Note: I borrowed some dialog from Parting of the ways in this chapter which is owned by the BBC and RTD, not me. :-)
Be Careful What You Ask For
As they exit Rose's mind he wonders if somehow it's part of the female condition to have this magical power to shift the mood of a moment so quickly. He's seen it as a Universal trait. Unfortunately for the Doctor, he's the intended target this time around. One moment he's enjoying the gorgeous sounds of his own language falling from Rose's lips, and the next he's deathly certain he's in trouble. Same dulcet tones; completely different outcomes.
Coming back to themselves again, Rose is glaring at the Doctor with arms crossed over her chest. Not sure she can be quite that close to him, she suddenly stands, dizzy a moment, and then starts towards the window. He had better have an amazing excuse.
"Rose? Errmmm...I'm certain I can explain...I'm not sure what you think you know, but it probably wasn't even my fault...and if we could just talk…,"trailing off, the Doctor is completely caught off guard. There's no way for him to know exactly what she may have received in this download. She could have knowledge all kinds of incidents that she hasn't experienced herself. Gah! Some of the things he's done he's not too proud of. What if this is just the first of many occurrences she's going to judge him on. What if… Rose breaks him out of his self-pitying spiral.
"Jack, Doctor. Tell me what happened to Jack." With her back to him, she stands staring out the window, seeing not the clouds beneath her, or the sky as it darkens toward the short Gallifreyan night, but images from what happened at the Game Station from the TARDIS's perspective running through her mind.
/Oh. That. Wait! What else did you give her?/ he mentally shoots at the TARDIS. /Ace? Teagan? Adric? SUSAN?! YOU CAN'T SHARE MY ENTIRE LIFE WITH ROSE!/ the Doctor shouts at Her. He's furious, and about to get really worked up. If everything works out the way he hopes it will, in the secret places of his hearts, Rose will have all this and more once they're Bonded, but not now-not like this.
#NO!/her life/her choices#
The TARDIS can no longer converse with him, but in their usual manner she shows him what she means. She reassures him (with some exasperation) that she did not share his entirety with Rose, just a fuller perspective (the TARDIS's perspective) of her life, from the moment she chose to go with him, onward. She also helped Rose remember what happened after she merged with the Vortex.
Stepping back from the emotional ledge he'd been toeing, the Doctor's still not comfortable with all the incidentals he may have to wade through in the near future. He's comforted at least that there's only a couple year's worth of potential booby-traps. Taking a deep breath and trying to calm himself down, he attempts to answer Rose.
"Right. Jack. Well, what do you now remember, and what are you really asking?" he asks, hoping she'll clarify.
"I want to know why you left him. You knew he was alive, and we left him. We have to go get him. Oh my god! What if he's still there?" Turning to look at the Doctor with horror writ on her face, he can tell she doesn't know or at least doesn't understand the whole story. Getting up and walking towards her, he comes to stand next to her, looking out at the approaching twilight.
"It is so easy to think it's indeed all there below us. My people; some going home, some coming to work here in the Citadel. Happily going about their lives, and as you pointed out earlier, that may even be true in this moment the TARDIS is sharing with us, but it doesn't make it the truth of the here and now."
"What are you saying, Doctor? Don't change the subject! Answer me! Why?" she yells. She's having none of his usual tactics at dissembling.
"He's not still there," he says with finality. "Now what, exactly, do you see in your new memory? Describe to me precisely the events during the final moments of my life, as you now remember them," he demands in clipped tones, fighting his own anger at her accusations.
Oh. She hadn't thought about regeneration like dying. With a pang of guilt, but stubborn in her resolve to have answers, she recalls the events from when she and the TARDIS returned with Bad Wolf.
"I now remember walking out of the TARDIS, and I had all this singing in my head. I knew everything. I knew I could save you, I knew Jack was dead and I could save him, and I knew the Daleks shouldn't be there. So, I decided. The Daleks would be gone-they were,I wanted Jack alive and he was. Then you took the Vortex from me after your cheeky Time Lord pick-up line, and I collapsed. Then the TARDIS showed me that after releasing the Vortex yourself, you brought me inside, and saw Jack on the monitor running for the TARDIS, but even though you knew you were about to regenerate, you left. We could have stayed. You were already in the TARDIS, we didn't have to be in the Vortex. I can't believe we abandoned him there." She has tears on her cheeks by the end. Reliving the memories has the added pitfall of intense emotions. She doesn't have the experience yet to control them.
Turning away from the window the Doctor looks at Rose with such profound sadness, that it takes her breath away. "Rose, can I share the last part of the Game Station with you, from my perspective, my memory? I'll start at the point where the TARDIS left. I think it will make the explanations more understandable than talking about it." With a nod, Rose allows him to take her hand and lead her to their couch. Sitting quite close to her, he reaches up to touch her temple, but Rose stops him, catching his wrist.
"Doctor, I'm confused and hurt about what happened, but it doesn't change how I feel about you." Smiling his understanding at her, but knowing what she does not, he doesn't respond to her yet.
Releasing his wrist, Rose allows him to continue to her temple. Placing his fingers gently there, they are abruptly in his Foyer. It is so completely different from her own, it takes her a moment to see it properly. As best as she can tell, they are in the hub of a huge wheel. A central circular space with so many door-filled passageways leading off of it, that she can't count them all properly. In the center of the hub, is an enormous reflecting pool, but the surface is a blank shining silver; like it's filled with mercury. Above it there's a matching pool of inky black—on the ceiling, if that's what you want to call it. Rose's first thought is that it's looks out to Space, but she almost feels like it's moving, like the silver pool beneath it, and there aren't any stars. The air between the pools is dense, like she should see it writhing. Tearing her eyes away from the pools and looking around, every surface she can see is covered in writing, and now that she understands it, she sees them as bits and pieces of stories. Sentences or stanzas, she's unsure what they represent, poetry, spells...she has no clue. It's so unfamiliar and disconcerting she's having a hard time perceiving directions. If it wasn't for the Doctor holding her hand beside her, she'd be terrified here.
"Umm, this...is different." She tries to sound brave, but the slight crack in her voice gives her away. She is trying really hard to not be afraid, but this is all so-alien, so not-human.
"Don't be afraid Rose. I'm here. I could have shared the experiences with you directly, but I thought it only fair that you saw my Foyer, since I helped build yours." He says this with a smile he hopes is reassuring.
"Doctor, what are the pools?" Her gaze is drawn to them, and she can't seem to look away or right at them, and she really wants to...
"Rose. Ignore them" he says brusquely. "So, Game Station, right?" he asserts, attempting to distract her from the Pools. At her name, Rose snaps back to what the Doctor is saying. Shaking her head to clear it, she's confused, but responds readily enough.
"Yes, the Game Station, your side of the story." She tries to give him a smile, but it's a bit brittle.
Squeezing her hand, the Doctor takes a step forward, and they are instantaneously in front of one of the corridors. Rose feels that they should have moved, but there are no visual clues to say they did. Stopping, she looks over at the Doctor wide-eyed, and visibly trembling. How are they here, when they were...there, but now... Sensing her fear and uncertainty, the Doctor nudges her understanding.
"Rose. How can a TARDIS move Her corridors around?"
Rose's first instinctive thought was to say 'How the hell would I know?', but then like opening a book in her mind she does know.
"The dimensional bridges respond to your telepathic instructions or the desires of the sentient ship. They do not themselves move, only our perception of their location." Blinking, she's completely amazed that that came out of her own mouth. Who needs A-levels now? The Doctor chuckles at the look on her face.
"See, no reason to be afraid. You have access to the necessary knowledge. You just don't have the practice retrieving it yet," he says, hoping to calm her.
"It isn't just the moving, Doctor. It's everything!" Waving her arm around taking in all of him, she continues, "What is this place? What are those pools? Why are there words all over? It's just so...well, weird."
Rolling his eyes at her,"Well, thank you very much, Rose Tyler. You've noticed I'm weird. It'll get easier, I promise. Still want to see this?" He's hoping she'll say, 'Nope, I'm good. Let's go have chips someplace!', but knows that's unlikely seeing the determined look she's wearing. Narrowing her eyes at him for not answering any of her questions, she just nods. Taking a resigned breath, he thinks of the exact door he wants. "Alright, let's get to the correct door." Taking another step, they are in front of a dark grey metal door with bolts and large hinges. Fittingly, it reminds her of the space station's construction. Incised on its surface are the words Game Station, and its relative date in Gallifreyan, but the words and date are surrounded by an outer ring of gold flames.
Reaching out, Rose pauses looking at the Doctor. "These flames, are they because you regenerated here?" he nods, and taking a steadying breath to ready herself, she lays her palm against the door.
She's safe.
Must keep workin'.
How could the Emperor not know about Bad Wolf?
Bad Wolf
Bad Wolf
What the hell is that all about?
Humans
Daleks
Now we're all dead.
Jack understands. Good.
That's good.
She's safe.
Fantastic life.
She'll have a fantastic life.
Mickey, her mum...I miss 'er already
Don't have to watch her die.
That's good, real good...the best.
Work faster!
Have to make these connections.
Dammit! Faster, how can they be comin' faster?
Fuck me!
Could this day get any worse?
'Course it can.
'Ere they come.
Hate 'em! I. Hate. Them.
She's safe.
There're too many.
Gotta keep workin'!
Of course, the bullets don't work. Daft!
More dyin'. All I do is kill.
I kill my friends, kill my enemies, kill my people...shit, kill meself this time.
Oh god, not down! Why are they goin' down?
-screaming-
-EXTERMINATE-
She's safe.
HATE. THEM.
Bombing the Earth...Just great!
Well, it won't hurt for long.
My favorite ape-filled little planet.
Spent so much time here.
Now it'll be gone...burnt husk.
Couldn't help Gallifrey.
Can't help Earth.
I kill everythin' I touch.
She's safe.
One last connection.
Jack! Keep 'em busy...few more minutes.
Oh Lynda. I'm sorry.
She's safe.
Must finish. Come on, come on!
Can't let them win.
They can't get away from me.
They. Can. Not!
Jack! Jack, no.
Alone, so tired of being alone.
She's safe.
It's Ready! Oh yes!
You will all die.
Shut it! SHUT UP!
I am NOT like you.
I'll do it!
I ...WILL... DO... IT!
She's safe.
NO!
No...I'm not a Dalek.
I killed all my own people.
I will not commit genocide, not again.
I am the Doctor.
I. Am. A. Coward.
I will die.
Maybe it's time.
Kill me...KILL ME!
She's safe.
What?
TARDIS?
NO!
Escape?
NO!
Rose!
What have you done?
Vortex! Vortex everywhere!
How?
ROSE—materialising, right here.
"What have you done?"
~I looked into the TARDIS~
She's glowing, Oh god, she's full of the Vortex! It'll kill 'er!
~And the TARDIS looked into me~
"You looked into the Time Vortex. Rose, no one's meant to see that."
No! NO! Don't shoot, not my Rose.
Holy shit! How'd she do that?
~I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself~
What? Rose the Bad Wolf? How?
~I take the words~
~I scatter them in Space and Time~
~A message to lead myself here~
No, no, no!
"Rose. You've gotta stop this. You've gotta stop this, now"
Oh, I wanted her safe! Now, she's sacrificin' herself for me. I can't let this happen. Not to Rose.
"You've got the entire Time Vortex runnin' through your head. Your gonna burn!"
~I want you safe~
But...
~My Doctor~
She loves me.
Omega, I love her!
~Protected from the false god~
Immortal! HA! Please!
~You are tiny~
~I can see the whole of Time and Space~
~Every single atom of your existence—and I divide them~
How?
~Everything must come to dust—All things~
Wait!
~Everything dies~
Omega and all that's Holy...No!
~The Time War ends~
She killed them. Killed them all...for me.
"Rose you've done it. Now stop. Jus' let it go."
~How can I let this go~
~I bring life~
Ahhhhhhh! NO! What is that?! Ahhh, not right. Not. Right.
Wrong...wrong...wrong!
"But this is wrong. You can't control life and death."
~But I can~
I have to stop her.
How? How can I stop her without killing her?
NO! Not my Rose. If the Universe has a shred of compassion left, don't make me kill her.
~The Sun and the Moon~
~The Day and the Night~
~...but why do they hurt~
"The power's gonna kill ya and it's all my fault."
~I can see everything~
What does she mean, everything?
~All there is~
~All there was~
~All there ever could be~
She understands...she knows!
"That's what I see all the time. Doesn't it drive ya mad?"
~My head~
I have to save her.
"Come 'ere."
I'll pull it out of her I'm a Time Lord. The Vortex can have me.
~It's killin' me~
Maybe not, but It will kill me.
"I think you need a Doctor."
If this is my one and only chance to kiss Rose Tyler before I die...so be it. There are worse ways to go.
Oh! It burns!
There ya go ol' Girl, take it back..take it all back.
You and my pink and yellow human.
My precious Rose, my love. You both saved me again.
Sorry I can't stay, already feel it changin' things.
Must get Rose to the Infirmary.
Hopefully I have enough time.
Oh! The Wrong Thing. It's moving.
What the hell is that?
Gotta get Rose inside.
Oh no, Jack! It's you!
Rose's final gift—life.
Far too much life.
I'm sorry Jack, so sorry.
Must leave this place.
Oh! She's wakin' up already. Fantastic!
Guess that's best.
Wakin' up to a whole new me, would be worse than watchin'!
Heh! Look at that, wormsign.
There's the fire...not long now.
It's going to frighten Rose.
Be funny, keep it light, don't scare her.
Ohhhhh! God, it hurts. Doesn't feel right. Must be the Vortex.
Properly scared her now, you git!
Hold on! Hold on!
Gotta warn her.
Oh! She doesn't want me to go. Maybe she loves this daft old face a little.
So much I never said, never did.
Never thought my time would be so short...typical.
Didn't care before Rose.
Hope my next self doesn't make the same mistake.
"Before I go, I just want to tell you; you were fantastic!"
I love you
"Absolutely fantastic."
I...Love...You
"And you know what? So was I."
There! She smiled...goodbye
I will love her
I will love
I will
ROOOOOSSSSEEEE
Experiencing the actual fires of regeneration is more than she can stand on top of everything else. With a plaintive cry from Rose, the Doctor draws them both free of his memory. Seeing them still in his Foyer, Rose shakes her head, gesturing with her hands that she wants all the way out. Now worried that he may have gone too far, the Doctor gently slides them from his mind.
Back in the Library, Rose throws herself from the sofa, falling to her knees retching. A basin appears next to her though there isn't anything for it to catch. The Doctor leaps to her side, pulling her hair out of the way, and rubbing her back. Trying to comfort her through the emotional backlash of such a traumatic experience. He should have thought about how difficult it would be for her. Dry-heaving done, Rose throws herself into the Doctor's arms. Luckily he's already next to another chair, so he catches her, and lets her grieve.
He had forgotten how razor sharp all his feeling were as his previous self. All black and white, with no shades of grey to hide doubt in. He had felt everything with so much more clarity...anger, sadness, despair, loss, fear, but also joy, freedom, delight, inspiration, and love. Between the poet, the War, and the ears it was as if losing his people had burned all the guile out of him but added steel, and truth. He had been so unwilling to lie. He would rather keep his mouth shut, than lie.
Not this time. This time he hid in words, lots and lots of words, and he is starting to lie again. He isn't comfortable with this realisation, and Rose will hate it. Rose. She is not going to let this experience lie. It is fairly pregnant with topics for her to pounce on. They could have thousands of years together; starting them off in deceit is a recipe for disaster. Silently, he resolves to answer Rose's inevitable questions with as much sincerity as possible. He was committed to her before the Game Station, and obviously the whole ordeal with the Sphynx is a testament to that commitment. How awful will surrendering to a lifetime with Rose Tyler be?
Yes...exactly.
Emerging from his inner criticisms, he comforts Rose through her crisis with more empathy. "Oh, Rose. I'm so sorry. I didn't realise it would be so hard for you. I shouldn't have stayed. We didn't need to see the whole thing." Rocking her through her sobbing, he feels guilty for hurting her. All he can do is hope she'll forgive him.
After another few minutes, the crying slows, the sobbing over. Pulling several hankies out of a pocket, he offers them to her.
"I'm sorry, Rose. Really I am."
"S'okay. I wanted to know."
"I know, but I shouldn't have scared you like that. Made you see all that violence, and death, and..."
Interrupting him, "Doctor! You daft man." she laughs a little damply at him. He seriously thinks she's crying for herself, idiot. Sitting up, so she can look him in the eyes, she explains herself, "I am not a child in need of protection. I'm not upset at you. Sure it was horrible, but I'm upset because while we were in there, I was you. Maybe you didn't notice because it's your memory. We didn't watch it happen, like it was on the telly, we were there. I know everything you thought, everything you heard, saw, said, and -felt." She can't help but blush at the deep truth of his regard for her. His final thoughts literally were his love for her. She really doesn't know how to feel about that right now. It is so much more than she had ever thought possible, but exactly what she longed for. It will just have to wait till later, but there will be a later. For now, she has a worried Time Lord to comfort.
Thinking back to the experience, "I know how sore your fingers were from having to work so fast on all the connections. I know how the room smelled after the Daleks had killed everyone. I know how Jack felt, wrong. I know how you felt when you decided to sacrifice yourself for me and the rest of humanity. I know how frightened you were...of them...of me. I know how much you loathed the Daleks, and yet even so, you couldn't commit genocide; not again." Turning, so she can see his face, Rose takes ones of his hands. She runs her fingers over it picturing the golden flames that costumed her first Doctor.
"So, I did it for you. They were't meant to be there, so I took them away. They'd already died. I couldn't save the people they'd perverted, but maybe that little part that was still human, knew peace. The Dalek part, I only put back in hell." She can see by his face that her words have struck him, and not all of them in a good way. Rose knows he won't like her acceptance of that responsibility so blithely. But Daleks are evil! How is the Universe not a better place without them?
"Rose, I..." stopping he tries to collect himself. She can't know...well...maybe she can. Like she said, she'd been there. Could she know what it had meant to him, to not kill the Daleks, to finally acknowledge himself, the Doctor. He'd just been done, done with everything-done with all the killing. Looking back on it, it was not the right decision; that time. He would have slaughtered billions of people, if not for the Bad Wolf and Rose. But he'd been finished with it all, and knew that he wouldn't have to live to see the consequences. No TARDIS to save him this time. It isn't what he'd wanted, but when offered the choice, he'd decided to not utterly destroy the Daleks. Though hate-filled and completely useless, they were still living creatures, and he couldn't end them. Not that it obviously mattered. They were like cockroaches. When you finally decide your done, and do your best to wipe them all out...oh no...there's always more hiding somewhere. It's so unfair that none of his people have survived, but he still keeps coming up against more Daleks! It's infuriating.
Not waiting for him to continue, Rose leaps right in. She needs him to know how she feels.
"Doctor. I forgive you. I forgive you for sending me away. I forgive you for deciding to die. I forgive you for running from Jack. I also forgive you for doing what you felt you had to do, to Gallifrey and the Daleks, and this time at the Game Station. When faced with extermination again you couldn't do it to them, no matter how much they deserved it. You make those hard decisions Doctor, but you're not alone any longer. You can't always save me, sometimes you have to let me save you." Taking his other hand during this she really wants him to feel her sincerity; her deep commitment to him and this crazy life they lead.
"Rose Tyler." He doesn't have anything else to say in that moment. He fills her name with such admiration and awe. He can't possibly deserve her, yet here she sits; doing her best to comfort him...two years after the fact. He thought he was down here on the floor for her. Instead, she's still fixing him, making him better. Showing him new and different ways to see the same Universe she's only experienced a fraction of. He's not feeling particularly Superior Time Lord anything at the moment.
Smiling at how he says her name, Rose decides to change the subject, "I don't know about you Doctor, but I need a shower, and then how about we go some place for chips? Watch a movie with me later? Something fun...Galaxy Quest?" she offers. She has so much to process, that Rose is really hoping a little of their version of normal will help her feel more grounded, more secure. Currently, she's feeling a little out of control.
"Chips and Galaxy Quest? Why Rose Tyler that sounds like a date! You go get washed up, and I'll find us a chippy!" Bounding up, and pulling her to her feet, he hugs her tight before bee-lining for the door. With a happy wave he heads to the Console Room. He's so capricious, but his excitement makes her smile. He's like a puppy on a sugar-high. She thinks it might be the most adorable thing ever.
Heading to her shower, she continues thinking about the Doctor's memory. The running commentary makes her smile; it had been strange, but was definitely enlightening. She really wants to indulge in remembering his feelings for her even in the midst of such a crisis, but the previous couple of hour's worth of drama is all because of their leaving Jack, so she focuses on him instead. She'll save the Doctor's feelings for later.
Examining the sensations concerning Jack, she feels what threw the Doctor off. Jack was itchy in the memory. Itchy and heavy, and repulsive, like he had his own gravity or like two magnets trying to be pushed together, but what was that all about? He hadn't felt that way before. Maybe it was just because he'd woken up from being dead; like the excess energy from regeneration.
~No, my Wolf, that is not why.~
/Okay Darling, why? Why does he feel that way? What did I do?/ Rose asks, knowing it's her fault, but she's confused as to what she could have done. She knows what she did, but not how.
~I am sorry my Wolf, but you created something that should not exist. Jack is now a fixed point in Time. Bad Wolf pulled all the lives of all the parallel Jacks there ever were, and gave them to yours. He is the only one, and he will not die for a very, very long Time.~
/What?! Oh my god! I didn't mean to. He must hate me!/ she exclaims.
Filled with horror and self-loathing now, Rose bursts into tears in the shower. Even the steady pounding of hot water washing away her tears does not comfort her. Selfish! She had just wanted to help; she loved Jack like the big brother she never had. What had she done? She now knows exactly what a fixed point in time is, and how neither the TARDIS, the Doctor, or probably her can hardly stand to be near one. It is a failsafe. It is the same feeling that the Doctor had upon sensing Jack's creation. But this is Jack. They all love Jack, even the TARDIS. Rose knows he flirted with the ship, and she didn't seem to mind.
/Can't we get used to it? At least try for Jack?/
~I too am fond of him. I would try if my Thief can find a way~
/Oh thank you Darling! I have to see him. I have to apologise. I need to explain./
Darling knows that convincing her Thief is going to take a lot more effort than convincing herself. Being raised a Time Lord, he has an innate sense for these sorts of things that makes it very difficult and even painful to change. Her Wolf is still effervescent with her newness, and is willing to rewrite her perceptions. She knows that the Lover is part of their upcoming futures, but she'll let them figure it out. It is always much more interesting that way.
A/N: Thanks for all the new reviews! It hadn't occurred to me when starting this sequel that it could stand alone, but it sure seems to. I'm delighted to have people liking it so much! :-) A special thank you to MirrorFlower and Darkwind, for supporting me through every chapter of both stories...-hugs-
I hope you liked this chapter. I wanted to describe the end of Parting of the Ways without just copying the episode. After watching the end through, I realised I was making a running commentary, and it flew from there. {good-bye Nine, we still miss you.} I sure hope it works as well for you as it does for me! :-) Cheers