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Chapter 4- Facing Loneliness.
That morning gave Andy a little bit of perspective, and a little bit of hope.
As Oliver dragged her through the grocery store her mind focused on how Oliver was now that he was divorced. Then Traci swept through her mind, how she was now a while after Jerry had died. How much stronger she had become leapt to mind.
They were both strong people, and made Andy want to be strong too, just to stop from making their already so miserable lives even more miserable.
When Oliver took her home, she made them lunch, even though it was kind of weird that he was here, but it didn't feel wrong.
They had spent hours talking, and even a few laughs had been heard sounding through the rooms.
By the time Oliver left, Andy felt better, she felt almost normal and didn't feel like the brave face she was wearing was faked anymore. It felt like it was really her on full display for the world to see.
...
Luke sat at the bar, he'd been here for six hours and was sure that his skin was starting to corrode from the amount of whiskey he had already consumed so willingly.
He'd left the barn after parade when Andy was missing from sight, and everyone started to panic- including him.
He hadn't seen her since she came home, and didn't think he'd be able to look her in the eye when he did see her.
Her absence was an explanation as to how she felt, the way she felt a large part of his fault and the problem was- he knew it.
He knew exactly what he'd done, even before he had done it, even before he had started the conversation that would lead them to this point in time.
'Got a minute?' Words that had opened the floodgates weeks ago.
'Sure'. But that was the wrong answer, Swarek's answer should have been no. It should have been a feisty 'go to hell'.
But it hadn't been.
...
"Are you ever going to talk to me?". Nick asked Gail before she slammed the locker room door closed in his face after shift.
He was about to follow her in, when Williams came out and shook her head telling him not to under any circumstances follow through with that idea.
So he left, and instead found himself lurking outside Gail's new apartment's front door waiting for her to come home.
When she came up the stairs and stopped at the end of the hallway Nick stood up. He'd been sitting outside her door for over two hours waiting for her to come home, and he had no intention of leaving until they had a chance to talk.
"Seriously?" Gail chimed as she stepped closer and unlocked the door.
Nick followed her inside and closed the door, his face set in determination as he waited for her to pay enough attention to him to start somewhere.
"Are you ever going to stop following me around?" Gail asked as she took off her jacket and dropped it over the back of the couch.
"Not until I know exactly where we stand" Nick answered shoving his hands into his pockets as he watched Gail whirl around and face him.
"We don't stand anywhere Nick. You walked away again, so that shows how much you want to stand right here".
"It wasn't like that Gail".
"Then what was it like? The first time you left me in Vegas to serve in Afghanistan, the second time you run off in the middle of the night, no goodbye, no wait for me, just no anything". Gail's voice was fierce, her mood swinging dangerously close to combusting.
"Did you? Did you wait or did you move on as soon as I was out of town?".
"What do you honestly think I did?".
Nick stared at her, she didn't need to say the words to tell him. He knew. He could see it in her eyes.
This was done, this was over.
Nick slammed the door on his way out, and headed for the Penny.
...
As soon as Gail saw the door close, she felt like she could breathe again.
One wrong word, or one bad move and everything would be for nothing.
She hated having to do this, but it somehow seemed to clear things up.
It sure as hell spelled out exactly what Nick thought of her. Even if figuring that part out hadn't been in her original plan.
And that hurt. What he really thought stung way more than she thought it would.
Gail's hand moved up when she felt something brush her cheek. Her fingertips felt the telltale signs of tears even though she wasn't even aware was there until she touched it.
Crap!
She wasn't supposed to cry.
...
Traci watched Leo's eyes droop before he just couldn't keep them open anymore and he let sleep claim him.
She brushed a butterfly kiss across his cheek before she slid off the edge of his bed and turned his nightlight on.
Ever since Jerry had died, he couldn't sleep without it on, but Traci didn't mind. It was his coping mechanism.
Stopping in the doorway, Traci took one last look at Leo before closing his bedroom door halfway and leaving him to sleep.
This was the reason she did what she did, the reason she went to work everyday, and tried to make the streets they lived on safer- for her son. For the kids her friends still had to have.
Her friends kids; the though made her smile fade away. Chris had a kid, but that was just such a disaster considering that Denise was trying to force him to choose the kid over his job. Oliver had kids, but the family fell apart and now they were growing up without their dad being in the same home as they were.
Gail and Nick; they would make for a good looking kid, but that was just a bad idea. A mini Dov, that made Traci's smile for just a second until her final thought drew to her mind.
A baby Sam and Andy.
That would have made the cutest kid ever, but sadly that just wasn't an option anymore.
...
Nick found an empty seat at the bar of the Penny, the late hour making it pretty much empty except for Callaghan in a corner and a few unfamiliar faces.
He ordered a beer, and a tequila trying to keep his heart off his sleeve and his eyes on his glass.
This was all just so wrong.
The tequila reminded him that he was still alive, it's familiar burn sliding down to his stomach as he swallowed.
Being alive, and existing were pretty different, and now he felt more like his existence was a punishment for his crimes in another lifetime.
Setting the shot glass down, Nick thought about Andy and the tough time she was going through. It wasn't supposed to be this way when they came home. It wasn't supposed to be this hard.
Reaching out for his beer, Nick took another look towards the end of the bar, Callaghan's cold stare meeting his. The guy sure looked like he'd been put through the ringer lately.
Nick glanced back towards his beer and found his thoughts drifting back to Gail even though he didn't want them to go there.
He'd made a mistake by leaving yes, but she should have waited, especially if she'd been around when Swarek was killed. She, more than anyone should have know what it did to Traci when Jerry died, and what Andy would face coming home. She had the chance to have a life with someone, to be a part of something rather than be alone, but yet she chose to screw it up by doing whatever she did, and then tell him to his face?
How had they ever gotten to this point? How had things gone so sideways that today, they were all alone?
...
Oliver stared at his phone, for no reason.
He had hung up the call to his girls ages ago, but still his phone held his attention.
This was just so wrong, his life was so wrong.
He'd lost his wife, and he missed his girls. But the worst was that he'd buried both of his best friends nine months apart.
Losing them was hard to compare, Sammy was closer to Jerry than he was, but he was closer to Sammy in ways that Jerry had never been, but still having lost them both killed small pieces of him that weren't ever coming back.
Then there was the fact that he watched the other three women in his life live with loosing them too, Nash, Peck and the newest; McNally. That was harder to do than he ever imagined.
Nash was strong, but she didn't deserve to go through that, neither did her son who Jerry looked at as his own because he loved the kids mother more than anything.
Watching Peck was hard too, watching how she blamed herself when Jerry died. It was a while before he saw her look Nash in the eye. There were the weary looks she passed McNally's way after Sammy broke up with her, it resembled the blame she held for Jerry, like she was blaming herself for that too.
But the most heart heartbreaking was McNally after coming home to find out that she'd lost Sam.
She'd been so hopeful when her cover was over, he had seen her looking around for Sam on scene and again at the barn, but she didn't know she was looking in vain.
Then he just had to go and totally destroy her world by bringing it crashing down around her.
Setting his phone down, Oliver felt a chill run through him. He really hoped that none of his girls decided to follow in his footsteps and become a cop.
His heart couldn't handle that.
...
"Okay twinkle-toes" Frank murmured as he picked his daughter up and walked over to the rocking chair with her.
When he had settled them down, he noticed the smile she was wearing, just like her mothers.
He was pretty sure that she would have been okay if he'd dried her and left her to sleep but tonight he needed to hold onto her, and cuddle and get lost in her baby scent. He needed her to know he was here too, that he'd be here no matter what.
Even if her mother didn't change her mind about not getting married.
Noelle had called off their wedding when Sammy was shot, and she just cancelled everything.
She had apologized profusely, and he understood, they had a funeral to plan now; it wasn't a time for celebration.
Noelle had fallen apart that day, she'd been one of the first on scene and even though she knew what she was walking into it hadn't made it any easier. She had also been the one to drive down to tell Sammy's sister that he was gone.
Frank felt Noelle's hand on his shoulder as she leaned over and looked at her daughter sleeping peacefully in his arms.
"You know she's asleep right?" Noelle teased.
"I know, I just want to stay like this while I can" Frank said looking up at her. "What are we doing?" Frank mumbled making Noelle step around the rocking chair and stop in front of him.
"We're doing the best we can" Noelle said in reply. She knew how hard times had been on Frank recently, and the day of McNally's return, hadn't been any different. In fact that had probably been the worst.
"And if our best isn't good enough?".
"Then we try harder, or you call me" Noelle said managing a weak smile as Frank held a sleeping baby out to her.
Noelle's last words made him smile, because she really meant them.
...
Andy sat in the dark staring at the lights outside her window. It had been a really rough day but somehow what Oliver had said made sense.
After he left, it made her think.
This wasn't what she wanted to be, who she wanted to be, so she dug deep and tried to find a little bit of her old self.
It was hard, but eventually she got there.
One thought made her want to be herself, one thought made her feel a little more than the emptiness and numbness that hadn't left since she heard about Sam.
Sam would like what he saw, if he saw her now.
The thought actually made her feel bad for just letting go of everything.
She had spent the afternoon sending texts to everyone that she had been ignoring for nearly a week, and she sent an apology to Frank for ditching her shift. She promised him she would be in tomorrow morning and that she was okay.
She asked Nick if he'd seen Gail, but he didn't reply, so he was groveling or he didn't want to spoil her mood by saying that Gail had shot him down.
Andy spent hours taking stock of her life after Oliver left, sad thoughts surrounding her again.
That, and the word alone.
Almost everyone she knew was alone through tragedy or alone through stupid mistakes.
Luke, Traci, Nick, Gail, Chris wasn't dating anyone as far as she knew.
Oliver was divorced, but not seeing anyone.
Then there was herself.
Andy McNally, alone because she screwed up and made a mistake.
Alone because Sam screwed up and didn't follow her under.
Alone.
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