13 Dreams and Circular Paradoxes
Rose exits her shower after allowing the never ending hot water wash away the rest of her doubt and fear. She's Rose Tyler, the Doctor's trusted friend and partner, daughter of the fiery Jackie Tyler, and second to last Time Lord; she's valued and cherished. Even her idiot Time Lord lets that slip through their link occasionally. He loves her; she knows it, despite him not saying the human words. If the situation were reversed she has first hand knowledge of how he would never stop trying to reach her. Her options are simple; she will do the same.
Stepping naked from the steam into her room she is much calmer, centred. Seeing the Doctor's detritus no longer saddens her, but gives her hope. She will return him to his home, and to her. She's done with the waiting game though. They've had plenty of time reacquainting, and Rose knows exactly what she wants. Once things settle, it will be time to talk, and hopefully more. About many things of course, but what she means is about their relationship. She's perfectly aware of the directions their relationship could go. Darling and the Library have taken care of that. The Doctor thinks she's only been engrossed in Physics and Engineering; he's wrong. She's also been osmosing everything Darling would give her on the cultural and biological niceties of Time Lord society, and that's where she stumbled over the information on Bonded pairs. Seeing his debris in her room reminds her of the hopes she has for her and her Doctor.
Once the information was discovered, she'd been forced to seriously dig to find any real history on Bonded pairs. It was obvious after Rassilon used the excuse of Pythia's Curse to control reproduction through Looming, that it was no longer necessary to write down all that much about how Gallifreyans had Bonded in the past. Being a telepathic species, true Bonding was permanent, but they had developed many layers of it, as their civilisation had advanced. A surface joining of minds like Rose and the Doctors' was good enough for sharing chosen thoughts and feelings, but didn't enhance or require a full emotional commitment from either party.
Back in what the history books called the Dark Times, there were too many males and not enough females, so Bonding developed as a method of staking ones claim. It was the females prerogative to choose her mate, and the Bonding could only be initiated by the female. Once Bonded, the pair not only didn't want to stray, they couldn't. They were incapable of reproducing with anyone else unless death parted the Bond, and even then often they would not. With Looming, Rassilon could engineer out the biological imperatives that didn't fit with his plans and goals for his Preeminent Time Lord society. He must have been an unloved little boy if he tried so hard to engineer love out of an entire species.
The Doctor had called what he and Rose currently shared a "link," but after all of her research, she knows that it's actually a 'Bonding of the First Circle,' and was originally considered an engagement; an intention towards further commitment, but it could be broken or set aside. As time went on, it became the accepted mode of marriage among Time Lords and most Gallifreyans, because it didn't contain the reproductive imperatives that Bondings of the Second and Third Circles would, and marriages were typically arranged for political benefit, not for any reason as primitive as love.
Bondings of the Second Circle were uncommon, but not unheard of. A joining of Body and Mind between couples that loved one another, but it came with the need to consummate and have children. This form of Bonding was looked down upon as provincial and overly emotional; only used by lay Gallifreyans, certainly not Time Lords. Finally, Bondings of the Third Circle were the tokens of myth and legends. A joining not only of Body and Mind, but also of Souls, no secrets, never alone, and no guaranteed survival if one of the couple was killed. Stories of this sort of Bonding were considered outdated fairytales.
Everything Rose read led her to the conclusion that the Doctor's parents must have been in love and Second Circle bonded. Why else would they have borne a living child, instead of requesting one from the family loom? Especially when he would have been shunned by his own people for a circumstance that was clearly out of his control, and still they had done it-for love. He was literally born from love, and into love, to know...love. It must have been so hard on him, to only have it at home, and then for such a short time.
No wonder he cared so much. He was certainly one of the most caring people she had ever met, and what she could glean from these dusty old books, that was not a consistent trait. That isn't to say that Time Lords didn't 'care', but that they had too much objectivity to care deeply, intimately. This was definitely not the Doctor's problem. In fact, he cared so much that he toiled under an almost debilitating weight of responsibility for every living creature he encountered. Rose loved him for that, and for so much more.
Rose had no idea at the time, that she was actually 'marrying' the Doctor that day she had thrust him into her mind in the Gallifrey room. The link was established because she had brought him to what he called "a shared telepathic space," but in Gallifreyan translated into "where mirrored intentions are agreed upon"; sealed with a kiss and just like that, married. Truthfully, she knew they were probably married several times over in other culture's ideals. This was just one more item she will thoroughly enjoy teasing him about.
Stretching, she realises she's thoroughly knackered, with such a difficult night, it isn't so hard to believe. Taking stock, she also remembers that she hasn't actually slept in three days, of course she's tired. She has Jack waiting on her though, so she moves to get dressed, but pauses as Darling sends her an image of Jack face down asleep on the bed in his room.
/Well, I see he's tired, too; that's convenient. I could really use some sleep myself, even though I feel like I should be working on finding the Doctor./
~My Wolf, we are in the Vortex. There is no linear Time here. Sleep. We will find a solution soon.~
Sending her thanks to Darling, Rose walks to her bed and slides under the covers. Reaching over she grabs the Doctor's pillow and buries her face into it, snuggling close. Wrapped in his scent like a safety blanket she falls immediately asleep.
Dreaming-
Rose is in space. Suspended in the cold dark places, surrounded by stars and dust, the seeds of creation. With a thought, she can turn, seeing everything. She's near a giant blue star, burning hotly in the silence. It's almost hard to look at, but beautiful beyond measure and all alone. To her other side are streamers of dust clouds and lanes illuminated gold and rose by the protostars within. In every direction she can see stars, nebulae, far off galaxies; it's inspiring and she loves them all.
Looking down at herself, Rose sees she's glowing gold, protected and buoyed by a fine cloud of golden dust that surrounds and weaves through her-Bad Wolf. In her mind, she feels the excitement and affection from Bad Wolf at her recognition. She knows this, just as she knows she is also Rose Tyler. Here in her mind, playing in her dreams, she is not restrained by her growing but still limited understanding. As she plays with the dust enveloping her, she feels that she isn't alone. Turning toward her visitor, Rose sees another column of golden energy. This one laced with curling tendrils of colours for which Rose has no names.
The other energy moves toward Rose; she isn't afraid. She hears a song, and it reminds her of the TARDIS; it is familiar. Moving closer, she harmonises with the song and adds to it. Together, the two sing eternities. They sing of love and life, of the beauty of the cosmos, the destruction that heralds birth, and the death that brings life. They create melodies that rage around them in a maelstrom of creative forces as they dance around each other. They sing of breezes and rain, of raising mountains and burning rock, of fertile fields and ranging forests. Their song is that of creation, of saving what must not be lost.
Their chords and melodies weave in strands of energy from the nearby star, who gladly gifts itself to them, and with this gift they remake anew.
Rose has no concept of Time in her dream. It could be a billion billion years in either the future or the past, it does not matter. Coming to rest, their dance complete, she is astonished to see the changes beneath her. There is no longer a blue giant star hanging lonely in space. It has been replaced by an entire solar system of five planets and one medium yellow star, orbited by a smaller dwarf. The planets even have moons, and one has a set of gorgeous rings. That was her part. She specifically remembers singing about the beauty of Saturn's rings.
She wishes to visit what they've done. Moving closer, her friend reaches out to stop her decent.
* NO, I AM SORRY. YOU MUST NOT GO, NOT YET—IT IS NOT FINISHED*
Humming her sadness, Rose doesn't understand, but is willing to wait. Turning back to her friend, she moves to her side.
/But why? We did this. We made this. It is wonderful./
The entity brushes Rose with affection, and Rose is once again reminded of the TARDIS, but also of more-something very familiar to her.
/Sphynx! You're the Sphynx! That's why I recognise you even though you look different. I didn't think I would ever see you again. Have you …recovered?/
Rose sends the Sphynx her love and wonder at what they have done and all she has been given, mixed with concern for Her well being and a generous helping of awe.
* YOU ARE WELCOME. I GAVE YOU THAT FORM, I NO LONGER HAVE THE SAME ENERGY TO TAKE IT. I ONLY HAVE YOU A SHORT TIME MORE, AND WE HAVE DONE MUCH, BUT HAVE MUCH LEFT TO DO. A CRISIS IS COMING, AND YOU WILL NEED TO BECOME MORE TO COMBAT IT. MUCH DEPENDS ON YOU AND YOUR DEVELOPMENT *
/I will do whatever is needed, but I must find my Doctor; he is lost to me./
* ONLY FOR A SHORT TIME, CHILD. YOU WILL RETRIEVE HIM. YOUR ARE BOTH NECESSARY. THE STORM AND THE WOLF MUST COMBINE TO HEAL THE RUPTURES. I WILL SHOW YOU *
With that, the Sphynx takes Rose and moves her to a section of space that is nearly empty—far, far from where they had been. Then the Sphynx releases information in Rose's mind...Spherical Gallifreyan and more. Rose watches as the Sphynx takes a word that Rose knows in Gallifreyan and writes it in gold circles in the area around them. She then lays the writing flat and morphs the circular letters into spheres—conjoined spheres within spheres. Then, She sets them in motion, singing to them Her intent. Rose watches in fascination as the Sphynx's intent is made manifest right before her eyes, the word -rock- becoming a large grey pocked asteroid hanging in space before them.
* COME TO ME. I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT MUST HAPPEN TO FIX THE GROWING BREACH. YOU WILL HAVE TO CHOOSE *
Rose moves to the Sphynx, and is completely enveloped by Her energy. The Sphynx is made of pure love. Everything She sees, touches, creates, and destroys, She loves. Rose is overwhelmed a moment, attempting to process the depth of it all. Taking the gold and coloured strands into herself, Rose see's everything that is, was, or ever could be. The Sphynx focuses Her on the destruction of Chelsea 426. Rose sees the Timelines as they should have been and as they are now. She sees the breach as a gaping hungry fissure in the fabric of space-time, and the rupture is getting bigger. Soon, it could expand to the point where the Universe will accelerate towards it, and all will end. Rose knows what she has to do. She hates it; the Doctor will hate what she needs to do. She has no more choice than the Doctor did when stopping Rassilon. She will do this thing. This breach must be closed.
Rose pulls back from the Sphynx, their energies still embracing one another. Rose is about to speak when-
-DOCTOR!-
Crashing back to reality so violently, she's flung from her bed standing; still screaming and clutching her head. Falling to her knees, Rose doesn't hear Jack burst through her door searching for her. Then he's there, holding her shoulders trying to get him to tell her what's wrong. One final agonising scream shakes her, and she collapses against him, sobbing and gasping for breath; her hands digging at her throat.
"Wolf, wolf! What's wrong? What's happened?" he asks frantically.
Jack has no idea what could have prompted her reaction, other than nightmares. Well, in this case, he would have to say night terrors. He never wants to see her so distraught ever again. Feeling protective, he bundles Rose into his arms and carries her to a chair; rocking her and stroking her back, whispering comfort to her. After a few minutes the storm has passed, and she moves to get up; he lets her, but is still wearing a worried expression.
"Was it a nightmare? I...I'm sorry," he says trying to express his sympathy.
Taking a deep breath, to separate her memories from her thoughts, "No it was worse. First I was dreaming…amazing things…beautiful things...then…it was the Doctor, and I was in his mind somehow when he woke up just now. He'd been waiting to feel himself wakening, and pounced at the first opportunity, but something didn't feel right. He's so angry, but then he... my...throat was getting tighter...I couldn't breathe...my head is in a vice...feel Rose...far...pain-PAIN!-"gasping for breath unable to disentangle herself from his memory, Rose sways clutching her head again.
Jack jumps to his feet steadying her.
"I..Thanks. I'm...good. A flash and then blackness, that's all I saw after. Whatever is happening, he's unconscious again." With sickening dread she reaches out for him. He's still far away, but faintly she feels their link. The link is what must have made the shared experience so powerful to pierce even the Vortex. He's definitely alive, but something feels odd about their connection. It feels like it's coming to her in bits and pieces, garbled; like it's filtering to her through a sieve, and she can't get anything to him at all.
Nodding her thanks to Jack, she steps away from him, and realises she's still completely naked...and so is he. Blushing from toes to scalp, she can't even look at him as she just points toward her door. Jack is confused and on the way to being hurt, when he sees her blush. Now chuckling and moving to stand by the door, the handsome man turns again to give Rose a cheeky remark, and catches a face full of pillow instead.
"Out!" she yells at him, readying another pillow. Outright laughing at her now, Jack steps from the room closing the door after him. His laughter continues to reverberate through the halls as he heads back to his room. Moving to the bathroom Rose washes her face and brushes her hair and teeth. /Might as well get up, there'll be no going back to sleep after that,/ she thinks.
She's been out for 3 hours and 12 minutes; that would do her for a couple of days at least. Rose moves to the wardrobe where she picks out what to wear for the day. She picks something for fighting and running, she expects there'll be plenty of both. Thinking of her Doctor again, she sends him wave after wave of her hope, praying that some of them may reach him in whatever awful situation he's currently trapped in. Once dressed she heads to the Kitchen. Tea and toast will at least fortify her in the coming hours, and she needs to talk to Jack.
Twenty or so minutes later, Jack sees Wolf enter the kitchen with an amused half smile on her lips. She's wearing well fitted jeans, worn serviceable black boots, a dark red top, and long black leather coat. Her hair is pulled back, but some has escaped to frame her face. He thinks she's lovely, especially now that he knows whats under all that armour. Deciding to be roguish he lets fly with the flirting.
"Good morning, beautiful! Care for some tea or coffee?" She rolls her eyes, but sits at the table
"Some tea would be lovely. I'll make the toast." Starting to get up Jack waves her back down. He reaches into the bread box, and is pleased it actually has bread in it. Rose is amused by his delight.
"So how do you take your tea? I like mine the same way I like my lovers; sweet and warm," he says with a wink tossed over his shoulder. Snorting at him, she can't hide her grin anymore.
"Jack really, stop it. You know it isn't going to get you anywhere; two sugars and some milk."
Handing her her tea and toast with a jar of plum jam, she gratefully digs in. He leans back against the counter and crosses his arms over his chest.
Whining at her, "I know, I know, you have a mate, but Wolf, I don't understand why I feel all brotherly toward you. Even I wouldn't screw my sister. You're hot, and I'm not bothered. It's...well, it's just not right." With an exasperated huff he joins her at the table with his cup of coffee, and helps with the toast.
Nearly choking on her first piece of toast at the implication of the Doctor being her mate, she suddenly remembers the other 2 or 3 times he's said it. She'd thought he meant mates, you know...friends.
Coughing, "Not mate, just...friends, complicated friends." Getting her breath back, she smiles at Jack nonchalantly, while receiving an incredulous 'ya right' look from Jack. Whatever. She goes back to happily munching toast.
"Look sister, I don't know what line you're telling yourself about that gorgeous man of yours, but I saw you two at dinner, and you were more than…friendly."
Devouring one piece of toast and now nibbling on another, Rose looks at him for a long minute. Long enough he starts to squirm under her examination. Finishing her toast, she takes a deep breath.
Looking at Jack again, she cocks her head to the side and says, "Rose."
"What?" He's thoroughly confused. The way she'd been looking at him, he wasn't sure what to think.
"It's my name, Rose. Rose Marion Tyler. I'm from 21st Century Earth, London, UK."
Sitting up straighter, he looks at her first with surprise, then scrutinising her closely he places both hands on the table and calmly asks, "So does this mean you're about to kill me?"
"What?! No! Why on earth would you think that? You daft git. I learned how to do something last night, and I have a feeling I need to be honest with you." Putting her hands in her hair and resting her head in her palms, "I'm going to need your help, and you deserve to know the consequences."
Relaxing now that he isn't facing his imminent demise, he's still very curious. "Okay, so first, you aren't human. I scanned you. I know you're a Time Lord, and that doesn't fit with 21st Century London."
"Oh, that's a long story. Let's see if I can do a concise version…The Doctor and I traveled for a year, I swallowed the Vortex from the TARDIS, wiped out millions of Daleks while possessed by Bad Wolf, that's what it's called, saved...um...saved the Doctor...sort of," (she doesn't really want to start this story from the point where she turned Jack into a fact,) "gave back the Vortex, traveled for another year adventuring, got pulled into a parallel Universe I affectionately call Pete's World, but was cut off from the Doctor, got cancer, was sort of dying, got pulled through the Void and a fissure between Universes by a pan-dimensional elemental being called the Sphynx; that gave a portion of her life-force combined with leftover Bad Wolf energy to turn me into a Time Lord so the Doctor would no longer be alone. Now, we're adventuring again, and I'm learning to be a Time Lady; cool huh?" She's very glad of the respiratory bypass throughout that verbal marathon.
By this point, Jack's eyes are as big as saucers. He couldn't possibly have heard her right…on any of it.
"Okaaaay, so can I ask questions?"
"Yup."
"Soooo, Bad Wolf? You're Bad Wolf."
"Yup, well part of me is. Bad Wolf is too big for me to be, well me, so I access it/her, I guess. I'm working on new info about that as well. Par for the course, that," she says with another charming roll of her eyes.
"Well, where I grew up-"
"The Boeshane Peninsula, 51st Century."
With a semi-suppressed squeak, Jack is sitting up super straight, leaning away from her, and has his eyebrows nearly to his hairline; she can feel his uncertainty.
"Jack, I'm sorry, really. I'm not trying to scare you. Look, I'm going to finish telling you everything, because at a point in the future it won't matter, and it'll be more useful to both if us, you knowing."
"I'm going to die. Is it a good death at least? I've done so much, and I hated some of it. Tell me I died saving people." He looks at her with such sadness and hope, it almost bring tears to her own eyes.
"Yes, well sort of, but no. What is it with you and dying all of a sudden? Oh, come here. Just let me show you."
"You know where I'm from, Bad Wolf is the golden Goddess of life and destruction, a lot like the ancient Hindu Goddess Kali." He needed to get that out before he could pretend to calmly sit next to her.
"Really? I guess I can see that, but it's really complicated."
"Isn't everything," Jack says with a half-smile, trying to recover his composure. Not everyday you share toast with a Goddess.
"So, you keep calling me Jack. I guess I should give you my real name, too." Before he can though, Rose stops him, reaching over to touch his arm. It is such a human gesture, it soothes Jack's nerves.
"No, please I only know you as Jack, and I want to keep it that way. I'm sorry if that's hard for you. I don't think it will be once I show you some Jack TV, courtesy of my memories," she says tapping her own temple. She's hoping her cheeky grin will further put him at ease. She really is going to need his help.
"Jack TV, eh? That's funny. Alright, lay it on me Rosie" he says with a matching smile.
Rose brightens the room with her grin at his familiar nickname. Getting up and placing herself next to him at the table, she reaches for his temple.
"I'm only going to be giving you information, but if there's anything you don't want me to-"
"Ya, ya. Put it behind closed doors. I know the drill. As a Sensitive, we're put through rather rigorous telepathic training when becoming a Time Agent."
"Right! Well, let's get on with it then." Pressing her palm to Jack's temple, she pushes her entire block of Jack memories at him as a solid bundle. He can live them; she doesn't really want to, again. Jack slumps to the table, not unconscious, but not exactly awake either. She arranges his head on his crossed arms, and leaves him to it. With a smile, she ruffles his hair affectionately, and heads to the Console Room.
Arriving at the Console, Rose starts pulling up information about her first mission. The one she needs to complete before rescuing the Doctor. She hates that she has to do it without him, but knows it would be nearly impossible with him. With a frustrated huff, she buries herself in data and equations. She's trying to see if she can find an alternative to what the Sphynx had shown her hidden somewhere in the flowing numbers and timelines she's pouring over. An hour and 6 minutes later she pulls herself out of her research. Stretching and cracking her back, she's just about to go check on Jack when he stumbles into the room. Turning and leaning back against the Console, unconsciously mirroring the Doctor, Rose watches Jack carefully
"Hello," she says softly. He has a bit of a shell shocked look on his face, and she can understand why.
"Hey. So...you and the Doctor met me just after I ran away from the Agency because they wiped two years of my memories?"
"Yup."
"That isn't happening this time is it? I just started living those two years didn't I, the missing ones; it wasn't the Time Agency that actually wiped those memories."
"Yes, yes, and no?...,I think you have the right of it."
"This is a circular paradox."
Sighing and shifting her weight, "Very good. Yes, it seems it is."
"You'll have to take these memories from me at some point, so you can return me to my proper timeline."
"Yes, exactly. Is that alright?" She's still watching him, and she really wants him to help, but he has to make the choice on his own. If he can't stay, she'll wipe his memory and return him now. She'll figure her way without him if necessary.
Jack is having a rough time reconciling the man he is, with the man he becomes. He likes future him way more than where he is right now. He has no way of knowing which two years future Jack thinks he's lost. What of his current memories will he still have? Wait, idiot. He'll have them all. He will loose everything from the point of meeting Rose on. This meant that he'll have all of his current memories, and is still that happy guy that has this woman and her Doctor as friends in the future. Real friends, too; he can tell by the way she remembers him. She loves him like a big brother, and he doesn't want to lose that; not when adventuring with her and that Doctor fixed him. He'll give anything to feel that…well welcome.
Experiencing her memories at the end though had been hard. He saw that they'd been augmented with scenes Rose couldn't have remembered herself, but he still saw how they played out. It is some consolation though that the final piece is her intense desire to find him, apologise, and fashion a way for him to join up as part of a new trio. Well, he's certainly up for that. He's going to be immortal! Cool!
"Yes. Yes, Rose Tyler, it's more than alright, it's fantastic!" he says, mimicking their first Doctor.
"Great! So do you want to hear the plan? You won't like it, but I can't find any other way. You should also know that once we rescue the Doctor and he finds out what we've done, he's probably going to be mad. Just thought I'd give you fair warning."
"You know, you have a much thicker accent in your memories. Sure, lay it on me. I've seen plenty of ugly; what's the plan."
Snorting at him being so, well him, Rose says, "Ya, when I was pulled through the Void, I regenerated. Doing that in the TARDIS with the Doctor right there made me a...well, a little more Doctor-ish."
"Wow, Time Lords really can change themselves to save their lives. That's an amazing piece of genetic prerogative. Guess I should start believing in the tooth fairy, too?"
Snorting her laughter at him, "Isn't it though, but like much of their current physiology, it was engineered into them. Oh, I say current...well you know what I mean. Did you get that part, about him being the last?"
"Ya. Do I even want to know how?"
"Probably not, but I don't even have the whole story, but there was a war, and he ended it at the cost of all his people and what he thought was all the Daleks."
"We knew the Daleks and Time Lords seemed to have gone missing at about the same time, but that's all we knew. We we're so busy, we didn't really consider looking that gift horse in the mouth. Both races had been a pain in our backsides, and we were just fine ignoring them."
Laughing Rose asks, "I can imagine. So the plan. How do you feel about Sontarans?"
"Sontarans? Well, at the moment I like them even less than the 'not at all' that I previously felt for them."
"Good because we have to kill them."
"Kill them? All of them?!" Jack squeaks this out with his eyebrows raised and an obvious look of horror.
"No, I don't need to commit genocide, but the ones that attacked Chelsea 426 have to go, and we have to kill them before they kill the City."
"Oh, is that all?" It's his turn to roll his eyes at what she makes sound so simple. "And how do you plan to go about that, Rose Tyler?"
Waving her arm in an arc meant to encompass the entire TARDIS, "Magnificent, sentient Time Ship."
The TARDIS hums her amusement at both of them.
~My Wolf, I am sorry the Matriarch's plan is so distressing. Time is being rewritten all around me. It is very difficult to see all the paths currently. I will do my best to get us where we need to go.~
/I know you will, Darling. None of us are excited about this, even the Sphynx was sad that this was the only way. Did you know she was going to help?/
~No! Not until she pulled your dream to her, did I see her involvement.~
Rose can feel that the TARDIS is more frightened by the not knowing, than for any help received from the Matriarch, as Darling thinks of her. Rose doesn't like the idea of anything frightening her beloved TARDIS, and this just adds one more brick to her resolve, that she is making the right choice.
"Right. Let's go find us one Commander Straarl and his bleedin' Mighty 35th Sontaran Battle Fleet."
Turning to the console Rose enters the precise time and space coordinates for near where the fleet should be 24 hours before they attack Chelsea 426.
A/N: Thank you so much for all the impassioned reviews! No one likes to see the Doctor not in control, me included. :-) These were previously two chapters, but I decided to combine them. This will get us to the next Doctor chapter faster. Hope you like my idea of Spherical Gallifreyan. It occurred to me one day when I was playing with the Sherman alphabet. Have a great weekend and see you Monday with -Diary of a Hidden Time Lord. Cheers!