Olivia's Dark Nights
Disclaimer: I only borrowed the characters. I'll return them in the same condition I received them in.
Author's Note: Thanks for all the reviews! They really keep me going! Any suggestions please let me know.
Chapter 10
Olivia was relieved to see Casey later that afternoon. She really needed to talk to someone. Talking to Casey was different then talking to Elliot. Casey was more understanding. She didn't try to force Olivia to always see things her way. It was just different talking to another woman.
"Olivia, you gave us all the scare of our lives," Casey said with tears rolling down her cheeks.
She had never seen Casey so emotional. Casey, like Olivia bottled up a lot of her emotions.
"Relax Casey. Don't worry; I'm fine now."
"Olivia, you almost died! You aren't fine! Stop lying to yourself! We all know the truth! Why are you cutting yourself?"
Casey, it's complicated. You wouldn't understand."
"Like hell I wouldn't Liv!"
Casey took off her black fleece jacket, and rolled her shirt sleeve all the way up. Olivia could see dozens of fine white scars all the way from just above Casey's elbow up to her shoulder.
"Liv, there's more! Look!"
Casey lifted her shirt to expose her stomach. Along her left side, Olivia spotted the same white scars lined up from her hip to her bra. Olivia didn't know what to say.
"Case, I had no idea. I never thought you would…" Olivia broke off in the middle of her sentence.
"Olivia, of all people, I understand! I was a cutter for a long time. You're the only person, besides my therapist that knows. From the time I was twelve up until after I graduated from law school. I did it everyday for a long time. I used to burn myself with cigarettes too"
"What made you stop?"
"I don't know really. I decided one day that I had enough. It wasn't getting me anywhere. I would cut and cut, but then the next day I would feel just as horrible again. My body was covered with scars. Finally I broke down and got help. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It took a few years to completely stop. I'll admit it, on my worst days, I still have the urge to cut, but I've been able to stop myself. I still see a therapist twice a month.'
"Casey, why didn't you ever tell me?"
"Probably for the same reason you never told me. It's not exactly something you scream from the roof tops."
"I hate that everyone knows now. I feel naked, like my entire life has been exposed."
"Liv, it's a hard pill to swallow; but it's done now. You can only get better from here."
Olivia sat back in her bed.
"Olivia, what else is going on? Tell me the truth. Are you anorexic?"
"No, I'm not. I…just can't eat when I feel like this. I can go weeks just living on water alone when I'm depressed or stressed out."
"Liv, you lost a lot of weight. You can't continue like this. You have to get help now, before it's too late. You have to promise me."
"Casey I promise I'll get well."
After everything that happened that day, Olivia felt completely numb. She was horrified that everyone knew her secret. She just wasn't ready for this. She felt so uncomfortable around everyone. She hated the fact that she would now be treated like a china doll. Casey, Elliot, Cragen, Fin, Melinda, George and Munch were like family to her, but now she felt awkward around them. She wanted to pretend she was sleeping when they came by to visit. She was especially dreading Cragen's visit. She just wanted to deal with her situation in her own way, at her own pace. She knew deep down that it just wasn't going to happen that way.
The next morning, Cragen stopped by to visit. As he appeared in her hospital room, a feeling of dread formed in the pit of her stomach. She didn't know what to expect.
"Liv, how are you doing?"
"Not bad," Olivia lied. The tension in the room was so thick she could have cut it with a knife.
"Olivia, I just wanted to tell you I'm be here for you; anything you need day or night. Don't worry about your job. It'll be waiting for you when you are ready. Take all of time you need."
Olivia wanted to say that she would be back soon, but she wasn't sure if that was the truth. She felt like there were secrets being kept from her. It was like her friends knew more about her fate then she did.
"Olivia, there is something we need to discuss. Huang believes you need to be admitted to an in-patient facility. He thinks…."
"A what," Olivia interrupted? "A looney bin? Hell no!"
"Liv, it's for your own good. You need the help. More help then just seeing a shrink once a week can offer."
"Captain, I'm not going. I refuse. I can take care of myself."
"Olivia, in this case, you can't take care of yourself. You don't have a choice in the matter."
"What do you mean I don't have a choice? You can't force me!"
"Olivia, I can, and I will. If you don't comply, we'll be forced to get a court order. Don't make me do that."
Olivia felt defeated. She knew she was not going to a mental hospital. They could drag her kicking and screaming. She would not cooperate. For now though, she would pretend to be compliant.
"When do I have to go," Olivia asked.
"You still have another day of antibiotics left. After that, Huang will draw up the papers. It's not a bad place Liv. Elliot and I checked it out ourselves. It's a private hospital in Westchester. We'll drive you up ourselves."
Olivia stopped listening and stared out the window. She was humoring Cragen. She was not going to that hospital. Somehow, she was going to make an escape.