A.N. Are you ready for chapter two? It's much better. And has some swear words up the wazoo. I apologize. And again, be prepared for the stupidity.

Enjoy! For the record, I don't hate Twilight. I don't think it's the worst book out there. I don't thimk it should die in a whole, or that I could write a better book than it. I mean, aren't all books a little weird?

Disclaimer: No. (ha ha, scared you a little, huh? No. I don't own Twilight)

Death Two: Don't Diss a Girl and Her Shoes

Edward was showing Bella around his house. She was amazed at everything. Oh, he was so lucky to find her! "And this is Emmett's room. Jasper's room. Alice's..."

But Alice was in her room. Edward pushed open the door. "Hey Alice. Here's...Bella." Once glance at the room, and you could just tell that Alice was having the worst day of her Vampire life.

"What? Oh, hi. Not now, I can't find my shoes!" Alice started to throw her clothes this way and that.

Edward raised one of his really hairy eyebrows. "Your shoes?" Bella was nodding, totally understanding the pain that Alice was going through. I mean, it totally sucks when you can't find your shoes!

Alice nodded frustratedly. "Yes, my shoes! Where are they? I need them!"

"Why can't you just go out and buy a new pair? There just shoes," Edward said in a voice that clearly suggested that he thought his sister was being absurd.

If Alice hadn't been so flustered, she would've totally beat Edward's ass right now. "Because, you idiot, they're my favorite shoes." Alice threw a 700 dollar shirt through the air, landing on Bella's head. Edward brushed it off.

"Alice, you're being really silly right now. What shoes are you looking for? Those pretty red heals?" Did Edward just say 'pretty'? We-eird.

Alice shook her head. "No! Those silver boots!"

Edward snorted (snorted?) and rolled his eyes, steering Bella out of the chaotic room. "Psh. Those shoes are ugly. Don't bother looking for them anymore."

…

"What. Did you just say?" Alice no longer looked for the shoes. She just froze, went rigid, and talked really slow and really low. Bella was afraid to breathe.

"I said don't bother finding the shoes. They aren't that attractive." Edward, no!

Alice slowly turned towards the perfect couple. "You stupid bitch! What did you just say about my shoes? About my shoes?" Bella took a step back, quite afraid of how Alice was acting. Edward stood his ground.

"Excuse me? What – " but he was cut off.

"Shut up, you whore!" She bent down at lightening speed and picked up an object, chucking it as hard as she could at the stupid boy. Bella flinched and squeezed her eyes shut. She heard a loud thud and a rolling sound going clunk clunk clunk down the stairs.

Bella peeked open an eye and saw an Edward with no head.

She stood in shock for a millisecond before her mouth popped open and she shrieked like the love of her life just died.

Alice stood with her hands clenched at her sides, breathing heavily. Then she looked down at the headless body of Edward Cullen, and her eye's lit up.

"Hey, there's my shoes!"