Olivia's Dark Nights

Disclaimer: If I own the SVU DVD's, does that mean I "own" the characters? I doubt Dick Wolf would agree!

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay in updating. I felt guilty for neglecting this story. I have a little writer's block. Hopefully people are still interested! Pretty please review! It rocks my socks!

Chapter 19

After a week of being home, Olivia had settled into a routine. She had therapy Monday through Thursday. She felt comfortable with her therapist. She was a woman about Olivia's age, who had been a rape victim herself. Olivia could open up to her doctor, which made the therapy process less painful. She continued her medication religiously. She was still cutting herself, but slowly learning to control the behavior. Her doctor told her the urge to cut may never fully go away, but Olivia would eventually build up the strength to stop herself. Casey had told her the same thing, although she knew that Casey too was still a cutter on her darkest days. She wondered if she would be a lifelong cutter.

Olivia was having a hard time dealing with her nutritionist. Pam was very strict. She wanted Olivia to keep a food diary, and track every morsel she put into her mouth. She expected her to eat three meals a day; all perfectly balanced. Olivia had never eaten like that in her life. Even as a child, she never ate three regularly scheduled meals a day. On the job, she ate when she had the time. After all these years on the force, she had managed to avoid dying of starvation. Pam expected Olivia to plan her life around her meals, and Olivia wouldn't have it. She found herself making up meals just for the sake of recording something in her journal. Olivia still didn't have much of an appetite. She had only gained one and a half pounds since coming home. She knew Melinda wasn't pleased, but she didn't push the point. However, Melinda stood firm that she wouldn't clear her medically to return to work until she gained at least fifteen pounds.

Things between Elliot and Olivia were going incredibly. They were comfortable together; as if they had been a couple for years. They couldn't stay away from each other. They had sex multiple times per day. Elliot was the most endowed man Olivia had ever slept with. She also felt safe having Elliot in her bed. She slept well for the first time in a long time.

Elliot appeared at her bedroom door holding a huge bag of Chinese food.

"I thought we could eat in here. It would be more comfortable."

"Great idea. I don't even feel like moving. I'm too comfortable."

Olivia & Elliot stuffed themselves with fried dumplings, general tso's chicken, veggie lo-mein, & fortune cookies. When they were done, Elliot leaned in to snuggle up with Olivia.

"Do you want to turn the TV on?" Olivia asked.

"No, I'm fine sitting here watching you." Elliot gazed into her eyes & began to kiss her.

His kiss was intoxicating. Olivia could barely control herself as she began to pull at Elliot's boxers. Without breaking their kiss, he removed her bra with one fluid motion. He caressed her gorgeous breasts. She was still way too thin, but Elliot didn't want to make Olivia feel self conscious. He could feel his erection growing stronger.

Olivia wrapped her legs around his waist as he thrust deep within her. He slid in and out of her with a rhythmic motion. She felt her orgasm building. She moaned with pleasure as she and Elliot climaxed together.

The two woke up the next morning still naked, wrapped in each other's arms. Both Elliot and Olivia were glad to officially be more than "just partners." Olivia wanted to stay in bed and study Elliot's perfect form. Elliot's eyes fluttered open and he pulled Olivia tighter. They laid together for a few more minutes until getting ready for work became inevitable. "Until tonight Liv," Elliot said as he gave her another kiss on the cheek. Olivia could feel the heat building between her legs just thinking about it.

Olivia longed to go back to work. She couldn't take being home while the rest of the world went on without her. The loneliness was eating her up inside. She hated waiting for Elliot to come home to feel alive again. She visited work a few times a week, but it didn't fill the void. She desperately wanted to cut, but tried to resist. In the end, the urge to cut won. Her loneliness, anxiety, and frustration flowed out of her body with each droplet of blood that flowed from her skin. She knew she should have felt remorse for what she did, but all she could feel was relief. She was still cutting herself regularly, but hadn't mentioned it to Elliot or her therapist. Truth be told, she wasn't sure if she wanted to stop. Olivia was more cautious now; after she finished, she cleaned her wounds with antiseptic gel. She didn't want a repeat blood infection.

Later that afternoon, Olivia met up with Casey for lunch.

"How have you been Liv? I miss seeing you everyday."

"I don't like being home Case. It's kind of like being in prison, but without the bars. I don't know what to do with myself all day. I mean yeah, I go to therapy, see my nutritionist, and check in with Melinda. I run a few errands. But other than that my life is empty. Sitting around doing nothing isn't helping at all."

"You really think you're ready to come back?"

"I do Casey. But Melinda won't sign off until I gain a few pounds. I've never had a hard time gaining weight until now. I have no appetite. I have to force myself to eat. The worst part is that I lie to my nutritionist about what I eat. The woman is a food nazi."

Casey smiled. "I know it's a pain Liv, but it will all be over soon."

Olivia noticed Casey was playing with her food. She had only eaten a few bites from her plate.

"Casey, you can't fool me. I know you aren't eating either."

"I'll admit it. I'm not. I've been really depressed lately. I've felt off since losing the baby. I haven't been on top of my game at work either. I feel like I'm living in a fog. I put in for some vacation time, but it got denied. There are too many high profile cases coming up. I don't know how I'm going to continue to suffer through day to day. Sometimes I want to jump out of my office window."

Olivia could see in Casey's eyes that she was serious. "Casey, have you talked to anyone?"

"I'm in therapy three days a week. I'm taking Wellbutrin, and some sleeping pill, but I just don't feel any different. I don't think all the drugs and therapy in the world can help you if it's your life situation that's making you miserable. It sucks Liv. Nick is off in Miami. I miss him more then I thought I would. Then the miscarriage, it's too much all at once. I feel like I'm drowning sometimes." Tears were rolling down Casey's cheeks.

"Casey, I know I'm not the poster child for mental health, but you know I'm always here for you. I don't want you to go down the path I just returned from. Seriously Case, if you need me day or night, just call or stop by. I know exactly what you're going through.

Olivia knew Casey was going through a crisis. It was written all over her face. Even her facial expression had changed. She looked distraught. She was pale. Her eyes looked dead. She hoped Casey wouldn't snap under all of the pressure she was under, emotional, work-related, and otherwise.

As Olivia was walking home from lunch, she wondered about all the people around her who tried to live their everyday lives as if everything was fine, but were secretly crumbling inside. It seemed like everyone had their hidden demons that they desperately tried to cover up. She wondered what her co-workers were hiding. She stopped into Duane Reade on her way home. Her period was due any day now, and she needed to pick up some supplies. As she stood on line to pay, she wished she could look into people's minds and read what they were thinking. She realized maybe Huang's job wasn't so bad after all. As she stood on line to pay, she wished she could look into people's minds and read what they were thinking. She realized maybe Huang's job wasn't so bad after all. He could read people, and get into their heads. She wondered how much he really knew, but was never told.

She cancelled her therapy appointment that evening. She lied to the receptionist and told her she was ill. She was suddenly very tired, and wanted to lay in bed and take a nap. Her eyes were so heavy she could barely stay awake. She hadn't done anything to exert herself. She didn't know where her sudden fatigue came from. She was hoping Elliot would be home relatively early that evening. Hearing Casey talk about losing Nick made her want to hang on even tighter to Elliot. She had waited so long to be with him she couldn't stand the thought of losing him. Before she could give it another thought, she had fallen asleep.

The phone rang when it was already dark outside. Olivia was in such a sound sleep that it took her a minute to realize what the ringing sound was.

"Benson," she answered groggily.

"Liv, it's me. Were you sleeping?"

"I, uh, don't know, I guess," she mumbled incoherently.

"Are you okay, you don't sound like yourself."

"Yeah, just tired," she mumbled.

"Munch and I are on a stake out. I don't know if I'll be home tonight. You gonna be okay by yourself?"

"I'll be fine El. Be careful out there."

"Did you eat yet?"

Olivia looked at the clock on the table. It read 7:30.

"Yeah, I had some Thai, "she lied."

"Good. If you need anything, just give me a call. I'll check up on you later."

"El, I think I'm just gonna go to bed. I'm really tired."

Elliot was concerned. Olivia wasn't normally tired so early in the day, and she rarely went to bed before midnight.

"You sure you're feeling okay?"

"Don't worry El, I'm fine. Just tired. I'll see you when you get home."

"Okay Liv. I love you."

"Love you too," Olivia mumbled as she closed the phone and began to fall asleep again. Within two minutes, Olivia was sound asleep again.

please send me some review love! I'm hoping to finish this story in the next few chapters, but if I don't have readers anymore, its not worth my time. Please please review!