srry i havent updated in like 4ever, i had finals! grooaann!

Jade POV

Shit, shit, shit! He knew! How did he know? He had to have known before we started making out because he wouldn't be so calm if he hadn't.

"Uhhhhh..." I stuttered not knowing what to say. He looked at me in this way that made me want to kill myself, he made me feel so bad like I was hurting him. I thought I was only hurting myself. There had to be something I could say, some excuse or I don't know...something.

"Ummmm..." I tried. His eyes made me want to...what? Scream? Cry? Run Die? (hey that rhymed) Boy, this was awkward. "Beck I..." I trailed off and then he just let go of me and turned around. "I don't...Beck-it's not like-I've only...I'm...sorry?" I said jumbling my words.

"Why?" He said turning back to face me quickly. I opened myself to say something but nothing came out. Instead, I burst into tears. Why did I do it? Because I felt horrible about myself, nobody loves me, I always loose. I just sobbed and then Beck put his arms around me. He kissed me, a deep strong passionate kiss filled with...love. I cried into his shoulder.

"I...just..." I started in between tears. I wished this had never happened. I wished Beck and I had never fought and I hadn't felt the need to pick up that stupid razor.

"Shhhhh..." Beck whispered in my ear.

"I'm sooo sorry!" I sobbed.

"I know, it's OK." He whispered. He picked me up and brought me to his bed/couch and laid me down he laid next to me and put his arms around me. I snuggled up close to him and continued to cry for another hour. The whole time thinking about how stupid I was and how messed up everything was. I just wanted my dad to love me, tori to never have come here, and to just be like everyone else. Why did everything have to be so hard? I just wanted to have parents that didn't hurt me. They didn't even need to love me, just not to hurt me. I know I sound bipolar because I just said I wanted love but as I laid here with Beck I realized that the only love I needed was from him. So was that too much to ask? For my parents to not hurt me? I felt like I was in a bubble, a bubble that kept shrinking around me and I wasn't allowed to touch it because if I did it would pop. But how could I not touch it? It's one of those things that's just not possible. I know I'm jealous of Tori but her life is sooo perfect. She had parents that loved her, every boy wanted to date her, and she got all the leads in the school plays. Couldn't I have just one of those things?

When my crying calmed down a little he stroked my back and played with a strand of my hair.

"Why?" He asked again.

"Why not?" I replied, feeling the tears come back.

"Don't say that." He said tightening his grip on me. He kissed my neck and whispered "You can tell me anything," against my neck.

"I feel horrible." I choked out.

"Why?"

"I feel unloved."

"I love you."

"You're one person."

"Cat cares about you."

"Two people, oh joy."

"Come on, Andre even cares about you and so does Robbie."

"My parents hate me."

"Two people, oh joy." He mimicked.

I laughed, for the first time in a while.

"Tori even slightly cares about you." He continued.

I hit him.

"Sorry," He said quickly. "When'd you start...you know."

"When I left your house after our fight. I got home, my dad hurt me, I thought you didn't love me."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. It's my fault for being weak and stupid."

"You're none of those things. You're the smartest and strongest person I know."

"A smart person doesn't hurt themselves. A strong person can handle no love."

"Everyone needs love."

"I hate this."

"What?"

"My life."

"That's not true." He protested.

"Yes, it is." I argued.

"Does this have anything to do with the play?"

"A little." I said quietly debating how to answer.

"Nothing's gonna happen between Tori and I."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Thank you."

"Can I ask you something?" He asked after a couple minutes.

"What?"

"Do you hate yourself?"

"Yes." I said quietly.

"Why?"

"I feel imperfect."

"Nobody's perfect."

"Stop with the Hannah Montana."

"It's true though."

"I don't deserve you, or anything."

"That's not true. You deserve sooo much. You are amazing and beautiful and I love you. I don't want anyone but you. There's nothing about you I don't love."

"My bitchy attitude?"

"I know why you have it, I'd be the same if I was you. Plus, it's funny at times."

I laughed again. He leaned in and kissed me, and soon that turned into making out. He pulled away and said.

"Try to stop."

"I will."

"Tell me if you do it again."

"And if I don't?"

"I trust you, and believe in you."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He took my wrists and kissed all my cuts before returning to my lips. We just laid like that, everything felt...right.