It was late on a blustery Christmas Eve afternoon when Remus ran into Julian, he was passing the market cross in town on his way to get his mother some milk – the one thing she'd forgotten when she had got the Christmas groceries the day before. She was not in the office today, but still had plenty of paperwork to do over the two week break. So Remus had offered to pop out for milk.
Remus had been home for four nights, since his dad had picked him up from the train on Saturday. Four nights where he'd woken up in the dark, worried about what was happening to Sirius at home, he kept seeing Walburga Black's terrifying expression as she'd all but dragged Sirius from Kings Cross, nothing good could come of that. Then, inevitably, Remus would find himself distracted by the thought of Sirius himself, and how he couldn't believe their last few weeks at school had really happened. He'd never thought it would have gone the way it did. This new part of himself seemed easy to accept when it came along with something as bright and thrilling as Sirius Black's affection. But he did wonder if it was going to be yet another thing to single him out, make him different.
He'd always had the little back-up plan of abandoning the magical world and living as a muggle if he was discovered as a werewolf, but being gay was something that would mark him in the muggle world as not the same as all the others. Yet another complication in his already complicated life.
Thoughts of his complicated life, and of the fear of discovery led him to what had happened at the last full moon. He'd tried very hard not to think about what James and Peter had done to him, he couldn't change it now, he told himself, they really were only trying to help. In the week since the full moon he'd managed to squash his resentful and guilty feeling right down into a little ball that barely bothered him now. As long as he didn't think about it. Luckily he had the wonderfully distracting image of Sirius in the Gryffindor tower stairwell to focus on whenever it tried to resurface.
"Remus!" Julian called across the little town square, Drawing Remus back to the present; The freezing cold, and very Christmassy village of Shepton Mallet. There were plenty of shoppers about, and everyone was saying Merry Christmas as they passed each other. Their coats wrapped tight, collars turned up to keep out the wind.
Julian was rugged up too, his bomber jacket zipped all the way up and a woolen hat covering his short hair.
Remus waved and cut through the shoppers to meet him. Julian clapped him on the shoulder in greeting, "Christ, look at you, beanpole!" Remus grinned, but rolled his eyes, he was getting sick of everyone mentioning how much he'd grown this year. "They must feed you well at that posh school."
"Pretty good," Remus said, "you look exactly the same, comprehensive school dinners not up to much?"
"Hideous," Julian laughed. "Did you have a good term?"
"Pretty good," Remus replied, he thought of Sirius, and whiskey, and staircases, "Really good actually. And you?"
"Dull." Julian said. "Can't wait to get out of there."
"Happy Christmas there, Julie!" called Perio from the chip shop, as he hurried by them, carrying a large cardboard box, "Out of chips!" he said breathlessly, "On Christmas Eve! Disaster!" Both Remus and Julian waved to him as he toddled back off towards his shop.
"I've just been to look in the record shop." Julian said, displeasure in his expression. "You'll never believe what's going on."
"What?" Remus asked, wondering what dreadful thing had happened, surely they wouldn't be closing down?
"My replacement, this leggy blonde bird, playing Cassie Cassidy's new album!" Julian said in horror, "It's like she wants to destroy everything I did in there over the summer."
Remus managed not to laugh, he knew how seriously Julian took the authenticity of his music. "Will you do any shifts these holidays?"
Julian shook his head, "Nah, it was just a summer job, last two years." he jiggled his shoulders up and down and looked around, "Fuck it's cold, have you got time for a pint?"
"Er, I might be tall," Remus said, nonplussed, he was sure Julian had known how old he was. "but I think they know I'm only fifteen. Are you eighteen then?"
"Nah, not til the summer, but old Johnny doesn't know that. He's been selling me pints since I started working down the road."
"Oh, well he knows my mum, so he definitely won't sell me one."
"Bowl of chips then?" Julian wheedled, "Come on, the pub on Christmas Eve is always good fun … They might have a band in?" he grinned enticingly and lifted his eyebrows beneath his woolly hat.
"Okay," Remus agreed, "but if we get kicked out… or he rings my mum, I'm blaming you."
Old Johnny, it turned out, had absolutely no conscience. Red faced, paunchy and cheerful, he ran the most popular pub in town. A long dark wooden bar, and crowded tables, voices raised and glassware clinking. A haze of cigarette smoke in the air. "Julian!" Old Johnny greeted them when they approached the bar, "And why, young Remus, don't see you in here very often."
"No," Remus hedged, looking around at all the familiar village faces.
"Just in for a lemonade are we?" Johnny said, tipping him a huge wink.
"Sure thing," Remus muttered, thinking this was a terrible idea.
"The usual Julian?" Johnny asked, reaching for a glass.
"Cheers, mate." Julian said.
Johnny put two pints on the bar, and Julian tossed him a fiver before Remus could even query it.
Remus hesitated and Johnny said, "It's Christmas young Remus, don't worry I won't tell your mam."
Remus looked around, half the pub knew his mum. Probably more than half. But everyone seemed too jovial and merry to notice two underage drinkers. Julian led them over to a booth by the window, and Remus slid in, sitting close to the window. Julian sat next to him, rather than opposite.
"I'll never be able to hear you over this lot," he said, as he put one of the glasses in front of Remus on the table. "So, what records are on your Christmas list, Young Remus?" he asked, smirking into his pint.
Remus rolled his eyes, "What is with the old blokes in this town? They all call me young Remus. How many other Remus's do they know?"
Julian was laughing. "Fuck knows," he said. Then he clinked his his pint against Remus's. "Happy Christmas, mate."
"So obviously," Remus said, after a drink from his own glass, which went down much easier than his first drink of whiskey had, it was actually quite nice. "I want Zeppelin's new one, because, well, Led Zeppelin ."
"I've got it,'' Julian said, with an appreciative nod
"Of course you do." Remus tried not to roll his eyes Julian had every cool record in existence. .
"How did the present for your mate go down?" Julian asked suddenly, Remus was surprised he even remembered, he'd brought it for him way back in the summer, "Did he like it?"
"Definitely." Remus said, remembering Sirius's excitement that morning, and then the number of times they had listened to the album since then. Remus knew all the words to every song now. "For a guy from a posh family he seems to find a lot in common with the working class of America." he said fondly.
Julian grinned, "Don't we all."
"Do you see anyone from school in the holidays?" Remus asked, thinking of his friends, and wishing that they lived nearer.
"Not really," said Julian, suddenly uncomfortable. He drank his pint, and looked around the room, unusually pensive. "Do you have good friends, Remus?" He asked, after a quiet moment, tone unexpectedly forlorn, "like really good ones?"
"Yes," Remus said, worried by the usually serious expression Julian wore, "better than I ever thought I would. Don't you?"
"Not really." He said, he still wasn't looking at Remus, but watching two blokes at the bar, they were having a rather heated discussion about football. "I've always had my brothers until this year." he added, pausing for another sip from his glass, "But when Marc left to work with Dad …" he grimaced at Remus,"Its been a bit lonely, to tell you the truth."
"But what about school?" Remus couldn't understand, Julian seemed like the sort of bloke who would have friends. Friendly, funny, good taste in music, and liked to be trendy with his clothes. He just seemed like a normal teenager to Remus.
"School is …" he shrugged, "it's not always good. I open my mouth a bit too much."
"Ah," Remus said. That he could believe. But two of his best friends could definitely be described as "mouthy" and they did all alright.
"Yeah, I just don't really seem to fit, you know what I mean?"
"Probably more than you could ever understand,'' Remus said without really thinking.
"What does that mean?" Julian asked, his despondency shifting to curiosity at Remus's comment.
Werewolf, wizard, or queer… where should he start? Remus wasn't sure where Julian stood on sexualty, they'd never really talked about it before. But he obviously couldn't mention the other two. Was it worth losing a friend over? Remus thought. Then Sirius burst into his mind again, with his bright half-scared, half-thrilled eyes in the shadows of the stairwell before they had left, and Remus knew that it was worth everything. "I'm um.. I don't like girls." he said – to his pint. God, it was horrifically frightening to say out loud. He chanced a glance at Julian, who looked rather stunned.
Julian blinked, "Shit."
"Indeed," Remus said dryly. Wondering if Julian was about to get up and leave.
But he didn't move, "Do your friends know?" He asked, and there was a carefulness in his voice that Remus hadn't heard before. It made him feel less nervous.
"One of them does," Remus admitted, lifting his glass for another drink, he was suddenly very parched, "He um, doesn't mind."
"I bet he doesn't." Julian chortled, understanding what Remus meant at once, "I knew that's what those toff schools were like, all pashing and group wanks."
Remus spluttered out his mouthful of beer and coughed while Julian slapped the table and tried not to hoot with laughter. "Your face!" he wheezed.
"Group wanks?" Remus repeated hoarsely in horror, still coughing, "Fuck no."
"Pashing though?" Julian still looked far too amused.
"Just the once," Remus confessed, unable to repress the smile the memory incited, "just before we came home actually."
Julian sipped his pint, thoughtful for a moment, "Will it make it weird, like with your other friends now?"
"Are you the voice in my head?" Remus muttered, not wanting to think about that. He'd been agonising over this since November. He hoped it wouldn't, but then…
Julian shrugged, "I dunno mate. But then I've never kissed a bloke, so," he shrugged again, "maybe not?" he grinned teasingly, and Remus had a sudden burst of confidence inside him, he felt almost giddy. Someone else knew this secret about him. Knew, and was still talking to him.
"It's quite fun." Remus said blithely, able to look Julian in the eye this time.
"I'll keep it in mind." Julian said, with a fond shake of his head.
"What about a girlfriend?" Remus asked him then.
"Well actually," Julian said, suddenly more animated, "some old family friends came to stay last month, and they have a daughter. We haven't seen each other for years, but we got along really well, if you know what I mean," he wiggled his eye brows lewdly, there was no mistaking what he meant. "We're still writing to each other. I think Mum's hoping something will happen between us, like get married eventually, her family are pretty well off, it would mean a pretty good life for me."
"But you like her too?" Remus asked seriously, he was being reminded of the stories Sirius told of his mother and her constant matchmaking attempts. "Because that's the most important thing. "
"Yes, you sap." Julian rolled his eyes, but he was smiling, "Jees, how did I not pick you for a fairy before?"
Remus gave a little laugh, pleased that they had progressed to joking about it, "Well, I didn't really know until about three months ago, I mean I knew that I didn't find girls as interesting as my friends did, but it hadn't really been – " he stopped, feeling his face grow hot, he was not cut out for talking about this.
"Til you liked a bloke?" Julian finished the sentence.
Remus nodded. "Does it bother you?"
Julian gave him a funny look, "Mate, we live in a world filled with bigots, I can't fucking stand it. They're everywhere; the way you look, how you were born, what you think. They think they should run the world, I'm sick of it." he looked Remus dead in the eye as he finished, "You wanna kiss boys? Go right ahead."
Remus felt his eyebrows raise, this was a rather vehement position for Julian to take on anything. Excluding his vendetta against Cassie Cassidy, of course. He seemed agitated by something, and Remus didn't think it had anything to do with homophobia.
"Is everything alright?" Remus asked, "Has your dad been home much?"
Julian shook his head, "Just got home on Saturday, keeps banging on about when I come to work for them. He's not even at head office." Julian drained his pint, putting an end to the topic of his family. "Another?" he asked getting to his feet
"I'd better not." Remus said.
"Now, young Remus," Julian said sternly, "you don't get to spring a bombshell like that on me and not have another drink."
Remus, who did feel a little bad, caved, "Okay." He said, "but then I have to go home, the milk will be off."
"So responsible." Julian grinned.
The pub did have a band in, they were just setting up as Julian returned with two more pints. They spent another hour in the warm smokey place, laughing at all the familiar village faces as they let their hair down in festive frivolity.
Remus was a bit tipsy by the time they left, Julian had convinced him to have yet another beer. But the fresh winter air, somehow not as cold at 8pm as it had been at six, helped sober him up nicely on the walk home.
"Two and a half hours to get milk?" Remus's mum snapped as he walked in the back door. It let directly into the kitchen, where she was apparently waiting for him. Her tone was much more forceful than he was used to. He had heard her speaking like this down the telephone when something was going wrong at work, but she never normally directed it at him.
"I was getting very worried Remus." she added, in a softer tone, as he put the milk on the kitchen counter and hung his coat.
"Sorry," he said, suddenly feeling drunk again in the warm, brightly lit kitchen, "I ran into Julian in the village. Haven't seen him since the summer. We, er … went to the pub." he grimaced, but honesty was the best course here, too many people had seen him. It was bound to get back to her eventually, and being caught in a lie seemed much worse than being told off for the truth.
Ruth frowned, "The pub? Remus dear, that's …" she paused, looking suspicious, "How old is Julian? I thought he was a school boy too."
"He is," Remus confirmed at once, "he's in the upper sixth this year. But he's only seventeen." maybe a slight lie was needed … an omission of truth? "They do food and soft drink at the pub too, you know, and they had a band in."
"Hmmm," she said, looking at him appraisingly, "I suppose it is Christmas Eve."
Remus was so relieved that his mother wasn't angry with him. That would not have been a good start. He was still planning to tell her about Sirius, or at least that he was gay, but he hadn't worked up the courage quite yet.
Christmas passed in a haze of food and drink. Ever since his revelation about the pub, his father, who'd been told all about it, had been offering Remus beers at every opportunity.
"Better he learns here than out there," Lyall said comfortably from his armchair in the sitting room, "and he's sixteen soon, he's allowed down the pub with me then anyway "
Ruth thought this was ridiculous.
Remus didn't mind, he was starting to quite like beer, it was certainly better than Sirius's nasty whiskey. He and his dad didn't have too much in common, so it was kind of fun to share this with him. He wondered if his dad would still want to sit and drink and talk about rubbish with him once he told them he had a boyfriend?
By the twenty eighth of December, Remus was starting to get a bit bored at home. He'd written to all his friends, but had only got replies from James and Pete. He wasn't surprised that Sirius hadn't written back, he was so often cut off during the holidays, but Remus couldn't help but be disappointed, and worried. After what had transpired at Kings Cross, he thought that Sirius was likely in for a very difficult holiday.
It was that evening, that things were suddenly about to get every un-boring for Remus. It started at about five in the afternoon, when there was a knock at the door.
Remus went to open it, wondering who on earth would be out in this weather. It wasn't snowing, but Remus thought it might soon, he didn't remember it ever being this cold at home. They'd had the fire blazing since Christmas Day, normally it only needed a log a couple of times a day, but this week Remus had been bringing in loads of firewood as often has his trips to the fridge for beers.
It was Julian standing on the front step, he was wrapped up in gloves, scarf and his bomber jacket and looked quite wild-eyed as Remus opened the door. Julian had never actually been inside Remus house before, just farewelled him at the gate on their walks home during the summer. Remus had never even seen Julian's house.
"Hi,'' he said awkwardly, not quite meeting Remus's eyes. "fancy hanging out for a bit?"
"Um, sure," Remus said, opening the door to let him inside. He was moving stiffly, and definitely didn't seem like his usual confident self. "Come meet my folks," Remus said.
"They won't mind will they?" Julian asked nervously, "I know it's nearly dinner time, but -"
Remus knew something wasn't right with him now. "They won't mind at all,'' Remus assured him. They entered the kitchen where Mrs Lupin was stirring a large pot on the stove. Remus sniffed, he guessed ham and pea soup, the leg bone from their Christmas ham was going to good use no doubt.
"Mum, this is Julian,"
"Oh," She said in surprise, smiling in welcome, "I didn't even hear the door! Hello Julian, nice to meet you properly."
"Hello, Mrs Lupin." Julian said, quietly, "I'm sorry to intrude so close to tea time."
"Nonsense," she said, meeting Remus's eyes, she must have read his expression, because in the next breath she asked, "Would you like to stay? There's plenty. Or are your parents expecting you home?"
A shadow crossed Julians face, "They are entertaining this evening, they won't miss me. I'd love to stay."
"Very good!" she said, and Remus felt a rush of gratitude for his thoughtful Mum. "I made a bit too much soup, so you'll need to pull your weight! I suppose you eat everything in sight like my Remus?"
Julian managed a smile on his sombre face, "I'll do my very best, it does smell delicious."
"Come and say hi to Dad," Remus said, "then we can go and listen to my latest acquisition."
Julian followed him into the sitting room, Remus's father Lyall Lupin was a big man, with a belly from too much sitting in the lorry all day, and too many ales in the evening. But he had a broad smile and a friendly handshake for Julian when they entered the room. Lyall had been reaching up behind the book case when they entered, tring to pull some of the tinsel down that had been trapped there.
He grimaced at Remus, as if caught in the act, "We're allowed to take this stuff down now right?"
Remus shrugged, "Mum's the Christmas authority, you know that.".
"Nice to meet you Julian." Lyall said, "I've not seen your old man in donkey's, still alright is he?"
"Fine," Julian said, and Remus recognised the forced politeness, "I'll let him know you asked after him." it was probably a bit mean of him to force this skittish julian to be social. But his parents were very strict on manners, and he knew they would think it very rude if Remus had just dragged his friend off to his room without saying hello.
"And your brothers? Marc had an interest in the pack house machinery a while back, that would have been the last time I saw your Dad I think, couple of years ago now. I took him to a few different orchards, has he gone into that line?"
"No," Julian said, "he's working with my dad. Julian looked thoroughly uncomfortable now, and Remus floundered as his father kept talking.
"Huh, never figured him for a pen pusher. Still lobbying, are they? Down in London?"
"Something like that." Julian murmured.
"Do you want another beer, Dad?" Remus asked suddenly, deciding he needed to find out what was wrong with Julian.
Lyall gave him a knowing look, eyebrows high, "Ah, time for me to shut up is it?"
"Yes please." Remus said politely.
"Then yes thanks," Lyall chucked, sitting back down in his chair, "tis the season after all."
In Remus's bedroom Julian seemed slightly more at ease, but not by much. They didn't really have a 'talk about feelings' type of relationship, and Remus was at something of a loss.
Why are you here? Seemed like the wrong thing to ask, when Julian clearly needed a friend.
"Aren't you going to ask why I'm here?" Julian said mutinously. He was sitting in Remus's desk chair, running his thumb down the foot high stack of record sleeves that sat on the tidy surface.
"You really are the voice in my head," Remus muttered, dithering a bit, he sat on his bed, but then remembered he was going to put his new record on, "I wasn't going to ask, but something has clearly happened, is it the people your parents are entertaining?" he remembered in the summer they had some guests that he didn't like.
"You notice too much," Julian murmured a bit sullenly, still fiddling with the records, "But yes, I don't see eye to eye with them."
"But, what did Dad mean when he asked about lobbying?" Remus asked, "I thought you said your dad was in public relations?"
Julian gave him a long look, "Public relations …" he said, "yeah, but lobbying is more accurate, their company er, works for special interest groups, helps them get stuff sorted at the … government, you know, they are basically crooks, who pay off the right people to get shit done."
"Oh," Remus breathed, feeling a bit horrified, this must be why Julian hated 'bigots' as he'd called them at the pub on Christmas Eve, 'special interest' smacked of hidden agenda. "That's heavy."
"Yup."
"And this is who you're going to work for?
"Well, that's why I'm not there tonight. Dad asked me if I was going back to school after the break, then one of the worst people he does work for turned up," he looked right at Remus then, and there was definitely fear in his expression, "I decided I wasn't hanging around, They're no better than criminals if you ask me."
"They sound like they are criminals." Remus said faintly, wondering how this sort of shit was allowed to carry on. Generational bribery and corruption? It was dreadful.
"If they didn't have half the high court in their pocket I'd bet most of them would be in prison."
"Do you want to stay here?" Remus offered, "Mum won't mind."
"Nah, he'll be gone soon enough." Julian shrugged, "Probably off to some fancy dinner somewhere."
Just then, Remus's mum's voice drifted down the hallway, "Boys! Dinner's ready!"
Dinner was indeed delicious, they even had fresh bread to mop up the last dregs in their bowls. Then they cleared the dishes and went back to Remus's room.
Remus was glad he'd not got much of his school stuff out, could have meant some difficult conversations if Julian had noticed his Transfiguration book or uniform robes lying around.
Remus picked up his prize possession, the new Pink Floyd album his mum had got him for Christmas. "I suppose you've heard this?"
Julian nodded, "I have, I had it on preorder at the shop. They finally came in at the start of November. It's not the sort of thing that gets old fast though, put it on."
The zingy unusual melody of Shine On filled the room, and Remus grinned at Julian. "Does this make you feel better?"
"Much." he said, with a lopsided grin. "I'm such a crazy diamond."
They listened in silence for a while, but Julian did seem better than when he arrived. Much less twitchy. "We need a joint.'' Julian murmured as the vocals faded away. "Everyone knows that's the only way to listen to Floyd."
"Sorry," Remus said, "I can't help you there."
"No, I didn't think so." Julian agreed. "Maybe next time?"
Remus was unsure about this, he was already party to so many broken magical laws, he didn't think he should start breaking muggle ones too. Although, he had been drinking in the pub underage only four days before, maybe drugs was the next adventure… Probably not.
Just then, Remus's mum knocked on the door, her approaching footsteps unheard over the music, Remus nearly fell off his bed he got such a fright. Julian started laughing and didn't seem to be able to stop. Christ, they might as well be stoned, paranoid and giggling as they were.
"Remus dear," She said, opening the door wide enough to poke her head in, she looked concerned. "Your friend Sirius has just arrived, he seems a little out of sorts."
"Sirius is here? " Remus repeated in shock, stumbling to his feet, trying not to fall off the bed as he got moving, "I'll be right back." he said to Julian, who nodded, watching Remus cautiously. Remus's brain seemed to be completely blank. How on earth could Sirius be here?
But, Sirius was indeed standing in the kitchen, hovering next to the counter, the fruit bowl piled with satsumas and one browning banana next to his elbow. He held himself awkwardly and was somehow diminished from the way he looked in Remus's mind; namely, confidently languid, casual in his self-assured countenance. But not now, his shoulders hunched just a little, there was no mischievous quirk to his lips, no aura of flighty drama. Something was very wrong.
Sirius was clutching an old fashioned leather briefcase in one hand, which made for a strange look with the tatty knees on his faded jeans and the leather jacket James had given him for his birthday.
Once Remus got over the shock of seeing him there, he noticed dark shadows under his grey eyes, and the eyes themselves were as troubled as Julian's had been when he'd arrived on Remus's doorstep. It really was the weirdest evening.
All of this, in a moment, and Remus's stupid heart still thought it was okay to kick up in excitement, because whatever the reason, Sirius was here.
Julian had followed Remus from the bedroom, putting his scarf and jacked back on. "I'm going to head off." he said as he came into the kitchen and Sirius jumped slightly at this unexpected voice, "Thanks for dinner, Mrs Lupin." he called to where Remus's parents were sitting in the living room. Then he turned back to the uncharacteristically mute Sirius.
"Good to meet you, mate," he said, holding out a hand, Sirius shook it, looking perplexed.
"You too," he said, his voice somewhat hoarse, "Julian?"
"Famous, am I?" Julian had a quick smile for him.
Sirius hitched a grin on his face, but Remus could see it was costing him to keep it there, "You're our music guru."
"That is the best thing anyone has ever called me." Julian said, genuinely pleased. Then he clapped Remus on the shoulder, "Thanks mate, for tonight. Hopefully I'll see you before you go back to school?"
"I hope so," Remus said, "I go back on the fourth of January."
Then he left, and Remus turned to Sirius. "What's happened?" but Sirius just shook his head and then dropped his suitcase to the floor, he looked desperately sad, Remus did the only thing he could think of, and wrapped his arms around Sirius pulling him in for a hug.
Sirius let out a tense breath, loud in Remus's ear as his arms went around him, tight shoulders sagging, the warm weight of him leaning on Remus. He didn't think they'd ever properly hugged like this before, it wasn't even a romantic thing, not really. Just Sirius hurting and needing to be protected, Remus held on. Hoping he was helping. Frightened of what had happened to cause such a reaction in the bravest, more unaffected person Remus knew.
"Sirius dear, whatever is the matter?" Ruth's voice came from behind them.
They broke apart, and Remus had to tell himself to not look guilty. It was perfectly normal to hug one's friends when they were sad.
"Sorry to intrude Mrs Lupin." Sirius said, he sounded almost composed, but nothing at all like himself, like he was doing an impression of how he thought he was supposed to sound. "I've just had a bit of a run in with my parents, they decided it would be best if I wasn't in their house any more."
"Oh dear," Mrs Lupin frowned, shaking her head and looking furious. "Remus told me they take away your owl sometimes."
"And lock him in his room." Remus put in.
Sirius shook his head, "It's not that bad." he said, voice still not right.
"It sounds plenty bad to me." her nostrils flared slightly, and Remus knew that she was trying hard to conceal her outrage. She looked at his little case, "Is that all you have?"
"It's my school trunk." Sirius said, "I transfigured it so it would be easier to carry. I got everything that matters."
The outrage had softened to compassion now, Remus could see. "Well you're very welcome to stay here." She gave him a kind smile, "We're a bit of a halfway house tonight. Would you like some soup? We've already eaten dinner, but i could heat you up some?"
"Yes, please." Sirius sad at once.
Remus sat next to Sirius at the table, while his mum pottered about getting Sirius a bowl and some bread, "Are you alright?" He asked quietly, even though he very clearly wasn't, "Did they kick you out or did you leave?"
"It was mutual." Sirius murmured, "but they are so mad Remus," his voice shook, and he turned those haunted eyes on Remus, just for a moment, "so mad."
Remus squeezed his hand, feeling cold. What had they done to him?
"I feel a bit better now," he continued, returning the pressure, "seeing you."
Christ, suddenly Remus wanted to kiss him. Distract him from this, turn him back into the Sirius from the staircase. Probably not a good idea to kiss him in the kitchen with his mother present.
"Here you are dear," Mrs Lupin said, delivering a large bowl of soup and a plate of bread to the table.
"How did you get here?" She asked then, still very concerned as he began to eat quickly, spoon lifting to his mouth over and over, he didn't look up at her question, "Your family live in London don't they?"
"They do," Sirius said, between mouthfuls, he must have been starving. "I hitchhiked. It all blew up at home at dinner last night, really big fight." he shovelled a few more spoonfuls in, then continued, "my mum, she has these crazy ideas about what's important, like me getting married and my brother… well, she's quite happy for my little thirteen year old brother to join the blood purity movement."
"Remus always said she was difficult, but blood purity? That's this Voldemort I see mentioned in the papers isn't it? Horrible stuff."
"You don't know the half of it." Sirius muttered, and his left hand under the table squeezed Remus's tight before he let go. Using it to pick up his bread to soak up the last of his soup.
Ruth was watching Sirius with concerned eyes, "You're very welcome here Sirius, we'll be happy to take you to the train at the end of the holidays if you like. But I don't ever want to hear of you hitchhiking again. It's very dangerous, especially for a young person."
Sirius nodded, it was the first time Remus had ever seen him take advice from an adult so seriously.
"I planned to go to James's," Sirius said. "Mrs Potter is used to looking after me. She hates my mum."
"I don't like her much either to tell you the truth, dear." Ruth said.
"But they live much further away." Sirius continued after he swallowed his mouthful.
"I understand. If you'd like us to take you up there we can, I'm off work until after new year."
Sirius smiled, and Remus could tell it was a real one this time. "Thanks, Mrs Lupin."
After being fed and welcomed, Sirius, like Julian, seemed to feel a lot better. Remus on the other hand was feeling decidedly nervous. If Sirius was a girl he'd kissed there was no way his mum would let her sleep in his room. He probably wouldn't even be allowed to have her in there with the door shut. But since Remus hadn't had the guts to tell his mum what was going on between them, she tossed a sleeping roll and a few blankets on the floor in Remus's room and told Sirius to make himself at home.
"So, how much worse was it than you told Mum?" Remus asked when they were alone. Remus was lying on his bed, Sirius sat crossed legged on the bed roll, his jacket and boots off, the tattered cuffs of his jeans were dirty, and his hair was hanging forward hiding his face from Remus as he waited for a reply.
"It was really bad, Moony." Sirius didn't look up to meet his eyes as he spoke, but at least he sounded like himself again, even if it was a very distressed version, "I don't think I can go b-back." his voice suddenly wobbled, and he drew a breath to steady himself.
"I sent Zoff to James before they could take him," He dropped his head into his hands, speaking to his knees, voice fractious, "I don't even think I want to go back. I can survive without them."
"Of course you can,'' Remus said at once. The helpless feeling was back, he didn't know what he should say, "I'm so proud of you, Sirius."
Sirius sniffed. "What? Proud of me? For running away?" he drew another breath, "I'm a coward."
"Er… no," Remus said bluntly, he knew what to say now. "You stood up for what you believe in, even though the consequences are life changing. I think that's pretty brave."
"Since when are you Mr Silver Lining?" Sirius grumbled.
Remus knew he was no optimist, but he wasn't a pessimist either. He slid down off his bed, and sat next to Sirius on his thin mattress, and in an echo of the first real moment between them he put his hand on Sirius's knee.
"I don't know about silver linings," he said quietly, "but I do know that it's brought you here, somewhere you're important and wanted, and away from there where you're so unhappy."
Sirius leaned against him then, his back resting on Remus's bed, his shoulder warm against Remus's. He linked their fingers together, holding tight again. Remus was lost for words once more.
Then after a few long moments of silence, Sirius looked sideways at him, so much closer than Remus had expected him to be. "Wanted?"
Remus could have read this one word as more self doubt, but it was Sirius, and the corner of his mouth had twitched up like he was trying not to smirk. How did he make it sound almost like a challenge?
He still hadn't looked away, and the mood had changed so rapidly that Remus's heart was about to burst out of his ribcage at any moment.
He should just do it, right? Sirius was there, staring at him, unflinching, beautiful. Why was it so hard to lean forward half a foot to close the gap? He'd done it on the stairs at school without a thought, so wound up in the moment.
Sirius let out a little breath and it made Remus realise he'd been holding it while they looked at each other, was he nervous too? This realisation helped, and he did it, rocked forward and pressed his lips against Sirius's. And just like before, everything seemed right, he wasn't nervous anymore, not when Sirius returned the pressure so eagerly, just like everything in his life, Sirius kissed with everything he had.
Remus could almost feel his brain switching off, or maybe it was short-circuiting, the feeling was so much, overwhelming. Because it wasn't just lips this time, they had their hands on each other now. Sirius's warm fingers had found Remus's side and they travelled up and down, the cotton of his t-shirt dragging against his skin, his other hand was holding Remus's face, thumb stroking his cheek, fingers in his hair, and all the while, his tongue was darting softly between their mouths, making Remus want more.
He never knew he could want anything this much. His own hand had slid seemingly of its own accord, from Sirius's knee, to quite far up his thigh. His fingers twitched and Sirius kissed him harder, his hand slipping beneath Remus t-shirt, his fingers splayed on the bare skin.
Remus needed to breathe, he pulled back with a gasp, panting as though he'd just run all the way from the Great Hall to Gryffindor tower.
"This is –," he tried to talk, but Sirius's wide pupils at close range, ringed in grey, looked almost hungry. It sent something scorching through Remus, "You're –," he tried again, but couldn't find the words.
"Magnificent?" Sirius suggested, who was just as short of breath.
"You or this?" Remus asked, blinking to help himself think.
"Both." Sirius huffed in amusement
Remus started to laugh, how could this even be happening? He imagined what his summer self would have thought if he'd seen this moment. And he laughed a bit harder, feeling delirious, or hysterical
"Moony?" Sirius asked, laughter in his own voice
"Sorry," Remus had to put his head down on his knees, breathing deeply to control himself, "I'm just, this is crazy right? Like we've gone crazy?"
"You maybe," said Sirius. "But I think I've been crazy for quite a while."
"Have you always known? About liking blokes?"
Sirius shook his head, "Nope. I'll tell you what though, kissing you is a hundred times better than when Mary McDonald kissed me last year."
"I've never kissed anyone else," Remus said.
"I know that." Sirius reminded him, a little smile pulling his cheek, "I'm um –, it's kind of cool to be your first." he suddenly looked hideously embarrassed, "Merlin, is that so lame? Sorry."
Remus didn't think it was lame. He thought that aside from wanting to kiss Sirius again, there was something much more complicated solidifying inside of him. Something wonderful and terrible. He couldn't even think the word.
"I don't think it's lame," he said quietly, "Pity you went snogging your way around last year so I can't have the same honour."
"Three kisses is hardly snogging my way around," Sirius said indignantly, "I should have known then I guess. I thought people just hyped it up to make it sound so great, but I didn't get it." His eyes were suddenly wicked again and he continued, "I get in now though." then he kissed Remus again. It was a bit messier this time, more urgent, Remus's hands were pulling him closer, hanging on to the only solid thing that seemed to exist, because the effect was instant, he felt like he was liquefying, something hot and wonderful charging through his body.
Then Sirius, the bold and brave, untangled his long legs and climbed into Remus's lap. His mouth left Remus's briefly, and instead of just pausing for breath, his lips travelled up Remus's jaw to his ear, where he murmured, in a husky voice that Remus didn't think he'd forget for as long as he lived, "Besides, there are plenty of other firsts you could help me with."
Then he latched on to the skin at the side of Remus's neck and flicked his tongue and suddenly, there was no more blood in Remus's brain, it had found a new home elsewhere. He could feel Sirius grinning against his skin, obviously aware of the effect he was having.
How had they got to here? It was all too fast, too disorientating, too bloody amazing, he didn't ever want this feeling to stop. His hands had found their way under Sirius's shirt, he couldn't believe how smooth his skin was, smooth and overheated. They never had to stop did they? Remus wanted to live in this moment forever.
Unfortunately his legs were going numb from being squashed under Sirius's weight. Sirius was focused wholly on kissing and didn't notice Remus trying to move his legs. In the end Remus pushed him in the chest, a little harder than he meant too, and Sirius, unresisting and unexpecting, toppled backwards, landing sprawled on the bedroll. His chest rose and fell rapidly, and he'd propped himself up on his elbows to look at Remus in confusion.
"Moony?"
"Sorry," Remus was all of a sudden fighting the urge to laugh again, "I didn't mean to push you so hard, my legs are numb."
"Oh," Sirius said. He looked beautiful lying there, flushed and even more dishelved than usual. "So, um," he let out a huge breath, clearly unsure about what to say.
This did not help.
Cocky confident Sirius was someone Remus was very used to dealing with, even now when he had the power to derail Remus's entire world with just a look.
This Sirius however, uncertain, careful, clearly worried that he might make the wrong move, he was new. He cared , something that Sirius usually avoided, and that made Remus's heart thud too hard. It made his hands shake just a bit. It made him think about how badly wrong this could all go.
But it wasn't going to go wrong tonight, Remus told himself, as he channelled his own bravery, he'd never needed it for something so enjoyable. He stretched out next to Sirius on the thin foam mattress, wiggling his socked feet as if to demonstrate their numbness.
Sirius was still propped on his elbow, and he looked down at Remus with a mischievous grin, "Hello." he said. "Are you going to sleep down here too?"
Remus didn't answer, he hooked a hand behind Sirius's neck and pulled him in for another kiss, Sirius didn't hesitate, lips and tongue and hands seemed desperate to touch more, to feel more. Within a few minutes, Remus found himself pinned beneath Sirius, his mouth was on Remus's throat again, and his knee had slipped between Remus's. Whether on purpose or not, there was no hiding how much he was enjoying this now. Then Sirius moved and the pressure changed and an unbidden little groan of pleasure escaped from Remus.
The sound made Sirius freeze, and Remus suddenly felt embarrassed, but Sirius was looking down at him, breathing heavily, hazy eyed and gorgeous, "We should stop," Sirius said, as if trying to convince himself, "right?"
Remus didn't remember how to talk, Sirius's thigh was in direct contact with his groin, he might not ever be able to talk again.
"I mean, we haven't even talked about this."
"Are you me now?" Remus muttered, finding his voice.
Sirius gave a little laugh, the same sort that kept bubbling up out of Remus inadvertently. But then he rolled off Remus, lying on his back beside him.
"Don't get me wrong, Moony," he said breathlessly, "here I was thinking I'd fallen for my little swot of a friend who'd want to hold hands and talk about feelings and instead you jump on me like an animal."
"Werewolf." Remus reminded him, turning his head to meet Sirius's gaze, as they lay side by side.
"Kinky." said Sirius, with that little half smile again.
"And I'm not little, thank you." Remus added, "I'm taller than James."
"Yes. I've noticed." his smile grew.
"You've fallen for me?" Remus asked, his fingers finding Sirius's hand beside him and holding on.
"I wondered if you'd pick up on that." Sirius said sheepishly, "I think it's been longer than I really knew, I dunno."
"It was the moon that made me realise." Remus said. "That first one in September, when I looked in Padfoot's eyes, it was so different, the wolf doesn't have feelings, well, not good ones anyway. I knew it meant something."
"Cool,'' Sirius murmured, he looked up at the ceiling, his voice cautious, "the moon was probably where it all started for me I think, like, I've never wanted to help anyone, like never. Then there you were, little wolf, and it consumed me. I had to find a way to make you suffer less." Remus couldn't believe that Sirius would admit this to him, he felt like he was meeting a whole new person, "Because … well I didn't know why." His eyes suddenly flicked back to Remus, and there was that challenge, the humour Remus knew so well, "Probably because I knew you were going to grow up and be sexy and I'd want to shag you."
"Sirius," Remus laughed, embarrassed, "You want to shag me?"
"Duh."
"Then why did you stop before?"
"I don't know, seemed a bit fast? One quick snog before we left school and now we're suddenly rolling around on the floor?" he looked uncertain, like he thought he'd made a big deal out of nothing, "I thought it was the sort of thing that would matter to you."
"It does." Remus said at once, shocked that Sirius would even consider this at all. The fact that he did … Remus was coming to understand that whatever this was between them meant quite a lot to Sirius. He grinned reassuringly at him, "Although if you'd asked me ten minutes ago I don't know that I'd have cared. How'd you know what to do?"
"Romance novels." Sirius suddenly laughed, "those ones I got from the shop by Alphard's place, so filthy, but informative."
Trust Sirius . Remus thought, "Well, I need lessons, honestly a few more minutes and it would have been all over." He admitted.
Sirius grinned lecherously, moving closer, "Just a few more minutes, then?".