"No! Carver!... Get up….Please, get up!"
"Hawke!"
"No...No, please don't be dead. It's my fault...all my fault!"
"Hawke open your eyes! You're safe..."
"AGGHHHHH!"
"Sshhh you're ok, Lana, you're fine..."
Hawke's eyes suddenly flung open and she bounced upright in her bed with a sharp intake of breath. Her whole body was drenched in sweat underneath her stained shirt. She felt as though she had just run the length of Ferelden. The woman brought her hands to her head and grabbed fistfuls of her hair in a deranged sort of way, fighting back the tears which had been streaming down her face involuntarily as she slept. She never was one to cry. It was several seconds before she realised she wasn't alone. Isabela and Aveline were standing beside her.
"Maker's Breath, Hawke are you alright?" Aveline asked worriedly. Hawke wiped her face and swung her legs over the side on the four-poster bed, tearing off the cover as she did so, not hearing a word anyone was saying to her. She leaned forwards, resting her elbows on her legs and covered her mouth with her hands as the memories she had fought so hard to repress overcame her. Her little brother Carver, lying at the feet of a Darkspawn ogre, blood oozing out from underneath his armor. His body was twisted. It lay at an awkward angle on the mountain floor. The boyish, handsome face he had possessed was contorted in pain as his brown eyes stared blankly ahead, seeing nothing ever again.
Lana felt someone touch her then.
"Hawke?" Isabela asked cautiously, her hand resting on Hawke's shoulder. Hawke looked up at her, confused as to where she was. Isabela was giving her a weird look. Suddenly events from the night before came back to her and she remembered she had stayed in The Hanged Man. Varric had been kind enough to lend her his suite seeing as he had to leave late on business. That had saved her the awkwardness of having to stay with Isabela for the night seeing as her mother had kicked her out onto the streets. Not that she missed her or anything. She couldn't take anymore of Leandra's accusations. If she wanted nothing more to do with her daughter then so be it.
After several seconds Lana shook herself back to real life.
"What?" she asked absentmindedly. She got to her feet and walked over to the wash basin, shaking Bela's grip from her shoulder. Isabela watched Lana repeatedly throw water over her face as though trying to wash away what ever image was etched in her mind. The Rivaini had never seen her distracted like this before. It was a little unsettling to see.
"Are you alright?" Isabela asked, repeating Aveline's words. Lana didn't seem to know where she was or how she had got there.
"You were shouting in your sleep," The Guard-Captain added, also staring after her concerned.
Hawke leaned on the side of the wash basin and gazed down into the water. She felt the stares of the others on her. "Really?" she asked slightly irritated. She dreaded to think what she might have said and decided to pass it off as something not out of the ordinary. "So what...What's with all the fuss?"
Isabela chuckled slightly at Hawke's change of tone, though the look of concern still hadn't disappeared off her face entirely. At least Lana sounded more like herself though.
"Well, this time Hawke, I don't think you were having a wet dream," The Rivaini joked, smirking. Lana turned around to face her.
"Wait! Are you sure?" she replied in a sarcastic tone. "Don't you wanna check my underwear for confirmation?"
Isabela chuckled. "Well, I'm pretty sure I'm right...Though, I won't pass up an opportunity for another peek at your ass."
Lana laughed along with the pirate as best she could, watching the woman's eyes scan her half-naked body appraisingly. Hawke knew exactly what she had been dreaming about and she had no desire to speak about it to anyone. Jokes were great for hiding behind. Humour was great for hiding hurt. Isabela seemed to sense her reluctance to say what was on her mind and went along with her. Aveline however did not.
"Were you dreaming about Carver?" she asked gently, trying to bring to conversation back to something serious. "We heard you say his name."
Hawke's laughter died out immediately. She turned away from them both, feeling her face fall, and began to pick up her possessions ignoring Aveline's question.
You know Hawke, if you need to talk..."
Hawke fought hard not to roll her eyes. She shook her head. "I don't."
Aveline touched her arm and slowly spun Lana around to face her. There was worry on the Guardswoman's face. She wasn't fooled by her bravado.
"Hawke..."she admonished, "I know things get hard for you sometimes..."
Lana sniggered. "As a matter of fact Aveline, things haven't gotten hard for me in a while...I think I've rather lost my touch."
Isabela burst out laughing along with Hawke. She hadn't been expecting another joke so soon. Aveline exhaled in annoyance. The pirate slattern wasn't helping the situation at all.
"For The Maker's sake! I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you," she scolded angrily, "Will you at least give me something back?"
"Aww sorry Aveline, I'm not really a giver, I'm more of a taker you know?" Hawke joked once more.
"Don't worry Big Girl. Things only stay hard for a time...then you feel that sense of glorious release and everything goes back to normal again," Isabela added. They started laughing even more. The pirate had doubled over in kinks now at the look of frustration intensifying on Aveline's face. The Guard-Captain really wasn't happy with Lana's method of evasion and it didn't help with Isabela here egging her on. Lana turned away again, avoiding Aveline's piercing stare before her resistance crumbled, and beginning to put her bottoms on.
"Will you stop making sex jokes?" the redhead pleaded, "With everything that's happened recently it must be hard for you to swallow all at once."
Lana and Isabela were now buckled over in hysterics, holding their sides. Aveline sighed, frustrated with herself now. She had walked into that one with her poor choice of words.
"Oh Aveline," Isabela said shaking her head and wiping her tears of laughter. "Keep trying to penetrate Hawke's barriers, you'll get there in the end." Fresh laughter filled the room once more. Hawke pulled on her jacket and buckled it. Aveline looked furious with the pair of them.
"Oh be quiet Isabela. The last thing this conversation needs is you adding your filth to it!"she shouted. Lana walked past them both and made her way towards the door. The Guardswoman pressed her further. "Look Hawke you need to talk about-"
"No I don't!" Lana yelled back, her joking tone having been worn out finally. Isabela stopped laughing at once and the situation became tense. Hawke turned to Aveline and gave her a look of warning. "I don't need to talk about anything Aveline...What I do need is a drink. A very big one..."
She turned away and continued onwards, descending the stairs of The Hanged Man to the tavern below.
"That's your solution for everything," Aveline mumbled after her as she and Isabela followed Hawke down the stairs.
"Oh, hush Big Girl, all she needs is a stiff drink." Isabela said waving away Aveline's comment. "And me as well come to think of it." She added with a chuckle.
Aveline sighed disapprovingly. "This is your damned influence, Whore! Before Hawke met you she barely touched a drink."
Isabela laughed in disagreement as they made their way over to the bar. "That you know of, Aveline. Hawke drinks like a pro. She can hold her liquor better than I can."
"Well that's not news to me seeing where you spent the night." Aveline replied. That wiped the smile off Isabela's face. Hawke bought them a bottle and poured out three mugs of whiskey. She and Isabela knocked theirs back without question. Aveline took one whiff and set it back on the counter.
"You don't want it?" Hawke asked.
"Hardly," Aveline replied harshly. "Some of us have work to do."
"Fine," Hawke replied annoyed. She snatched Aveline's mug and knocked hers back as well before grabbing the bottle and leading them over to a table. Aveline stayed where she was. Hawke looked up at her. "If you're so damn busy why are you still here? Shouldn't you be off killing bandits and catching criminals?" Isabela laughed.
Aveline gave her a sour look. "If you must know I was bringing this one back from the brig...AGAIN!" She pointed to Isabela. "Spent the night there after yet another bar brawl."
"Well don't let me waste you time then, Captain," Hawke replied bitterly, before knocking back another whiskey. She slammed the mug back down onto the table in anger.
"Hawke..." Aveline said regretfully, walking towards her. She hadn't meant to sound so condescending towards her. She knew there was a lot of the woman's mind at the minute and didn't want to add to it.
"Just go Aveline" Lana replied gloomily, staring down into her empty mug. Aveline stood for several more seconds, wishing she hadn't of pushed her to talk before. Then she sighed and walked off in a temper, slamming the door to The Hanged Man behind her.
"Oh I wish someone would bend her over and stick it to her good," Isabela joked as she watched her go. "She needs that tension relieved big time and the current stick up her ass doesn't seem to be doing the job."
Hawke chuckled, rediscovering her humour once more.
"I'm sure Donnic would be willing," she replied. Isabela laughed and nodded her head in agreement.
"Hmm...You're probably right," she said, "I'd do it myself if she didn't hate me so much. Anything to leave us in peace. I don't think she could handle what I have to offer though. She's too closed-minded. You, on the other hand..." Hawke stared at her. Isabela was grinning back cheekily.
"I'm not nearly as drunk enough right now," Hawke joked.
"Oy!" Isabela replied, smacking her on the arm just as she had done last night. They both laughed. Isabela grabbed the bottle of whiskey and poured them more drinks. Hawke stared down into the empty mug, watching it fill up with the soft brown liquid. Isabela sat the bottle back on the table then knocked hers back in one. She glanced around at Hawke, who still hadn't touched hers. There was definitely something bothering her.
"Look...Without sounding too much like the Big Girl...Are you sure you're alright?" Isabela asked after several seconds. Hawke waved her off and proceeded to down her whiskey.
"You said before you don't want to hear about my problems, Bela... And I don't want to talk about them either." She replied, placing her mug back on the table and standing up. "I need to get h..."
Hawke stopped. She had been about to say she needed to get home. Then she remembered she didn't have one anymore. She sighed forcefully and leaned her hands on the table. Isabela watched her. She could almost feel the stress radiate off the woman. It was a look that didn't suit Lana. She still looked attractive...but in a serious sort of way. Isabela wasn't really turned on by seriousness. Hawke was normally much more exciting.
"Sorry," Isabella said, before emptying the remains of the whiskey in to her mug. Lana stared at it for a few seconds. She then re-seated herself and cupped her hands around the mug once more before tossing the liquid back into her mouth and feeling it burn her throat as it slid down into her stomach.
"Did Bethany get home alright?" Hawke asked Isabela. The pirate nodded.
"You really need to give her more credit, Hawke. She knows how to take care of herself."
Lana sighed. "I know...Can you blame me for being a bit over protective though?"
Isabela said nothing. No, she couldn't really. Kirkwall's Templars were vicious and cunning. They were ruthless in their methods of catching rogue mages. They hunted apostates for sport. She had seen it with her own eyes only recently.
Just then the door to The Hanged Man opened and in entered Varric.
"A jigger of whiskey, Corff!" he ordered loudly, "Stick it on my tab. I'll be over here."
He made his way hurriedly to the table where Hawke was sitting with Isabela.
"Good news, Hawke!" he declared, sitting himself on a stool, looking pleased. "I got a tip last night that someone wanted to meet you. I decided to go instead though and check it out. This dwarf's...a bit shady shall we say. Goes by the name of Dougal. He wants to buy in on the Deep Roads expedition, in exchange for shares of course."
"Really?" Lana asked, looking up. The dwarf nodded and reached into the giant pocket of his brown leather jacket, producing a large amount of gold coins. Isabela whistled.
"That's a lot of gold!" she said, her eyes lighting up.
Hawke gasped. "But that means-"
"That we can get this expedition under way!" Varric finished happily, slamming the palms of his hands on the table excitedly making the coin jingle. Lana mirrored his smile.
"Finally!" she exclaimed, "Go and make preparations with Bartrand at once. Tell him to meet us in the square in Hightown in an hour. I'll get the rest of the coin and the Deep Road maps from Gamlen's. Round up the others as well!"
"Yes Ma'am," the dwarf said, getting to his feet. "Let's get this show on the road! Bartrand will be so pleased!" He took the jigger of whiskey which Corff has left on the table for him and took a few swigs before scooping the coin back into his coat pocket and setting off.
Hawke turned to Isabela then. "So has the sight of gold convinced you to come with me then?" she asked jokingly. The pirate laughed.
"Hmmm...Are you sure there will be more down there?" she asked. "I don't want to put myself in danger for another old boot."
"All most positive!" Hawke replied, "Come onnnnn...don't leave me to handle the Darkspawn on my own!"
The Rivaini sighed, "Ahhh all right," she relented, "If you insist..."
"I do," Lana replied, smirking.
"On one condition!" Isabela said.
"What's that?"
The pirate smiled and ran her hand up Lana's arm seductively. "I get to share your tent."
Hawke laughed loudly. "My tent or my bed, Bela? They are not a package deal."
Isabela chuckled, "I didn't know your bed was on offer..." she swooned, throwing a flirting gaze in Lana's direction.
"It isn't!" Hawke said bluntly, not wanting the pirate's thoughts to go running away with themselves. She laughed.
"Not yet," Isabela joked, "But until then...I guess I'll make do with sharing the tent."
"It's settled then!" Hawke replied. Isabela smirked.
"For now."
Lana rolled her eyes. She got to her feet. "Keep telling yourself that, Bela...I'm going back to Gamlen's. I need to get the coin and tell Bethany what has transpired."
"Are you sure that's wise?" The pirate asked. "Maybe you should send someone else there to pick it up instead."
"Like who?" Hawke asked, "I don't have a choice...I just hope Mother won't be in..." Her face fell for a second before she shook herself together. "I'll see you in Hightown later."
"Later," Isabela called after her.
Hawke exited The Hanged Man to be assaulted by the strong wind. She stared up at the sky. It was clearer than yesterday. The sun was nowhere to be found though and the few clouds that remained overhead looked to be filled with rain once more. She realised had slept most of the day. It would be almost nightfall by the time they left on the expedition. Not that it would matter though. The Deep Roads were in constant darkness no matter what time of day it was. Only night existed down there.
Lana had not realised just how uncomfortable the bedding in Gamlen's house was until she rested her head on Varric's bed in The Hanged Man and immediately fell asleep. Or maybe that had something to do with how much she had drunk. Unfortunately passing out as soon as her head hit the pillow didn't stop her dreaming about what had happened in Lothering. After all, Carver had been on her mind the entire night. It was two years ago to the day and Hawke still couldn't shake the grief that overcame her when she remembered her brother being crushed to death by an ogre. She shook her head, not wanting to relieve it again and made her way up the steps in front of Gamlen's house.
Hawke hesitated outside. She was dreading entering the house to see the reproachful faces of her mother and Gamlen. Another fight wasn't what she wanted, even though she had a lot left to say. After a few deep breaths she turned the rusty handle and pushed the door open a crack, sliding inside.
The normal horrible smell of mouldy cheese and dirty feet was masked by the smell of her mother's cooking. Lana closed the door behind her and froze as her mother looked up at her from over the pot she was standing at. Curses! This was exactly what she had wanted to avoid. They stared at each other, neither blinking. Lana once again felt about an inch tall under her mother's judgmental gaze.
"Where were you?" Leandra demanded softly. Lana was shocked she had even asked.
"What do you care?" she replied bitterly. "Don't worry, I'm not staying..."
She pushed away from the door and walked into the bedroom without another word or glance at her mother. Bethany was lying on their bunk, her eyes pouring over a book their father had given her long ago. She tossed it aside as her eyes fell on Hawke.
"Sister!" she said happily, getting to her feet and throwing her arms around her.
"How are you feeling?" Lana asked, holding her tight and kissing the side of her head.
"I'm fine," she answered quietly. "Are you coming back to stay?"
Hawke sighed. "No...sorry, Bethany. I just came for my things. The Deep Road expedition is getting underway today. Varric found us a backer."
Bethany released her and watched her sister pack her things into a sack, sliding the chest of coin out from under their bunk and placing it on their bed.
"That's wonderful news!" she exclaimed, "I'll get my stuff then."
Hawke looked up at her and smiled. "You're coming along?" she asked surprised.
Her little sister nodded. "I...I don't want to stay here with Mother and Gamlen...I want to be with you Lana."
Lana smiled wider and got up to place another kiss on her sister's cheek.
"I love you, Bethany...What would I ever do without you?" she said hugging her tightly. Bethany chuckled.
"I love you too, Sister. I missed you last night."
"Sorry," she whispered, "But I don't think Mother wants me back...You can come and stay with me any time though."
Hawke released her and began tossing the rest of her things into the bag. When it was finally full she grabbed the sack of her possessions in one hand, stowing the chest of coin under her other arm and balancing it on her hip.
"Ready Little Sister?" she asked, as Bethany put on her shoes. She got to her feet then and grabbed her pack and her staff.
"Ready!" she said confidently.
They re-entered the main room of the house then. Leandra was still cooking at the stove. Hawke ignored her and browsed the new letters which had come for her while she was gone. Bethany began to pack some food for their trip.
"Where are you going?" Their mother asked.
"We're finally getting the expedition under way!" Bethany informed her excitedly. "The Amell Estate will be ours again in no time!"
"You can't both go!" Leandra exclaimed. Lana looked up from her letters then. Her mother turned to her. "Please," she begged, "Leave your sister out of this!"
"This is Bethany's as much as it is anyone else's," Hawke replied bluntly. "She worked hard to raise this money...as did I. Not that you ever noticed."
Leandra shook her head. She dropped the giant ladle she was holding into the pot and approached Hawke.
"Please Lana! I beg you!" she said almost hysterically, grabbing the front of her coat, "You I understand wanting to do this! But leave your sister here where she is safe."
Hawke stared at her mother's desperate expression for a few seconds. For a second she felt a stab of pity for her. Then she realised she only had concern left in her eyes for one daughter. Lana snorted, "It's nice to know you have a mother that cares about you," she said sarcastically.
"This isn't about you!" her mother exclaimed.
"Of course it isn't!" Lana yelled, pulling her mothers hands away from her, "When is it ever Mother!?"
"Please!" Leandra begged again, tears forming in her eyes. Lana shook her head in disbelief and turned away.
"Come on, Bethany," she called over her shoulder, "Let's get out of here."
Hawke opened the front door and walked outside. Bethany approached their mother.
"I'll be fine, Mother," she said, hugging her, "You'll see."
Leandra clung to her tightly, not wanting to let her go. Bethany hugged her back, resting her head on her shoulder. Lana listened from outside as Leandra tried to convince Bethany to stay. She was whispering words of caution and worry into her ear, reserving nothing but spite for her eldest. Hawke felt a massive empty hole in her heart as her mother yelled obscenities at her for disobeying her request. She wondered why her mother had stopped loving her. Hawke had only ever tried her best to please her. Apparently it would never be good enough. A single tear rolled down Lana's cheek as she walked down the steps without looking back. Bethany soon followed, leaving a hysterical Leandra behind her, screaming for her to stay. Her cries echoed throughout Lowtown as the two remaining Hawke children walked into the night.