Chapter 68
Declan gave him his own version of a pep talk, rattling on about random events when Bobby had shown promise as a profiler. Bobby listened politely, but he couldn't bring himself to comment on any of it. They ended the conversation with another request from Dec that he visit Jo, and he said he would if he could find the time.
Bobby went home thinking about what Holiday had said. Lost a step or two over the years, or do you think you can still pull off the big solve when you need to?
A year ago, he could have cared less about a comment like that. But now, ever since coming off suspension, Bobby felt more and more like he was an imposter. He knew he had some skills, but he didn't see himself as the master of anything.
The best he could manage was to put the puzzle pieces out there and hope that Alex could fit them together. That was why he told Dec she'd solved the Stone case. Ever since that five months off, he couldn't see himself bragging about anything to anybody. And even if he had done better on this case than the others, it had to just be luck. There was nothing magical about it.
Bobby laughed at his pun, and poured himself a drink. Honestly, he didn't care about the job much now, anyway. All he cared about was getting Alex back, earning her trust.
Last night when she'd closed herself off to him, he'd gone home shaking, terrified that he'd made some kind of a fatal error. He rationalized it all and reminded himself that he couldn't walk on eggshells all the time, that he had to be honest with her if he wanted her to respect him. But it had rattled him. Then when she called, and lifted that ache in his heart, he was so happy.
It didn't stop any of it from bouncing around his head all night. He'd only managed a couple of hours of fitful sleep before heading back to work again. Bobby yawned and finished his drink. He told himself to go to bed.
Alex jerked awake, terrified. She was breathing fast, expecting to see that basement prison. Instead, she saw the familiar comforts of her own room.
She took some calming breaths and rubbed her face with her hands. Alex sighed. She hadn't dreamed about it in ages.
And it wasn't that anything happened in the dreams, it was just that feeling… the terror of being there, hanging, listening, waiting for her turn to be killed.
Alex shivered. She got up and pulled on her robe for warmth, hugging it to her body as she walked out to the kitchen to start the coffee.
Olivet had said the dreams were just her subconscious trying to work something out. At the time, it was just another way she was working through the trauma… but now?
Alex wondered what exactly her subconscious was trying to work on now.
For just a moment, her memory conjured up the feeling of resting in his arms in the bed. Her sister was right. She couldn't have gotten through it without his help.
Ross finally gave them a few days off, and they met for breakfast before heading out to pursue their individual errands. Goren found himself at the pen, checking in.
"Detective Goren, I'm sorry. Ms. Gage has had an incident, and her doctor has revoked her visitation privileges until she is stabilized."
"An incident?" he asked.
"I'm sorry I can't tell you more," the woman said.
Bobby nodded. He brushed his hand through his gray curls and then dropped it at his side. "Her f-f-father, he's the one asked I come see her."
"I'm sorry. Even her father wouldn't be able to visit her now."
Goren nodded before he found his voice. "Okay. Thank you." He turned and walked out, wondering what kind of a break Jo'd had, and hoping she hadn't seriously hurt anyone.
He settled in at the neighborhood bar, watching the news on the tv. It was funny, how everything at Major Case was on the news. Usually he avoided it on his days off, simply because he wound up feeling he hadn't taken time off.
He saw the image of the young boxer, blood on his white shirt, being put into the back of the patrol car. Logan walked in and sat at his left.
"This was yours, right?" Goren said, tipping his glass in the direction of the small screen.
"Yeah," Logan quietly replied. He ordered a drink and the two men stared at the television until the bartender slid the glass in front of him.
"You know, all that time on Staten Island… I kinda saw it as a sentence… you know, do the time, get back out." He took a long drink from his beer. "And then, I met this kid." He smiled. "I thought I was helping, you know? He and his brother, they were trying to make it on their own. Father in prison, mother dead. I tried to help."
Goren listened. He didn't know the whole story, how close Logan had been to the boxers, but he did know that Ross and Wheeler were in interrogation the other day, and Logan was watching behind the glass.
"You know, the kid was lost. I tried to, you know, show him the potential he had… help him channel it in the right direction." Logan drank down most of the ale. "I thought I'd helped, but maybe Ross is right. Maybe people don't change."
Goren listened, and couldn't help but picture himself under Declan's tutelage. He'd been that lost kid, looking for guidance. Declan had shown him his potential and groomed him into the detective he'd become. He'd always been grateful. He still looked up to Gage, in spite of everything. He still sought the man's approval.
"You're a profiler, Goren. You think people don't change?"
Mike's question brought him back from his thoughts. He shrugged. "I think it's… rare."
"Kinda makes you wanna, you know, give up. I mean, if people can't change, then what's the point in trying?" Logan tossed a fiver down on the bar and headed out without another word.
Monday night, Bobby took her out to a club.
"Magic Jack?" she asked, reading the poster as they went in. "In a place like this?"
Bobby grinned. "He's good. He's not flashy like those guys at the casinos. He's the real deal."
"But better than Carmine?"
Bobby looked around at the nearly full house. "The audience came in more than one car," he snarked.
Alex grinned and tucked her hands around his elbow as they found a table. "You already know all the tricks," she said to Bobby. "Doesn't that take the fun out of, you know, watching somebody perform?"
"N-not when it's done right." He held her hand and his teeth were white in contrast to his beard. "Besides, you know, there's always something new to learn. Magicians are always thinking, always coming up with new tricks."
It was a great show, and Alex could tell by the sparkle in Bobby's eye that he had figured out a few more tricks, himself. They walked out together, and then headed down to the train to ride back to his neighborhood.
In the subway car, they sat beside each other. When Alex leaned against his arm, he put it around her shoulders. Bobby wanted desperately to kiss her, but he wasn't sure how she would take it. He tilted his head closer to hers until his mouth was against her hair.
As the train stopped, Alex's fingers brushed lightly against his beard. She took him by the hand and they walked together up to his apartment.
Once the door was shut, she turned to face him. Instinctively, his hands went to her hips.
Alex's hands reached up to his face, and as he leaned down, they tangled in his hair. He kissed her, gentle but rich, and full of restrained passion.
She giggled. "Your beard tickles," she said, and kissed him again. His arms tightened around her back, and her hands nestled against the back of his shoulders.
Bobby was getting lost in it now. They touched tongues, their lips in constant motion. He began inching her toward the couch. They sank down to the seat together, still kissing, hands caressing, desire building with every passing second.
Alex broke away, and muttered something about being hot. Both of them stripped out of their jackets. "Alex, I…" Bobby started to speak.
She put a finger over his lips. "Shhh." His eyes were warm and soft, and she could see his desire in them. Alex took him by the chin and tugged him closer for another kiss. As this kiss lingered, her hands worked on his buttons.
Bobby unfastened his cuffs and pulled his overshirt off, leaving him in his black tee. He glanced down at Alex's sweater, but he made no move toward it. He was going to let her call the shots.
She pressed the flat of her hands against his chest and her eyes followed them as they caressed him.
"I put on a few pounds," he whispered, embarrassed.
Her hands slipped under the tail of his shirt and slid around to the skin of his back. "I don't care," she whispered back. As she lifted the shirt up, he kissed her neck, just under her jaw. "Oh, Bobby," Alex breathed. The last time she'd felt so good was, well, their last time.
He directed his attention to her neck and then her ear. She moaned in pleasure, and he hardly noticed that she was trying to get his shirt off.
"Bobby," she said, and after a few more kisses, he pulled back. "Bobby, take it off," she told him. He was out of his t-shirt in half a second, and was surprised to see her peeling her sweater over her head. Bobby leaned down and kissed the soft flesh at the edge of her bra before she could see what he was doing. Her sweater landed in a heap of clothes that was gathering on the floor, and she closed her eyes as she felt his hands smoothing over her bare skin.
Alex reached for her bra clasp, but he raised his fingers and pulled hers away. He continued to tease her, kissing around the edges of her undergarment. She tried again, and once more, he caught her fingers and directed them away from the clasp.
Alex distracted him with a deep kiss and then buried her head in the hair of his chest. "I want you," she told him.
Bobby smiled, and kissed the crown of her head. His hands smoothed up her back and finally, he worked the bra clasp free. He watched as his fingers moved easily over the bare skin of her back. She wriggled out of her bra.
It was a long, slow burn. Their love was gentle. Even as Bobby tucked her into his bed, he still had kisses for her, and she for him. They slept nestled in the other's arms, with no thought of the future or of the past.