Chapter 50
The Return of Cloister

Ace Rimmer stood silhouetted in the dimming evening sun, some miles off from the coronation grounds, watching the events through a small pair of field glasses. Her escape pod had been badly damaged, but was still intact
She was able to convince it for one last trip, almost.
Crash landing some distance away from the action she could do little to help.

"It's up to the boys now," she said allowed, and started moving towards the action.

Behind a partition, on a large tower high above the amphatheater where The Cat was minutes from being coronated, Spanners watched Lister. With Ace's words echoing in his head he removed a rad pistol from his overalls and started changing his clothes.

On the other side of the partician wearing the sacred donut, golden sausage and all the robes befitting Cloister the Stupid, Lister stood sweating profusely. One hundred and fifteen feet below a lake of cats swarmed. Their eyes and all the eyes of Cat World, via satellite, watched the coronation cerimony. When it was at its height, and The Cat was moments away from being crowned King Tabby the Fourth Lister exclaimed:

"Halt! Commands Cloister!" His words reverberated across the vast amphitheater thanks to an acoustics trick courtesy of Spanner.
All turned when they heard the words from above. A spotlight via Starbug started making its way towards Lister.

"Look!"
Lister's silhouette grew in detail as a local spotlight's beam crossed the other. Slowly both worked their way over Lister's robes and finally to his face. The cameramen scanned the tower.

"It's Him!" a woman's voice shouted.

"He's returned!" agreed another. A sudden roar broke out fom the crowd
as all started talking and yelling at once. Despite their mouths moving their
heads stayed in place. All eyes were now firmly planted on Lister.
The Cat, formerly of the JMC'S ship, Red Dwarf, was not pleased to say the least. Nor were his more devoted followers of the inner circle.
Currently they were trying to convince the crowd in the local vicinity of the stage via their truncheons that Cloister wasn't there.

Lister spoke again. "The Cat you see before you is a fraud, he has been duped by those around him into believing this false prophecy."
As the words false prophet murmured over the crowd, the mood had suddenly changed. Quit drastically.
One of the Cat's disciples grabbed a mic and started shouting

"Don't believe him he's a fraud. Tabby is our true leader"
Cloister the stupid pointed his robed hand at the shouting disciple. With that the disciple exploded, those local to him were covered in fur. Not another cat made a sound. Slate and the Out cats started moving off the stage as quickly and inconspicuosly as possible.
Cloister continued:

"This creature you see before you on the stage isn't your exiled leader, coming to lead you a new. It is true his parents were exiled, but not for their beliefs. It's because he was a jelly brain." Lister hesitated looking for the right word. "You know Noodle doodle, Other saw this and knew his offspring would be crap. He is more interested in waxing his crotch than what the people want."

"If you are looking for a leader, a cat that can take you into a new millennium." then look no further than your own local councils. They work and live among you. Who but they, besides your selves could possibly know what's right for you." Lister tried to look as solemn as possible. Because he was sincere.

A voice, this time one Lister recognized asked,"What is to be done with the fraud and his people?"

"He is to be sent back from whence he came."
There was a rumble among the crowd.
A crack of lightning filled the sky as the shock of thunder filled the hearts of all who were gathered in this open air stadium.

"From whence he came!" shouted Lister.
One of the outcats had managed to move into position and squeezed off a shot before Spanners was able to stop him. Lister took a shot in the right shoulder, which slammed him into the partition behind him. Lister was unconscious before he hit the ground.

"Kryten we need more lightning and we need it bad man!" Spanners hollered into his communicator.

"Coming right up Mr. Lister Sir."

Then another flash, all courtesy of Kryten circling above in the cloaked Starbug. When the lightning bursts subsided Spanners was standing in LIster's place, dressed in the robes of Cloister the Stupid.
The crowd went wild. "It's him! It's him! You can't hurt him! It's Cloister!
It's Cloister!"

Moments later his voice again filled the air.

"You may do as you please with the Outcats." The thousands of Cats needed no more prodding than that. The Outcats more or less were torn apart, but the Cat himself was separated from them. His royal garments were torn from him as he was man handled onto a small escape pod and unceremoniously shot into space.

In the upper stratosphere Starbug one was waiting to intercept the pod.
When the Cat entered the ship he was met with four sets of contemptuous stares.

"And what's your problem monkey. You got your way and I got nothing. I had all my hearts' desire."

"Come off it," said Rimmer. "You were being duped. A stooge. And you knew it."

"Sure I know all that. But did you see the wardrobe they furnished for me. It crossed an international dateline,'' the Cat ignoring the four identical frowns.

"When it was Thursday for my shirts it was Saturday for my socks."
Ace Rimmer of the FemVerse said, "Come on old fruitcake, you know in the end you wanted our plan to work. Hell I bet you even had something to do with having Lister shot. Knowing we had a replacement ready."
The Cat didn't answer Ace at first, but slinked up to where she was standing, and placed a furred hand on hers.
"Maybe you're right Ace babe. Perhaps you and I could go back to my quarters and discuss how I helped?"

Ace instinctively changed the grip on the Cat's hold, into one of her own. The Cat's wrist was now twisted in a way that forced him to his knees.

"Now now old chum, we wouldn't want to mistake me for one of your hand maidens would you?"

"Ow! No no of course not. I only wanted to be your friend."

"Mister Cat sir." Interjected Kryten. "Somehow don't you feel richer in a way you couldn't possibly have understood. Enlightened knowing that even though you were forced, you did the right thing and set your people free."
Ace let the Cat up and he walked up to address Kryten.

"You know, novelty condom head, sometimes you have a real grasp on the situation." The Cat smiled, "and then there's now."

"Come on gang, no use squabbling over mispoured dairy products. All this chin wagging isn't getting Davie Boy and his two not so little ones back home safe and sound in their own dimension," announced Ace.

"Let's get the proper coordinents from my ship the Wildfire and get you lads cracking. Arnie see if you can raise Holly. She should be able to make contact as soon as we re-enter the omnivores."

"Krytis old man,"Ace said as she put her arm around the mechanoid "I couldn't think of another more qualified than you in the cockpit when were in transition."
Ace's praise ceased Kryten's guilt chip glow allowing it to cool down to an operating temperature.

"Right a way Miss' Ace Mum," as Kryten scurried off into the cockpit.
When he got there he said, "What a gal."

The Cat wasn't to be found and Lister was found in the medibay. The stasis fields that Kryten had set up around the boys was still holding. The boys would be older then he'd originally planned to deliver them. But still young enough to have a lot of life left in them.

Back in the Wild Fire Ace Rimmer fetched The coordinents from his ships' computer and then sent them to the Starbug. While the figures were being sent over Rimmer noticed a familiar calculation. A smile drifted over her supple lips. Maybe she could save two lives with one trip. "Won't know if the waters cold until you dive in Ace me old buckaroo, she thought and fired up her ship.