Olivia's Dark Nights
Author's Note: The characters are only on loan. I will return them at the end of the borrowing period.
Chapter 8
Elliot went to Olivia's apartment with the intention of bringing her some of her own things for when she woke up. He kept telling himself she would wake up. As he turned the door knob, the familiar scent of Olivia filled his nostrils. It was a scent he couldn't place. It was not strong, but it was distinctively Olivia. Her apartment and her body had that same heavenly scent. If she bottled it, she could make a million dollars.
He noticed her place was in disarray. Olivia was a clean freak. She dusted walls and washed her sheets incessantly. Nothing was ever out of place. Today, however was different. Her apartment looked like a bomb went off. There was stuff everywhere. The floor was so full of clothing that you couldn't even walk. The couch was covered with newspapers. The furniture was dusty. The bed was unmade with the fitted sheet half off. There were thick blankets covering every window. Empty glasses were scattered about. There were empty vodka bottles surrounding the bed. The vodka bottles were Elliot's biggest concern. Olivia was not much of a drinker. Sure, she would have a couple of drinks with the guys, mainly beer, but he had never known her to drink alone. He wondered if she was chasing the sleeping pills with the booze.
He wanted to bring her some of her own clothing, but with the mountains of dirty clothes on the floor, he didn't know what was clean. He also didn't want Olivia to have to come home to this mess, whenever it was that she would be back in her own apartment. He decided to clean up the place; wash the laundry and bedding, pick everything up off the floor, dust, sweep, vacuum, the works. It was the least he could do for Olivia.
As he put the dirty clothes into a basket, a silver object in the corner caught his eye. As he got closer, he realized it was a box cutter.
"What the hell is Olivia doing with a box cutter on her bedroom floor," Elliot thought to himself.
It hit him like a ton of bricks.
"Is this what Olivia used to cut herself?" Elliot was nauseous. Picked up the knife and extended the blade. He noticed there was dried blood on it. He thought he was going to be sick.
"People use these knives to kill, and Olivia was dragging this across her skin."
Elliot found a baggie in Olivia's kitchen to hold the knife. He put it in his pocket. He had to let Cragen and the doctors know what he found.
As Elliot cleaned the living room, he remembered all of the time the two of them had spent on Olivia's couch eating pizza, drinking beer, and watching bad movies. He had been over a lot, especially when he and Kathy were in the middle of the divorce. Sometimes he would stay over and sleep on the couch. Olivia was an amazing listener. She never judged. Even though she was not Kathy's biggest fan, she never said anything negative because Kathy was the mother of Elliot's children. Olivia was like an aunt to Elliot's kids.. Kathleen and Maureen could talk to her about things they couldn't discuss with their own mother. Elliot knew she would never steer them wrong. He couldn't wrap his mind around what had happened. Olivia was a pillar in the lives of so many people. What drove her to this?
The next morning, Elliot returned to the hospital to continue his vigil. He relieved Munch. He could have sworn that Munch had been crying. He never thought he would live to see the day. Munch gathered up his newspaper, and various items and headed to the door. He didn't say anything as he exited the room.
Elliot unpacked the bag he had brought for Olivia into the small closet. It felt strange to be handling Olivia's underwear. However, he was the closest thing she had to family. It would be more awkward if it had been Cragen or Munch rummaging through her unmentionables. He shut the drawers and took a seat on the chair next to her bed. He didn't know how he was going to handle sitting there again all night. His mind was racing with questions that needed to be answered. He didn't know how long he could hold on.
He wondered if Olivia loved him. Did she see him in that way? Would she be willing to give him a chance? He knew that he would have to wait until Olivia was healed to find out.
Melinda came in to check on Olivia. She had some good news.
"Her fever has dropped to 101. It's still technically a fever, but it's an improvement. I think the antibiotics are finally beginning to fight the infection."
"Do you know how long she'll be out?"
"There's no way to tell Elliot. I'll take time. The infection needs to clear out of her system; hopefully within the next few days."
"Melinda, there's something I'd like to show you. I found it in Olivia's apartment."
Elliot took the box cutter out of his pocket.
"This is what she used to injure herself. Her blood is dried on it."
Melinda studied the knife. "I'm not surprised. I could tell by the depth and width of the cuts that she had used a very sharp instrument about this width and weight. I would say if we didn't catch this when we did, she would have eventually committed suicide."
Elliot was silent. He didn't know what to even say.
Casey stopped by later that evening. She brought Olivia a nice vase of flowers as well as a balloon. Casey could not look at Olivia without tears welling up in her eyes.
The stress of the situation was weighing heavily on her. She was distracted at work. She couldn't sleep at night. Elliot noticed the dark circles under her eyes. She blamed herself for not noticing there was a problem sooner. She felt guilty that she could not be at the hospital more because of her job. Elliot told Casey that Olivia had improved slightly. He promised that he would call her as soon as Olivia woke up; day or night.
"Casey, please take care of yourself. Don't make yourself sick.."
"Elliot, I'm trying, but it's not that easy. I just can't get this out of my mind."
"Why don't you take a break for a while; get some air. I'll stay here with Olivia."
Elliot was going to protest, but he thought Casey might want some time alone with Olivia. He knew she had wanted to spend more time at the hospital, but with her job schedule, she couldn't get in often during visiting hours.
"I'll be back in a bit."
Casey sat down in the chair as Elliot closed the hospital room door. She took her hand began to talk to Olivia aloud.
"Olivia, why did you do this? What was so wrong to drive you to this? Why didn't you tell me? Liv, I would have helped you; you know that. I would have done anything! When are you going to wake up? Are you ever going to be okay again? How can I help you?"
Casey had tears streaming down her cheeks. The situation with Olivia was tearing her apart. It reminded her of her own dark nights. Casey was a cutter as a teenager. She still wore her scars. Her situation never became as severe as Olivia's. It was her deepest darkest secret. Something she had never admitted to anyone. She knew Olivia must have been in substantial emotional pain to cut. Was Olivia cutting to punish herself, or just to feel something again? She wondered if this was something Olivia began again recently, or had she been a cutter all of these years? There were so many unanswered questions. She prayed Olivia one day would be able to answer. The waiting was killing her inside.