Isabela's breath caught as she gazed at Hawke, her hand still on the woman's cheek. She's falling in love with me? The Rivaini had only ever had a declaration of love once before and she had run for it, for fear of hurting him. That was a long time ago. This time there was nowhere to run...and she sorely wished there was. She liked Hawke a lot. She had never met anyone like her before and she enjoyed her company. But love?...It always comes back to bite me in the ass, Isabela thought to herself. Things were going to change now. Maker, why did I have to push her this far? We were fine the way we were. The Rivaini realised by the look on Lana's face that she had been reluctant to tell her this all along. But, as usual, Isabela didn't know when to quit, and she had forced her into revealing not only one secret today, but two.
Finally Isabela understood. She could see in Lana's eyes the pain she was causing by persisting to flirt with her even after she had said no. She had wounded her a little without even realising. Oh Balls! Elegant! Isabela remembered, cursing to herself as she recalled how she had left Hawke for her last night, after they had kissed. That was why she was angry with me earlier. Now that she could see it from Hawke's point of view, Isabela realised that her actions seemed more hurtful than she had intended.
The pirate shook her head then. She placed both her hands on the woman's cheeks, staring in to chocolate-brown eyes, wishing she could give her a different answer. She had to make her listen though. It was going to hurt her as much to say it, as it would hurt Hawke to hear it.
"Look, Hawke...I...I was in love once before...and it didn't work out," she said gently, gazing directly into her eyes, "Love is not for me... It's just messy...and I end up hurting people in the end." She ran her hand through Lana's hair soothingly, trying to fight against kissing her once more. Maker, I want to kiss her! It was just going to hurt the woman further when she eventually walked away from her though. And Hawke was her friend. She didn't want this to end badly. This couldn't go on any longer. The game was well and truly up now. It just wasn't fun anymore.
"Sometimes it's unavoidable though," Hawke countered. Isabela sighed in frustration and let go of her, pulling away from her touch. Lana wasn't getting her meaning. She walked to a wall a short distance away and sat on the edge of it, staring at the ground. This wasn't how things were supposed to pan out.
"I don't care!" Isabela replied bluntly, unable to withhold the frustration in her voice. "It can go pester someone else! I don't want it, and I never have!" The temperature around them became colder then, the warmth between them a few minutes before having been shattered by the pirate's harsh words. The look on Hawke's face told Isabela that she had hurt her again. Damn it! The pirate finally understood why Hawke had held her off all these years. She was causing her pain without even meaning to. She always would. It was the same old story over and over. The Rivaini hadn't intended for her words to be so brutal just now, but she couldn't spell it out any other way. Andraste's Ass, she was a pirate, not a lady of the court. Eloquence wasn't one of her strong suits.
"It isn't always up to you, you know..." Hawke said, frowning, hurt by the cold unforgiving tone the pirate had used with her. She shook her head at Isabela's stubborn expression, cursing herself for coming clean. Nice job, Genius, you confessed feelings for a heartless pirate who had been stringing you along from the start...And the worst part was that you knew from the beginning. Hawke exhaled, smiling bitterly to herself. Of all the people for her to have feelings for. And this woman couldn't even look at her for it now. She shook her head in disbelief at Isabela, who was still staring at the ground and then turned, walking back home. I didn't want this either!
Isabela looked up at her regretfully, about to apologise for how cold she had just been. She suddenly realised Lana was walking away. Shit! No! Not like this you're not!
"Hawke!" she called, pushing off the wall and running after her. Her voice echoed in the night, cutting through the deafening silence. They were the only ones in the dark street. Isabela stopped in front of the woman, impeding her footsteps and grabbed both her arms tightly. Lana's dark brown eyes were filling with tears. The pirate could see her struggle to fight them back. The woman never cried. Isabela knew she had pushed her to the limit today though, not to mention left her a massive mess to return home to. Everything was so screwed up and as usual it was her fault. "Hawke..." she began once more, caressing her cheek. "It's just...easier this way. Look, I...I've never told anyone this but...I was married once before."
Hawke was shocked. "That's hard to imagine."
Isabela dropped her head, staring at the ground. She couldn't look into Lana's sad eyes anymore, knowing she was responsible for them. She took a deep breath.
"When I was freed I swore I would never be tied down again." Her jaw hardened in anger. "I was his play thing. After seeing me in the market in Llomerryn with my mother he just had to have me... That bitch sold me off for a goat and a handful of gold coins. She didn't even haggle over the price!"
Lana stared at her sympathetically. She had never heard Isabela mention her life back in Llomerryn before. The Rivaini never opened up to anyone, and Lana knew she was doing it now to try and make her rejection of her love less hurtful. But Hawke still felt her heart break. Maker, what were you expecting to get from this? A declaration of love from Isabela? You knew what you were getting yourself into. Lana cursed herself for opening her mouth. But the pirate had just kept pushing and pushing her. She eventually cracked under the strain. There was no way she could have dealt with another day like today. At least now she wouldn't have to. Maybe there was a silver lining here somewhere after all.
"When you were 'freed'?" Lana asked, curiously.
Isabela nodded. "The bastard took an assassin's blade to the back of the head. I thanked Zevran profusely afterwards...I took control of The Siren and left then." Hawke reached out and tucked her fingers under Isabela's chin, making her look at her once more. Silence fell between them as their faces hovered inches apart. There it was again. That exciting, moment of desire and longing between them that always happened when their eyes met. Only now the chemistry seemed tainted somehow. Neither wanted to pull away, but neither wanted to advance either. Hawke felt for the woman. But she still couldn't see what all this had to do with her.
"I'm sorry...but I don't understand, Isabela," she said sadly, "How is this anything like that?...You came to my door remember? You're the one who is chasing me! Why did you ask me to reveal how I felt if you were going to reject it?"
Isabela sighed. She realised Lana was right. She was usually always the one to initiate things between them. Lana just used to play along. It was a game back then though, and both of them knew it. Now it was...something else entirely. Isabela was the one doing the chasing...but she didn't have an answer for Lana as to why. Not one that wouldn't hurt her anyway.
The pirate's face hardened then. She didn't like how vulnerable she felt right now. She felt like she was being scrutinised by Hawke. The Rivaini stared coldly into Lana's eyes as best she could, trying to distance herself from her once more. "Stop trying to confuse the issue, Hawke...You're not going to like what I have to say, so...I'm going to go."
She gave her one last look, wishing things could just have remained simple between them, before pulling the woman's hand away from her face and walking away. Lana felt so angry that after everything that had just transpired, the Rivaini still couldn't talk to her, even after making her come clean. It just wasn't bloody fair.
"You're not afraid of love, Isabela," Hawke called after her angrily. Isabela paused, listening. "...You're afraid of being loved...Thank you for making me look like a complete idiot today! Thank you so much for forcing me to say how I felt when we both knew you were going to act like this. I hope you have fun with Elegant! You both deserve each other!"
The pirate opened her mouth to reply and then closed it, knowing nothing she could say would make the situation any less painful for either of them. After several seconds, she looked regretfully over her shoulder to see Hawke walking back towards her Estate, shaking her head in fury. Isabela sighed. This was how it always was for her. She screwed up people's lives even when she didn't mean to...I'm better off alone. She then continued walking in the direction of Lowtown, leaving Hawke to pick up the pieces of all the trouble she had caused her.
Lana rested on the wall outside the Estate, trying to calm herself. She was so angry. And she was reluctant to face what was waiting for her inside. Her mother would want an explanation. How do you explain your sexuality though? Umm, penis just isn't for me, Mother...Damn Isabela for messing with her like this!She forced herself not to cry, fighting back the tears which were still building in her eyes. Everyone had been warning her that this would happen. Maker, she had been warning herself for years! In the end it was always going to come down to this, and Isabela had reacted exactly as she expected her to. There was only so much one person could take though. The pirate had forced her into coming clean and she hadn't wanted to. Hawke slammed her hand against the wall in frustration.
"Are you alright?"
Lana straightened up at once and turned towards the doorway. Aveline was standing there, giving her a sympathetic stare. Lana could hear the chattering going on inside and turned away. She heard Aveline close the door tightly behind her, keeping anyone from listening to their pending conversation.
"If you're here to lecture me, please don't," Hawke begged, shaking her head. Aveline looked like she was ready to start and tonight Lana was at her wit's end.
"I don't think I need to," the guardswoman admonished, "You already know what I think. I warned you this would happen."
"Just leave me alone, Av," Hawke said, "It's been a long night and I'd hate to take it out on you."
Aveline could hear the strain in her voice. She didn't know how to comfort her without saying 'I told you so'. And that was definitely something which Hawke did not want to hear right now.
"There's going to be rumours about this, you know that right?" Aveline asked.
Hawke snorted, "At least the nobles will finally have something else to spread rather than just their legs then...I couldn't care less, Aveline."
The guardswoman sighed. Lana never made things any easier with her deflective humour.
"As you wish," the guard captain replied gently. "You know I'm here if you need to talk." She reached out and patted Lana on the back as the woman leaned against the wall with both hands, staring at the ground. The guardswoman then re-entered the Estate to find Donnic and get out of here before the second storm hit, between Hawke and her mother.
After several minutes, the nobles of the party began to file out into Hightown, all talking animatedly about what they had seen. It was no doubt going to be top gossip for months to come. By this stage, Lana was sitting against the wall of the Estate, feeling no desire to move. She could hear the nobles whisper as they passed. Some even made derogatory comments towards her.
"You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Serah!" a woman yelled to her.
"Oh yeah?" Lana called back, "Tell me, did it hurt when you fell off a whore tree and banged every nobleman on the way down... Walk on, Lady before I put my foot up your ass!"
All Lana wanted to do was crawl up into bed and forget about everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours. Instead she was yelling sarcastic comments at bitchy noblewomen. She dreaded the next time she and Isabela would be face to face. Where would they go from here? That was if the pirate hadn't left already.
When the majority of guests had left the Estate(after yelling obscenities at Hawke, which she replied to in kind), Lana finally plucked up the courage to enter. There was only the noblewoman she had slept with and the Reinhardt's inside, talking to Leandra who was sitting on a chair, nursing a mug of wine. Her face was white. Lana approached then with her head down. Maker, it was as though she had done something wrong! What was so wrong with being herself? At least she wasn't fake like the rest of these bastards. Everyone turned to look at her, apart from Leandra who was staring at the ground, unblinking.
"Mother?" Lana said hopefully.
Silence followed. Her mother didn't even look up at her, acting as though she hadn't spoken. Or maybe she was just in shock still. Seeing your daughter kissing and touching another woman like that was bound to be a shock, but she was still your daughter no matter what. That thought never really seemed to enter Leandra's head though. It was so easy for her to just turn away. The rest of the guests gave Lana judgemental stares which wore her down until she felt about an inch tall.
"You've let your mother down, Serah," Emil's father said, disappointedly. "And your family name."
"Oh really? I've let her down? Tell me, Sir Reinhardt, does your ass ever get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?" Hawke replied sarcastically. "Don't pretend you know anything about my family." Asshole! Who is he to judge me?
"You ought to curb your tongue, girl!" he scolded angrily.
"You ought to get out of my Estate!" Lana replied. "And take your son with you because as you no doubt know by now, I'm not interested!"
Hawke sighed and shook her head, continuing onwards, ascending the stairs tiredly. She had no desire to fight anymore. She was eager to get away from everybody and just close her eyes for a second to try to figure this all out. Lana entered her bedroom and slammed the door behind her. She then wrapped herself in her covers, without even changing out of her dress and tried to force everything out of her head as it hit the pillow.
After several hours, Lana was still awake. She hadn't really expected to be able to sleep. Isabela was still in her thoughts. Her mind flashed back to their brief fumble in the room downstairs during the dinner party. If Leandra hadn't of interrupted, Lana had been Isabela's in that moment. The pirate had completely worn down Hawke's resistance to her charms. But something always got in the way when they made it that far. It was probably a good thing though, seeing as to how the pirate reacted afterwards. Suddenly there was a knock on the bedroom door. Her mother entered.
Lana?" she asked uncertainly. Hawke opened her eyes and sat up, surprised. So she hasn't cast me out once again?...Oh, Lana give it time. I'm sure she will eventually.
"What you're not ignoring me now?" she asked spitefully. Leandra sat down on the corner of the bed. Her face was stern.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked, staring into her daughters eyes. Lana's jaw tightened.
"Tell you what?"
"You know what!" Leandra said, her voice getting louder, "Why did you have to embarrass me like that in front of everyone?"
Lana's mouth fell open, her eyes wide. She shook her head, laughing bitterly. Her mother really was unbelievable. "I might have known you'd make this about you!" Hawke replied angrily. "What about me, Mother? Do I ever enter your thoughts? Or do you just use me to get what you want?"
Lana realised then, as the words left her mouth that they sounded just like Isabela. Suddenly she remembered the pirate's words back in that cell in the brig all those years ago: "We're the same Hawke, whether you want to admit it or not". It was pretty much what the pirate had been telling her all these years. That Leandra was only being civil to her because Lana had everything, whereas she had nothing anymore. The woman had used her daughter to get back into Hightown and regain her status as a noblewoman, then lashed out when Lana had 'soiled' her good name. Now she didn't want anything more to do with her. That realisation hurt Hawke more than anything else which had occurred tonight.
"How can you ask me something like that?" Leandra said, exasperated. "I am your mother!"
"When it suits you!" Lana yelled, jumping up out of bed. She began to pace the floor then. "I'm an embarrassment to you!?"
"You were being...filthy with a pirate whore!" Leandra countered. "After everything I went through to set you up with Emil, you go and pull a stunt like this?"
"A stunt!?" Lana repeated in disbelief, "I like women, Mother! I always have. Maybe you would know that already if you paid a speck of attention to me! But all you're interested in is reclaiming your lost youth. The Amells this and the Amells that! As far as I'm concerned the Amell family can kiss my ass! I never wanted to be one of you. Lay all your shit at my feet like you usually do, though! By all means...I'm used to it by now."
Leandra looked furious. "Don't you talk to me like that! And how dare you bring her into this house! She's nothing but a common criminal. Aveline told me!"
"This is my house, Mother!" Hawke yelled, "Not yours! And Isabela is my friend!" (Or was...that still remains to be seen)
"More than friends by the looks of it!" Leandra spat disgustedly. "She was touching you all over!"
"AND WHAT!?" Lana screamed. She was completely loosing it now. "What's business is it of yours who I...What I...UGH!"
Hawke grabbed her jacket and stormed over to the door. Why was she being made to feel this way? She didn't ask for any of this.
"Don't you run away from me, young lady!" Leandra yelled after her, getting to her feet, "You have some explaining to do!"
Hawke turned back furiously as she reached the top of the stairs. "I have nothing to explain to you!" she spat, "No matter what I say or do I'm always going to be a disappointment in your eyes! Well, screw you,' Mother!' I don't give a damn what you think of me anymore! I don't deserve to have you blame me for everything that goes wrong in your life! And you don't deserve any of us, me, Bethany, Father or Carver! Mourn them all you want, Leandra, but in the end that guilt will always come back to you and your failures as a parent! Not my failures as a daughter!...You never wanted to be a Hawke! So go marry some piece of shit nobleman like you were always destined to do and get out of my life forever...because I don't need any of this anymore!"
Leandra's hand rested over her heart and her mouth fell open at Lana's words. Hawke gave her one last look of disgust and turned on her heel, sprinting down the stairs and out of the Estate, passing a shocked Bodhan and Gamlen on the way. With nowhere to go Lana headed in the direction of Fenris' Estate. She needed somewhere to stay and he was closest. Normally at times like this it would have been The Hanged Man. But Isabela was no doubt there, flirting with whoever took her fancy tonight. She would no doubt be burying away her feelings in another's bosom. Fenris wasn't one for small talk, which suited Hawke perfectly. It wasn't like she wanted to relive any of this bullshit anyway. The brooding elf welcomed her in with open arms and gave her a bottle of wine and a bed without prying into her business. After taking a few much-needed sips to drown her sorrows, she passed out on the bed, hugging the bottle tightly, forgetting everything which had transpired this disastrous day and falling into a terrible nights sleep.