Disclaimer: I don't own it, if I did, well I would have changed it.
A/N: I am a horrible person, I have been absent way to long, and I hate these episodes, I really hate them, but I HAVE to write it. I will bulk it. Quick, like a band-aid right? Hope it works well. Enjoy…if you can. =/
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: : CHILDS PLAY : :
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Together Danny and Lindsay laid snuggly under the warm covers. Last night had been hectic: an exploding cigar? REALLY? Lots of evidence, they were told to go home-at 5 in the morning, by the time they got to Danny's since it was closer all they could do was crash. Still in jeans and undershirts, they slept peacefully for a full…2 hours.
Lindsay had her arm draped over Danny's abdomen, holding tight for the extra protection against the chilly January draft. They both gave a tiny jump when there came a knocking at the door "hello are you in there?"
"What's that?" Lindsay yawned slightly irritably. They'd just really gotten to sleep.
"That would be Ruben." Danny sighed brushing the little bit of sleep he had gotten out of his eyes.
"At this hour? Aren't kids suppose to sleep in on a Sunday?"
Danny pushed himself out of bed. "Ruben ain't a normal kid." He chuckled.
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The Blessing of the Bikes, how could he have forgotten. Ruben had been talking about it all week. Lindsay completely understood, she sent him on his way, she'd see him at the lab with some very strong coffee later. Now was boy time.
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Who needed coffee when you were running on pure adrenalin? This was an open and shut case, he'd have lunch with Lindsay, and be back to doing little projects with the Essex case, easy day. Until he saw that little body roll into autopsy. NO. Absolutely Not. This wasn't Ruben, Ruben was still sitting upright on his bike and peddling toward home. He was fine…..he wasn't fine, he was laying on Sid's autopsy table. This was not happening, this could not be happening. It was happening.
Danny was struggling to hold onto what little control he had of his emotions as he went over every moment of the burglary with Mac. But he was losing it quickly. And when Lindsay poked her head around the door to the viewing hallway, well, he just had to get out of there. He couldn't be there.
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Lindsay took the back way to his favorite little hiding spot in the lab. The back stairwell where not 3 weeks ago they had a mini make out session, she now found him sitting on the stairs his head hung low and hidden in his hands. He looked so defeated, so upset. Of course he would be, this little guy was his friend, a perfectly innocent child that only wanted to get his bike blessed with his friend from down the hall. She knew he was feeling guilty too, It's the catholic thing, plus it was a child in his care, but his instinct was good, Ruben probably didn't even know he'd been hit until it was too late.
She sat down next to him on the stair, reaching out she cautiously laid her hand on his back. His initial reaction was to pull away, but something about the feeling of her hand rubbing slow soothing circles in his back calmed him slightly.
Danny remained silent. Lindsay broke the silence first. "Danny." She said hesitantly.
"Don't Linds, just don't, this is all my fault."
"Danny, I…I'm not very good at this kind of thing, but I am here for you, and this cannot possibly be your fault."
"Lindsay I was watching him, he was my responsibility, I was suppose to make sure he got home alright."
"Danny…" Lindsay began but cut herself off, there was nothing she could say, not really. She just held him, until well, until he pulled himself together enough to go home. To tell Ruben's mom what had happened. Lindsay had offered to help break the news, but he waved her off, this was something he had to do.
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It took everything in his being to peal himself off the floor, but he couldn't let Rikki stay like this either. He helped her up and led her into her apartment. Then silently went to his own, he'd said about all the apologies he could. There was nothing that could be done. Ruben Sandoval was gone.
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: : Happily Never After : :
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Lindsay walked in the door, dropped all of her belonging on the floor and plopped onto the sofa next to her best friend and roommate, Jenna.
"No Danny again?" She asked concerned, for the last two weeks she had seen quite a lot of Lindsay and nothing of her boyfriend Danny. Sure the guy was going through a tough time, a death of a kid he was close to and all, but of all people, Lindsay would be the one to turn to. Not only was she his girlfriend, but she had also been there.
"Nope still pushing me away, if he doesn't want my help, then fine."
"Oh Lindsay honey." Connie, their next door neighbor, piped in. She was visiting with the girls, she always randomly popped in, and it was very nice, like a mom of sorts. "Don't be bitter, it leads to botox."
Lindsay let out a small laugh. "True, it's just, he's not himself, not that I expect him to be." She added quickly, she wasn't good at this kind of thing, but she wasn't insensitive either. It was a tough spot. "He doesn't joke around anymore. He's barely there. Granted the funeral was just the other day."
"Did you go?" Jenna asked.
Lindsay shook her head no. "I didn't even know when it was until I heard Mac say Danny took the morning off for the burial. And by that time I was ankle deep in trash/evidence, it's not like I could get there, no matter how badly I wanted to. And today he had a case that took him to a Kindergarten. When I asked how he was doing, he shrugged and said 'fine' that man is anything but 'fine'" she made her point by putting finger quotes around the word fine.
"Just be patient sweet girl." Connie consoled her. "He'll come around if he knows what's good for him."
"You gonna hunt him down Connie?" Jenna laughed at Connie.
"If I have to, I will."
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: : All In the Family : :
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Flack banged on the door to Danny's apartment, nothing. He could hear the tv on. Messer was in there. But the little prick wasn't answering his door. "Messer, I know you're in there, now get your ass over here and unlock the door, before I use my influence on your landlord again. " He hollered.
There was a grumbling and the clicking of locks being undone. The door fell open but Danny was already back on the couch taking a long swig from what looked like his 8th beer. "Danno, what's going on with you!" He asked flabbergasted, this was not the Danny he knew, this was the Danny Messer that hotheaded his way out of the minor leagues, not the Danny Messer that was a respected NYPD CSI.
"Nothing, what's up with you?"
Don shook his head. "Nothing, really Danny! Your girlfriend covered your ass for you today!"
"She didn't have to do that."
"and you're not even thankful. You have the flu by the way, although with the way you've been acting, I almost want to see you step in it." Danny just grunted and continued watching Sports Center. "You don't deserve her you know that?" Don pushed trying to get a reaction, any reaction out of Danny. "If it wasn't for her, we'd all be working on Ollie's murder right now, if she hadn't sent me to track you down, I don't think you would have been in the frame of mind to stop her."
"She had no right to send you out to track me down."
"She had every fucking right, she cares for you, she's your freaking girlfriend, And what was that you deserve to die shit. Are you fucking kidding me Danny!"
"He was in my custody."
Don looked disgusted, "Survivors guilt. Really Messer? Call Lindsay, because if anyone can understand it's her. Just fucking CALL her, because she needs you just as much as you need her tonight."
"She's a big girl."
"Yea, so is Ricky Sandoval." Flack shot back, "And you should have reported her. Your career is on the line here, and you don't fucking care. Go ahead throw it all away Messer. Because that's where you're headed, just make sure you know what kind of mess you're leaving behind." And with that Don stormed out.
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: : Playing with Matches : :
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Lindsay sniffled. Of course she would get called to a scene when she had a slight temperature, a runny nose, and it was rainy and cold to boot. She was also working a case with Danny, Oh joy. He was her boyfriend, but less and less so. He wouldn't talk to her, he wouldn't see her. He just pushed her away. In the 2 months since Ruben's death, she had seen him once off shift.
That's not a relationship. He was mourning, and she wasn't one to push. It had taken her 10 years to get over the loss of her friends, and he was slowly coming back. He was joking a little with scenes, he was more willing to grab a real lunch with her. Even dinner the other night which was a surprise. He seemed to be coming back to her.
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: : DOA for a Day : :
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"Is Danny coming over?" Jenna asked as she pulled Lindsay's cake out of the oven. Honestly, who knows. He didn't acknowledge it at work today." He hadn't. The team had a cake for her at noon, he wasn't on till one, he missed that, you'd figure a boyfriend would come in an hour early for his girlfriend or at least free cake-nope. No Happy Birthday's in the lab, nothing.
It was 10 pm. No calls, he didn't show up to dinner, no nothing. Danny had two hours, but still he missed her birthday. He had never missed a birthday, he loved birthdays. Connie was furious. "His loss." Jenna shrugged cutting into a huge piece of the cake and handing it over to Lindsay.
"No, not his loss." Connie hollered. "Oh dear lord, get me my phone, he's going to get a piece of my mind."
"No don't." Lindsay cut in. "It's not worth it."
"Baby, you ARE worth it." Connie said, her heart sinking at the self deprecating way Lindsay pretty much referred to herself. Jenna looked on sadly, she had seen this Lindsay before. She hadn't seen her since sophomore year. And that had been a bad break up. If she and Danny went the same way as she and Jake. That had been a bad break up. They had been all hot and heavy, and then a freshman with larger ta ta's walks by and he's done with Lindsay. She can think of him fondly now, but if she and Danny were headed down that path it was going to be a tough couple of months.
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Lindsay got home with a slam of the door the next day. "whoa, what happened!" Ben, Jenna's boyfriend exclaimed as a picture nearly fell from the wall.
"Steak Sides!"
"What about steak sides?" Jenna asked coming into the living room to see what all the commotion was about.
"That was Danny's excuse to forgetting my birthday. It's not something men remember. Apparently their brains can only hold onto sports stats and steak sides."
"Oh he didn't?" Jenna chuckled. Lindsay gave her a dark look and she tried to suck the laughter in, but. "I'm sorry Linds, but that boy is seriously damaged."
"Yea so am I, but I remembered his mother's birthday, and I haven't even met the woman!"
"So how'd he find out he'd missed your birthday?"
"I was bitter, I know, botox, but today with him it was strictly business, I wasn't his girlfriend I was his coworker, it was like when I first started all over again, except, well, he knows how I really am. And I tell you Jenna he did not like it. Especially when Adam came running in and gave me a big hug out of nowhere."
"Why?"
"Because he wasn't on yesterday, and lost track of time." Lindsay smiled. "I think he's terrified of everyone. But he gave me this big bear hug saying how sorry he was for missing my birthday, and gave me a card."
"Oh that's sweet."
"Yea Danny was in the room, he pretended not to see. He did, I saw his reflection in the glass. A little while later, when we were alone he gave me a half hearted sorry I missed your birthday."
"You didn't forgive him for that did you?"
"No and he didn't get why I could forgive Adam and not him."
Jenna was appalled, "Because you're not fucking Adam."
"Yea well I'm not fucking Danny either."
"Yes, but you should be, making this worse."
"No kidding. Whatever, it's been months, and he's worse than ever before. Fine. I will give him one more week, and then I'm done, if he doesn't want a relationship, then he's free."
: : Right Next Door : :
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Lindsay was devastated. She knew that look Danny had given her earlier, She'd heard the same excuses in the past. She had been cheated on in the past. She stormed away from Danny and Hawkes, she needed distance, her emotions were getting the better of her. She was headed for the solace of the roof and the words of her brother.
She hit the door and speed dialed Charlie's number.
"Hey Lissy!" Lindsay let out a chuckle and a sob in the same breath, Lissy had been the only way Charlie could say he name until the age of 4 and it kind of stuck around as a nickname. "Wait, what's wrong Linds?"
"Charlie, I think he's cheating on me."
"What, Danny? No Fucking way." Charlie gritted out. "I will kill him. Seriously."
"You'll have to try and beat Connie to it." Lindsay hiccupped a laugh.
Charlie snickered through the line. "I always knew I liked her. So what are you going to do LInds?"
"I'll do exactly what he did to me. You know he hasn't been my boyfriend for weeks. I will ignore him, push him away, be the bitch you know I can be to him."
"Yes but you love him." Charlie said plainly. He always was straight to the point.
"Yea, well, he doesn't know that."
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Well that went well, a good day of silent treatment, and being a bitch, and well he broke her. She let him have it. But really, he was trying to compare her to a clingy, needy, wishy-washy, I can't live without you, crys after sex, doormat of a girlfriend. She WAS NOT Cindy. Yea she'd fallen in love with the jerk, and now she had to let that go.
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She loved him. She really loved him. Not like the girls he dated where it was lust. She LOVED him. How had he not seen it. How had his grief for Ruben blinded him to that. He was letting her get away. Hell the way she just dismissed him, she had let him go. Don was right, he didn't deserve her. But he'd be damned if he didn't try to get her back.
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: : Like Water for Murder : :
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Lindsay stormed into the apartment, in a way that had become quite common. The door slammed shut behind her, the lock was slapped shut, her purse chucked across the room. "What the hell is wrong with me!" she yelled defeated and slumping onto the couch. Jenna rushed to her friends side and pulled her into a tight embrace.
"What happened Linds?"Jenna asked softly.
"He got me to let my guard down, for a millisecond, and next thing in know I leave evidence unattended."
"Okay…"
"Okay! No okay, the lab is being inspected, I COULD HAVE LOST MY JOB!"
"Did you?" Jenna asked anxiously. Losing her job was the last thing Lindsay needed right now.
"No, but Mac, I broke down a little in front of him,"
Jenna nodded. "Mac likes you, you are his golden girl."
"That's Stella."
"Not like you. You and your demonstrations, he hired you, he brought you across the country, heck he let you crash at his place for a week when you got here. You're his girl."
Lindsay let out a sob. She could only hold it together for so long. And at home she was going to let the tears flow. The buzzer went off. Someone was at the door. Jenna went to the buzzer, Lindsay was in no place to move from the ball she'd curled herself into on the sofa. "Who is it?"
"It's Danny." Came a gargled voice through the intercom. Lindsay sat straight up. Her eyes as big as a deer's that got stuck in headlights. Mascara running down her cheeks. She shook her head no.
"What do you want Danny." Jenna snapped.
Danny flinched, granted Jenna was Lindsay's oldest and closest friend of course she would be protective. And he did deserve it, he had been absent for about a month and a half. "I need to see Lindsay."
"She's not here."
"I know she's there Jenna, please let me up."
"Well, she doesn't want to see you."
"Jenna, please." But his plead fell on deaf ears. So he sat on the stoop. He'd tried Connie's door, but there was no answer. Maybe he'd get lucky, maybe someone would come home, maybe someone would have no problem letting him in. He had been a common figure in the building for almost 9 months.
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A short while later Connie strolled up to the building, her hands full of grocery bags. She gave him a dirty look. He stood and brushed off his jeans. "Hey Connie, can I give you a hand?" he asked.
"Daniel. This wouldn't by any chance be a means into the building a certain ex girlfriend and her roommate won't let you into is it?" Connie asked her eyes seeing right through him.
He dropped his head. "Yes." He wasn't going to lie to this sweet old woman. He shouldn't have lied to Lindsay either, he shouldn't have slept with that woman, he was just sorry. "But my mother tried to raise me right, and you look like you could use a hand."
"You learned charm at the hands of your dad right." Connie sighed letting Danny take a few bags off of her. She let him in the door and as he passed she hit him upside the head. "We are going to talk first before you go banging down that door."
"Yes ma'am."
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: : Admissions : :
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Nothing was working. Why? Why doesn't he think? Danny couldn't get her out of his head. She loved him. She LOVED him. Why the hell should she love him? He was just…he was nothing compared to her. She deserved so much better.
She wouldn't return his personal calls to her home or cell, she walked away when he could see she was about to give in. Just a movie, she wanted it, she misses this…that: what they had. He could see it in her eyes, in her smile. Why was he such an incredible ass? Why, why did he have to sleep with that woman….twice! Damn it!
She was nothing compared to Lindsay, sure she was beautiful, but she wasn't Lindsay: her hair was too dark and smelt different, her touch was too soft, gone were the smoothed over calluses that came with Lindsay's country roots. Gone was the smell of her body, the sound of Lindsay's cries and moans. Rikki, it just was so different. It was just wrong. Why had he not realized it before the act or even during the act? Why did he not realize Lindsay's feelings?
He couldn't return the gesture, he knew that. He cared for her, more than he has cared for any woman outside his mother. Actually he cared for Lindsay more than his mother. He wanted to be around her, he wasn't obligated to care for her, to love her. God, he could see himself loving her. It was so close, and here, here he was screwing it up. Again.
Danny had decided to run the case off. He hated running, but in his job he had to be able to. Really it was chasing that he hated, running, running released steam. For an April night it was relatively nice out, shorts and a sweatshirt was fine. He'd been going on 2 miles when he felt his legs start to turn to jello. Deciding to cool off, and walk the last few blocks home he stopped by a local bodega (not THE bodega but one a few blocks up) to buy some water and a paper. On his way to the register he bumped into the man who had just finished paying.
"Whoa, sorry." Danny apologized steadying his water from rolling off the paper.
"Hey, that's okay." The man said looking up. That voice sounded familiar. "Messer?"
"Pino? How ya doin' buddy?" Danny said recognizing the former M.E. "It's been awhile."
"Yea, what, about a year and a half? So how's life Messer? Locked yourself in anymore panic rooms?"
"Yea, yea, yea. Right about now, I'd gladly take that panic room over the shit I'm in."
"Ouch, a hot room and a decaying body is better than what? Paper work?"
"Nah, someone I was close to died a few months back, and things have been building to the point where my girlfriend wants nothing to do with me. Or she wants to want nothing to do with me."
"Too bad, I'm in that boat too. Annabelle wants me to move out."
"Shit, that sucks, you're staying though?"
"I'm not about to leave the best thing in my life." Pino said with a slight smile.
"Wish I was that smart." Danny said shaking his head then taking a swig of his water.
"Wow, never thought I'd see the day when Danny Messer, fell for a woman. Weren't you one of those if it gets too difficult, ya move on kinda guys. WHAT, or better yet, WHO's got you converted?" He asked with raised eyebrows. Danny only smiled, well grinned. "Monroe? You hit that?"
"Hey." Danny exclaimed. Lindsay was not some random girlfriend to hit.
"Sorry, but Lindsay, really? How'd you accomplish that?"
"You think she's too good for me too huh?" Danny asked with a smile. Yea she was too good for him, but he didn't care. He shoots for the moon, and she is his moon. "I ah, she's a, it just happened." He shrugged.
"How long you two together?"
"About 10 months."
"Seriously, woulda thought if you two did get together it woulda been earlier than that. I thought you were gonna jump her on one of the M.E. tables back in the day."
"That's disgusting Marty."
"Well, this one time, Annabelle and I…"
"You spent too much time with Sid, Pino." Danny said cutting him off.
"Yea, thanks for cutting me off."
"Not a problem."
"Anyway, yea, always pictured Lindsay as a little bit of a high maintenance girlfriend, not your kinda thing."
"She's not, but she is the exact opposite of most of the girls I've ever been with."
"And you've been with your fair share." Pino wiggled his eyebrows.
"No, not at all, geeze Pino, where did I get this player rap?"
"You know, I don't know…but you'll never beat mine."
"Don't intend to." Danny smirked.
"So Lindsay's the ONE?"
"What?" He choked out a laugh. He hadn't talked to the guy in over 18 months and now this guy was asking a question he wouldn't even discuss with his ma.
"And there's your problem." Pino said patting Danny on the back. "Figure it out. See ya Messer." He waved as he took off down to the subway.
Danny walked the next four blocks thinking about what Pino had asked. Was Lindsay the one? The one…the one what? Well that was obvious. Could he see himself marrying her, living the rest of his life with her, having kids with her….that wasn't a place Danny was ready to go yet. He had never thought about it, he tried not to think about it. The thought of that kinda commitment seemed so big so daunting. Why couldn't they just live in the moment?
The last 10 months with Lindsay had been the best of his life. Well technically, the last 3 years, he had been a better person, and he blames that on Lindsay. After the Minhas shooting he knew he had to be a more controlled person, and it was working to an effect, but the minute SHE moved to New York, the minute she came into his life, he was in control, he took care of his jobs, of his friends, of his coworkers. He didn't fly off the handle; he kept his emotions in check, for the most part.
After that first kiss, he became all the more aware of his actions. She was different, she deserved someone better, someone she could rely on, and something changed. He wanted to be that guy. He wanted to be the guy she needs. He still wants to be that guy. The guy she wants, the guy she needs. Living in the moment is great, but looking a day ahead, a week ahead, a month ahead she as there. She was always there, he couldn't not see her there. Did that make her the ONE?
Uh, yea, more than any other girl he had ever been with. With them, he always saw an end. With her he could not foresee an end. That was until he made the biggest mistake of his life. Until in a moment of not thinking he slept with another woman. How Lindsay knew, he didn't know, he hadn't uttered the words to anyone, nor did he intend too, but Lindsay was….He needed to get her back, she was his forever. That was all he could think of, she belonged in his life and in more than just the lab. She needed to be a permanent figure in his apartment, or him in hers.
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A/N 2: Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed. One more chapter to this story and its pretty much already written. Then it's back to updating You Look Good In My Shirt.