Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: I'm only borrowing these characters. I'll return them when I'm done!

Chapter 9

Early the next morning around 5 AM, Olivia's eyes opened. She was disoriented. She knew she was in a hospital, but had no recollection of how she had gotten there. She didn't know why she had a tube down her nose. She wanted to know why she was connected to all of these monitors. Why were her legs bandaged? What was going on?

Then her memories came flooding back. She remembered she wasn't feeling well that day at the house. She remembered going to Melinda's office. Why didn't she remember going to the hospital? Her eyes widened. She was mortified.

"Oh my god, they know about the cutting," Olivia thought with her heart racing.

She turned her head, and saw Elliot sound asleep in the chair beside her. She tried to call out to him, but the tube in her throat restricted her speech.

"Elliot," she slurred.

Elliot opened his eyes, and sat up quickly.

"Liv, you're awake," Elliot said excitedly. He stood up from his chair and took her hands in his.

"Liv, we were all worried sick We were afraid you would never wake up."

"What happened to me?"

"Liv, you don't remember?"

"No, the last thing I remember is being in Melinda's office waiting for you to park the car."

"Olivia, you were septic. You had a raging blood infection. You were running a 104 temperature."

Olivia averted Elliot's eyes. She didn't want to look at him. She was afraid that he knew her secret.

"Olivia, what's going on? Why are you cutting yourself?"

She felt his words in the pit of her stomach. Olivia began to cry. She couldn't face this. She couldn't deal with anyone knowing her secret. This was her problem! Why couldn't he leave her alone? She didn't need help!

She went to speak, but no words came out of her mouth. She didn't know what to say. How could she sweep this under the rug? She didn't want anyone involved! She just wanted to go home and resume living her normal life.

"Olivia, I know it's hard, but you need help. You can't face this alone."

"El, I can. I've done it in the past, and I can do it again. I don't need anyone's pity."

"What do you mean you've done it before? How long has this been going on?"

"I started cutting when I was fourteen. I've done it off an on since. Whenever I get to my breaking point with stress, or depression, I cut. I get numb Elliot. Sometimes I don't feel like myself. Sometimes I feel like everything is my fault. So I cut myself, and sometimes it makes me feel better."

"Olivia, why did you let things get so bad? You could have gotten help!"

"Elliot, I don't need help! I'm handling things! It's just my way of coping."

"Your way of coping nearly killed you! Olivia you've been in a coma for three days! Your cutting is out of control!"

Olivia stopped talking. She mentally shut down. She couldn't get the words to form in her mind. She was crying hysterically. Elliot just didn't understand. She could fight her own battles. She had done it all her life. She wasn't about to change now.

Elliot stepped out of the room to calm down. He also wanted to call everyone and tell them that Olivia had woken up. He knew the entire squad was waiting on pins and needles for some good news. When he returned to her room, Melinda was there examining Olivia. She had removed the feeding tube.

"You're doing better Olivia. Your fever has broken. You still need to finish this round of antibiotics."

"When can I go home, Olivia asked.

Melinda sternly stared into Olivia's eyes. "Olivia, you aren't ready to go home. You need to stay here and finish your treatment.

"So what is that, a few more days?"

"Olivia," Melinda said with hesitation in her voice. "You need help dealing with your psychological problems. Olivia you could have died! If the infection didn't kill you, you may have starved to death. Olivia, you are skin and bones. How long have you been battling anorexia?"

Olivia looked out the window as she began to speak.

"I'm not anorexic. I'm not starving myself. It's just that when I get depressed, or stressed, I don't eat. I can't. I guess it goes hand in hand with the cutting."

"You've been feeling this way for a while."

"Yeah, I have," Olivia said. "I can't shake it. I feel like I'm swimming in a sea of sorrow. Nothing in my life is right. I can't escape it." Olivia had tears running down her cheeks again. Melinda knelt down to Hug Olivia.

"Shh, Olivia, don't cry. Whatever is wrong, we'll fix it. You can count on all of us."

Neither Olivia nor Melinda realized that Elliot was in the room. He quietly stepped back into the hall. He knew he should wait for Olivia to talk to him. Melinda came out into the hall, closing the door behind her.

"What's going on Melinda," Elliot asked.

"Well, she's awake. She's in denial about her condition. I don't know if she realizes she can't continue living as she is."

"Did you mention anything about treatment?"

"No, not yet. I thought I'd let Huang handle that. It's his specialty."

Elliot was relieved that Olivia had woken up, but he still felt uneasy about how she would face treatment; especially when she found out the treatment was mandatory. He decided to stay in the waiting room while he waited for Cragen to arrive. He thought Olivia needed some space. He hoped that seeing Casey, Munch, and Fin later in the day would cheer her up. He knew Olivia had a lot of demons to face in the coming days, but he hoped this time she would accept a little help from her friends.