LISA
"Dada, do you have glue?" Lily asked as she bounds into my room. I looks up from my tablet at my little girl who was standing there in her bright pink night gown.
"What are you using it for exactly?"
"If you give me a hundred bucks I will tell you." Lily said, placing one hand on her hips. I pull off my glasses and sets it on the space beside me. I shakes my head at my daughter, if she was going to study law, she's going to become a bloody good one.
I gets up from the bed and made my way into the bathroom. I checks one of the cabinets in the bathroom and took out a stick of glue. I walks back out and hands it to her who just grabs it and walked out of my room.
It was just a bit past eight and I had already fed Luca, all that was left was the Chinese food I had ordered to be delivered. There was a short knock on the door just as I was about to pick up my tab again. This time Lego walks in.
Seeing Lego wall into my room was a bit of a shock to me. In the last two years, Lego has tried actively not to be in the same space as me. So watching his walk into my room just transports me back to a time where Lego was little and would run up me any time I would walk into the house after a long day at work.
Lego would just stick to his leg until I would pick him up. Now here he is, no longer nine but eleven, his hair no longer blonde by dark like Jennie's.
"Lego..."
"What are you doing with Dada?" He asked. My son was in a large hoodie and sweatpants, his hair all over the place.
"What?"
"What are you doing with Mommy?" He repeats, he's standing a fair bit away from me, both hands pushed into the pocket of his hoodie.
"We are friends." I said honestly. I was trying my best to always say what I wanted to. My lack of communication between myself and my family was what led to our break and all I wants is to mend the crack, to fix the fence.
"Why?"
"Because your mother means so much to me. I'd rather have her as a friend than not have her at all." I replies honestly.
"She didn't mean so much to you when you cheated?" Lego pulls his hands out of his pockets and crossed them across his chest.
"I love your mother. I always have and always will. I let my anxiety take over and I didn't talk to your Mom. I didn't want her to see me as weak. I thought I had taken youre Mom away from something she loved doing, I thought I didn't deserve her because I made her stay at home, instead of going out and working on books like she loves doing. I didn't know how to bring it up and I tried to push my guilt onto something else."
"Did you love her? This Somi person." He asked, staring right at my face. Trying to search for any sign that might tell him I was lying.
"I never did. She just... reminded me of youre mom. I kept trying to push the guilt away and I used Somi as an escape room."
"Why didn't you just talk to Mom or one of us?"
I ran my fingers through my hair. "It wasn't easy. I'd try to but I didn't know how to put my feelings and thoughts into words. I felt like once I said it, youre mom would realize I was right and she'd leave."
"We still left."
"You don't think I've noticed?!" I snaps. I gets up from the bed and starts pacing. "Everyday I'd wake up and reach out, thinking youre mom was beside me. Everyday I'd buy cereal, toys, books and come home and I'd scream your names. It's heart wrenching and so freaking painful because I miss you all. It gets so bad that I don't feel like leaving the bed some days."
Lego doesn't say a word, he just looks away from me to the door where Kuma was standing. I startles a bit when I sees my eldest watching me from the door and I wonders how long Kuma had been standing there. Could I break down in front of my kids? Is that right? I'm a parent, aren't parents meant to be strong?
I falls back into the bed and buried my face in my hands. I takes calming breaths and looks up a few minutes later. I manages to smile at my sons.
"I wonder what's taking the delivery man so long."
"The food is here already. I wanted Lego to ask what it is he wanted to know." Kuma said and I sighs again. My every growing children. "You trying to change the subject isn't working, just so you know."
"Let it work today, please." I said. I made my way towards the door, smiling a bit when Lego steps closer to me. The three of us made our way to the living room where Lily was waiting for us, a carton of fried shrimp rice already open.
"You couldn't have waited for five more minutes?"
"A hungry man waits for no one." Lily's answer.
"You're a seven year old girl."
"Seven schmeven." Lily said around a mouthful of rice. Teen Titans was playing on the tv screen, capturing Lily's attention. She alternated between focusing on me and her brothers while watching the show.
I dug into my pork fried rice, mentally screaming in glee when Lego hands me the bottle of sauce. This was the most I had gotten from Lego over the years and it feels like I'm finally breathing. I feels a weight being shifted from my shoulder.
We watch tv together, eating in silence, laughing at the funny parts and cooing at the right parts. It has been a while since I felt like this, like I was part of this family again.
I jerks awake when I hears a familiar ping. My heart almost burst right out of my chest when I sees that I am in the middle of a puppy pile, surrounded by my three kids.
There was another familiar ping and Kuma who was resting against his arm shifts a little closer, his head falling on my chest. I used this opportunity to reach for my phone.
Fr[Jen]
you asleep? dang it, it's past twelve. Of course you're sleeping.
I types out my reply phone resting against three fingers, my thumb moving slowly across the screen. Lily was asleep, her hand clutching me with her head resting on my side.
To[Jen]
I'm up.
It's been a good night
Fr[Jen]
The kids treat you alright? Have you eaten?
To[Jen]
Chinese with the kids.
To[Jen]
Lego and I had a talk.
I adds afterwards. I knew the kids were going to be a bit uncomfortable but I didn't want to move, I didn't remember the last time I held my kids like this. The last time they stayed like this. I felt... loved. I felt like I was their dada again. I didn't feel lonely.
Fr[Jen]
That's good.
I smiles at the reply. I wondered how Jennie's night had been. Had she spent it alone or with Jiyong? Maybe Rosé? Nah, the last I hears she was still on her book tour.
To[Jen]
How was your night?
Fr[Jen]
I got myself a boyfriend tonight
So yeah, thing are good.
I lets out a choked gasp, blinking unbelievably at the screen. I was hit with this immense sadness, it felt like my heart was about to give out, my eyes sting with forthcoming tears, hand shaking so much the phone drops to my stomach.
"Dada..."
I tried to pull myself together as I faces Kuma who was staring at me with a small frown on his face. "Kuma, why are you awake?"
"Your hand is shaking."
I looks at my hand, it actually was shaking and for fucks sake, I am grown ass woman. Jennie was single and gorgeous and amazing, of course she was going to get snatched up by someone as equally awesome and amazing.
"I'm fine, kid. Go back to sleep."
"Dada..." Kuma says again.
I places my shaky hand on his shoulder and pats him. "Sleep, Kuku. We'll talk in the morning." It was a silent promise, one that I hoped Kuma would forget come day time. Once Kuma was settled in, I picks my phone back up. Jennie's last message blinking up at me.
To[Jen]
He's a lucky guy
Fr[Jen]
He hasn't met the kids yet and I don't want to introduce him to them. Is that bad?
I didn't know what to do here. Yes, Jennie was her best friend and honestly still is but I wasn't sure if he was the right person I should be talking to about this. I was still debating my reply when another text comes in.
Fr[Jen]
Can I come for one of your sessions? You said your therapist thinks it's a good idea.
It felt like I was on a roller coaster. One moment I was flying up and the next I was coming down hard and then going up again. I was not even sure what I feeling right then, I was happy yet upset?
To[Jen]
I'd love it if y--
I shakes my head, I clears the texts and starts typing.
To[Jen]
I'd appreciate it if you did.
Yeah, that was okay, that was friendly. I stared at the screen for a bit before letting it drop back to my stomach. I looked up at the ceiling, wondering what the hell I should do with my life, with myself. I remembers the first time I had seen Jennie...
Flashback
I was done with algebra. What the fuck was that shit. I had stormed out of my class, ignoring my teacher yelling. My footsteps echoed the halls as I just walked, everyone was in class and it was a bit past ten in the morning. I finds myself taking the school's back door, leading to the pool house.
I pushed open the door and walked in, my gaze falling on the pool, looking so peaceful and the entire place felt serene. I rolls my jeans up and sits with my legs in the water.
I laid down on the walkway, my legs kicking. I jumps a bit when the doors were pushed open, thinking it was going to be a teacher. Instead I see it's a girl. The girl looks to the side and the sunlight flirting through the window gave the girl a glow.
"An angel..." I whispers, my voice quiet. It seemed that the girl hadn't noticed me yet so I just watched her. The girl was still staring at the door as if debating to go back out.
"Well, are you going out or coming in?"
The girl jumps so high, I couldn't help but laugh. The girl turns and stared at me with wide eyes.
"Come sit." I pats the space beside me. The girl doesn't move so I waits, my legs still swinging in the pool. The girl does move after a few seconds and I ran my gaze over her. she had on faded blue skinny jeans, a sweater that looked like it had seen better days and sneakers that used to be white. Yet, yet this girl managed to take my breath away.
"I'm Lisa." I introduce myself when she sits.
"I'm Jennie." She said. "Today's my first day and everyone has been looking at me like I could infect them with something."
Ah, so this was the girl from the Moore orphanage. Everyone knew about the scholarship given out to a bright teen from there and I hadn't known what to expect but it sure wasn't Jennie. I wants to tell Jennie to fuck everyone's opinion but instead what comes out my mouth was...
"I think you look beautiful."
That was twenty two years ago. Fuck, I had been in love with Jennie for twenty two years and I'm damn sure I'm going to still be in love with her till I takes my final breath. I was Jennie's friend, nothing more and friends are there for each other. So that's what I was going to do, offer support, be there and hope for the life of her, that I would be content with the pain of watching Jennie be happy with someone else. Someone who sees Jennie just as I does. Beautiful, strong, amazing, brave and so much more.
To[Jen]
Goodnight.
~~~~~~~~~~