Chapter 47
Ace Saves Everyone

With the ceremony scarcely an hour away Slate's men, under Ace's
careful supervision, had a bit of a do-it-yourself video transmission station in place. With a multi camera feed, special effects board and everything.
Once the cameras came to life, in an instant everything would change. The cue was to be given by Ace himself and all of Cat world would be forced to watch the crowning of the Tabbies' new King. Or suffer a fate far worse than uncoolness. Having to go the night without watching the Telly.

Many would denounce it.

Many would be for it.

Many wouldn't care.

"When the broadcast has ended you'll give the order for our supporters take up arms all over Cat world. Simultaneously." Ace smiled a cocky smile.

"We'll overthrow each city from within while their troops are scattered, searching for us." Putting on his sunglasses: "Smoke me a kipper, the revolution will be televised."

"Yes the Red Hats army will be tryng to pinpoint our location." Slate stated more realistically. "For the military to pinpoint the transmission source and destroy it." He turned. "It makes my fur itch, all this waiting and subterfuge."

"But they'll never find it you old bastard. I've made damn sure of that."
Only the mad and twisted mind of Arnold the Ace of Black Hearts Rimmer
could have conceived of such a diabolical ploy. Using something in everyone's home for such propaganda purposes. Who but a sick mind could envision such a plan? And he would see it off personally. No matter how many innocents he has to kill.

Currently the crew was doing sound checks and the gathered crowd was being entertained by jugglers and fire eaters, while vendors sold food and drinks from little stalls that conveniently pop up where ever social events happen to take place. Get a good music fest on the unhippest planet in the solar system Uranus, and somehow food and t-shirt dealers will be their before the warm up bands arrive.

Char broiled small fuzzy creature on a stick was always popular. So were Cat nip stands, which always had what you were looking for.
Not to mention all the vendors which served various grades of milks and creams. Many of the Cat people wore t-shirts with images and slogans of the day.

"Hell No We Tabbies Won't Go." "There's one thing I like more than torturing small furry creatures and that's KIng Tabby the Fourth." And of course: "My parent's went to the coronation of King Tabby the Fourth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

Ace's original plan was based on the information that the coronation was slated for sometime after nightfall. Now it looked as though it would come about much sooner. The trick was not to make their move until the cameras were transmitting. If they crashed the party too soon it would never be transmitted and that just wouldn't do.

To insure optimum timing Holly was again monitoring the local video
transmissions. Which had returned to it's regularly scheduled programming, The Flintstones.

When the pirate transmission started, Holly would signal Kryten, via his com link and the mechanoid would tell the others it was show time. "It had to be at the height of the coronation for optimum effect," Ace said. Eventually over time all but Holly understood television and timing.

"I just can't get my head around it," he explained, but agreed to watch the cartoons just the same.

Lister sat in the cargo bay of the transport dressed in the full robes of Cloister the Stupid. He had already been wearing the get up longer than the entire mission would take.

"Hell if we had started the smegging thing at lunch time, it'd be over by now," he complained. "I'm beginning to think this whole thing was a big mistake, and seriously sweat. Spanner can you turn down the thermostat? It's hotter than a kitchen oven on Christmas day in here," Lister sweated, sitting at a generator console holding his golden donut hat in his hand .
Spanners accompanied Lister, sporting his familiar overalls. His job was simple: Keep Lister alive. He remembered their briefing with Ace.

"It can be mighty difficult if our God return didn't return on cue old
pudding. Make sure he gets to the coronation on time, and watch his back."
She stopped, looked at Spanners and winked; "At all times. He'll be especially vulnerable when he's making his speech."

The words echoed in Spanners head and caused him to look at his watch again. "Less then an hour until sunset, Holly any sign of a break in the transmission?"

Holly who was so engrossed in the latest episode, he almost completely ignored the question. When he finally did respond it was: "Was that a chock ice you wanted Dave?"

Some distance off, as not to arouse local security, cloaked in a cloak of invisibility, Starbug Three was perched on a hill. If the natives could see the transport vehicle, it would look like a bad special effect in a cheap sci-fi
giant insect thriller.

Regular patrols were kept by small troops of Tabbies, usually lead by one of Slate's Outcats. Spanners and Kryten had whipped up a little something to disguise the scent of themselves and the craft from these security patrols.

"It's mostly made from cat urine, and it smells like it, but it works." Spanners explanation didn't help, and consequently the craft had the strange odor of litter box to it.

"What I want to know is where that evil Ace escaped to. What if his craft were somehow disabled and he couldn't dimension jump?" Spanners had queried earlier.

"What exactly are you getting at old friend?"

"His craft was in pretty bad shape from the hits I personally saw it take.
Coupled with the fact that without the proper equipment it would be damn hard for me to do the repairs required for that craft to be dimension jump
worthy."

Although somehow she managed to convince Spanners and the others that her alternative evil self was of no concern currently, she couldn't quite convince herself. So when the boys were ready in the cargo bay helping Holly monitor the local video transmissions and waiting for the show to begin, Ace decided now was the time when her and Kryten would finish what they started before.
Locked in the cockpit of the ship Ace advanced on Kryten.

"Kryten," Ace Called. "Command One Delta Niner, sub command zed one one one three seven. Open files marked H134 through HH199."

As Kryten did this he became immobile and his pupils took the shape
of a small brown owls'. The eyes and tales moved in unison, though in opposite directions, as the files unfolded in his synthetic brain.
Ace again drew a lead out of Kryten's head and plugged it into Starbug's transmission console. As she did this she couldn't help getting a certain feeling of De ja vu. She quickly checked over all the security monitors.
When she was satisfied all was secure Ace opened a small, voice command wall safe, which she had Spanners install as part of the ships modifications. A panel slid open revealing a small transistor looking device. As this happened the owls fled from Kryten's eyes, and motion again entered his body. "All files open Ms. Ace Mum."

"Kryten my old banana cream pie, I'm now going to have to ask you to bypass a few circuits and get very personal and very physical with me."
She peered into the mechanoids synthetic eyes. "Are you up for it?"
Kryten felt as though he were a young girl on a date and being asked to
do things that might be compromising to herself, society and to her pants.
"I'm in all the way mum." Kryten chirped and smiled. "Right to the end,"
he added.

"Good. Now I want you take this device," she nodded to the open panel,

"out of it's hiding place and do as I say. Is that clear?"

"Clear as glass that I had just spent the afternoon cleaning with my Jiffy Windo-Kleen."

"Good. Then we can begin." She said with a nasty smile on her face.
Ace would be forever changed by this encounter between these two
synthetic life forms.

Twenty seven minutes and a wisp o' smoke later, and it was over. Ace
Rimmer was a new woman. Capable of things she had never been capable of before. Kryten, through Ace's instructions, had successfully converted her soft light light bee into a hard light light bee. Now she would have a physical presence, she wasn't half a woman any more. Her pleasure and pain responses were the same as a living ones', with the added bonus that she was virtually invulnerable.

While Kryten was still off line Ace flipped the switch on the security
monitors and noted that the transmission hadn't started yet. "Good," she thought. "I'd hate to miss the fire works." Momentarily reeling in the grandeur of this new hurdle leapt she looked skyward through the crafts' moon roof.
At that moment it hit her.
Why she couldn't get a reading on her double. She had been secretly scanning the planet shortly after Spanners had explained his doubts. But he wasn't on the planet. He was in space. Working on a satellite relay for the broadcast.

When Kryten came back on line there was a message waiting for
him. "Play message," he said.

It was Mrs. Ace Mums' face on the screen. "Kryten I think I've located
my alternative self. He should be in orbit, probably manning a satellite relay station himself. No doubt waiting for me. Hate to disappoint him so I've taken one of the escape pods and gone after him."

"Don't worry about me our little experiment ended rather well. Take care of the boys for me. I'll try be back before the ceremony starts. If I'm not proceed without me. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.