A/N: Hey, guys, long time, no see, eh? *ducks a barrage of rotten fruit and veggies thrown by angry readers/reviewers* Oh, real mature, guys, I've been working my butt off on my novel and now I've finally come back to Reflections, and this is what I get? Well, at least I know my work is appreciated, eh? Heehee, well, at least I'm back now, and EARLY nonetheless. The only thing is, since I'm early I don't have the whole episode, but I'm going back to the three-part episodes, updating once a week! No more of this tiny chapter crap, I'm back full-force BABY! No more inconsistencies! Whoo! Okay, now I'll stop my blathering and get on with the chapter. By the way, I just started Gwaine from the beginning so you'd have the full first part ot read. :) I wouldn't just skip on down to where the new stuff is, though, because I've added in some more little nuggets besides the funnies that were already given to you in chapter six. Hee hee, enjoy! ;o)

Reflections

Chapter Eight: Gwaine Part 1 of 3

Before we begin in earnest, Auntie Arthur has an answer to give for the brave soul that wrote in to his advice column in a review of chapter seven. Here was the plea for help by a brave woman named TIANNE:

Dear Auntie Arthur

I have a problem I hope you can help me with.

You see...

* bravely stands up *

"My name is Tianne and I am an Emachinescatoholic!"

Oh Auntie Arthur- what am I to do? I can't get enough of this awesomeness- on -toast- with- awesome- sauce literary masterpiece but... * gulp * ... the demands of NaNoWriMo and recovery from the Mono of Doom on the author of awesomeositude have decreed that I shall not get my fix until November.

AUNTIE ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.

...*crickets chirp*...

EMACHINESCAT: Really, Arthur? That's your advice? For that amazing, wonderful, touching review of astounding awesomeositude? You're going to tell her to get drunk? What am I going to do with you?
AUNTIE ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.
EMACHINESCAT: I give up. Tianne: you are epically amazing and I love you to pieces! Here's your fix!
AUNTIE ARTHUR: Can we go to the tavern now? I fear I'm getting sober and I have to face my problems when I'm sober.
EMACHINESCAT: Shut up.
AUNTIE ARTHUR: Yes, Mistress.
EMACHINESCAT: *grins evilly and sharpens machete*

Uh...right. On to the episode, what ho!

GWAINE

Our episode starts out with Merlin and Arthur trotting out of the woods and toward a bar. Wait. Let me clarify something here. Merlin and Arthur are on their respective horses, and the horses are trotting. Merlin and Arthur aren't trotting. My man (aka Merlin) and his super hunky sidekick (Arthur) do not trot. ((Oh, and yeah, I went so far as to call Artie a sidekick but the show IS called "Merlin" so what now, Team Arthur? *ducks to avoid a dagger thrown by Team A's captain* Geez, you Arthur lovers are violent. Gosh!)) Merlin sneaks, scurries, trips, stumbles, and dashes, but he does not trot. And Arthur may strut, swagger, march, run, and skip (come on, you know he skips when his knights aren't around—skipping is fun and good for your pancreas and if I were Arthur I'd skip too), but he does not trot.

So the horses are trotting and Merlin and Arthur are on top of the horses, and therefore are trotting by default.

I think I made that WAY more complicated than it needed to be.

Arthur has his crossbow in one hand. Merlin has a dead turkey or some other such edible member of the bird species in one of his hands. Apparently we are supposed to put two and two together and figure out that either Merlin and Arthur just got back from a hunting trip, or Merlin's new pet, Timmy the Turkey, has fallen gravely ill, and Arthur just put his life on the line in order to find a physician that can cure poor, ailing Timmy of his feather infestation of doom-like proportions.

I personally figured it would be the latter, because I would love to see Merlin's internal struggle as he tries to cope with the fact that despite how far he and Arthur went to save poor Timmy, the bird was destined to die. Merlin would have a heart-wrenching dialogue with Arthur, that goes something like this:

MERLIN: (sniffles) Timmy? TIMMY? NOOOOO, TIMMY!
ARTHUR: What's wrong, Merlin?
MERLIN: Timmy is...well, he's...I...he's...(defeated whimper) dead.
ARTHUR: You sure?
MERLIN: (sniffles) Well...I...I think so.
ARTHUR: (pulls out crossbow) Well, let's just make sure, shall we? (aims crossbow at Timmy)
TIMMY: (lets out a weak, pitiful gobble)
MERLIN: Arthur, wait, he's—
ARTHUR: (is in the zone, and doesn't hear Merlin—shoots Timmy)
TIMMY: (dies)
MERLIN: (whimpers)
ARTHUR: (pats Merlin on the back) There. Now you know for sure he's dead.
MERLIN: (glares at Arthur) Timmy...
ARTHUR: It's okay, Merlin, I know you're upset. But don't worry, I know exactly what will make you feel better after your bird-buddy's untimely and horrible death at my uncaring hands—let's go to a tavern and get ourselves drunk out of our minds—always makes me feel better when I kill turkeys on the hunt.
MERLIN: (enthusiastically) Okay!

That would explain all of the context clues we've been given: (1) Arthur with his crossboy out, (2) Merlin with a dead turkey, and (3) their arrival (where they are not trotting) to a tavern. See? Perfect logic. Tell me you didn't think that was how the episode was going to begin.

Then Arthur the Prat-Master decides to dash all my hopes and expectations for the episode by turning to Merlin and saying, "Do you know what you need after a hard day's hunt?"

Darn. So there was no Timmy the Turkey. Unless the turkey Arthur shot on the hunt and made Merlin carry was actually named Timmy, which would be a real (and awesome) coincidence.

By the way, did you know that Colin Morgan (Merlin) is a vegetarian? Sorry, random.

Merlin's response is, "Sleep." I don't blame him. Hunting makes me tired, too. I don't hunt. But writing about Arthur and Merlin hunting makes me exhausted, so I can only imagine how tired those two are.

Arthur has other ideas. "A nice, cold tankard of mead."

Ah, so even though the Timmy the Turkey scenario didn't happen, Arthur's solution is still "get drunk." Hm. That's interesting...I wonder what other advice Arthur can give...

MERLIN: Arthur, I just got shot by the enemy's crossbow. I think I'm dying. What do I do?
ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.

UTHER: Arthur, that duck is following me again. It's watching me, I know it! What can I do?
ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.

SIR LEON: Arthur, Cenred's men are attacking the kingdom from the east, M&M are attacking from the west. Mordred is using a plastic kiddy spoon from his Happy Meal to tunnel under the city walls. The Existential Dragon is attacking from the air. We're surrounded on all sides. Camelot is about to fall. What should we do?
ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold, tankard of mead.

EMACHINESCAT: Arthur, I need help with my Algebra homework. What is the square root of pi?
ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.
EMACHINESCAT: *facepalm*

MORGANA: Arthur, there's a crazed fan-fiction writer stalking me and sending me nasty letters that call me an evil lying she-witch of DOOM and threatening to kill me with a blunt butter knife! I'm scared, what do I do?
ARTHUR: Heh, good for her, serves you right you nasty...uh, I mean, get a nice, cold tankard of mead.

So there you have it. Auntie Arthur's Advice Column—write in if you have a question, and he'll answer in all his wise wisdom and knowledgeable knowledge and junk.

So anyway, as Arthur and Merlin dismount, Arthur says that there's no better place to measure the mood of your people. Uh...how's that again, Arthur?

If I wanted to measure the mood of my people (and yes, I do have people, they're just invisible), I'd go somewhere where they aren't, I dunno, drunk out of their minds. I mean, I've never been drunk myself (and heaven help me and anyone else near me if I ever DO somehow manage to consume an alcoholic beverage), but don't people say a load of crap that they don't mean half the time when they're drunk? Either that, or they get really philosophical. And friendly. At least, that's what I've heard.

So if they go into the tavern and a big, hairy, drunk guy says, "I'm in a pink, flowery, sunshiny mood and I want to find a goldfish named Frannie to coddle and snuggle," is that REALLY an accurate measure of his mood? I sure hope not, for Frannie the Fish's sake.

Anyway, Merlin seems to have the same reservations I do—he says, "This is one of those moments where I tell you something isn't a good idea but you ignore me, isn't it?" I'd say that calls for a point to Merlin. Pretty sassy if you ask me. I can be sassy too. Merlin and I have so much in common. That's why we're gonna get married. Once we're legally betrothed, we'll spread our likeminded sassiness throughout Camelot and Narnia and Hogwarts and D'hara and Candyland and Arkansas. We'll be known everywhere as the Sassyfrass Kids. Okay, forget this, it's going beyond the realm of stupidity. It's borderline idiocy.

Uh, where was I?

Right. Merlin got a point for his sassy comment to Arthur. And the conversation/witty banter of doom ensues thusly:

ARTHUR: (grins) You're learning, Merlin. Slowly, but...you're learning. (Oooh, good one! Point Arthur.)
MERLIN: (makes a face) Stupidhead. (No, Merlin didn't call Artie a stupidhead. But that would've been pretty epic.)
ARTHUR: Now, remember, in here, you're not my servant. (What is he, then? Your friend? Your distant cousin five times removed? Your pet platypus? Or your father's cousin's uncle's brother's first grade teacher's mother-in-law's ex-plumber of DOOM?) I'm just a simple peasant like everyone else. (A simple peasant? So stereotypical, not EVERYONE is a peasant. There's the jocks and the cheerleaders and the emo kids and the nerds, too—seriously. Ever noticed the high school hierarchy in Camelot? Jocks- Arthur and the knights. Cheerleaders- Gwen and every other girl who falls for the prince. Emo kids- Merlin (okay, so Merlin's not an emo kid but he played one in Dr. Who, well Colin did anyway, so it still counts) Nerds- Gaius. Evil lying she-witches of apocalyptic portions OF DOOM- Morgana and Morgause, the bad, rotten bag of M&Ms. Sorry. Another rabbit trail.)
MERLIN: (smirks—oh, no, how he's doing it too! Oh my gosh, it's contagious—Smirky's Syndrome is spreading sporadically! (try saying that five times fast) Curse Morgan for spreading her smirkiness. At least Merlin looks adorkable smirking though. Morgana just looks like she has gas.) The simple part's right. (OOOH, Boo-Yah! Point to the Merlin-ator, the Mervolous Merlin, the Mer-Man (and no he's not part fish. But if he was, he would be an epically awesome half-fish of doom.))
ARTHUR: What?
MERLIN: I said, "The sun is very bright." (Suuuure you did, Merlin.)
ARTHUR: (squints up at the sky) Yeah, yeah it is. (Heehee, I love Arthur but he can be a bit thick at times, bless him.)

They enter the tavern, and what do you know? It's full of a bunch of loud, drunk people. Alright, Arthur, old buddy, get out your measuring tape and get to work. I want you to have the mood of your people measured accurately by the end of this episode. And if you don't, I'll take five points from Gryffindor. Oh wait. Crap...crossover.

When they sit down at a table, a barmaid comes up and asks for their order. Before Arthur can even get it out, though, the woman interrupts. Her interruption goes like this: "Mmmm...you're a handsome fellow."

Wow, forward there, aren't we, Ms. Flirty McFlirts-A-Lot? Gosh, you're almost as bad as Gwen...oh whoops, I forgot...she's not a flirt, she's just a nice person and everyone loves her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And no, I'm not jealous that she has gotten to kiss Lancelot, Arthur, and Merlin. Not. At. All. *twitches* ((Seriously, can I please switch places with Angel Colby for one day? I mean, she's kissed that Santiago guy, Bradley James, and *faints* Colin Morgan.))

Arthur, being the wonderfully modest fellow that he is, responds with, "Well, you wouldn't be the first to say..."

Wow. Arthur. *puts face in hands* You really are quite the humble charmer, aren't you?

ARTHUR: Well, you wouldn't be the first to say that.
EMACHINESCAT: That was SARCASM, you idiot! Geez, despite your strategic and witty, often sarcastic mind, you have really got to be the thickest bonehead I've met sometimes.
ARTHUR: Well, you wouldn't be the first to say that.
EMACHINESCAT: Uh...Arthur...that wasn't a compliment.
ARTHUR: Well, you wouldn't be the first to say that.
EMACHINESCAT: What the...? *rolls eyes* Oh, never mind. I think he's doing this just to annoy me because I made fun of his advice column earlier. REAL MATURE, AUNTIE ARTHUR! Princes, they're such divas. Honestly. Ppphht.

Uh, back to the plot.

When Arthur so modestly tells the barmaid that she's not the first to say that he's handsome, he gets BURNED so bad that his deluded daddy and she-witch sister said, "OWIE, that's HOT!" The barmaid looks seductively at Merlin and says, "Oh sorry...I was talking about your friend here."

HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, man, Arthur, you just got SERVED (and not the nice, cold tankard of mead like you were hoping for, either, hehe). How does it feel, my arrogant yet hunky friend, to finally have someone tell you that your manservant is the cutest thing on the face of this earth? What now, Team Arthur? What do you have to say about that? *screams, runs, and ducks as flaming arrows are shot at me* Oookay. Moving on.

After she leaves, Merlin gives Arthur a look and says that he was wrong, that it was a great idea coming here. Another point for Merlin, attaboy!

Then the door to the tavern opens and this big, burly, scary looking dude walks in and (heeheehee) we get our first glimpse of Gwaine as the gorgeous man turns in his chair to see who just entered. *faints*

Gwaine's here! Gwaine, hi Gwaine! Hey Gwaine, when you're done being on Merlin, why don't you come over to my place and we'll have a party for awesome people? Merlin, Lance, Arthur, and Jack Sparrow will be there too and we'll have microwavable burritos and pixie sticks and we'll play Twister and watch scary movies like Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (what? That movie scared the crap out of me when I was little, and I've refused to watch it since.)

So the guy comes in and basically tries to rob the place, pulling a knife on Mary, the barmaid that flirted with Merlin (I would've been jealous but I was too busy laughing at the incredulous look on Arthur's face, haha). Arthur comes to her rescue (despite being an arrogant prat sometimes, he's an awfully good person that always wants to help people—remember, just because I give him a hard time doesn't mean I don't like him. I do—I invited him to the party for awesome people, didn't I?).

The guy tries to punch him, Arthur ducks and shoves him into a wall. The guy is all like, "I'm going to make you pay for that." What? So he's going to steal Arthur's lunch money? Wow, what a typical bully, I'm telling you, Camelot is really just a high school in disguise. Oh wait...what's that? Oh pay for that, he wasn't saying he was going to steal Arthur's money, but he's going to get revenge for that...Oooh, okay. *giggles* Whoops. Silly ol' me.

So anyway, when he says, "I'm going to make you pay for that," Merlin, in all his big-mouthedness, chuckles and says, "I'd like to see you try." Oh dear. This can't bode well for Merlin and Arthur. Hasn't Merlin ever heard of Murphy's Law? Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. It's the way the universe works. It's the same type of situation as when someone says, "This has been the worst day ever." And then their companion will say, "Well, at least it's not raining." And then, lo and behold, even if it is the sunniest day planet Earth has ever seen with not a trace of clouds in the sky, the heavens will open up and not only will it rain, but it will storm, and more than likely someone will get struck by lightening and twitch a lot. It's just the natural order of things. Don't say anything is going good, or say that you'd like to see someone try to do something, because the universe delights in proving you wrong. Just in case you still don't understand the full concept of Murphy's Law, here is a little dialogue that I thought up to help illustrate it for you:

ARTHUR: Ah, Father! How has your day been?
UTHER: Fabulous. I've burnt three of our most productive citizens, hung a couple of people that were sick but suddenly got well again too quickly for it not to have been magic, and drowned some innocent children. It's been quite a lovely day, and not a duck in sight. I'm telling you, Arthur, things have never looked so good. Nothing can spoil this incredible day for me! (The heavens open up and bucket loads of ducks fall from the sky and start staring at Uther.)
DUCKS: Quack.
UTHER: (squeals like a little girl and jumps into Arthur's arms. Faints.)
ARTHUR: You were saying?

See what I mean? Maybe I over-explained it a bit, but all I'm trying to say here is not to tempt fate. This is what Merlin just did by saying, "I'd like to see you try."

The big bald ugly dude, who we find out later is named Dagr, whistles and about twenty or so other rough, tough, destroy the world type men come into the tavern and stand ready to attack. Arthur shoots Merlin a withering glare and says, "You had to open your big mouth, didn't you, Merlin?" Thank you, Arthur—sometimes I think you are justified in saying "Merlin, you idiot." I love the kid (a lot) but he does need to learn when not to talk (I can't say much, though, because I still haven't learned that myself, heehee). So yeah, point Arthur for that lovely bit of sarcasm.

And then...DA DA DA DAAAAAA—Gwaine enters the scene and I faint from his amazingness of DOOM! Seriously, this guy should just be able to go up to someone he doesn't like, smolder at them a bit, and they would faint or spontaneously combust from the sheer gloriousness that is Gwaine.

GWAINE: (swaggers into the shot with a tankard of mead in his hand (apparently he, too, has been writing for advice to Auntie Arthur)) You two have got yourselves in a bit of a pickle...haven't you? (Yes, Gwaine, they're in a pickle but they need to get out of that pickle and only your incredibleness can help them break out of the pickle—because they can't very well pick up Lance and accompany you to my awesome people party if they're inside of a smelly Dill Pickle (yes, I happen to HATE pickles) and then we'll only have two people for full contact Twister and that's no fun!)
ARTHUR: You should get out of here while you have the chance. (No, Arthur, stop being so noble and let Gwaine the Gorgeous get you out of that pickle!)
GWAINE: You're probably right. (Takes a swig of the mead, hands it to Dagr, who looks down at it with an expression that either says, "For me?" or "What the heck?" or "No woman will give me the time of day so I bought a hamster named Barbara and she licks my bald head as I'm going to sleep at night." Okay, let me get back on track here (sorry, I'm notorious for rabbit-trails but I can't help it. I have digress-itis.) Gwaine hands the Bald One the tankard of mead, and the man looks down at it with a bemused expression on his face. And then...Gwaine punches him in the face! Hahahahaha! Oh my fishsticks, I LOVE this man! He's got this swashbuckling, Captain Jack Sparrow feel to him, with his love of the drink and quirky sense of humor, crazy ideas! Is it legal to marry two fictional characters in the state of Tennessee? If not, if you could let me know where it is legal, I'll move there and take Merlin and Gwaine with me because I love them both too much for words!)

And then...

BAR BRAWL!

I always LOVE a good bar brawl, with lots of smashing and punching and kicking and yelling...granted, I have yet to see a bar brawl scene that even comes close to matching that of the one in the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie, when Jack was running around, grabbing people's hats off of their heads and trying them on in the middle of the fight, and that ended with Elizabeth smashing a bottle over Norrington's head and the uppity ex-commander getting thrown into the pig slop...

Oh wait. We're talking about Merlin here. Not Pirates. Gotcha.

Even though there has yet to be a rival of the bar fight scene in Pirates 2, this one is still pretty epic. There's lots of kicking, bashing, smashing, Merlin making things fly across the room and hit people, yelling, and, of course, the customary bar brawl music to accompany it.

Something I found really funny, though—there was a part where Arthur got grabbed by some dude and was pinned down to a table, pretty much at the guy's mercy. He looks over and sees Merlin in trouble and has enough time to yell, "Merlin, behind you!" and to watch until he was sure that his servant was out of danger before the guy holding him down even thinks about attacking him further. What a kind, considerate thug, allowing Arthur the time to check up on his BFF like that before attempting to obliterate him.

The best part of the brawl (and yes, I know, this is taking a ridiculously long time to even get to the opening credits but there's SO much to talk about and I promised you a whole episode, didn't I?) is something that I just can't describe so I'm going to just give it to you straight up.

MERLIN: (behind the counter, just knocked some man flat on his rear with a bunch of flying saucers (literally))
GWAINE: (runs up, gestures behind the counter) Pass the jug.
MERLIN: (passes the jug)
GWAINE: (takes a swig from the giant jug of mead)
SOME RANDOM DUDE: (runs up behind him about to attack)
GWAINE: Oi! (spins around, punches the guy full on the face, turns back to Merlin) What do they call you then?
MERLIN: Merlin. (Well, that may be what they call him, but I call him Merlin the Magnificent, Merlin the Grand, Merlin the Adorable, Merlin the Sometimes-Idiotic but Always Amusing...)
GWAINE: Gwaine. (I call him Gwaine the Gorgeous, heehee, he shakes Merlin's hand) Pleasure to meet you.
ANOTHER RANDOM DUDE: (runs up behind him about to attack)
GWAINE: (spins around and clobbers the guy with the jug of mead, breaking it and spilling the contents everywhere.) Such a waste, eh? (Runs off)

Oh my gosh, have I mentioned that I LOVE this guy? He's so...*sigh*

Meanwhile, Arthur and Dagr are still at it (gee, for someone who is supposed to be this epic fighter, it's sure taking Arthur a long time to gain the advantage...oh wait, I forget...he doesn't have his sword on him because he's not a prince...he's just a simple peasant like everyone else, well the simple part, at least. Heh.)

But then Dagr decides to play dirty and throws Arthur to the side and while he's struggling to get up, pulls out a knife. Gwaine the Gorgeous immediately intercedes, rushing the dirty rotten cheater and getting stabbed in the leg for his trouble.

NOOOOOO! GWAINE! At this point, I'm hyperventilating, because if he dies, he won't be able to make it to my awesome people party and Super Extreme Mad-Libs just won't be the same without him and his quirky sense of humor. *bites nails* We need a medic here, STAT! *frets*

So they put Dagr in the stocks (apparently they keep a set of stocks outside the tavern just in case someone decides they're going to act up) and sling Gwaine's limp body over one of their horses, and announce to the whole bloody crew that Arthur is Prince Arthur of Camelot and not Arthur the Simple Peasant Like Everyone Else. Smooth move, Arthur. Because you know what? Dagr gets this absolutely livid expression on his charming face (sarcasm was employed here) and you can hear him mutter behind the apple in his mouth, "Arthur!"

I don't know about you guys, but at this point, I could already see that twisted hamster in his head start running its stubby little legs, turning those wheels, as Dagr started thinking of a plan. Uh oh. This can't be good. And now, dear friends, it is time for a friendly little letter to our beloved prince.

Dear Nincompoop I mean Arthur,

I love you dearly, Prince Arthur, but in this episode, you are being quite a dolt. Yes, I understand that you want to reassure these people. But there is an angry – no, scratch that, he's more along the lines of downright murderous – dude glaring at you from the stocks (which you put him in, mind you), and in case you couldn't tell, the guy is positively itching for revenge. So why don't you just go and announce to the whole freaking world that you are Prince Arthur of Camelot? This guy now is going to totally skip over his long and drawn out Facebook stalker plan and get right to the revenge part now that you've so kindly told him exactly who you are, and by default, where you freaking live! Goodness! Please don't take my words too harshly, I mean them with the most sincere love and affection, you ninny of DOOM!

Cheers,

Emachinescat

P.S. - You might want to start treating Merlin a little better. Or Morgana won't be the only one who has got a crazed fan-fiction writer after her with a blunt butter knife. Just sayin'. Watch your back there, bub, cause rest assured, I'm watching it too. *creepy, horror movie music* Hee hee hee...

And now, the opening credits!

Back in Camelot, Arthur and Merlin bring Gwaine the Gorgeous to Gaius's chambers, but instead of putting him in the sick bed, they stick him in Merlin's. Why? No clue. Where's Merlin going to sleep? No clue. Does anyone but me care? Guess not.

Arthur is concerned about Gwaine because "The man saved my life, Gaius." He then proceeds to tell Gaius that he should be given anything he needs. Heehee, something tells me that this is going to be another one of those Murphy's Law moments and that Arthur's words are going to come back and bite our princely friend on his royal behind.

The next morning, Gwaine the Gorgeous wakes up and he is shirtless...and I'm sorry Team Arthur fans, but one shirtless Gwaine is equal to at least ten shirtless Arthurs. I'm sorry, guys, but it's the honest truth. The man is called Gwaine the Gorgeous (mainly by me, but still) for a reason. *sighs romantically*

Merlin enters with a tray of breakfast for Gwaine and they have a conversation in which we find out that Gwaine detests nobles and wants nothing to do with them, even though Uther himself wants to thank him and more than likely give him a reward. I don't exactly blame the guy for that last one, though, because I don't think I'd want to get a reward from Uther Poo-dragon either. After all, Merlin, too, saved Arthur's life and Uther was the one who gave him his reward - "Oh goody goody gumdrops,
Merlin, you get to be my can-do-no-wrong son's manservant. You'll get to clean his room, muck his horses, get shoved around and teased relentlessly by him, be used as a practice dummy, and if you're really, really lucky, you might even get to scrub his dirty underpants! Isn't that exciting?" So it's no wonder Gwaine doesn't want a reward from Uther. He'd probably make him something even stupider than Arthur's servant, like court jester, a pet monkey, or (far, far stupider) Uther's servant. *shudders* Good call, Gwaine, my gorgeous friend. Very good call indeed. Ha.

Merlin asks why Gwaine helped them, and Gwaine's response is, "Your chances were between slim and none. I, uh, I guess I just kind of like the look of those odds." *squee!* Did I mention that I totally love this rogue, Cap'n Jack type, rough tough save the world type man of DOOM (and gorgeousness)? Well, I do. Very, very much.

In Arthur's chambers a little later, we find out that there is to be a melee (and you do not know how long it took me to figure out how to spell that stupid word, and even now I'm not convinced that I spelled it right – even Open Office has declared with its squiggly red lines that I didn't spell it right but I'm keeping it "melee" anyway because I'm too lazy to look it up) in Camelot. For those of you, not unlike me, who scratched your scalps and asked, "What the heck is a melee?", Merlin answers that question and another awesome dialogue between our favorite master and servant ensues.

MERLIN: Oh, yeah. The tournaments where the knights ride around, hitting each other with blunt weapons for no good reason. (Merlin seems rather amused by the thought of this, and I don't blame him. I don't really see the point in it either, but then again, I still don't understand the reason for Twilight or warning labels on irons that say "Warning: Hot. Do not iron clothes while on body," so maybe I just haven't learned enough about the world to say for sure.)
ARTHUR: There's a little more to it than that. (Really, Arthur? Do tell...and while you're at it, could you let me know why vampires sparkling is supposed to be super-sexy? I still don't understand it.)
MERLIN: Really? All I've ever seen is people getting the seven bells knocked out of them so that the last man standing can be called a winner. (Ah, so a melee is kind of like full-contact Scrabble. I gotcha. Oh, and point Merlin for sarcasm.)
ARTHUR: The melee is the ultimate test of strength and courage. (Um, no, the ultimate test of strength and courage is when someone willingly walks into a Justin Beiber concert without screaming and running away in terror.)
MERLIN: You sure we're talking about the same thing?
ARTHUR: I wouldn't expect you to understand; you're not a knight. (Darn right he's not! He's a warlock, and if you would actually just open your eyes and look around you for once, you might actually figure it out, you unobservant hunk!)
MERLIN: Well, if it means I don't get clobbered round the head (snorts), I'm glad of it. (Heehee, don't speak too soon, Merlin, you know, because, as I've said before, you're just going to jinx yourself. *sigh* How come, no matter how loudly I yell at the screen, none of the characters ever listen to me? Ah, well. Point Merlin.)
ARTHUR: I'm afraid it doesn't. (Grabs a tin cup and throws it across the room and it hits Merlin in the back of the head. That was NOT nice, Arthur! But, alas, fair is fair, so I guess Arthur gets a point for that.)
EMACHINESCAT: Arthur, what did I tell you about being mean to Merlin? Do you want me to come after Morgana and you with a blunt butter knife? Because I'll do it. Did you not read the letter I wrote at all? What do you have to say for yourself?
ARHTUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead?
MERLIN: Arthur, that was so uncalled for!
ARTHUR: Your face is uncalled for!
MERLIN: Oh yeah? Well, you know what ELSE is uncalled for? My fist in your face, that's what!
EMACHINESCAT: Oi. *rubbing temples* Do you see what I have to put up with. *marching toward Arthur and Merlin* Okay, break it up, you two. Arthur, stop chucking things at Merlin. Merlin, put down the chainsaw, now, and NO, Arthur, you can't stuff Merlin's head in the toilet! Geez.

Wonder if you guys can figure out what part of the conversation that I added in there. Heehee.

The next scene I'm not going to go too terribly deep into because it doesn't have Merlin, Arthur, or Gwaine the Gorgeous in it. Actually, it's quite similar to the scene in "Valiant" where Knight Valiant buys the enchanted shield from the magic guy and kills him after he takes it.

Dagr and an accomplice (from what I could tell, his name was Ebor but I could be wrong so don't quote me or even paraphrase me on that) go to this black market magic merchant (try saying that five times fast, it's a LOT harder than it looks!) because they want to infiltrate the melee and get revenge on Arthur for humiliating them at the tavern and putting Dagr in the stocks. Goodness, how petty. It's a good thing Merlin doesn't go on a murderous rampage every time Arthur puts him in the stocks, or there'd be no one left in Camelot. Although I just realized – we haven't seen Merlin in the stocks since season two... or was it one? I can't remember if he got put into the stocks any in the second season or not...hmmm... Oh right, as their friendship progresses, Arthur moves on from having a bunch of random people throw rotten food at Merlin and upgrades to personally dumping buckets of dirty water on his head and throwing heavy dishes at his back. He's such a good friend. (Sarcasm OVERLOAD there.)

Okay...I totally lost track of where I was going there. Oh right... Dagr and Ebor out to get revenge. So they get two swords, stalum blades, as they're called, which look blunt but are actually very sharp. They also obtain some magic crystals that, when touched by the blood of a person, cause the wearer to look just like said person.

And then, of course, they pay the guy for his merchandise by killing him with the stalum blades. What wonderful payment. I'd sure want to work for them, they give such excellent wages. I'll bet they put their secretaries on the rack or, if they're feeling extra generous, might give them a raise and chop their heads off. Lovely gents. Real charmers. Forget Gwaine the Gorgeous and Merlin the Magnificent, I want to marry Dagr the Dirty and Ebor the E...E...Elephant? Sorry, I couldn't come up with anything else. Well, I guess "evil" might have worked, but "elephant" sounds so much cooler. Exotic, you know? Okay, fine. Ebor the Evil Elephant...OF DOOM. How's that? Is it working for you? Good, because that is now his name. (Oh by the way, that was 1000 percent sarcasm, I would NEVER marry an elephant. What do you take me for, an elo-phile?)

Alright, so back to the good stuff! Gwaine is waking up yet again (still lacking a shirt) and gets up and stares out the window, gazing at Camelot. Awww, he's a romantic at heart...how precious!

The next thing we know, Gwaine's sauntering down the streets of Camelot, looking at all the pretty girls he sees as he goes along. And then, of course (she said bitterly), he sees Gwen and he is instantly smitten.

I just have to ask—what is it with all of the amazing, good-looking guys falling head over heels for Gwen? I'm not saying that she's not pretty, because she is, but why does every single man on the show have eyes for her? First Merlin, then Lancelot, then (and now) Arthur, and now Gwaine. Is she EVERYONE's type? Grrr... and no I'm not jealous... *sigh*

Anyway, he flirts with her shamelessly, and I must say, he is very skilled in the flirtatious arts. He grabs a flower from the basket of a woman walking by and tries to give it to Gwen, putting it in her hair, and guessing that she is a princess named Esmeralda (uh, are we in The Hunchback of Notre Dame here or something? Because I was pretty sure we were in Camelot) and bows to her. Eventually, after being rejected several times (how could she resist his charm? I still don't understand!), he says something like, "This isn't working, is it?" and she says, "No, but I liked that you tried and that you know when to give up." With that, she takes the flower out of her hair, gives it back to him, and walks off. Heehee, as much as I love Gwaine, I have to say, that was pretty epic, Gwen. Apparently someone has been spending a little too much time with Arthur, the Prince of Sarcasm. Ha. He puts the flower in his mouth and swaggers off again.

Well, since we haven't heard anything from Dagr the Dirty and Ebor the Evil Elephant of Doom in a while, why don't we zoom on over to about a day and a half's ride from Camelot and see what they're up to? I'm sure it's something totally legitimate and productive, like community service or groundhog racing.

Actually...no. Instead, our two bitter villains are attacking two knights that are on their way to Camelot for the melee, Sir Oswald and Sir Ethan. They ambush the two of them, kill them, and then put their blood on the crystals, turning them into exact replicas of Sir Oswald and Sir Ethan—to take their place in the melee and use the magical stalum blades of doom to kill Arthur! This can't be good!

I'm going to call them Oswald and Ethan, but remember, they really are Dagr and Ebor, okay? Maybe I should do something similar to what I did in Goblin's Gold to help remind everyone...

When Anti-Oswald and Anti-Ethan arrive in Camelot, they are greeted by Arthur who seems very happy to see them. Apparently Oswald and Arthur are old friends...well, were old friends, since the real Oswald is now Os-gone, rest his soul. Arthur then proceeds to announce, "This is my servant, Merlin. He loves hard work, so anything you need, give him a call." Point Arthur. At this point, Merlin has a look on his face that says, "Gee, thanks, buddy...NOT!"

This next scene...*shakes head*...poor Merlin. Anti-Oswald and Anti-Ethan really are a couple of big jerks. Like world-class jerks, you know the kind, they relish pushing other people around, making those under their power do meaningless and stupid tasks again and again just to exercise their power over them and cause them discomfort... like making them carry their heavy trunk full of armor (I don't even want to think about how much that weighs!) up seven flights of stairs, and then move it next to the bed, then lug it to the other side of the bed, and then put it on top of the wardrobe, and using their sword to unlatch the trunk while the person they are taking advantage of is in the process of heaving it up there (and more than likely doing damage to their spine and left kidney in the process) and making armor fall on their head...

*breathes heavily, murderous expression of face, and my own stalum blade of doom clutched in my hands* Okay, you morons—it's go-time! I'll show you how to mistreat Merlin, after everything he's done for everyone! He is SO selfless, he does EVERYTHING without ANY thanks WHATSOEVER, and then Arthur, the NINCAMPOOP, decides to trust you with Merlin and you ABUSE that power by forcing him to do STUPID tasks JUST for the sake of making him do it! We have a NAME for people like that where I'm from. BULLIES. Get over yourselves or SO HELP ME, there won't be any more of yourselves to get over! *still breathing heavily, crazed gleam in my eyes*

Stats:

Burn Meter 5000:
Part 1: Arthur 4, Merlin 5
This Episode so Far: Arthur 4, Merlin 5
Total: Arthur 20, Merlin 19

Shirtless Arthur Scenes:
Part 1 : 0
This Episode so Far: 0
Total: 3

A/N: I am back in action! I will do everything within my power to have Part Two of Gwaine up in a week! If not don't give up on me, finals are coming up soon!

Until then, feel free to go play full-contact Scrabble with hobbits or whatever it is you do in your spare time, but as for me, I'm going to see HARRY POTTER! Eeee! Peace! ;o)

REVIEW!

~Emachinescat ^..^