Chapter 53: Please, Stop Flirting!
"I have..." She stopped, not sure how to say this to Derek, but she knew he needed to know how she felt.
Derek swallowed hard, trying to get a read on exactly what she was about to tell him. He immediately felt the nervousness rise in his stomach. He couldn't help but feel whatever she had to say was going to be bad.
Meredith chewed on her bottom lip, sitting in the chair directly in front of Derek. She had no idea what to really say to him. She was who she was, and nothing was going to change that. Meredith needed to explain to him about her, the true her. "Derek."
If it was possible for Derek to become more attentive, he just did when he heard the raspiness of her voice with a strong hint of nervousness calling his name. Most people probably wouldn't catch it. Meredith Grey was flawless when it came to showing any sign of weakness or tension. Derek didn't move an inch, anticipating the worse, keeping his eyes glued on hers so that he could read as much as possible. Right now, all he could see in them was confusion. He chose to remain silent and let her start with what she needed to say, obvious there was something big.
"The boys…" Meredith started but trailed off, looking away. She held her breath waiting for Derek to react, but he didn't. She looked back up into his eyes and saw him simply looking at her waiting for what she had to say. "All of it. It is all just too much." She immediately moved her entire head down and started wringing her hands together.
Derek was sure he just had the breath knocked out of him when he heard that last statement from her. No, it is not too much. No way, never. You are worth it. Why? Why would you do this. Derek thought but couldn't verbalize any of this to her. Right now, he was having trouble even getting a breath, much less a coherent sentence. He noticed her wrists continuously moving and never stopping and wondered what this meant. He was instantly thinking she was ending it and no matter how hard this was, he couldn't let her. He swallowed very hard feeling the huge knot that had formed in the base of his throat. He quickly formulated some thoughts. Derek knew he needed to talk in a low voice so that no one outside the small office would hear. "Meredith, what exactly is too much because the way I see it, you are never going to be too much. This." He emphasized, pointing between them both, never taking his eyes off of her, "will never be too much for me." Derek took a breath trying to stay in an even breathing pattern not letting on the feeling inside, a feeling of despair.
Meredith had no idea how to respond. Can I keep up this charade? I used to flirt for sport, but now it's a cloak to mask what we have. The boys. I can't just ignore them. How is that fair to him? Meredith pondered quickly before responding. She let out a deep sigh, "You don't want me. If you knew... if you realized how many boys and the bars, this," Meredith gestured in a similar fashion that Derek had done seconds before, "would never exist. It can't exist." She exhaled slowly at the last statement with an instant pain in her heart, wishing she was not this girl. It never bothered her much before; however, Derek was different. He was not just another boy in the bar.
Derek couldn't believe she was actually saying this. He realized then and there; Meredith Grey deserved greatness. He had a feeling she had never felt important to anyone, and it was time she was the light of someone's life, of his life. Derek had been hurt before, but this was something he knew was worth the risk. Meredith Grey was worth it. He couldn't help but flash her a comforting smile. He wanted her to truly sense how he felt without even laying a finger on her. "Meredith," he soothed in a low voice, "I fail to see how that prevents us from being together . . ."
Before going farther Meredith tried to jump in to talk, rebutting him. Derek curled his lips up even more at her, "It is my turn, and you will hear me out." He said calmly.
Meredith wanted to roll her eyes, walk away and not hear him out. She didn't want to give him a chance to work his McDreamy charm, but something kept her from moving her feet, from standing up out of her chair to leave. Everything in her head told her to get up and walk out, but it was as if it were physically impossible for her to move. Looking at him, smiling at her made her insides tingle in every way giving her a sense of security she had never felt before. She smiled slightly trying to calm the nervous feeling that had welled up in her stomach, "okay."
"What I saw today, and in the past week, was tough and I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous, but I want to be the only one who looks at you like that, the only one to touch you, know what makes you tick." Derek couldn't help but add that part thinking about their time together and how magical it truly was.
He saw her smile a little bigger and continued when he saw her relax just a little more sitting in the chair. As much as he hated to change the mood, he had to also continue with the next bit, "But, if I'm the one you want to come home to, even if it means years from now, I'll give us that time." He stopped to take a deep breath before continuing hoping it didn't seem like an ultimatum. "Meredith, you need to decide that this is worth it and try… I need you to try, because watching them look at you, it is a lot. You have no idea how hard it is knowing what men want. And you…" He swallowed hard starting to feel how much he wanted her right now, but knowing there was no way, "are a beautiful, talented, and intelligent woman that I want more than anything."
Meredith sat in a state shock. No one has ever said this to her, especially a guy. Her eyes were locked onto his and she saw the most amazing man she has ever met. It broke her heart to know she would never be able to be the woman he deserved. "I am too... I am dark and twisty. I can try, but when it comes down to it, I am Meredith, just Meredith who sleeps with boys picked up from the bar." She saw this look in his eyes and had to break the intense stare they shared. She knew she wanted this more than anything; however, could never be the woman Derek needed. She continued to sit in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes looking at her hands that were steadily moving together.
He could see the look in her eyes, the love, the confusion, she held everything in her eyes. Derek immediately reacted in the only way he knew how not even remembering where they were in his shop, a place where anyone could walk in at any given moment. He kneeled down almost in front of her trying to calm himself. He could not lose Meredith and needed to get through to her. He put one of his hands on her chin and looked up adoringly at her. He whispered, "You, Meredith Grey, let me love you. Stop making up reasons to stop me. All I am asking for is for you to try to stop with the flirting." He looked up curiously. He noticed she was chewing on her lip again, contemplating carefully every word. Derek decided to add in something to lighten the mood a bit, "Besides, someone as cute as you can't help but have men flirting with you."
Meredith had no idea what to say, she went to open her mouth but before she could, they heard the door open. Meredith's heart skipped a beat out of fear someone just caught them. They were wrapped up in their own little world when the door opened. She was thankful Derek immediately snapped out of it and stood up just as fast as someone walked in with Derek's back to the door and shielding Meredith from seeing the person walking in.
"Shepherd, I need to talk to you about…" The person stopped suddenly seeing a person sitting in front of where Derek was standing. "Lieutenant Commander Grey. I am sorry ma'am; I didn't know you were in here."
Meredith straightened up in her chair and stood up forcing Derek to move slightly. She reverted right into her officer role, "AD1 Yang, I was done here." Meredith knew she was nowhere near done with this conversation, but she had to give him something. She looked to Derek as she took a step back, "AT1 Shepherd had to pull his head out of his ass and light a fire under his crew to get 502 back up. But I will also keep up my end of things." She kept the seriousness of her expression, but hoped she was able to give enough to Derek that he realized just what she was saying.
Derek looked at Meredith, trying to read what she was giving him in that statement. He knew she had gone back into her work role, but there was a hint of feeling there, one that he could only be excited about. Derek glanced to Cristina and her curious look between Derek and Meredith. He really hoped she didn't clue into anything going on between the two of them. He made a quick mental note to talk to Mark about this, to find out if Cristina had any inclination to what was going on. "Lieutenant Commander Grey, I assure you we will have you up and flying in no time. I am heading out there myself to work on the plane myself. I assure you, when I have a goal in mind… an end result; I always deliver and will work hard for it, never giving up."
Cristina knew she stepped in on something but couldn't exactly read what it was. Both people were being very professional, but she was very intuitive and immediately picked up on something, she just wasn't sure what. She chose to stay silent until their conversation was over.
Meredith tried to not focus on Derek and his dazzling smile. She had noticed in the last week; he did walk around with a smile most of the time. She looked to Cristina and grew a little nervous seeing that Cristina was watching very carefully. She knew she needed to get out of there and get to work, "Good day AD1 Yang and AT1 Shepherd. You better be working your ass off to get my plane in the air." Meredith walked out of the shop, leaving Derek with that thought.
She stopped immediately in the very small hallway outside his shop and took a few deep breaths. She knew they could not get themselves in that situation again, of almost getting caught. Even them being found together just talking would be risky if it happened more than once. Meredith sighed heavily and walked to her office wondering if she could really do this… really stop with the flirting. She knew she wanted to, but she still couldn't completely push back the doubt if she really deserved this opportunity.
Do you think that Meredith will be able to stop flirting with other guys?