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Chapter 3- Loosing Yourself.

Five days later Frank started parade with his mind slightly scattered as he handed out pairings. The baby was sick, so he wasn't getting much sleep because he sat with her and made Noelle get some sleep. She needed it more because she had to be focused when she was on the streets, he was stuck in his office all day, so spending time with a grumpy baby was a blessing in disguise considering that he didn't see her much.

"Collins and McNally..." Frank looked around the room to find no sign of McNally at all. Nash shrugged when he looked her way, so did Collins, neither of them knew where she was, or why she wasn't here. He was supposed to welcome them back, try and make their return bearable, and now she was missing.

"Has anyone seen McNally?". Frank growled out, no-one responding. Everyone in the room seemed to be looking at the person next to them for answers.

Oliver walked up to Traci and held his hand out mumbling a soft "Keys" when she gave him her attention.

Traci arched an eyebrow and her head tilted to the side as she looked at him. "Trust me, I've got this okay" he whispered before she scrounged around in her pocket and handed them over. Oliver knew that she was the only person that had keys to McNally's and right now he needed those if he was going to get into her condo and actually have a shot at getting through to her.

He guessed that Nash had seen this coming too, if she had McNally's keys in her pocket and looked pretty much ready to go over there.

Since McNally had been back and was taken home from the ER she had been a ghost. She wasn't around the barn, but Frank let her take a few days. She wasn't at the Penny, and she wouldn't answer his calls or Nash's. Or even Collins' calls. She just totally cut herself off from the world, and he really thought that it was unhealthy, but he kept quiet until now. He was letting her grieve and get used to the idea of Sam being gone, and never coming back.

But now she was supposed to be returning to shift, and she wasn't there which really worried him. Oliver knew that Frank had called her and left her three voicemails telling her that she was back on rotation, and he knew that she had listened to them, but he also knew why she wasn't here.

Opening her door, Oliver called her name just so that she wouldn't get a fright when he suddenly appeared unexpectedly.

Her condo was dark, the slight races of a musty smell filling the air.

The curtains were drawn blocking out the sunlight, and the windows were closed trapping the smell inside. It wasn't a pungent smell, it just didn't emanate the summer sunshine and spring flowers that was McNally.

Oliver found her bedroom door closed and called her one last time before opening the door and stepping into the dark room.

Oliver let out a sigh when he saw the state of her bedroom. It was a little worse than he thought.

Okay, maybe it was a lot worse than he had been expecting, but he understood. Even rubbing his hand over his face wouldn't extinguish the sight.

Shaking his head Oliver walked over to the curtains and yanked them open, McNally stirring slightly as the sunlight hit her face and disturbed her state of sleep.

The light also gave him a view of the empty bottles that littered the floor next to her bed, as well as the night stand and the one she was still holding on to, sprawled out on her stomach.

"Go away" she mumbled and rolled over as soon as he stopped next to her bed and took the bottle out of her hand.

"No, so get up McNally, we need to talk".

"I need to sleep". She grumbled pulling her comforter over her head. She was clearly hungover.

"Get up, take a shower and then find me in the lounge okay". Oliver said and walked out of her bedroom closing the door behind him, loudly.

He needed a minute, needed a second to get himself together after seeing how deep McNally's cracks were.

Oliver went into the kitchen and threw a few half empty takeout containers into the trash before putting the kettle on and starting coffee, she was gonna need it.

Next he went around opening windows and curtains and letting fresh air and sunlight circulate through McNally's home.

When that was done, he went back to her bedroom and knocked before opening the door.

Her even breathing told him that she had gone back to sleep.

"McNally" he yelled, her head whipping up as she leered at him from under the corner of her pillow.

"Oliver, go away" she grumbled before settling back down.

Oliver walked over to her bed, and hoped that she had clothes on before he reached out, grabbed hold of her linen and pulled it off the bed until it was pooled in a heap at his feet.

"Shower, now. Or the shower comes to you" he said thankful that she was indeed wearing clothes under the bedding.

McNally huffed out a loud breath as she sat up and gave him a heated stare before she got up off the bed and headed for the bathroom, the door slamming behind her.

Oliver took a look around the room and wondered how it had gotten to this point, where everyone had been over the last five days if this was how she had let things go.

Minutes later Oliver was back in her bedroom, trashcan in hand as he scooped up the empty bottles and threw them out.

When Andy got out of the shower she felt a little better, although her head and stomach would not agree. They were arguing over their own stability.

Walking into her bedroom she found the bed made up, all the empty bottles gone and a steaming hot cup of coffee standing next to her bed.

It made her want to cry again.

That's all she had been doing since she came home, drink a little, cry a lot. Sleep a while, cry some more.

She hardly ate, and hardly slept really, she didn't answer her calls, or the door or even reply to the texts everyone had been sending her.

But she had read them, and listened to her voicemails. She just wasn't ready to face the world just yet.

And there was no way that she could go back to work today, not without...

She couldn't even say his name in her mind, it just really hurt too much. So she didn't.

Andy got dressed, and toweled her dripping hair a little so that it was dryer.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and went in search of Oliver.

Who had taken over her kitchen?

"Feeling better?". He wasn't even facing her when he spoke, his back was turned towards her but he somehow knew she was hovering behind him.

"Oliver...".

He faced her when she said his name, his hand held up before she could say anymore.

"First, you need to eat, then we're gonna go into the lounge okay? I'm gonna hang out here today, you know take some time. And maybe, later, we can talk".

His words made her smile, but it also scared her. What if he wanted to talk about things she couldn't handle right now? How would she do that?

Oliver turned his attention back to the stove and flipped McNally's omelet. She didn't have much in the fridge, but there was enough to make a mean omelet with, so it would do.

Nash must have been by and brought the few things he found in McNally's kitchen, because there was no way that McNally herself had even set foot outside the door in her condition.

He also had to give Nash credit.

She was a struggling single mom, who also supported her own mom on her small salary, but she had gone out and dipped into her budget by getting McNally a few items. He'd thank her for doing that, and then let her have it for letting McNally loose herself.

"Leo's been sick, she hasn't been here. Don't tell her?" McNally said in a hushed tone, like she was reading his mind.

Oliver nodded and set the omelet down in front of her as she tried to forge a smile that seemed so empty.

While she ate, he cleaned up the kitchen and made himself some coffee. His mind thought over Frank's words from when he made a call to him saying that he was out of commission for the rest of the day because McNally needed someone.

Frank didn't need to see her or the state of her condo to know how bad it was if Oliver pulled himself off shift to stay with her. His response had been a very observant "it's killing her" before he said he'd send someone to pick the cruiser up later.

When Andy was halfway through her omelet she pushed the plate aside and said a timid 'thank you' before slipping away to the lounge.

Oliver followed with another cup of coffee and some advil he found in the bathroom.

She took them with a shaky hand, her body not yet having let go of the shock it had received, or having absorbed the nutrients that now filled her system.

Oliver sat down across from her and ran a hand over his face. He was second guessing doing this, but it felt like he was meant too.

"I know this is hard okay, I know it's rough, but this is not you". He was going to ease his way in, start with something simple, but that had not been it. That was closing your eyes and jumping even when you didn't know where you were going to land.

"You have no idea Oliver". McNally said wearing a pained expression as she spoke.

"You know I got a divorce right?" He countered, McNally's expression revealing that she didn't know that.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know". She looked down as her feet and legs tucked themselves in under her.

"It's okay, I know. I still love her, I miss her but it done, it's over. I tried, it didn't work, so is through".

Oliver took a breather, let his words sink in. It wasn't easy to say that to someone other than Sammy. He'd been the only one that Oliver had really ever spoken to about his divorce.

"But we have the girls, so it's never really going to be over in some ways. Everytime I look at one of them, I see her. Everytime I call and talk to them, I hear her voice".

McNally looked up at him, her lips pinching together as more sadness crept onto her face.

"It was the same for Sammy too".

Him saying that just made her eyes sparkle with tears, her mouth opening and closing without a single sound coming from her.

Then the head shaking started and she lost herself to the denial that seemed to be swallowing her whole.

"It wasn't the same for Sam". She eventually mumbled, her bottom lip shaking.

"How'd you figure that?". Oliver really had no idea why she would even think that, nevermind actually verbalize it.

"Sam didn't love me Oliver". Andy snorted the words out, like it left a bad taste in her mouth to say them. "He said he did, but he didn't".

"He actually said that...to you?". Okay, that was something Oliver did not know.

"Yup, the day I was holding the grenade, when he came in there, he said a lot of things, but he told me he loves me. I just don't think he did".

Oliver had been sitting forwards listening to McNally talk, now he leaned back in the single seater and thought about how to respond to that.

If she ever found out what happened when she left, she would never stop believing that Sam didn't love her.

"You're wrong Andy, Sam did love you".

Andy let out a dry laugh, it was one driven by sarcasm and one that felt good to let out.

"He missed you too. He tried not to, but he did. You were always on his mind, he was always wondering if you were okay".

"No, he wasn't. He let me go in the first place. He broke up with me before that anyway, so it was over. But... It didn't make me feel any different". Andy was trying to hold on to her tears, but she couldn't.

"Andy, Sam let you go under because he didn't want to stand in the way of you choosing your career. He turned Collins' spot down when he found out that you were taking the other spot because he wanted you to do it, he wanted you to make something of yourself. He didn't follow you because they would have taken your badge if he did. All Sammy wanted was for you to go be the best cop you can be".

"He knew?". McNally seemed really shocked now that she knew that piece of information.

"Do you really think that Sam didn't know what was going on in your life because he wasn't a part of it anymore?". Oliver's brows shot up. McNally really had no idea did she.

"But..."

Oliver waved his hand around in the air.

"Look Andy, it doesn't matter what you think right now okay, your emotions are all screwed up, and you're in a bad place. I just want you to remember one thing okay?". He gave pause to wait for her reaction. When she nodded, he continued.

"No matter what you hear, or what you find out, Sam still loved you. He always had. He regretted letting you go, because you were the only person besides Sarah, his sister, that ever meant that much to him okay. Sam let you go because he felt like he was holding you back, like you were making...". Andy opened her mouth to say something, but he waved her silent.

"He felt like he was holding you down. Like he was making you make the wrong decisions in life and I don't mean Jerry, I mean your career. The age difference was also a part of it, because you have your whole life in front of you, he wanted you to experience it, so he broke up with you, and broke your heart, but he broke himself too".

Oliver took a break, and a deep breath, he had no intention of telling her all of this, but once he started talking he couldn't stop.

"He tried to fix it, before you left but he didn't blame you for leaving when you did, he only blamed himself. He ... Sammy didn't think he was worth it you know, like you deserved better?".

Andy let out another whimper when she heard that, her tears resurfacing to full blown crying again.

"It wasn't one-sided, trust me. I know because Sam told me that it wasn't. He told me that he was sorry for everything that happened, and I think he told me so that one day, if this happened, you'd know".

Oliver kept quiet after that.

He really didn't have the heart to say anymore.

"Hey, let's go shopping" Oliver said flipping the mood to something almost comical as he slapped his hands down on his knees and stood up.

"Let's go McNally, before they come repo my ride".

Andy let a small smile sweep over her lips, it was hard not to when Oliver was putting so much effort into earning one.

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Jelly Bean Jenna©