Olivia's Dark Nights
Disclaimer: The characters are only on temporary loan. They will be returned to their rightful owner.
Chapter 15
Olivia dreamt that she was falling further and further into darkness. There was blackness all around her. There was nothing to grab onto. She was falling into oblivion. She woke up screaming and digging her nails into the mattress. Her heart was racing and her skin was clammy. She was disoriented. It took her a moment to realize where she was.
"Liv, you okay," Casey asked as she quickly dropped the newspaper she was reading.
Olivia looked around the room. She realized everything was fine.
"Yeah…it was only a dream."
Casey was silent as she stared at Olivia. There was so much to say, yet she could say nothing at all.
Olivia noticed Casey looked ill; as if she had not eaten or slept in days. Her normally perfectly straightened hair was pulled back into a messy pony tail. She had dark circles under her eyes. A pang of guilt washed over her as she realized that it was her fault that Casey was in that condition. Casey was so worried about her that she neglected her own health. Olivia felt horrible for being so selfish. She regretted so much from the past few days. She wished with all of her being that she could take it all back. She wasn't just ruining her life, now she was ruining her friend's lives too.
"How are you feeling," Casey asked Olivia.
"Warmer," Olivia replied quietly.
Casey was tired of waiting for answers. She took the opportunity to speak up.
"Olivia, what happened? Why did you do this?"
"Case, I don't know. I snapped. I don't know what came over me. I was delusional. I thought by running away, I could escape all of the things that were haunting me. I was so embarrassed that everyone knew my secret. I was angry. I thought I was going to be locked up in a mental hospital. I didn't think I needed any help. I felt so vulnerable; like I was standing naked for the world to see. At the time it all made sense. Casey, I really snapped. I thought I was okay, and everyone was out to get me. All of the things I did seemed okay at the time. My judgment was completely gone."
Tears welled up in Olivia's eyes.
"Casey I'm so ashamed. I can't believe what I've done."
"Liv, whatever it is, just tell me. I promise it won't leave this room."
"Casey I was so drunk. All I did for the past week was drink. Drink and cut myself. I got so lonely. I didn't want to stay in by myself anymore. So I went out and found a bar that was open."
"Okay," Casey said watching Olivia closely.
"I just kept drinking. I was so drunk I didn't really know what I was doing. I talked to a few guys. Then, the next thing I knew I was bringing them home. Casey I had sex with two strangers. I don't even remember the second guy."
"Did you use protection," Casey asked.
"No, I didn't use anything"
Olivia was crying so hard that she couldn't speak. Olivia leaned in and hugged her.
"Shh, Liv, you have to calm down."
"Casey I can't. I feel so dirty."
"Liv, just get tested.. It'll put your mind to rest. They can do it before you are discharged."
Olivia knew Casey was right, but she felt guilty about even having to ask for the test. She never thought she'd find herself in this situation again. This happened to her once before in college after getting too drunk at a party. She never thought at this stage in her life she would have to face that again. It was humiliating. The urge to cut again was uncontrollable. She hated herself. She was her own worst enemy.
Casey and Olivia sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes.
"Olivia, are you going to get help this time? I don't think I could survive another round of this," Casey said seriously.
Olivia gazed out the window for a few moments before turning to Casey to answer.
"I've accepted it this time. As much as I hate to admit it, there is something seriously wrong with me that I can't fix on my own. I can't go on pretending I'm happy while I'm falling apart inside. Casey I don't even care about myself, I just can't do it to the people I love."
Casey felt relieved that Olivia admitted to a problem.
"Liv, I'm so relieved. I'll admit that if you weren't willing to seek treatment, I would have gotten the order myself to commit you. You scared the shit out of me when you disappeared. I had visions of you lying dead on some street corner! I thought I would never see you again. Elliot was devastated. I swear he didn't leave the office all week. He was calling your name when he was asleep in the cribs."
Olivia's guilt continued to escalate. Her absence took such a toll on everyone. Why didn't she realize what she was doing to the people she loved? She resolved that she would get help so this wouldn't happen again.
"The doctor said that he would release you tomorrow. Elliot's going to drive you up to the hospital in Westchester in the morning."
"Elliot's here," Olivia asked.
"Yeah, he should be here in a little while. He got a room. He needed to get some sleep and a shower."
"Casey you're not staying?"
"I'm sorry Liv, I can't. I have court first thing in the morning."
"First thing in the morning? Casey it's already two AM!
"Yeah I know. That's why I have to get going. I'll get home around 5, then I'll get cleaned up, and head out. I'm sorry I can't stay tonight. My boss will have my ass if I don't show up tomorrow. I'll stop by to see you tomorrow night though."
"Casey, are you going to be okay driving all the way back to New York at this time of night?"
"I'll be fine Liv. I'm wide awake."
"Promise me you'll call when you arrive."
Casey smiled as she stood up from the chair. She leaned in to hug Olivia goodbye. As Casey stretched to pull her sweater on, Olivia noticed some familiar red slits on Casey's upper arm. She didn't know how to react. Should she say something to Casey? She caught Olivia staring at her, and quickly looked away. Nervously, she put on her coat, and grabbed her bag. Before anything else could be said, Casey opened the door, and said she would see Olivia later that night.
As Olivia laid in the darkness of her hospital room, she wondered if all the drama she stirred caused Casey to cut again, or did Casey lie to her and never stop cutting at all? Casey was the last person in the world Olivia would expect to be a cutter. But, then again Olivia thought people thought the same of herself. She felt guilty that she wasn't there enough for Casey when she needed help.
Elliot arrived at the hospital early the next morning. He had already picked up her things from her hotel room. He wanted to be sure that Olivia made it to Westchester this time. He waited nervously for Olivia to finish getting dressed. He needed to talk to her today. He was going to tell her how he felt. He didn't want to waste another minute. He hoped Olivia would be on the same page with him.
There was a comfortable silence in the car as they headed north on the parkway. Elliot suggested they stop for breakfast. He knew of a good diner in the area that his family used to stop at on their way home from Wildwood. For the first time in weeks, Olivia was hungry. Pancakes sounded pretty good to her. They arrived at Pop's diner and sat in a booth in the corner. Olivia was dying for a good cup of coffee. She hadn't had a decent cup of weeks.
"Hungry man special," Elliot said to the waitress.
"I'll have the large banana nut pancakes," Olivia said.
Elliot was happy to see Olivia order real food. It seemed like she hardly ate these days. She was so thin that she could stand to eat a few large orders of pancakes.
Olivia noticed Elliot was fidgeting in his seat. She knew something was on his mind.
"Elliot is there something wrong?"
Elliot smiled, and looked down. "Nothing wrong really. I just wanted to talk to you about something."
"Okay," she said waiting for him to talk.
Elliot knew it was now or never. This was his chance; he didn't want to blow it.
"Olivia, I love you."
Olivia didn't believe her ears. "What did he just say," she thought to herself.
"Liv, I mean it. I really love you. I have for so long, and I was too scared to admit it. I wanted to tell you after the divorce, but I couldn't find the words. I was afraid you'd reject me."
Olivia was speechless. She didn't know what to say. She had a feeling for years that he felt that way, but she didn't think he'd ever make a move. She loved him too. They were partners, and best friends. She didn't think she could hope for more. She had been waiting for this day for years. Olivia was so happy she thought she was floating.
"Elliot, are you sure you aren't just saying this because of what happened? It put a lot of stress on everyone and…"
"Olivia, no," he cut her off. This isn't something new. It's something I've wanted to say for a long time. I realized if I didn't take action, I could loose you forever. I was so worried I'd never get to tell you!"
Olivia was in such shock she felt like she couldn't breathe. It was like her world had crashed down on her, but in a good way for once. One of her dreams had finally come true. She could finally have the man of her dreams.
"What about work? We can't be partners if we're together."
"I've already talked to Cragen. I explained everything. He gave me his word that we wouldn't be split up as long as our relationship didn't affect our jobs. He said on paper he'd assign us different partners, but everything would stay the same. That way we're covered with IAB."
"El, you've really thought this through."
"I have Olivia. So what do you say? Will you give us a chance?"
"Of course I will, but will you wait for me? I still have to fight this thing that's been controlling me."
"Liv, there's no rush. I'm here. I always have and always will be. Liv, whatever you need, I'm here. You know that."
Things were finally starting to look up for Olivia. She finally had a future to look forward to with a man she loved. She had a "family" to trust in. Maybe she could get through her problems and lead a normal life. Still, deep down she was scared to death that she would snap again, and have another episode. She was thrilled that Elliot finally declared his love, but she knew that his love alone would not cure her problems. All of her issues were still there. She admitted to herself that she still had the desire to cut. She still hated herself. She had a lot of issues to deal with. She was willing to check herself into the hospital. Elliot was hers now. He was her light at the end of her tunnel. She finally had a glimmer of hope. The thing that was gnawing on her mind was Casey. She was worried about her. She needed to know that she was okay. She hoped Casey would come by tonight as she promised.
When Elliot and Olivia got into the car, Elliot asked permission to kiss her. He knew she was still coping with her assault at Sealview, and didn't want to startle her or stir any bad memories of her attack. Olivia didn't answer. Instead, she leaned in and took control of the kiss. She had been waiting a lifetime for this. As their tongues met, she felt an electricity she had never felt before. Everything felt right. Elliot kissed back with an intensity she had never experienced before. She felt as if she could kiss him forever. She was able to let go of everything that had happened and focused on this moment. His scent was intoxicating. As the kiss broke, Olivia could think of nothing more then talking the next step with him.
They drove toward the city holding hands. Olivia told Elliot everything that had happened over the past week. She told him the truth. She didn't hold back. Olivia knew that if they were going to be in a relationship, she had to let him in. She couldn't say she was "fine" forever.
When they arrived at the hospital, Olivia felt anxious. She had never been in a mental hospital before. She was praying it would be nothing like what was portrayed on that movie Girl, Interrupted.
"Elliot, will you stay with me?"
"As long as they'll allow."
They walked through the front doors of the hospital holding hands. Elliot was only allowed to stay long enough to fill out the admitting paperwork. When it was time to say goodbye, he kissed Olivia again and told her he'd be back that evening for visiting hours.
Olivia took a deep breath as he left the room, and she was guided upstairs. This was an entirely new journey.
Author's Note: As promised, the E/O is here! Thanks a million for the reviews! Please review and let me know what you think! I stayed up all night writing this. I've worked really hard again! Please hit that review button! Another 10 would be great!