; it wasn't in his character to do something so irrational. But Mark knew Derek was tangled up in the middle of his feelings and wasn't letting go of them anytime soon.
"No, she wasn't. I know dad knows. He all but told me at lunch but I couldn't tell him. It compromises him in his position so no matter what Mark…" Derek shot his head up, "You didn't tell him did you. You said he knew. Please tell me…"
"No, I didn't confirm… nor deny. We all know how this works including him." Mark wanted to continue but wanted to wait for Derek's reaction before continuing.
"Yeah, I know that more than anyone Mark. I know what I am doing/. I know this is beyond bad, but I can't go back." Derek sighed, looking back down at the floor.
Mark took a deep breath; he knew Derek well enough to know this was consuming all thoughts right now for him. "Shep, we have a detachment we are leaving on Sunday. You have to keep your head in the game right now."
"Fuck, I know." He kind of half laughed once, "Do you know what she called me up there for today?"
Mark didn't respond, but listened for his next words positive he wasn't going to hear what he expected.
"She had to question me to make sure I had all my ducks in a row for the det. What kind of shit is that? I am the best damn crew member she has and yet, she has the nerve to ask me… to make sure I was ready." Derek shook his head in disbelief.
Mark knew that Meredith had to do this as his department head and boss with him being the new guy, but this is where this predicament caused the biggest problem, "Would you have been upset if you weren't in your present situation with her?"
Derek decided to grab his beer and sit in his original seat. He needed this conversation more than he realized. Mark was his one and only person he could talk to about any of this and right now, he needed him… he needed to be able to open up about this because keeping inside was killing him. "Honestly, it would have pissed me off for anyone to have done it. I am damn good at what I do and to have that questioned, is not okay. But, her being in the position she is complicates it all that much more."
"She was just doing her job Derek. She is like you, she is going to be the best and if you were in her shoes, you would have done the same thing." Mark said not sure how Derek would react.
For a split second he got pissed thinking it should be him in that job, but he couldn't dwell on that, he made his decision and until now has not regretted it one bit. Derek realized he did the same thing to his shop supervisor right before he left work today. He and Meredith were exactly alike in that respect. If their name was going to be on something, it was going to be done right and they would be all hands in until they had 100% confidence the job would be done correctly with someone else doing it. Trust… the trust had to be earned. Before he could answer he heard his cell ring, danger zone, Meredith's ringtone he set for her.
Mark didn't say anything but knew from the look on Derek's face exactly who it was. After a few seconds Mark spoke up, "Are you going to answer? It could be important."
"It isn't. Voicemail can get it. I need to take a shower anyway." Derek looked to Mark begging him not to say more both knowing it can always be important with the navy.
"Dad will be here soon." Mark replied, realizing now was the time to just let it go.
"Yes." Derek stood up, grabbed his cell phone, and started to walk to his bedroom. He looked back after a few steps, "You know, this is the last thing I needed or wanted, but there is something that I just can't turn off."
Mark smirked, "You just like all the hot sex because let's face it, Grey is fucking hot. We all talk about… " He had to lighten the mood.
"I don't want to hear… what you say about her, but say anything again and I will kill you." Derek playfully laughed back letting out a breath he was holding. He should be pissed at the comment, but he needed the second break from serious.
Derek then got a serious look back and said rather quietly, "Thanks Mark… for Dad. The last thing I want… is to disappoint him. I can't… his name… our name is huge in the navy, and I have to be careful. I know that."
"Yes, you do." There was nothing more to say. Mark nodded his head in agreement knowing this was hard on William and even himself for knowing this information but Derek… he was struggling with it all much more than Mark thought before this conversation. He thought this was some fun escape Derek was having, however Mark quickly saw… there was way more to it than he even realized.
Derek walked back to his bedroom and heard the voicemail indicator going off. He sat on his bed and stared at his phone. He knew he had to listen eventually and knew this was as good a time as any.
Derek, we need to talk… tonight. West Beach… ten o'clock."
What would the force of the night give them… the force of the ocean of crashing waves?