Chapter 37
On the Battle Field
On the battle field things were going as well as could be expected. On the
side of good we have a loyalist Cat faction which believe that Cloister will return. Led by the Red Dwarf posse and their better selves. Battling against the greatest evil in half a dozen known dimensions, The Ace of Black hearts Rimmer, with Slate and his brainwashed army of evolved Outcats.
Battles had been fought all day throughout the realm of Cat city.
So far no sightings of the Cat or Outcats were reported.
After meeting back at Red Hat base Spanners and Rimmer tried to make sense of the day so far.
"The thing that bothers me," said Spanners to Rimmer, who were on a hill a good two miles away from the Starbug which he had the scutters set up earlier.
"What is that, Private Lister?" As he viewed the battle through unoculars and waved.
"That the Cats have never launched an all out offensive. They've
hit us a bunch of times. And from different angles. Surey they know our weak spots. Why haven't they just over run us?"
"Ah Lister. Here's the important thing that you don't under stand about war."
"What's that?" Lister asked while absently shuffling a deck of cards inside his large tent that the Cloister's Followers set up. Their were dozens. This was their current base. As per his instructions by Ace.
"Everything." Said Rimmer.
"If you had, you would have realized long ago that I was leading you from the vantage point of this hill and directing the battle in such a way that the enemy is perplexed." Rimmer sipped some Sonsare wine and finished. "You see I've outsmarted my double, with my own special Rimmer genius."
"Or your other self somehow wants us to hold our position. As some kind of ploy," said Lister pulling random cards from the deck and tossing them on the table.
"But he has to come here. He has The Cat, he has Red Dwarf. How do we know he's going to attack Cat City. What would he want to divert our attention from?" Asked Lister.
"Listey you must be getting senile. Until god's gift to herself Arnie comes charging out of the woods on a white stallion with her secret weapon in hand or the Cat shows, we really can't do much but wait. And give orders."
"Yea but if this was Ace's secret plan, that none of us knew the
whole of, for security purposes, then how the smeg did Ace transmit the soligrams virus?" Lister said, his hands and facial muscles in motion while talking.
"He shouldn't have been able to," said Rimmer, suddenly understanding.
"Ace would have had to have known it before she jumped." Lister's eyebrows stood at attention.
"And if Ace knew then..." Rimmer paused as his face drew up in horror.
"...Then that bastard knows it now." Lister finished his sentence.
"So what's he want?"
Spanners held out the Ace of Hearts. "How about all the Aces?"
He was already out of the tent and halfway to Blue Midget hollering
'Change in plaaaaaaaaaaaaaans! Leg it!'
before Rimmer realized what was going on?