Chapter 40
Lister's Confession

On the jag back to Red Dwarf, with the transport on auto pilot, Ace
sat back and let Lister and Spanners explain their little charade.

"Come on now lads, you put one over on me and everyone else. The least you can do is tell old Ace here how you come up with this prince and the pauper scheme."

Shortly after take off the Listers had changed clothes and were doing some serious damage to an eight pack of wicked strength lager which
was conveniently found in the ships mini fridge.
Dave had just finished off his third and wiped a layer of foam from his upper lip when Ace had finished talking. "Oi," he shouted to his double. "You want to tell, or you want that I should."

"You tell it." Said Spanners sipping at his third can in celebration. "I'll
help with any of the parts that don't show me in a good light." He smiled.

"Fair enough."
Lister turned to face Ace. She sat across from him, her flight jacket hung open. Her long shapely legs were crossed which drew her trousers tight across her thighs. Dave couldn't help noticing her hologramatic cleavage showing over the fourth unfastened button, of her tight hologramatic blouse.

He started: "'I want my boys back and I don't care what the cost.' Those words were the start of something that would haunt me for the rest of my life if I screwed it up."

"When the boys were kidnapped I went completely spur. Hell I blamed you." Ace smiled a warm smile. "That is until I started receiving a signal from the boys.
Call me a paranoid mother, but immediately after birth I had Kryten
insert tracers into my boys." Lister looked at Spanners. "Then I erased his memory. The rest was like this:

"I was leaving the ship and about to make a deal with the Black hearted devil himself when Spanners caught me. I made it as far as the lift but he was waiting for me. I didn't know it when I hit the button but while I was waiting I heard a familiar voice.

'Going somewhere Davie boy?'
It was Spanners. Out of his usual overalls and dressed in orange boxers and london Jets tee shirt. A can of lager rested in his left hand. He sat on a green and white horizontally striped beach lounge chair. He had been waiting for me and thought to make the best of it."

"Oi been waiting long? I was just popping down to the cinema. The wait for this lift is murder."
His double didn't smile. Instead he put his lager on the floor and got up

"Where do you think your going smeg for brains." Spanners said in a belligerent tone.

"You know the score. You got a Jim and Bexly too. What would you
do if someone took them?"

"I know you have a tracking device on the kids. Why not tell Ace and we could pin point the black hearted bastard?"

"Naw. Too risky. The boys could get hurt. Or worse."

"And we can't wait because their aging."
Dave LIster looked into his doubles eyes. This was not the response he was expecting. "You gonna let me go then?"

"I can't do that Dave. You're too involved, you're their mother for god sake."
Spanners thought about that sentence for a moment then continued. "Plus you'd be walking into a trap." Spanners paused again. "I'm going instead."
At first Lister didn't understand. "What do you mean your going instead?"
Spanners handed Lister his overalls he had neatly folded.

"Look it's as plain as a Bulgarian pin up. I'll go down and make whatever deal I have to make with Ace. I'm betting that he believes you're so upset about your boys, and rightly so, that you'll do anything to get them back. Including subjecting the entire population of Cat World to the equivalent of slavery."

Lister hadn't thought of that. He hadn't allowed himself to think of it
those terms. But now that they had been brought to light.

"OK What's the plan?" Lister asked.

"You be me aboard the Dwarf. Tell the others you were, I mean I was crazy worried about the boys and hot wired Blue Midget to try and rescue them. Stick to that. But you got to convince them I'm in no danger.
Set it up that they won't come down right after me. I'll need some time."
Spanners thought for a second.

"You and the others come down in a few hours after dawn. That should give me enough time"

"What'll you be doing in the meantime? If I may ask? Seeing on how your plan does have my boys life hanging in the balance."

"I'll do as much recon as I can, and feed that Black Hearted bastard
as much warm bull as I can in exchange for a chance to rescue the kids.
That in itself should create enough confusion to pull this off."

"And I'm just suppose to pretend I'm you through out the entire farce?"

"Sure matie, you can do it. You assisted me with every modification on both ships. I'm sure you could patch anything together, if something comes loose that is. Not that it will of course."

"I hope I can be more use than that."

"I guess we'll have to see about that there then. Won't we?"

"It sure seems that way," said Lister as he started climbing into Spanners' overalls. "I got one more question."

"Shoot."

"What's it like to wake up with Krissy every morning?"
Spanners smiled. "Heaven. Pure and simple."
Lister also smiled as quietly said; "Yea, I figured as much."