Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: As I said, I write these for no financial gain. However, I am unemployed and would love a job writing for SVU!

Author's Note: Please please review and let me know what you think! I'm open to suggestions as to what should happen next.

Olivia's Dark Nights Chapter 3

Olivia woke up the next morning feeling like hell. She was still so tired she couldn't move. She still felt emotionally numb. For the first time in years, Olivia voluntarily called out sick.

"Hi Captain, this is Olivia. I wanted to let you know I won't be in today. I have a bit of uh, a stomach flu."

"Are you sure you are okay Liv?

"Yeah, nothing to worry about. I'm…fine."

"Olivia take the time you need. We want you back healthy."

Cragen couldn't believe his ears. Detective Olivia Benson called out sick She was such a workaholic that he usually had to order her to stay home when she was sick or injured. He knew something just wasn't right. He didn't buy her story about a stomach flu. Olivia once wanted to come to work after suffering four broken ribs and a collapsed lung. He had a bad feeling about this.

Even though it was morning, Olivia just wanted to sleep. She swallowed two more sleeping pills, and pulled the covers over her head. Sleep would make all of her problems go away. She was wrong. A few hours later, she woke up screaming. She had another recurring dream about her assault. In this dream, the prison guard raped her. He put his filthy penis into her over and over again. Olivia was trembling and shaking. "I can't go on like this. What is wrong with me?"

Olivia was sobbing into her pillow. She again had the urge to cut herself. She didn't want to do it, but she just couldn't stop herself. She was a mess. Both of her thighs were marred with hideous bloody scars from above her knees all the way up to her hips. She had to stop this! She had done it before, and she could do it again. The problem is that she didn't want to stop. As sick as it was, this was the only comfort she had.

"Cap, where's Olivia?

"Home sick. She has a stomach virus."

"Olivia called in sick?" Elliot was just as surprised as Cragen. "Captain, there is something wrong with Olivia. More than just the post traumatic stress. She is not herself. I don't know how to handle it."

"I don't know either Elliot. Olivia can be stubborn; we all know that. If we do the wrong thing, she will shut us all out. I'm worried."

"I have to talk to her. I'll leave her alone today, but if I don't hear from her, I'm gonna stop by her place. I can't let her keep everything bottled up inside pretending nothing is wrong."

"Keep me updated. And let me know if I can help."

"Thanks Cap."

It was already five o'clock, and Olivia had not gotten out of bed yet. She just wanted to sleep and sleep in the warm safety of her bed. It was the only place she felt safe. She could relax. She went as far as to hang heavy blankets over the windows to keep the light out. She just wanted to be by herself in the blackness. As she laid in bed, she thought about the life she thought she would have by now. She always pictured herself married, madly in love with her husband, with a few children, and a big dog living in the country somewhere, miles from everything. She was as far from that as possible. She was single living in a small apartment in the city with no prospects. No pets, no kids, and few friends. How did this happen to her? Then she thought about Elliot. She had loved Elliot for a long time. Sometimes she thought he loved her too. He was one of her best friends. She knew he would always have her back. When Kathy and Elliot got divorced, Olivia was secretly happy. She thought maybe she had a chance with him. Elliot had not made any moves, but she was still hoping that one day he would. It was all that kept her going. She would have married Leon, but deep down she didn't love him .She was just tired of being alone. But once again, she screwed that up. Again, here she was all by herself in a dark bedroom. The tears started flowing down Olivia's cheeks once again. Olivia was so disgusted with herself that she just wanted to drop the hell dead.

Olivia called out of work for the next week. She couldn't face her demons. Her job reminded her all the horrible things that happened to her. She lost her fiancé because of her job. It was all too much to bear. She spent an entire week in bed crying, and cutting herself; alternating sleeping pills and vodka. Olivia was never much of a drinker, but now she was using the alcohol to numb her pain. Elliot had called quite a few times, and left her a bunch of messages, but she didn't want him to talk to him. He came over the other night, but she didn't want him to see her in this state. She hadn't even showered for a few days. Olivia laid in her bed with the covers over her face pretending she was in a coffin, hoping to god that someday soon her dream would come true.

"George, do you have a minute?" Asked Casey & Elliot.

"Sure, what is it?"

"Lets step into a room, it's a little more private."

"Elliot and I are worried sick about Olivia. We think she is depressed, even suicidal, but she won't open up to either one of us."

"Has she made any suicide threats?"

"Not directly. Said Casey. But she has mentioned a few times that she wishes she was dead."

"I see. Is she exhibiting any other unusual behavior?"

"She is very distant." Elliot said. She doesn't talk. When she does, it's a very few words. Then she seems to space out into her own little world. I know she is dealing with PTSD after her attack, but she seems to be getting worse."

"I don't know if I should say anything." Said Casey. "But, Leon, her fiancé broke up with her the other night. She was devastated. She was a mess from crying so hard."

"Why didn't she tell me?" Asked Elliot.

"I think she is embarrassed Elliot. She thinks her life is falling apart. That is hard for Olivia because you know she likes to be in charge at all times."

"Elliot, I think you need to talk to her. You have known her the longest. I would talk to her myself, but you two are closer. She will open up more to you. You need to find out what is bothering her, and if she is seriously suicidal. If she is, we need to get her help right away."

"I'll go over to her place tonight. Even if she doesn't open the door, I'll use my key and go in. This can't go on any longer. She can't keep living like this."