As always, thank you all for your awesomeness! Welcome to all the newbies!
Chapter 10- Final Goodbyes.
Leaving the meeting with Johnny and his partner, Sam let out a relieved breath.
The partner was more like a bored housewife from suburbia, so they were still alive and breathing, and the deal had gone through.
But that didn't mean that they were safe or okay.
It merely meant that they were making headway.
They had bumped the dealer from the second club now, so word would spread that they meant business and that would draw more attention to them. But that was what they wanted.
They were using smoke and mirrors to draw the people they wanted out, and when that happened all hell was going to break loose.
Sam called Callaghan on the way home and told him that things had been kicked up a notch before hanging up and getting comfortable in the passenger seat while Gail drove them home.
She loved driving this car.
It was a convertible BMW Z4, in silver, all part of the flash the cash image they had to project. Callaghan had given it to Sam and gotten Gail a blue Yaris that she hated with a passion. She wanted something with power and oomf too.
She claimed her car was a 'girly, granny' car.
Gail was used to driving the squad cars so Sam had no problems letting her drive this car, he knew that she could handle it. He'd just love to see her face if she knew what he was hiding in his mothers garage. She would flip and definitely beg to take that vehicle for a drive.
When they pulled up at home, the neighbors were also just returning home, so they waived, Sam ignoring them completely as he moved to unlock the front door and stepped inside. He really didn't care if they thought that he was rude.
He wasn't here to become friends with the neighbors.
Gail waved and smiled before following in Sam's footsteps and hearing his bedroom door slam.
Following a shower Gail hit the lounge with hot chocolate and a blanket to watch some TV. Appearances were everything to keep their cover intact but she was having a hard time laying off the bottle, so she gave up sleeping instead. If she was tired then she'd look like she spent the night partying so it would still do. Being a natural blonde with pail skin, her eyes easily became bloodshot. And the dark rims under her eyes settled in after the first run of two hours sleep.
Spying her own phone, Gail reached for it and sent Traci a quick text telling him that she missed her and that she was okay. She added some lines telling her to tell Andy that she said hello, and then she asked how Nick was before hitting the send button.
That was a bad idea, and one she couldn't take back.
...
Andy woke up shivering. She was frozen.
And she was hungover.
Opening her eyes when her alarm went off, Andy found the dreary grey skies leering at her through her open curtains.
Feeling her jeans with her hand she found that they were wet at the back and the bottom, a flash of images coming to mind that made her stomach lurch.
The Penny.
Sam's new girlfriend.
The whiskey.
The cemetery.
Gail.
Sitting on her ass in the snow.
Throwing back the covers Andy got out of bed and headed for the bathroom turning it into a steam room when she let the hot water run and heat the room.
Andy changed her wet bed linen and had coffee after her shower. After that she was out of time so she left for shift not at all surprised when she found Nick waiting outside for her when she came downstairs.
...
Sam didn't even bother trying to sleep, he knew that his mind wouldn't allow it.
He was on a major guilt trip and accepted it freely because it was his punishment for doing what he had done.
All the things that had gone wrong from the start had been his own fault, the only thing that he could hang over Andy's head was the fact that she had walked away from them when he had asked for a chance to fix it. But he couldn't hold it against her, she had done the right thing and he was too late anyway. But he would never forgive himself for making her believe that he moved on, or that he died while she was under.
He knew that she was safe at home, Gail would have made sure of that so he wasn't really worried about if she was okay that way right now.
Her words kept haunting through his mind 'I hate him'. Those were the worst words he could have ever heard come from her lips. She could have told him that she didn't love him anymore, or that she slept with someone else, that wouldn't have hurt as much.
But hearing that what she felt had been replaced by hatred when she didn't have a hateful bone in her body, that just killed the last alive piece of his heart.
...
"You okay?" Traci asked as she slipped into a chair next to Andy in parade.
"Yeah, rough night" Andy said trying to cover up exactly how rough it had been.
"Gail says hi" Traci said drawing a smile from Andy. She could say what she wanted too, but she knew that Gail missed Andy too.
"He actually wants volunteers" Dov said when he sat down behind Andy. "That's the first I've heard you can apply, usually he picks who he wants" Dov added when Nick sat down.
"Who and what are you talking about?" Traci asked turning a little to the back to see them.
"Callaghan. He's got a new task force starting" Dov said enthralled in excitement. He was quite obviously planning on applying.
Twenty minutes later when Noelle wrapped parade up because Frank was busy, Andy bolted from the room with one destination in mind.
Luke hadn't been at parade, but his car was in the lot so he was here.
And she found him hovering over an open file on his desk, engrossed by its contents.
"Hi" she stammered as she made her way closer and gained his attention.
"Hey, you okay?".
"Um, yeah, rough night. So working on anything?"
Luke let out a dry chuckle. He knew they'd be having this conversation at some point when she heard.
"I want it" Andy added before he said anything to answer her first question.
"Andy..."
"No Luke, I did Dakota and I want this".
Luke guessed that coping with life was driving her to want to leave, to look for an escape.
"Andy, no. I'm sorry. This one isn't like Dakota, this is long term and more dangerous. This one isn't for a woman..."
Andy crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes. He had better not hope that pulling the chauvinistic card would actually work on her.
"Andy I need a guy for this okay, sending a woman in is asking for trouble. Cruz applied and I turned her down too".
Andy froze when Luke said that name.
How had she missed it?
That was Sam's new girlfriend wasn't it. The one that was never partnered with her, the one that always watched her whenever she was in the room. The woman that avoided her at all costs, or was shielded away from her by others.
Now Andy wanted the spot even more.
After pulling herself together after letting her mind wonder Andy pulled the only card she had left to use as leverage.
"You owe me Luke".
Luke looked away, he knew what she was doing and what she was using as the reason behind that.
Sam.
"Andy, I know it's hard, and I'm sorry. But no, you can't have in".
"Luke, if you had been there when you were supposed to be, I wouldn't want to do this now. But you weren't and I need this so badly, I need to leave and never come home. I need to be somewhere else, be someone else, because I can't be me anymore".
Luke closed his eyes and took a shallow breath.
She was right, maybe if she did this she'd see that she was better off as herself, and that compared to where she wanted to go, life was awesome where she was.
"Okay, six weeks, that's all I'm giving you. After that, we'll relook at it and I'll decide if you stay".
Andy smiled, it was one of very few happy moments she had experienced recently.
"When?" She asked knowing that her life could rapidly from here on out.
"Tomorrow night at eight. I'll pick you up. And pack light".
Andy left Luke's office thankful for the time he had given her to say her goodbyes.
Andy's shift grazed by, a day spent wearing a real smile.
She was partnered with Oliver so she had time to say her own goodbye to him. He had really proven himself over recent weeks as a closer friend than she would ever have imagined.
After shift she grabbed Traci and dragged her and Leo out to their favorite pizza place for dinner.
When they were done and Traci dropped her off at home, she gave them both a really long hug goodbye. They were off tomorrow anyway so she wouldn't see them again.
Once inside Andy called her dad and arranged breakfast with him for nine am, so that she could say bye to him too. That would be hard, but this time she would leave with having spent some time with him first.
When the sun rose, Andy went for a run and then went home and showered. She met her dad at a diner close to her condo, and they enjoyed a good breakfast and a long talk.
Somehow he knew what was going to happen, and he even wished her luck when he hugged her goodbye.
With one last goodbye to say, Andy made her way home with a heavy heart.
The grass was crisp in death where snow patches had melted, as soft footsteps made their way over the scarce greenery that rested in a place so silent that only birds and crickets dared to disturb the tranquility. There was no rustle of a trees leaves overhead, but in the quiet it was imagined. Only the soft sound of the footsteps were audible to those that listened.
No matter how many times that this trip was made, it never felt any different, never changed.
It was a regular journey taken, one made to pay respects over birthdays, and perhaps christmas as it neared. But mostly this rememberance was made as a way to accept the truth.
But, even after months it still wasn't making any sense. And it never got easier.
The sadness that came with doing this was also something that never went away, in fact that feeling loomed overhead on happy days, work day, off days, basically just everyday.
But this wasn't done to inflict self-punishment or some other kind of morbid feeling, it was done to share, done to say sorry and mostly done because it was driven so fiercely by a need to be here that it couldn't be avoided.
The footfalls stopped when they came to the desired headstone, sad eyes tearing up as one knee met the ground still littered under soft snow and a hand extended to lay one single rose on the grass that ran around the edge of the stone where it met the earth.
The hand retracted, it's movements still shaky as it was every time that the same action was repeated. It was something that would probably never go away, not even over years and years.
"I still miss you" the words were whispered out on a pained note, pure emotion embedded so deeply in those few words that they even hurt to say. The guilt over last nights actions were there too, regret running alongside it so thickly it would probably be visible to the naked eye.
It still felt like it was yesterday that the headstone had been a real person, a warm smile, deep dark eyes. Now this was all that remained, all that was left.
A hole had replaced the once warm organ that was filled with love, it was merely a rotting orb of emptiness now that the numbness had subsided. But that tended to happen when you had your heart ripped out and shredded in a way that no-one should ever have to endure.
"I'm going away for a while".
This time the voice drew out a little softer, the person saying the words not really wanting to admit that it would be a while before they paid another visit. The first christmas like this would be missed.
But it was what was going to happen, how things were going to be for a while because it was a choice made.
"But I'll come visit when I can..." The words started out as a sentence, then failed and trailed off into a soft whimper as eyes misted over and one single tear streaked its way down a warm cheek.
Strange how that worked- tears felt warmer than skin in the coldness of winter even though they were induced by a feeling so cold it made you feel dead inside.
A hand brushed away the tear, the wetness not even felt as it met the skin of the hand that splattered it into nothingness.
Sinking the other knee down so that both were on the snow, a sudden silence encased the warm body as the sun baked down and a light breeze whispered its touch against the bare skin of a sad face.
There was no rush to leave, nowhere else to be right now.
Why was it always so hard to say goodbye?
Why did it feel like it had to be done in no haste, that a measurable amount of time should be spent here, like this?
By the time the last of the meager afternoon sun began disappearing, it was time for the final goodbye.
Andy stood up and brushed the few pieces of dirt that clung to her jeans off before taking a long breath and looking at the tombstone one last time before making the goodbye official.
"See you 'round Sam".
Her hand brushed gently over the name chiseled into the stone like her fingertips were memorizing them, before she stepped back and began walking away as a fresh wave of emotion broke free and the tears that she had been holding back finally spilled.
She didn't need to remember the name, it was one she would never forget.
Sam Swarek.
*****thanks for reading! Let me know if you're still here!
Have an awesome day!
Jelly Bean Jenna©