A/N: I have mono and pretty much nothing to do so I thought what the heck? I'll write part 3 early! Enjoy and REVIEW…it's really not that difficult. See that button down there at the bottom of the page? Direct the little arrow thing-a-ma-jig at it and CLICK. Just point and click. I bet even a radioactive spider could handle that.

Reflections

Chapter Five: Goblin's Gold Part 3 of 3

I have to admit, I've got writer's block when it comes to writing poetry about pop-tarts and their place in the celestial universe. Why oh why did I make that promise to Christina B? *sigh* It may be a while before you get your prize, CB. My aching brain refuses to spout out any rhyming lines of refined art about toastable pastry goodies and how they fit into the cosmic reality that is the chaos of our universe and life as we know it.

Thank you so much, Christina B, Kitty O, Daedal, and sarahluvsdwrh for your amazing reviews on chapter four. I want to address three things before we move on to the final part of episode three ("Gold, Snogging, and Gold Snogging," remember?):

(1) Kitty O pointed out that there have not been enough doomish statements in the last few posts. I want to sincerely apologize for my misdemeanor of doom. It was a total disregard for the feelings of my readers OF DOOM. I am so ashamed…I'm like an ashamed person of doom, ashamed of the doomish things I've done. I will strive to turn up the volume on the doom-inator, okay? Promise, cross my heart, hope not to die, stick a needle in your eye!

(2) Daedal: Why thank you. An artist is always thrilled to know their work is appreciated. I've heard that line in a movie somewhere but I can't remember where. I'm quoting something that I don't know what it is… *bites fingernails* Is that bad for your skin?

(3) And Sarah, yes, I do watch Suite life—it used to be one of my favorite shows, but now I only watch it with my sisters. I watch Merlin now. That's what all the cool kids watch. And YES, if all the cool kids jumped off a bridge, I'd jump off too. So there. Also, thank you for the well-wishes and the praise. You made my day. Sadly, I'm doing the next one while I'm sick because I have nothing else to do. Except study, that is, but it's much easier to let the creative juices flow out than to try and make the boring juices flow in, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Now that I have addressed three important issues, shall we move on to more pressing matters…like farting kings and perverted goblins and creepy old men?

Picking up where we left off, Arthur is informing his father that Merlin escaped because he somehow obtained a set of keys. Do they question how Merlin acquired the keys? NO, of course not, because it would throw the whole goofy atmosphere of the episode off-balance and pose a question that could take longer than 45 minutes to resolve. I just thought this was a tad silly.

ARTHUR: Uh…hey Pops. Merlin got away.
UTHER: INCONCIEVABLE! How was this allowed to happen?
ARTHUR: He got a set of keys.
UTHER: How?
ARTHUR: Uh…I dunno. But it's too complicated to sort out right now, and we'll run out of air time if we address this matter, even if it does leave a sizeable plot hole in the storyline.
UTHER: How could you be so irresponsible, Arthur? You know what? I bet you let him go. Yeah, yeah, that's what happened. You secretly like this servant because you think he's all that and a bag of chips, don't you? You want to be BFFs and have sleepovers and gossip about what's up next on Wizards of Waverly Place, don't you? Arthur, how COULD you be so… (continues rant)
ARHTUR: Quack.
UTHER: (screams and faints)
ARTHUR: (does the electric slide out of the room) Boom bam, baby!

Maybe I'm reading too much into things. Or maybe I'm totally awesome. Yeah, I think that's it.

Anyway, when Gaius W. finds out that Merlin escaped, he jumps all over Arthur. He's like, "Escaped? How is this allowed to happen? Incompetence!" Uther and Arthur both just sort of stare at him like his personality has completely changed and that he's most likely possessed by some manner of magical beastie, probably a goblin named Arthur W. that likes to molest poor pieces of gold.

Of course, Uther, the idiot (and NO, this time I am NOT using the word "idiot" as a term of affection, sarcastic or otherwise. I mean it. Uther. Is. An. Idiot. Of. Freaking. Doom. Period.) buys every word. "Of course, my most trusted and closest friend. You're totally right, and speaking out of turn, yelling at royalty, calling us incompetent, not to mention when you slapped my head earlier and accused my ward of being a lying evil she-witch OF DOOM, is nothing to be concerned about. I'm sure that you're not possessed by a goblin or anything; I mean, I know you better than anyone else and this complete switch-a-roo of character is nothing to be concerned about. Did you hear that? It sounded like a quack. Oh, crap, that stupid duck is watching me again, isn't it?" Then he proceeds to cower behind his throne.

Heh. I'm really milking this antideaphobia thing for everything its worth.

Thankfully, Arthur seems to think there's something a little fishy about all of this, so even though he agrees to punish the guards for Merlin escaping (what, does Uther think that one of the guards just handed over the keys?) and search the town for him, he keeps giving Gaius W. these weird glances. This makes me happy because it either means (A) Arthur believed Merlin from the beginning and now he's getting even more proof, (B) Arthur wasn't sure what to believe but he wanted what Merlin said to be true, and now he's seeing undeniable proof that something is wrong and that Merlin was right, (C) Arthur planned this whole thing as an attempt to start a goblin uprising similar to the house-elf revolution Hermione Granger tried to start, (D) he's staring at Gaius W. because he's got something really gross and raunchy stuck between his teeth, or (E) all of the above.

Back at Gwen's house, Merlin and Gwen are trying to decide how to stop the goblin and save Gaius. Merlin wants to sneak back to Gaius's chambers and see if one of his books has something in it, which leaves me wondering why he didn't try that in the first place? Oh, yeah, because this next totally amazing conversation wouldn't have occurred (heehee):

GWEN: (looks very eager to help—good girl, Gwen, help save the day!) What can I do? (Well, for starters, you can stop dancing around the subject of how you feel about Arthur when you're around him. Secondly, stop flirting with every blasted hot guy that comes to Camelot—they're mine (and so is Merlin). Thirdly, you can give Morgana a good, swift kick in the rear. What's that? Oh, you weren't talking to me? You were asking Merlin? Oh. Awk-ward.)
MERLIN: We need to convince Arthur. (Oh, Merlin, you silly, naïve, adorable boy—he doesn't need convincing. He believes you. You guys are BFFs, remember?) Maybe if you speak to him, he might listen to you. (Doubt it. Arthur doesn't listen to anyone. That's why he's called a royal prat.)
GWEN: (looks horrified) No, I can't. (Gee, thanks, Gwen. It's nice to see what a good friend you are. And you were so eager to help—it was all a lie, wasn't it? Lies! All lies! Gwen…you have disappointed me. You'd better have a mighty good explanation for this, young ladies, or you'll be going to reformatory school with Morgana!)
MERLIN: Why? (Yes, Gwen, why? *leans chin on hand in a cool but also slightly threatening manner* Do tell.)
GWEN: After what happened in the council yesterday, I'll never be able to look Arthur in the face again. (This is it? That's your reason? Geez, Gwen, you're embarrassed of farting in front of him? It'd be different if you were the only one doing it, but the king and the Lady Morgana were joining in on the scratch and sniff party too, so it's okay. I still spoke to my youth leader after I did that in church and I never spontaneously combusted. I think you'll be fine. Wimp.)
MERLIN: I know, that's embarrassing. (Uh, Merlin…I love you! You made me smile so big there. Not exactly helping your cause, there, but all the same. If Gwen was part of the Burn Meter 5000, it would be point Merlin right there. Maybe if we just pretended it was Arthur instead of Gwen he said that to? No? *sigh* Fine. No point for Team Merlin.)

Merlin finally convinced Gwen to talk to Arthur by saying that if Arthur likes her, he likes her, "warts and farts and all."

Gwen says that she doesn't have any warts, and Merlin says, "So you'll talk to him?"

Gwen gives him this look that says, "Dwonk," but she does agree to talk to Arthur. Even though trying to convince Arthur of the truth is completely unnecessary because Arthur and Merlin are BFFs and Arthur has something up his chainmail (which we'll learn about pretty soon, ha ha), Gwen's going to go talk to him anyway. Of course, I knew she would. How could she resist Merlin and his adorable face, big ears, perfect smile, and those unfathomably beautiful eyes…? I know I couldn't. Heck, he wouldn't have even had to try and convince me. He'd have one word out and I'd be running to go slap some sense into whoever he wanted me to slap. I might even go all out and go ninja all over their sorry butts. What can I say? What a person will do for love and all that jazz, eh?

So.

This next scene starts an awesome domino-effect series of events that puts me in tears—first from tears of "oh my gosh, he DOES care" and then from tears of pure, hysterical, uncontainable laughter. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Ahem. (heehee, we're getting to the REALLY good stuff now, just wait!)

Arthur is in his room, standing at his window and looking out of it. Hee hee, maybe I'm just strange like this, but the way he's got his hands clasped behind him in a little ball makes him look like he's got a little rabbit tail. But we'll find out very soon that if Arthur's meant to be any animal, it's not a rabbit. (giggle) Gaius W. comes in and Arthur thanks him for exposing Merlin and for ridding him of the "most incompetent, rude, and lazy servant Camelot has ever known."

Now, at first glance, it may seem as if Arthur's just being his normal pratty self. But he's not. He's being his Merlin's BFF pratty self. There's a difference. Not a big one, difference, but still… Not only do we know that he was NOT happy about Merlin being arrested (and he didn't seem too sad when he was telling his dad that Merlin escaped, either), but if you look at his face, he's got this…oh man, I don't know what it is…this…fire or something in his eyes. I mean, he looks like he's about to go all Jackie Chan on Gaius W. If you actually look in his eyes and his "smile," you can see so much tension there that you just know he's gonna snap any minute now and when he does…well, let's just say Gaius W. is going to be S-C-R-E-W-E-D. – that's spelling bee for "screwed."

So Arthur sets his bait. He says in a seemingly casual tone (but again, there's a fire of Gaius W.'s impending DOOM in his eyes!), "When we find him, you'll see him hanged." I bet just the thought of Merlin being hanged makes Arthur's stomach curdle. I know it does mine. And Arthur and I are like-minded, you know. Two peas in a pod. We're the three musketeers minus one musketeer. We are…MERLIN FANS!

Gaius W., the complete and utter moron, falls right into the trap. He says something along the lines of, "I shall look forward to that. Oh, and Arthur – wanna catch the game after the execution? We can hang out and be best buds and do manly stuff together like drive four-wheelers and go hiking and burp. Whaddya say, buddy boy?"

Arthur says that the Gaius he knows would never look forward to seeing Merlin hanged, no matter what he'd done. Well, duh, Arthur. This isn't the Gaius you know. This is the Gaius you know with a W. tagged onto the end. Thought it would be obvious. Well that, and, like Merlin said, he's also possessed by a goblin.

Arthur draws his sword—where does he get them from? He just pulls them out of nowhere. He points it at the goblin and says five words that made me squee like the poor, pathetic, obsessed, drooling fangirl I am. "Merlin was telling the truth." WOOHOO! I knew it! I KNEW Arthur wouldn't let his bestest buddy down! They've still got so many marvelous and magical adventures to go on—filled with monsters and demon chickens and pirates, because pirates make everything better!

Still, I have to question the wisdom of confronting the goblin in Gaius's body right then and there. Why couldn't he go to his father? I mean, I know he probably would need proof, but at least do it when you're not alone with a goblin that has magic and can turn you into a don—oh wait. *giggle* I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Moving on. *snort*

Gaius W. uses magic to make a vase crack Arthur over the head and knock him out. Then he uses his magic to do something else to Arthur, but we're not told what. *tries not to laugh hysterically* But don't worry—we'll find out what he did soon enough. Hee hee.

Gwen knocks on Arthur's door and hears some strange noise. It sounds like of like a spacewalking pig jumping on a trampoline while gorging itself on chocolate-vanilla pudding of DOOM. How do I know what a spacewalking pig jumping on a trampoline while gorging itself on chocolate-vanilla pudding of DOOM sounds like? I just do. Because I'm awesome like that. Booyah.

When she asks if she can come in, she hears that pudding munching, trampoline pouncing, spacewalking pig of DOOM make another noise and she takes it as, "Come on in, make yourself at home. But…pay no attention to the barnyard animal hiding pathetically behind the bed." *snort*

So she goes in and…*snort*…sees…Arthur…*giggle*…uh…sees him…*tries to smother peals of uncontrollable laughter*…his, eh…

Okay, screw it. I'm not going to try to do a big, dramatic buildup because I'm laughing too hard and besides, it's just so funny I'm going to just go ahead and spit it out.

Arthur is a donkey! *no longer attempts to stop laughing, but instead begins rolling around on the floor, laughing so hard that ribs crack but doesn't stop because Arthur is a donkey*

A donkey.

Well…he's not an entire donkey. Just…*giggle* the ears and…voice of said donkey. *laughs even harder* He, uh…he's so pathetic and adorable and…those big ears…and those brays…and…okay, okay, I can't do this. I just can't. The little whine he does is so precious and I thought, I want an Arthur Pendonkey. It can be mine and Merlin's pet after we get married. Awwww! It's just…epic. *snort*

Gwen scratched him behind the ear and he digs it for a little while, but then realizes that he's acting like a…well, like a donkey…hahahaha! Gwen tells him that Merlin is working on a plan and advises that Arthur stay where he is. What? She's not going to take him down to the stables and let him get some grain or drink from a trough? No bridle or saddle or blanket or horseshoes? Okay, okay, sorry. This is just too perfect.

Ha, the only thing that would make this more perfect would be if Merlin, when he finds out in the next scene, if he says something along the lines of, "See? I always told him he was an ass."

Sadly, this does not occur. But that would have just been…EPIC.

As it is, though, Merlin's reaction is still pretty sweet. And by sweet I don't mean like, "awwww, how precious and sweet Merlin is…" (although he IS precious and sweet and hot and MINE!), but I mean like sweet as in awesome. As in…

Merlin has an extremely difficult time in containing his laughter, kind of like me, but he does a better job of it. I don't know how he was able to say, "Arthur's a donkey?" with such a straight face. I mean, I know you can tell that he's barely restraining the laughter but still…I'd be beating my fist on the table and cackling like…like…something that cackles.

Their conversation goes thus:

MERLIN: Arthur's a donkey? (Yes, Merlin, he's a donkey and oh my goodness, if only you could see it! I mean he's got the huge, soft, epically furry ears of doom, and he's going "hee-HAW!" but it's so pathetic and adorable and when we get married, we're going to adopt an Arthur Pendonkey from the local animal shelter, okay, because he's just that adorable!)
GWEN: (trying to be serious) He has the ears of a donkey.
MERLIN: (looks like he's just about to bust out into laughter but does a remarkable job covering it up)
GWEN: And the voice. (tries not to laugh) H-he's braying. (I know! It's soooo EPIC, right, Gwen? I think we need to start a petition to keep Arthur Pendonkey in Camelot! What do you say? Not only can Arthur be an amazing king to the people of Camelot, but also to the various barnyard animals of the kingdom. Hee-HAW! Heh. Okay, I'll stop. For now. *snort* And after you guys get married (you know, before you cheat on him with your buddy Lance), if he acts up, you can just make him sleep in the stable and he'll fit right in! Ha! Okay, okay, seriously. Now I'm done. Ahem. *snort*)
MERLIN: (trying with a little less success to keep a straight face) He's…braying. (I know, Merlin, that's what I said! He then proceeds to burst into laughter. Ha!)
GWEN: It's not funny, Merlin. (Uh, what planet are you from, Gwen the party pooper? It is SO funny—it's epically funny—it's-it's the most epically funny thing of DOOM, that's what it is. So there.)
MERLIN: No, no of course not. Arthur with the ears (and voice, remember? Hee-HAW!) of a donkey. What's funny about that? (uh, I'm going to have to answer your question, Merlin, with a big, fat, honkin' EVERYTHING!)

They both break out into laughter, which made me laugh even harder. It was a great friend moment between the two of them and it made me realize just how glad I am to have that friendship back in the third season. I'm glad the directors took a hint and gave us some more Merlin and Gwen BFFBNABOFAMAABTAEABFFOD moments! (Just in case you're wondering, BFFBNABOFAMAABTAEABFFOD stands for "Best Friends Forever But Not As Best Of Friends As Merlin And Arthur Because They Are Epically Best Friends Forever Of Doom." Either that, or "Bananas Fight Four Broccoli Ninjas Angrily Beating Oblong Ferrets And Making Artificial Androids Bathe Two Absentminded Earmites At Breakfast For Forever Of Doom." Whichever one you think works best in this context. Whatever.)

Anyway, Gwen finally asks Merlin if he's found anything to get Gaius W. back to being just plain old Gaius without the W. part. Merlin says that if the host body dies, the goblin will die with it. So if Gaius dies, the goblin will be forced to leave Gaius unless it wants to die, too.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't this defeat the whole blasted purpose of trying to find a way NOT to kill Gaius? "Yes, Guinevere, we are going to avoid killing Gaius by killing Gaius. Then we'll do lunch. How does Mickey D's sound? I've heard they've got more grease and fat in their big-mac than a professional grease-licker does in all their 600 pounds of body fat!"

Okay, granted, Merlin's plan doesn't actually involve literally killing Gaius, but poisoning him to drive the goblin out and then giving him the antidote.

Merlin has to go back to the secret library room to get the box that the he so foolishly let the goblin out of in the beginning, because apparently goblins can't escape lead and that box is lined with lead. Maybe they're allergic to it? So it stands to reason, if a goblin starts causing you trouble, just pelt it with #2 pencils and you should be fine. And yes, I know pencils are now made with graphite, but they used to be made of lead so get over it. Details, details.

Also, we find out what mischief Gaius W. was up to by spiking Leon's drink at the tavern—turns out it wasn't some sort of acid that made him go all wonky and start trying to serenade his pet chicken with "Baa baa black sheep." Instead, it put all these nasty boils all over his face, which he charged Leon for the antidote. Gee, I bet whenever he does get the gold from Leon, he'll either (A) lick it, (B) snog it, or (C) we're moving into awkward territory again, so let's just leave it at A and B.

Of course, when the time comes for his plan to actually be put to action, it all goes wrong. SPOILER ALERT FROM SEASON 2 (Beauty and the Beast).

Actually, this episode reminds me a lot of the episode where Uther married a *snort* troll, especially near this part in the end. Both revelation/drive the monster out/etc. plans involved someone being poisoned. In B&B (Beauty and the Beast), it was Arthur, and in GG (Goblin's Gold), it was Gaius. In both, there were mishaps—in B&B, Merlin got knocked over the head with a vase by the trolls weird sidekick thing of doom named Jonas and winds up dropping the antidote on his way to Arthur and breaking the vial and spilling it everywhere and in GG, after the goblin is forced out of Gaius, Merlin, while trying to catch it, knocks the table full of potions over and they get all mixed up and they don't know if the one they gave Gaius is the right one or not. Phew. That was a huge, crazy run-on sentence and as an English major, I apologize profusely because I am getting out of breath just looking at the thing. Also, everything turns out fine in the end of both, so you can uncover your eyes now. Gaius isn't dead, and Merlin catches Arthur W., the amazing speck of light, in a way not unlike how Harry Potter caught his first snitch. Yep, in the mouth. Harry's feat was still more epic, though. Sorry, Merlin, but that dive from like 50 feet up and the way he stood on his broom and then nearly swallowed the snitch…that was just legendary. But you're still adorable Merlin. Never forget that. *winks*

So yeah. Wow, I actually managed to sum up about ten minutes (more or less) of an episode in one paragraph (albeit, a long one with a lot of run-on sentences). This is a new record for me, considering I normally spend two or three pages on the first two minutes before the title sequence.

After Merlin spits Arthur W. back into his box, you can hear the goblin saying, "Oh, let me out, I promise I won't do it again." Honestly, after what happened at the beginning of the episode, I half expected Merlin to say, "Oh, okay, here you go," and let the bugger out again. Thankfully, though, our gullible yet still completely awesome wizard seems to have learned his lesson.

And yes, like I said, even though there is a dramatic "I don't know which potion is which" panic party, they find it and Gaius is okay. Woohoo! Gaius W. has finally dropped that pesky W. off his name and I have less to type. Yee-HAW! Or as Arthur would say, "Hee-HAW!" Heh heh. Okay sorry. I'll stop. *giggle*

In the throne room, Gaius (yay, Gaius W. is history!) explains to Uther what happened and assures him that Merlin was completely innocent. Of course, the issue of, "How the heck did he steal the keys from within a locked cell without using magic?" is not addressed in the slightest. Gaius advises Uther to seal the goblin somewhere where NO ONE will ever open it again.

Gwen and Arthur meet as they are walking down a corridor and have an awkward conversation where they talk about what's been going on without actually talking about it, both agreeing to never speak of it again. It amazes me how they skirted around using the words "fart," "breaking wind," "platypus breath," "donkey," or "hee-HAW!" They really are a couple of awkward dorks. Gotta love'em! Unless you hate them, so then I guess you gotta hate'em. Unless you're indifferent about them. They you gotta not care about'em. Whatever floats your boat.

Arthur is training with some of his knights while Merlin and Gaius watch. Merlin is complaining about not getting any thanks for reversing Arthur Weasley's magic, but Gaius reminds him that it was Merlin who let it out in the first place, so he really doesn't deserve any thanks. Merlin says that Arthur doesn't need to know it, and Gaius counters that for Merlin's sake, he'd better hope he never finds out.

Meanwhile, Arthur is kicking some serious knight butt. After beating this one knight, Arthur busts out laughing and the other knights join in. Poor knight. He must be so embarrassed. But don't feel too bad for him. *giggle* Arthur gets what's coming to him. In the middle of laughing, Arthur lets out a big, loud, embarrassing "HEE-HAW!" and his knights start laughing at him! Ha! Vindication!

Apparently Merlin hasn't reversed all the magic yet. Gaius scolds Merlin for not completely curing Arthur yet, but Merlin says, "Just one more day? It's just too good." Point. Merlin.

Gaius and Merlin walk away laughing, and the dragon's voice says, "Merlin," and then the preview for the next episode comes on so we know this one has come to an end—three cheers for a happy ending!

Stats:

Burn Meter 5000:
Part 3: Arthur 0, Merlin 1
This Episode: Arthur 1, Merlin 2
Total: Arthur 16, Merlin 14

Shirtless Arthur Scenes:
Part 3: 0
This Episode: 1
Total: 3

Smirk-O-Meter
Part 3: 0
This Episode so far: 2
Total: 22

So concludes "Goblin's Gold." Tune in next week for my thoughts and extremely contemplative, scholarly, epic and totally sarcastic analysis of "Gwaine Part 1" of DOOM. In the meantime, REVIEW, because it really means a lot to know what you guys think. So review! And then go out and buy yourself something nice, like cookies or a llama that can sing "Happy Birthday," or a bunch of #2 pencils to keep the goblins away. :) As always, thanks for your support and again, REVIEW! (I know, I sound like a broken record here, but hey, whatever works, savvy?) I'll update soon! :D

~Emachinescat ^..^