Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: The characters are only on temporary loan. They will be returned to their rightful owner.

Author's Note: I need some advice. I don't know if I should end this story, and write a sequel, or just continue on with more chapters of this story. Let me know what you think!

Chapter 16

Olivia's stomach churned uncontrollably as she was guided up the elevator to her room on the fourth floor. The hospital common areas were more like a middle grade hotel rather than a hospital. They were decorated in warm beige tones with accents of deep burgundy and hunter green. There were faux flower arrangements placed about. However, the decorating did not calm Olivia's nerves.

"Here we are," the nurse said opening the door to room 425.

Olivia looked around the spartan room. The room was much different than the common areas. It reminded her of a college dorm room. It was small with minimal furniture. There was a twin bed with what seemed like a prison grade mattress and a single chest of drawers. There was a small closet in the corner. There was no art on the off-white walls, and no window treatment besides a generic roll up shade. Olivia didn't want to stay in this place.

The nurse placed Olivia's suitcase on the bed and began to unzip it.

"What are you doing? Why are you going through my things," Olivia asked.

"Ms. Benson, it's procedure for patient safety. We have to make sure no contraband is brought into the facility."

Olivia watched in disbelief as the nurse took the headphones from her i-pod, the charging wire, her belt, and her Venus razor.

"I'll also need your shoe laces. We can provide you with a slip on pair."

Olivia stared at the nurse in disbelief. She couldn't believe this was happening to her.

"I will also need to bodily search you."

Olivia thought that going to Rikers would be less invasive. She was seeking treatment at this hospital, and was being treated like a criminal. She wanted out now. She didn't care if she got help or not.

"I don't think this is for me. I think I'd rather go home."

"It's too late Ms. Benson, you've already signed yourself in. You've given us the authority to decide when you are well enough to leave."

Olivia's mind began to race again. She didn't know how she was going to survive this. She didn't even know how long she'd be forced to stay. The thought of staying in that room by herself terrified her. It reminded her of the cell she was locked in at Sealview.

Olivia was humiliated by the strip search. She tried to put out of her mind what was really happening. She tried to turn it all off. She couldn't do it. She felt disgusting having another person violate her like that. After the inspection was done, Olivia was allowed to get dressed again. Without her belt, her jeans were sliding down her hips. She wondered how she could manage to keep her pants up indefinitely without a belt. She couldn't believe that they thought she would hang herself.

"Lunch is at noon. All meals are monitored to insure that you are actually eating them. Your medical evaluation is scheduled for one o'clock. Your initial psychological evaluation is scheduled for three o'clock. Generally, you will have two group therapy sessions per day. You will see your psychiatrist two times a week, and your counselor three times per week. You will see your nutritionist once a week. You are also required to participate in daily activities. You will not be allowed to leave the floor. Over time, you can earn the privilege of going out onto the grounds. You will also earn the privilege of signing out for the weekends. Visiting hours are daily from seven to nine PM. However, if you do not comply with your treatment, you will be suspended from visitation.

Olivia wasn't listening at this point. It didn't matter what the nurse had to say. For all purposes, she was now a prisoner. She fully regretted not killing herself while she had the opportunity. She wished she had that box cutter.

It was quiet at the precinct. The entire squad knew that Olivia had checked into the hospital that morning. They were relieved that she was safe, but knew it had to be tough for her being in a mental hospital.

"How was she when you dropped her off this morning, Fin asked."

"Surprisingly calm. She accepted that she needed help, but I'm not sure what was really going on in her head. They only allowed me to stay until she finished the paperwork for admittance."

"You gonna go up and visit tonight?"

"Not tonight. Casey said she was going up later on. Maybe tomorrow."

"Me and Munch want to go up and see her too. We don't want her to think we forgot about her. It has to be rough in there. We'll go Wednesday."

"Sounds good. I'll let her know."

The walk to her medical evaluation seemed as if it were ten miles long. She dreaded being poked and prodded by an unfamiliar doctor. She didn't want to answer a million personal questions. As she opened the door to the office, she was met by an unexpected surprise.

"Melinda, what are you doing here?"

"Huang called in favor. He thought you'd be more comfortable with someone familiar. God knows nothing about this place is familiar."

Olivia felt relieved. It was comforting to have someone she knew caring for her.

"How are you doing Olivia? Are you okay being here?"

"Melinda I hate it. I'm a prisoner here. I have no privacy. My room is like a cell. I don't know how I'm going to make it."

"Olivia, one day at a time. I know it has to be uncomfortable staying here. Just do what you have to do to get out. We want you back at SVU as soon as possible. Imagine the mess the guys are going to get in without you."

Olivia smiled.

"Olivia, don't forget Huang and myself have you back here. He's seen to it you have only the best psychiatrists and counselors. I'm in charge of your medical needs. The staff knows also that you are a special patient, not just some fruit loop off the street. You're getting only the best care here Olivia. Don't forget that."

"Thanks Melinda, and tell Huang thanks too.

"We may as well get on with this. Let's start with your height and weight."

Olivia stepped on the scale. She was expecting her normal 127 pounds; 130 on a bad day. She was shocked when the readout on the scale read 101. The shock on her face was evident.

"Olivia, did you have any idea you had lost so much weight," Melinda said with concern.

"I really didn't. I mean, I knew I lost a little, but…"

"Olivia, you need to start eating. Your health is at risk. You've always been thin, but you're severely underweight for your height at the moment. Olivia, tell me honestly. Are you suffering from an eating disorder?"

Olivia looked at the doctor. "No, Melinda, honestly I'm not. I'm just…not eating. The entire time I was gone I existed on a few pretzels here and there. When I'm upset, I just don't eat. I've done that for as long as I can remember."

"I'll talk to your nutritionist. She'll work on a diet for you. You need to gain back the weight you've lost. Olivia just promise me you'll start eating. Being underweight can cause serious health problems. Also at your current weight you won't pass the department physical to get back on the job."

"I promise. I want to get healthy and get back to work."

Melinda checked Olivia's heart and lungs, reflexes, and what seemed like every part of her anatomy.

"I need draw some blood."

Olivia flashed back to the unprotected sex she had. She still needed to get tested. She knew Melinda would run the tests confidentially.

"Melinda, I need a favor." Olivia looked down. "While I was "away," I lost control, and had unprotected sex with two different men." Tears were rolling down Olivia's cheeks.

"Melinda I don't know where my mind was. It was so stupid. I drank too much and."

Melinda cut her off. "Olivia don't worry, I'll run a STD screening myself. No names. I'll call you with the results in the morning.

"I really appreciate it."

After her medical exam, Olivia wanted to go back to her room and be by herself. She felt drained after talking to Melinda about what she had done. She couldn't be around people at the moment. Just as she laid down on her bed, there was a knock and her door opened. "Olivia, volleyball in the gym starts in 5 minutes."

"No thanks, I'm not in the mood for volleyball."

"Olivia, I don't know if anyone told you but activities are mandatory. You can't sit in your room and sulk. We'll be expecting you in five minutes."

She couldn't believe this. "Volleyball," she thought to herself. "What is this high school gym class? I hated volleyball then and I still do" Although Olivia didn't want to comply, she knew she had no choice. She didn't want to stir up trouble her first day there. Grudgingly she went down to the gym.

There were about twenty women in the gym when she arrived. Kate, the activities director introduced Olivia to the group.

"This is Olivia. She just started with us today. Everyone welcome her."

Olivia felt awkward being introduced as if she was the new girl in junior high. She looked around at the faces around her. Everyone seemed surprisingly normal.

A woman who was about twenty-five came up to introduce herself personally.

"Hi Olivia, I'm Rosie. Are you staying on the fourth floor?"

"Yeah, I'm in room 425 toward the end of the hall."

"I'm in 429. When did you get here?"

"Just this morning. I just finished my medical evaluation."

"I know that's not fun."

The whistle blew to begin the game.

"Come play on our team," Rosie said to Olivia.

Olivia smiled and accepted the invitation. She took a spot toward the front near the net.

Olivia thought it was odd being locked up in a mental facility and being forced to play volleyball. She thought the days would be more leisurely. Playing the game made Olivia realize how out of shape she was. Moving two feet to try and hit the ball was exhausting. She got winded very easily. Olivia hoped this was a side effect of her extreme weight loss. Luckily for her, the game was not intense.

Olivia sat with Rosie at lunch after volleyball. She introduced her other friends Theresa, Ellen, and Abby. As the conversation progressed, Olivia found out that they were all in the hospital being treated for anorexia. Theresa had made a suicide attempt, and was almost successful. Rosie had been in the hospital for six months. Theresa and Abby had been there for about four months. It scared Olivia that they all had been admitted for such long periods of time. Olivia was hoping to be discharged within a few weeks. She couldn't handle being locked up for six months or longer. Olivia was upset about the possibility of being in the hospital long term. She picked at her lunch of spaghetti and meatballs, but ate very little of it. She knew her eating habits were being scrutinized, but she couldn't force herself to eat. It was like her stomach turned itself off when she was upset. She needed to discuss that with her doctors.

Her psychological evaluation went more smoothly then she had imagined. She told her doctor everything that had happened to her over the past few weeks. She went into detail about mutilating herself, her extreme drinking, even the careless sex. She told her about her assault, and the affects it had on her. Olivia was surprised how easy she was able to open up to the doctor. Olivia had always been a very private person. The only other person she had ever talked to openly was Elliot. Dr. Holmes listened intently to Olivia. When Olivia finished, Dr. Holmes began to speak.

"Olivia, I think you've suffered a major depressive episode. Your extreme depression, stress, and anxiety caused you to disassociate with reality. It's almost like you were mentally separated from your body. It's disturbing to me how you did things, such as sleep with men, and walk on the beach dressed inappropriately, and have no recollection of the events. I'm also very concerned about your eating habits. It's obviously taking a toll on your physical health."

"Dr. Holmes, what do I need to do to get my life back? This isn't me. I've never done anything like this before."

"Olivia, I'm going to start you on anti-depressants. I'm going to start you on Zoloft; 100mg a day to start. At night, you will be taking Xanax to help you sleep. I know you aren't pleased about being on medication, but right now it's a necessity. We can re-evaluate down the road to see if you can be taken off the drugs. You're also going to be going to group therapy with people who are suffering from major depression similar to yourself. I'm also going to assign you to our self-mutilation help group. I can see you have been harming yourself quite severely. That is a major concern that needs to be addressed immediately. I see in your chart that you were hospitalized due to complications from self harm."

Olivia began to cry again on the doctor's couch. This was all too much to hear in one day. It seemed as if it were hopeless. She would never be the "old" Olivia again.

"Olivia I want you to know that none of this is your fault. Being here isn't a punishment. I suspect part of your illness is chemical. There is an imbalance in your brain that is affecting your behavior. With the proper medications and therapy, you will be back to yourself."

"How long will I have to stay here," Olivia asked.

"We can't be sure. It all depends on you, and how you respond to medication and therapy."

After spending almost two hours with Dr. Holmes, Olivia felt a semblance of relief. Someone finally told her she could be fixed; she wasn't broken for life. As much as she hated being on medication, she knew it was necessary to re-enter her normal life. However, it killed her to not know how long she would be admitted to the hospital. She needed a time frame; a date to mark on her calendar. She needed to know when she'd be normal again.

As always I ask please hit that review button. This one is really long and I spent a lot of time writing it. Let me know what you think! Also let me know if you think I should end the original story and write a sequel about Olivia's treatment.