19. Understanding Eric

She woke up to the sound of banging on the door. Eric was beside her, on the floor. Eric. She smiled and stretched. The banging continued.

She got up and strolled up to the door. She opened it to find the King and a blond like-me... er, vampire... with him.

"King Bill. No crown. King Bill lost his crown, looked all over the whole damned town. Turned the place upside-down, but never, never found his crown."

He exchanged a look with the blond vampire and Alexis considered the possibility that she had made a mistake. She thought hard for a few seconds. "Please come in," she said finally.

"Are you here alone?" the blond asked her.

"Alexis, this is Nan," the King told her.

Alexis reached up to see if she was breathing, but stopped. "Don't do that to other people, either."

"Eric. Sleeping. Bang, bang, bang, bang. It's rude."

Eric arrived in the room then, and she got distracted.

"Nan," he greeted the newcomer with just her name.

"Nan. Vampire." Alexis didn't need to know any more than that. Nan was not food. "Hungry."

"Your little pet killed a fairly prominent Mexican Dignitary. Alphonsio something or other." Nan told him. "If she's wild, she's going to have to meet the True Death."

"She's recovering," Eric argued. He summoned Pam, but knew she might arrive too late.

"Really? Did you know she just made up a limerick about Bill?"

"She did? Was it good?"

Nan looked past him where Alexis was humming and dancing. He was glad he had at least removed the human bodies before joining her in the cellar.

"She doesn't look very sane to me. Even if she were a human, she'd be considered retarded."

"She remembers more every day. She's recovering."

"What is the point? Just make a new one. She's a newborn, isn't she?"

"She is Pam's Progeny. She is recovering. There is no good reason to make her meet the True Death," he argued.

"I will determine if she is recovering or not," Nan told him. "We will not allow an out of control vampire to run rampant in the US. We're trying to-"

Eric hissed at her, and Alexis turned to watch, bristling. This 'Nan' creature was upsetting Eric. Alexis hissed, too.

Nan lifted an eyebrow at her. "Sit down," she said, indicating a chair at the table.

Alexis dismissed her because Eric's fangs were back in and he was happy again. "No." She hummed, looking at pictures of people on the wall. She thought they looked pretty.

"Alexis!" Eric snapped at her. "Sit down."

"Okay," she said, wounded. He didn't have to bark at her.

She sat down and realized that the wood of the table made lovely patterns. She traced them, humming.

"How old are you?" Nan asked.

"Thirty-two. Alexis turned thirty-two. Cake at the office. Sarah ate most of it. Cake. No more cake." She felt sad.

"How long have you been a vampire?" the woman snapped, irritated.

"One hundred sixty four dawns. Oooone hundred, sixtyyyyy-four!" she sang it. "Counting for the Pam."

"What? Never mind. Do you know who your Maker is?" she asked this time.

"Pink Pam. Maker Pam. Wait for Pam in the darkness." She smiled at the memory of the worms. She wondered how she'd felt they were gross when they had felt so soft and curious against her body in the Earth. "Sweet worms. Gentle." She traced the pretty pattern on the table.

"Do you eat flesh?"

"No eating. Just drink. The Voice says so. No eating. Never, never eating. Drink." She saw a look of anger on the other woman's face and saw her shoot a glance of irritation at Eric. She did not like this woman.

Her fangs snapped out and she hissed.

"Stop that," Eric told her.

Nan turned to Bill as Alexis struggled with her urge to fight.

"Bring the human in."

A human was brought in and Alexis sniffed the air. "Pretty," she said. He smelled delicious. "Hungry."

"Eat him," Nan told her. "Kill him and eat him."

Alexis glared at her. "No."

She stood up. "You will do as you are told!"

"No killing!" Alexis yelled at her. "No killing!"

"You're hungry, aren't you?" Nan asked her.

"Alexis hungry. No killing!"

Nan's eyes narrowed. "Eat him."

"No. Nan wants to trick."

"Eat," Eric told her.

She looked at Eric, and considered disobeying. Did he not see that Nan was trying to trick her somehow? But she got up and walked over to the human. She gripped his face and regretted losing the sweet smell of his fear.

"Relax," she told him, gripping his will with hers. He fluttered slightly as if it wasn't working. She ran her hand down his cheek. "Relax. Peaceful. Pretty." He smiled and she drank. He tasted sweet, like something from a long ago time that she couldn't quite remember.

His heart slowed and she felt excitement run through her. It was the sweetest moment, that instant of death. "No killing," The Voice said inside her mind.

With a monumental effort of will, she stopped. She licked him, cleaning his blood off of him. She pulled away and looked at him. "Relax," she said with a smile, patting him.

Her fangs snapped back in and she patted him again. Then she got up and turned to walk back to the table to sit down. As she passed Nan, she napped her fangs out and said, "No killing."

She saw Nan give Eric an enraged look. It made her feel smug.

"No killing, no eating. Drink only. Stop. Relax." She lifted an eyebrow and smirked at Nan. Somehow, though she didn't know how, she knew she had just outsmarted the other woman.

Pam zipped in the door.

Nan turned to her. "Can you control your Progeny, or only Eric?"

"She obeys me," Pam answered, looking bored.

"One month. You two have one month to show improvement in her. If not, it's the True Death." She got up and walked out.

Pam turned to look at Alexis, then at Eric. "How did you convince Nan to let her live?"

"She refused to kill a human. But she killed one last night, so-"

"No. Jasmine. Hair. No killing."

"Jessica killed him?"

"Jessica. Smells like Jasmine."

Eric sighed and Alexis felt bad. She had done something wrong. She laid her chin on her crossed arms on the table.

"Alexis should have killed him?"

"It's more complex than that," Eric told her. "You are allowed to defend yourself when a human shoots you in the head."

"Hurt. But no killing!"

Eric and Pam were looking at each other with twin images of disgust and amusement.

Alexis realized that she had missed something. "No killing when eating," she said, smiling slowly. She was sure that was the answer. "No killing to play. You are allowed to defend yourself."

Eric grinned at her and she lifted her head. "Eric's happy." She got up and went to the refrigerator.

"No. Come here." She turned in surprise and walked over to him.

He pulled her into his lap and she giggled.

"She's never going to make it in a month," Pam told Eric.

She jumped off of Eric and prowled. She was still hungry. So hungry.

"Alexis?" Eric asked.

"Hungry. Still hungry. So hungry. Starving. Darkness."

Eric and Pam spoke for a few minutes, but Alexis ignored them. She was still so hungry.

Pam left and Eric kissed her. She forgot she was hungry and he took her upstairs to her bedroom and she forgot all about being hungry as they made love.

The next night the hunger gnawed at her until she cried. He tried to distract her but she was too hungry. He brought her food and she drank and had to use every ounce of her strength to stop. Even then, she was hungry. She wanted that moment of death, she craved it with all of her being.

Another night and she refused to eat. Eric brought her some foul thing and made her drink it. She drank and was sick. He gave her more and she kept it down. But her stomach cramped with pain and she knelt, bent over her knees, and groaned from the pain.

"What's wrong with her?" Pam asked, and Alexis tried to tell her that her stomach was being eaten by something.

"Withdrawals," Eric said.

Alexis swam in an ocean of misery and longing.

Three nights later when Eric gave her fake blood, she kept it down the first time and she laid on the floor of the cellar in quiet misery instead of agony.

She woke up the next night feeling strange. She got up and walked up to the kitchen. She stared at the refrigerator that Eric had bought for her. She went into the room where the artifacts should be. They were gone.

"Alexis?"

"Gone," she told him. "They stole them." She remembered the robbers. They had come and beaten her. And now all of her Mormor's artifacts were gone.

"Alexis, I took them to my house. They're safe, they're fine."

She didn't understand what he was saying. All she knew was that her Mormor's beloved artifacts were gone. She cried again and he pulled her against him. Time passed for her in a blur as Eric and Jessica, and sometimes even Pam, spent the nights with her.

Sometimes she almost felt like another person. Like someone from long ago. But the moments were short and passed quickly. Then one night, they wouldn't feed her. Then the next night. Hunger stole over her with ever-increasing intensity.

It was several nights and she complained of the hunger, but Eric continued to ignore it. Then she got up to the banging on the door again. This time, though, Eric got up with her. He led her to the dining room, and Nan and Bill came in. Pam and Jessica followed and sat down, with Sookie coming in behind them.

When she saw Bill, Alexis grinned, "King Bill lost his crown, looked all over the whole damned town. Turned the place upside-down, but never, never found his crown."

Jessica snickered and Pam coughed. Sookie started laughing out loud until Bill sent her a sour look. "Sorry," she muttered, sending Alexis an amused look.

Eric reprimanded her, but Alexis saw his eyes glittering and his lip twitched.

She sniffed the air, smelling nervousness and that irresistible scent that always came with Sookie. Her fangs snapped out, but she closed her mouth and fought the overwhelming urge to eat.

"How are you feeling?" Bill asked her.

Snapping her fangs in with great effort, she said, "Hungry."

"I am sorry about that. But we have to check your self-control. If you can't control yourself, you will have to... Well. Let's just see, shall we?"

He went to the door, giving Nan a disgusted look, and gestured. A naked young man was dragged in, and Alexis felt the overpowering urge to devour him. But she also felt something else, something she couldn't give a name, but that was strong and poignant.

"You are terrifying him," she chastised Bill.

"It makes him smell good, don't you think?" he asked her.

She thought about that. He was right. The man smelled so good she could barely stand it. Somehow, though, it still seemed wrong. But she couldn't figure out why, her mind was sluggish and confused.

"You can defend yourself. Otherwise, no killing."

He raised an eyebrow. "Do you even know what that means?"

"If he shoots you in the head, you can kill him. Are you injured?" she realized she had been rude by not noticing.

He looked at Nan, who looked angry.

"No, thank you, Alexis. I am not injured."

He waved his hand at the terrified man. "Eat. Eat and kill him."

Her fangs snapped out against her will. "No."

"Eat and kill him," Eric commanded her.

Conflict rose up inside her. He was telling her to do something he had told her never to do. Something was wrong. He didn't want her to kill, and she knew it. She stared at him, confused.

"Eat and kill him," Pam told her. Alexis looked away, then at the terrified human. "As your Maker, I command you!" Pam said.

Alexis felt heartbreak rise in her. Not long ago, she wouldn't have even needed to be told to kill this man. She would have done it. Now, though, she knew it was wrong. Not only because Eric had told her so, but because of something inside her own self.

She looked away from Pam, tears running down her face. Her Maker would never forgive her, but she would not do it. If she would not do it because Eric commanded it, not even her Maker could be obeyed.

"You just as well do it," Nan told her. "You are meeting the True Death tonight. Why go hungry?"

Alexis stood miserable and confused, but she took not even a single step toward the terrified human for a long moment. Then a dam broke inside of her. She walked over to him and took his face in her hands.

He struggled and she shushed him. His eyes finally met hers and she took his will into her own. "Relax. Be calm. Find peace within yourself." He stilled. She stroked his cheek.

Then she stood up. "I am ready."

"For what?" Nan demanded.

"I am ready for the True Death. But I will not harm this poor human."

Nan stood up. "She is your responsibility," she said to Pam. "The first sign that she's uncontrollable and she's done, though."

She left and Alexis stood still and silent in the quiet room.

Eric's voice came from behind and above. "Eat, Alexis. Don't kill." He turned her to face him. "You did the right thing."

She couldn't look at him. She felt betrayed in some way that she couldn't understand. She trembled with reaction to something she couldn't place or begin to recognize. He rested his head on hers, but she just wanted to walk away.

Then Pam pulled her away from Eric. She put her hands on Alexis's cheeks. "If you had obeyed either of us in front of Nan, you would have died," she told Alexis. "If we had not commanded you to do it, you would have died."

Hurt welled up in her. Her eyes met Pam's and she didn't try to hide her feelings, though she felt like she should. "You knew it was wrong and you told me to do it anyway. I would have preferred you let me die."

She stepped away from her and walked down to the cellar.

"Alexis," Eric said softly, "wait."

But she didn't.

She lay curled on the floor, thoughts swirling through her head in strange circles. Some of them were hers and not-hers.

"Hey, you okay?"

She sat up, surprised to find Jessica standing on the wooden stairs down to the cellar. "No," she said.

"Well, that's good. I was starting to worry that you were happy all the time. Then I would have to hate you just on principle." When Alexis chuckled slightly, she went on, "See, like that. Hate you."

"But you will pretend you don't. I have more movies than Blockbuster."

She sat down on the ground near Alexis. "They didn't have a choice, you know. Nan wanted you put to the True Death."

Alexis sighed. "I feel so confused. Like my mind is... not there. Or like something is missing or doesn't fit. The only thing I was sure of was that Eric and Pam could be trusted." She tucked her legs up against her and leaned her chin on her knees. "Some nights I feel like someone else. Once in a while, I think I own this house, but then I feel like.. I don't know. Like an intruder into someone else's life. But until now, every part of me was in agreement that I could listen to Eric and Pam and that they would help me in some way."

"They did it to save you from Nan," Jessica told her. She was quiet for a while. "Do you remember anything?"

"Sometimes," Alexis answered, still leaning on her knees. "I remember being afraid of Eric. Why was I afraid of Eric?"

"Because he's scary," Jessica answered. "The guy tortures people and he's a thousand years old. Even Bill and Nan aren't as strong as he is."

Alexis couldn't help it, she laughed. "You make being afraid of him sound so reasonable."

"No one thought you would make it. We all thought you would kill him."

"Doesn't it seem a little backwards that she was willing to kill him to see if I would refuse to kill him? She was just trying to trap me, she doesn't care about that human at all."

"I never thought of that. But from what I've seen of her, that's Nan for you."

"It's all about ratings for her," Bill said, stepping into the room from the kitchen. "I think she hoped she could put you down and film it so that the world would see how she handles rogue vampires. You no doubt disappointed her by passing her disgusting test."

He came down and handed her a bottle of O negative Tru Blood. "Even if you prefer not to eat the human, you should not starve yourself longer. You will grow weak and die."

She took it and drank it, gagging slightly at how flat it was.

He stood watching her. When she was done, he said, "You still have a long way to go, Alexis."

She sighed. "But I am no longer a danger to humans, and that's what matters, am I right?"

"That is the important part from an official standpoint, yes."

They left and Alexis woke up the next night with a weight on her mind and her heart. She heard the alarm beep off and back on. Eric was here.

She walked up the steps slowly, then into the dining room. He stopped and crossed his arms, looking at her.

"You kept a remote to the alarm."

"Yes," he admitted.

"Why?"

"I watched you sleep sometimes."

"Why?"

"You looked beautiful. With your hair spilling across the bed and your face serene."

She wanted that to thaw the hurt in her heart. But she had more questions for him. "You left me in the mine."

"We thought you were dead. We believed you were too drunk to burrow, so we didn't check."

That thawed her slightly. They didn't do it on purpose. "You asked me to do something that you knew was wrong. You betrayed my trust in you."

He didn't offer the excuses she expected. She already knew them, but thought he would express them again anyway.

He flitted across the room to cup her face in his hands. "I am sorry, Alexis." She saw a tear spill down his cheek, red and vibrant.

"You were angry that Pam turned me. You don't want me like this."

He pulled her against him. She wrapped her arms around him and felt her own tears spill.

"When you were human, I felt everything you did. I never had to wonder or guess how you felt about me. But now I... I'm lost without that knowledge."

She pulled away and looked at him. "I told you how I felt before I died."

"But that's when you were human, Alexis. I didn't know how that would change when you were made a vampire. I will never know for sure now."

She ran her hand down his cheek. "Eric, for a person like me, the worst betrayal is to give a command that I cannot bring myself to obey." He made to speak and she shushed him with a finger on his lips. "If I can forgive you for that, surely you can forgive me for having to say how I feel instead of you simply knowing."

He picked her up and flitted upstairs with her, and she was lost in his kisses and his arms. They slept this time in the bed, because he'd had the room light-proofed for her. When she woke, she had all of her memory. Eric sat up beside her and kissed her on the shoulder. He turned her face to his.

"Are you back?" he asked, apparently seeing something in her that had changed.

"I remember everything. And I think I can forgive Mormor." She smiled at him.

He grinned, pulling her into his lap. She grinned back, feeling his erection pressing against her from beneath the sheets.

Alexis leaned forward, her hair falling around them. "In fact," she said, kissing him, "I think I could even appreciate what she gave me, intentional or not."

Four hours later, she was lying on his chest when he rolled her over, sliding his leg between hers and pulling her against him until she was wrapped around him.

"Again?" she asked with a chuckle.

"Not yet," he told her, "impatient little doe."

"Alright," she said, settling into the position slightly.

"I want to do what my father asked of me," he told her. "I want to marry a Swedish princess."

She sobered, blinking at him.

"So," he asked. "Will you?"

"Really?" she asked, not daring to believe it.

He flashed that boyish grin. "I asked your sister first, but you ate her, and now you're all I've got left."

She laughed and pulled his head down for one of those kisses she had come to crave. "Your wish is my command, Prince Ehrik."