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Chapter 3. Anger
Peeta: My Soul felt hollow and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I just couldn't believe that Katniss chose Gale. Katniss has done some pretty bad things in the past but I always forgave her. It's just I don't think I can forgive her this time. I'm consumed with mixed emotions. I'm angry because the women I loved had betrayed me. She cheated on me. I don't understand why she would do this to me. I gave her everything I could possibly give. I tried to make her and her family happy, I tolerated Gale even though I didn't like him, I tried to make an effort to help him when he was recovering and I made bread and delicious pastries for her family so they wouldn't starve.
I slam the front door shut and ran away from Katniss' house in victor's village, to my house. I can't deal with all these emotions that were coursing through me. I stumble into the kitchen and rip open a random cupboard. I find a plate within and throw it across the room without a second thought, a cry of pain slipping from my chest, along with it. I take comfort in its shattering so I start grabbing more at random and throwing them on the ground. I sink to my knees as the news settles in. Heavy sobs suffocate me as they spill from my body as freely as the tears cascading down my cheeks. I just want to escape. Escape from the world that is crashing down on me. Escape from the knowledge that Katniss was with Gale. But most of all away from how much I loved Katniss and that it hurt so much it felt more like hate. Just the thought makes my shoulders feel heavy with misery and grief. I don't want to deal with life right now so I grab a bottle of white liquor from the refrigerator and quickly force down some large gulps. The liquor burns on the way down and warms me to the core, almost too warm to be comfortable but is helping me growing numb.
I trudge over to the couch and crash, setting my bottle on the floor near my head. I close my eyes and smirk as the liquor works its way through my mind. Normally I avoid alcohol especially strong alcohol like white liquor but I just relax and welcome it with arms spread wide. It's a relief when I can no longer feel anything. I can tell the liquor is working because I feel myself start to go completely numb and my mind starts to slip away. Before I slip away the last thought in my head is her name.
The first moment I shared with Katniss was when I threw Katniss a loaf of bread. We were probably around eleven years old when it happened. It was around the time of the mine explosion that killed her father. Without her father she had to care for her family on her own at such a young age. As a kid she lived in the seam, the poorest part of district 12, where the people struggle to survive every day as they live in poverty. It was extremely hard to find food in the seam. The Seam is located on the border of District 12, next to the wild forests. Seam residents are known to have dark hair, grey eyes, and an olive complexion like Katniss and her father. I have seen people in district 12 especially people from the seam, do whatever they can to keep their families alive including Katniss' dad and Katniss. As a child I lived the opposite of her life. When I was a kid I lived in the merchant area, the wealthier part of district 12. I got a privileged life of being a baker's son so we didn't go hungry. In other words it means my family and I consistently ate bread and pastries. Most merchant residents typically have blonde hair and blue eyes like Peeta and Katniss' mom given her heritage. The merchant section did exactly what its name implied - trading and buying goods. They made some trades all over Panem with the districts coal mines, the Capitol and occasionally to the other districts.
Dream: Memories invade my mind of the girl from the seam. She had beautiful brown hair that she put in a side braid, a very thin frame, and sparkling grey eyes that popped out of her gaunt face, caused by starvation. She was curled up by the bakery's trash can without anything to shield her from the rain. It had been a long day at the bakery, it was around spring and people weren't buying as much bread because we had to raise the prices. My family was constantly working to try to afford more flour and other supplies to keep the business going so there was no room for mistakes. I lugged around bags of flour and rolled dough with constant shouts from my parents in another room. As soon as the sun disappeared behind the horizon it started to downpour.
I looked out the window and a girl digging through the trash caught my eye. I couldn't help but notice how drenched she was while I was in a house feeling content and warm. I watched the girl from the seam for a while. When she came closer to my house I looked away. Then I heard yelling from the front the shop with a harsh voice that belonged to my mother. "Get out of our trash you seam rat!" I quickly turned in disbelief and saw the emaciated girl hide back her tears as mom screamed at her. At first she hesitates not wanting to move but eventually she does. In her last attempts at life she sneaks off but when mom stops looking she comes back without her noticing. By one look at her you could tell she was dying. I observed her she looks up and our eyes meet. Then she looks away and she buries her face into her hands again. That's when I remember who she was. The girl from the seam was Katniss Everdeen. Her dad had recently died in a mining accident and things have never been the same for her and her family. Her mom went into a deep depression and left her to fend for herself while taking care of her little sister Prim. She seems sad, like a part of her was taken away. The part where her dad had been is now missing and I for one feel bad for her. I know she was really close with her dad. If I didn't have my dad around my mom would ruin my life.
I've seen her sister in school before. She seems sweet but she's always quiet but maybe it's a mask to keep her sister from worrying. When I first laid my eyes on Katniss it was the first day of school. My dad pointed out a girl with brown hair that was put into two braids and grey eyes. He told me he loved her mom when he was younger but she fell for a coal miner who lived in the seam. Then the second time I saw her we were in music class. The teacher asked who knows the valley song and her hand shot straight up. When she sang her voice was so beautiful even the birds stopped to listen, like her father. She was definitely her father's daughter. I've been keeping up with the girl from the seam.
Suddenly, I was imagining life without her. The want, the need, to help this girl had overpowered me. Before I realized what I was doing I pulled the two loaves of bread that had been cooking for a while, deeper into the flames. I pulled it out until it was burnt enough not to sell. I could hear my mother's frustration as she walked in from yelling at the poor seam girl. "PEETA! How could you burn this bread? Do you know how much this bread costs?" she screamed in my ear. Her hand slammed against my head and I was taken off balance. Pain took over my body as I fell onto the tiled floor of the bakery. In fright I covered my face but thankfully she didn't hit again.
"You will have to go through me if you want to lay another finger on my son" dad shouts from the other side of the bakery. Apparently he saw mom hit me across the head. She gives an irritable sigh. "Give it to the pig but you will have no diner tonight!" I move my big muscular legs so I could stand up. As I get up I instantly look down so I don't have to meet her cold, icy glare.
When I walk outside I saw Katniss curled up in a ball by a trash can with a defeated look on her face. I take a quick look inside to make sure 'the witch' wasn't looking. Luckily she wasn't so I threw both loafs of bread toward the seam girl. She looks up and stares at the bread hungrily. Then she looks up at me. Her gorgeous grey eyes were glistening with tears that she was trying to hold back or maybe it was it the rain. "Peeta!" Hurry up!" Mother calls with impatience. I look down at the porch floor and started to walk back into the shop. I took one last look over my shoulder to see if she had taken the bread. The girl crawls toward the buns, quickly snatches them up and runs away hiding the buns in her jacket.
The third time that I've ever seen her is when she glanced at me the day later, at school. She looked up with longing eyes that was no longer filled with tears but with hope. I opened my mouth about to say something, but nothing came out. She glanced at me for a second but then looked down. She was looking down at a fluffy flower which I think is a dandelion. I remember how beautiful she looked with the wind blowing through her hair. She slowly bent down and picks it. She looks at it was such spirit and for the first time that I've seen, a small smile appears on her face. She then left to go home with Prim's hand entwined with one of hers and the dandelion in the other.
But in all that time she never realized I stopped my gaze. Even though we were only eleven I have loved Katniss Everdeen ever since. Every time I was near her I would feel my heart rate speed up and my hands would get clamy. That day when I got home I had high hopes that I was going to marry her. Then later that day I made sugar cookies and frosted dandelions on them. I was going to give them to her the next day but I couldn't get enough nerve to do it. My brothers kept bugging me about it and I could never find a time when she was alone. Eventually I found a time when she was alone. It was the end of another day of school and she was waiting for Prim to go home. I tried but when I got a couple feet away my heart started thumping loudly and I felt like I was going to puke. I ended up wimping out and running home.
"Peeta Wake UP!" a male voice shouts just before I feel cold water being dumped on my head. I don't want to wake up from my dream and deal with life just yet. My dream of Katniss is already starting to slip away from me. "Five more minutes" I grumble groggily. "Peeta you have to face the world at some point. So why don't you just get your butt off this darn couch, get out there and face it the fact that Katniss doesn't love you" Haymitch says before taking a swig of the bottle of white liquor I let beside me. "Leave me alone" I whine. "Listen bread boy if you don't get out of this funk of being sorry for yourself, you'll have to deal with me" he says in a frustrated tone. "GET OUT OF HERE! I said LEAVE ME ALONE!" I snap as I get up to glare up at him. "Did you have to drink yourself drunk and go into that temporary coma?" He yelled. But I could sense there was a hint of amusement behind his frown. "Why are you asking me such a question when you're the one who usually drinks until you're unconscious?" I say snatching back my bottle. "Because I care about you. I don't want you to have to the life I have. Half my life I've sat around drinking away my sorrows and problems. Being drunk helps me accept everything as it is. It helps me escape from things I probably should have taken head on". "I thought you liked being drunk?" I said taken aback at his words. "Drinking made me the man who I am today and the life I have. Look at me. I'm worn out, I have no family, and the women I loved is gone. I have nothing left. So before I go I want to ask you one more question. Is this the kind of life you want to live? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?" He then leaves my house without another word. Even after he left, his words lingered in my head giving me something to take in and think about for a long time.
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