Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: I only borrowed the characters. I'll return them in the same condition I received them in.

Author's Note 1: Let's all send some prayers and good thoughts to Mariska Hargitay for good health.

Author's Note 2: Is anyone still reading this? I haven't received many reviews on the last few chapters. If no one reviews, I'm going to end the story.

Chapter 12

Three days had passed since Olivia had arrived in Cape May. She had not left her room since. She spent most of her time laying in bed staring through the glass doors toward the ocean. She felt dead, as if she could never feel anything again. She also was drinking a lot more. She had gone through two bottles of vodka. Normally, two bottles of vodka would last Olivia over two years. She knew she shouldn't be drinking so much, but she couldn't help herself. The alcohol kept her numb. Without it, she would actually have to deal with her emotions. She was not prepared to do that now. She preferred to be drunk, and blissfully unaware of what was going on in her own mind.

Olivia was a mess. She was either drunk, and floating free from reality, or she was sober and so depressed she could do nothing but cry and cut her own flesh. She hadn't showered or eaten in days. She felt trapped. She couldn't stop herself. She couldn't face her friends now that they knew her secret. She felt exposed as if she were naked. How could she fix this? There was no way to turn back the clock. Why did everyone think cutting was so terrible? Didn't they understand that was all Olivia had to fill the void in her life? That it was the only way she could punish herself for creating her own miserable existence? It was the one thing in her life that Olivia was in control of.

"Captain, we can't find any information. She disappeared without a trace. She really covered her tracks."

Cragen was frustrated. He knew Olivia needed help. He couldn't figure out a way to find her. He didn't know where to start. Her last recorded step was withdrawing money from her bank account. The bank teller was the last person to see her. Her car had been taken from the garage, but she used self service so there was no attendant to verify she had been there. Olivia's name didn't appear on any passenger manifest leaving New York area airports. It was unclear if she was still in the city, or if she had gone further away. Olivia was using cash so there was no chance of tracking her movements through her credit cards. No one knew where to look, or who to check with. Olivia had no family, and her only friends were all right there in that room.

"I don't understand how she could have fallen off the face of the earth," Fin said. "She's out there somewhere, and she's in trouble. There has to be a way to track her down."

"She isn't a criminal, so we can't put out an APB. She isn't a minor so an amber alert is out of the question," Cragen said.

"But she is mentally ill and a threat to herself. Doesn't that count for something," Casey asked.

Everyone sat around in the squad room thinking of where Olivia could have gone to hide. Elliot ran a check on her ez-pass account, and came up with nothing. He knew that Olivia was smart enough not to use the tags. She was too much of a cop.

"Did anything come up in her apartment," Munch asked.

"Nothing. Not even a vacation brochure. Olivia is so organized that she actually shreds old bills and throws out her junk mail. There were no letters or cards or anything else to go by. Her computer was clean too," Elliot responded.

"Has she ever mentioned a vacation house or talked about a trip she'd like to take," Casey asked Elliot.

"She had been to the Bahamas on the rare occasion that she took a vacation. If she was away on an island somewhere, her name would have shown up."

"Why don't we go back to her apartment? There has to be something there that will point us in the right direction."

Olivia was disgusted. She had to get herself together. She didn't want to spend another night in her room alone. She got cleaned up and went for a walk on the beach. It was February, and still cold outside. She pulled the collar on her coat all the way up. The wind was biting at her face. She was freezing, but felt strangely relieved to be feeling anything at all. The town was desolate. There were few cars on the streets, and even fewer people. Most of the stores and restaurants were closed. This place was much like her own existence; quiet, empty and void of excitement.

Olivia noticed a bar down the street that was open. The one thing she liked about bars was the anonyminity. A person could drink at a bar night after night, and sit and silence; only speaking a few words to the bartender to place their order. She sat down on a stool in the far right corner. The bar was empty, except for one other couple sitting in a booth.

"Manhattan, straight up," Olivia said to the bartender.

She watched the couple on the other side of the room. They made her think of Elliot and herself. She loved Elliot. She had for a long time. He was the only man she had ever truly let into her life. She felt completely at ease with him. Ever since his divorce from Kathy, she had waited for him to make a move. She was still waiting. It was killing her. Olivia felt so alone. She remembered a few weeks ago looking at her myspace. All of her friends she had grown up with were all happily married. Most of them had kids. She was the only one left who was single. This wasn't the life she imagined for herself. She had thrown herself into her job for so long that she neglected everything else. Now she was paying the price.

Olivia had more then a few drinks that night. She was caught somewhere between drunk and sober. She felt a pleasant buzz. She noticed the man sitting beside her had been staring at her. He was good looking. He had dark hair and blue eyes like Elliot. She turned her head and smiled at him.

"I noticed you've been staring at me," Olivia said.

"I couldn't help myself. You're a beautiful woman. My name's Andrew. What's yours?"

"I'm Olivia. What brings you down here this time of year?"

"I'm traveling through on business. I sold some software to the municipal government. I'm heading out to Virginia tomorrow. So what are you doing here this time of year? It's not exactly beach season yet."

Olivia thought as quickly as her boozy mind would allow. "Oh, me? I'm just in town for a few days visiting my elderly aunt."

The liquor took the edge off of Olivia's nerves. She was feeling very comfortable with Andrew. They moved into a nearby booth and spent the rest of the evening talking over a few more drinks. Before they knew it, it was last call.

"Why don't I give you a ride home Olivia?"

"No, it's okay. I'm staying only a few blocks away."

"Well, in that case I'll walk you home."

Olivia agreed. Andrew helped her with her coat and the pair set out walking back to Olivia's rental. When they reached her door, Andrew kissed her goodnight, and turned to go back down the stairs.

"Andrew, why don't you come in for a while."

He hesitated. "Are you sure?"

I'm sure. Come on."

Olivia and Andrew sat on the couch. Olivia knew she was drunk, but she didn't care. She wanted to live for once. She wanted to be free. She leaned in and began kissing Andrew. He looked to her for approval.

"Come on, I know you want this," Olivia said breathlessly.

Things progressed quickly. Before she knew it, Olivia was pulling Andrew's boxer shorts down over his hips. She knew he would like what she was about to offer. Within minutes, Andrew was moaning in pleasure.

Olivia didn't remember how they got into her bed. She must have zoned out. Andrew was on top of her, and she was about to have a mind blowing orgasm. Olivia let go as the waves of pleasure rolled through her body. She couldn't remember the last time she felt so alive.

When Olivia woke up the next morning, Andrew was gone. She thought she may have dreamed the night before until she realized she was naked in bed. She instantly felt pangs of depression. She couldn't believe that she just had a one night stand. The sex was amazing, but now she felt like a slut.

"I can't believe I demeaned myself like that. What was I thinking? I invited a stranger into my bed. I didn't know him! He could have killed me!"

Olivia began crying again. She felt worse then ever. She didn't know to fix herself this time. She was going deeper and deeper into the point of no return. She had to talk to someone. Her hands were shaking as she reached into her night stand to grab the prepaid cell phone she had bought a few days before. She dialed Casey's number. She couldn't face Elliot right now.

"Hello?"

"Casey, its me…"

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