I'm sorry this chapter is so late. I struggled with it, and then it was with my beta for a long time. She realized that she just didn't have time to beta now during summer time, with the kids being home, so I had to find a new beta. Long story short, it's finally done!
Thank you so much to my new beta smexy4smarties. She's absolutely amazing, and I'm so happy to have her on board!
Thanks to my pre-readers Simaril and Verseseven. Love you, ladies!
Disclaimer- All recognizable copyrighted and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owner, most especially Stephenie Meyer. Everything else belongs to the respective author.
BPOV
By the time we got back to La Push, I felt myself starting to fall apart. I made a quick stop to see how Paul was doing and was relieved to see that he was sleeping and seemed to be healing well. Emily was in his kitchen cooking up a storm, and the living room was crowded by pack members. I wasn't up to talking to anyone at the moment, so I dodged their questions as well as I could and headed for the beach to be alone for a while. I needed a quiet place to think over everything that had happened in the last couple of days, and the sounds of the waves hitting the shore always calmed me.
I sat on the piece of driftwood that Jake and I had claimed for our own and let my thoughts wander. Edward said he had lied to me, that he did love me and only left me to keep me safe. I didn't know what to make of that. It didn't make sense to me. If you really loved someone you didn't leave them, did you? Not only had he left me, he had left me thinking that he had never really loved me in the first place and that I wasn't good enough for him. He knew how insecure I was and how inadequate I felt in comparison to his vampiric beauty, and he had taken that knowledge and used it against me. He had preyed on my deepest weaknesses and effectively rendered me useless. I wasn't sure I could do that to someone I hated, let alone to someone I cared about. The thought of Edward having no problems treating me that way, even though he supposedly loved me, made me feel nauseated.
And then there was the thought of Alice. She was once my best friend, and even called herself my sister. Then she up and left me without even saying goodbye, and today she seemed off somehow. She'd hardly looked at me, let alone spoken to me and, as much as I hated admitting it, I had been hurt by her weird behaviour.
I tried really hard not to think of how hurt Emmett had looked when I told him I wasn't his sister, but the image kept popping up into my head. Emmett had this sort of childlike quality about him and he wore his feelings on his sleeve. To see the pain I caused him made me feel terrible, but I had to remind myself that I couldn't just gloss over my own pain in order to make someone else feel better. I knew I was worth better than that, and I deserved to be heard, dammit.
I couldn't fight it any longer, and the tears started to pour out. I pulled my legs up to my chest, wrapped my arms around them and gave in to the sorrow. I don't know for how long I had been crying when I suddenly felt two small hands petting my legs. I opened my eyes and saw Claire standing before me with tears in her eyes.
"Ella, what wong?" Her voice was trembling, and I wanted nothing more than to pull myself together and assure her that nothing was wrong, but instead my silent cries turned into sobs. I pulled her up and sat her in my lap; she instantly wrapped her little arms around my neck, and I took the comfort she provided. Claire was the one person who wouldn't have any ulterior motives; she wouldn't try to influence me in any way, and there would be no judgement. She just wanted me to be happy. It broke my heart to know that I was making her sad, and that thought made me cry even harder.
"I...I...sowy...Ella."
"Oh, Claire, sweetie...I'm sorry...I'll be fine." I forced myself to calm down, not wanting to scare her. I startled slightly when I felt an arm around my shoulder offering me support.
"Oh, Bella, I'm sorry, I couldn't stop Claire from running over to you when she spotted you sitting here." Laura obviously felt guilty about her little girl disturbing me, and I wouldn't have that.
"There's nothing for you to apologize for, Laura. I'm the one who's sorry for making Claire sad."
"Cware, no sad no more, see, Ella!" Claire put her hands on my cheeks and turned my head down so I could see her smile at me. The sight before me broke my heart a little, and at the same time, I couldn't help but smile back at the adorable little girl on my lap. The tears were still running down her cheeks and her nose was stuffy, but she had somehow managed to turn her lips up into a smile, showing me that I shouldn't feel sad for making her cry.
"Thank you, sweetie. I feel better now, you really helped me."
"Yay! Mom, I 'elped, Ella!"
Laura gave her squealing daughter a warm smile and pulled a tissue out of her bag and handed it to me.
"Thank you, Laura. I'm sorry. I'm a mess right now."
"Well, dry your tears, blow your nose and then you'll come home with us. I'll make us some tea and we'll talk about what's gotten you so sad."
I wanted to protest, but Laura gave me the same look I'd seen her give Claire many times, and I knew it was an order and not a request. I did what she said, and the three of us made our way over to their house, Claire in the middle, holding our hands, begging us to swing her. Her laughter was infectious, and by the time we reached the little red cabin I felt much lighter and was so thankful that Claire had come into my life. I never thought that spending time with a child could be such a rewarding and freeing thing, but Claire always made me feel better about myself and I loved the little bouncing girl to bits.
True to her word, Laura made us tea and we sat down at her kitchen table after she'd told Claire to go play in her room because the adults needed to talk. I took a sip of my tea and tried to think of what to tell her.
"Okay, Bella, spill. What's going on?"
"A lot," I sighed.
"Has it got something to do with the reason the pack seemed so tense today?"
I didn't know how to answer that question. Laura had obviously heard the guys referring to themselves as the pack, but what could I say without giving to much away?
"Or is it because Jacob imprinted yesterday? How do you feel about that?"
"What?" Did she just say that she knew Jake imprinted?
"It's okay, Bella, I know the truth. I know about the wolves, and I've kind of guessed that there has been some vampire activity and that you're somehow involved." She sounded so calm, and all I could do was stare at her. She wasn't supposed to know about the supernatural world, and yet, here she sat, sipping tea and talking about wolves and vampires as if it was an every day occurrence.
"Breathe, Bella," Laura chuckled.
"I'm just...shocked, I guess."
"I know. No one knows that I know, but I figured you needed to talk, and it would probably help to talk to someone that's on the outside and not directly involved in things." Her words resonated deep within me, and I realized that I most definitely needed someone to talk to. As much as I normally mulled things over by myself, I felt that I was in over my head with all that had taken place over the last few days, and I needed a woman's opinion to help me make sense of things.
"I could definitely use someone to talk to, but I don't want to burden you with my stuff."
"If I thought it would be a burden, I wouldn't have offered. You've been such a good friend to me since I moved here and Claire absolutely adores you; the least I can do is listen to you and try to offer up my perspective on things."
"Okay, but I just have to ask how you know about the wolves. Who told you? How long have you known? Why haven't you told anyone? How did you know that I knew?" The questions tumbled out of me, and Laura smiled at my curiosity.
"No one told me. I guess I figured it out on my own." She shrugged her shoulders, and I had to laugh about how much she reminded me of myself when I discovered the truth about Edward and the Cullens.
"What?" she asked.
"You just reminded me of myself, that's all. They all think they are blending in so well that no one will ever know the difference, but that's really not the case, is it?" We both had a good laugh about the supernatural creatures in our midst, thinking they were fooling the stupid humans.
"I mean, really, how can you not put two and two together?" Laura giggled. "Here you have ten young people, all freakishly built who seems to have something against clothes, eat massive amounts of food and are hot to the touch. Not to mention how they sometimes simply disappear for no apparent reason, are referred to as 'the pack' and how they are obviously highly regarded by the elders. One of those things would be unusual, but put them all together, and you quickly realize that something very unusual is going on."
"Yeah, but how did you take the leap from 'unusual' to wolves?"
"The old legends the elders tell at bonfires," she said, and then burst out laughing again. "And I might have seen Quil explode out of his clothes, turning into a huge wolf."
"What? You saw him phase, and he didn't notice?" It didn't really surprise me, Quil had a tendency to be careless and often got in trouble for saying or doing stupid things.
"He had no idea," Laura exclaimed. "He can be so clueless sometimes. I'm just glad I was alone when it happened—not sure how I would have explained it to Claire."
"Oh, that would have been bad! You can't really expect a toddler to keep a secret like that." I took another sip of my tea and listened to the noises of the beautiful little girl in her room, happily chatting away to her dolls. The thought of her being exposed to the dark truths about the supernatural made me shiver, and all traces of laughter died down. I looked up and saw Laura looking at me, waiting for me to open up.
With a sigh I launched into my story. I told her about how I had met Edward, figured out what he was, and how I fell in love with him and his entire family. I told her how they abandoned me, how Jake had put the broken pieces of me together again, about the arrangement Jake and I had, about him imprinting, about the Cullens returning, having sex with Paul and finally what had happened this morning.
When I had finished, I got up and walked outside for a while. I needed some air, and I wanted to give Laura a chance to gather her thoughts. She had been quietly listening to me, without interrupting once, and by the time I had told her everything she had a bewildered look in her eyes. I knew she was a lot like me, she needed some time to process what she had heard, and I was more than willing to give it to her.
The fresh air felt wonderful against my face, and I took a moment to allow myself to enjoy the peace and quiet. There was something so soothing about La Push. It wasn't just the sounds of the waves breaking on the shore; it was the connection to the spirits the Quileutes felt, the way everyone looked after each other, and the friendly atmosphere. As much as I had come to appreciate Forks, I felt more at home in La Push than I did in Forks. People here cared about one another without being nosy or pushy.
"Bella, I'm going to get dinner started," Laura called out to me. I guess I had been standing on the porch longer than I thought. I suddenly realized that I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and started to feel hungry. I walked back into the house and saw Laura pulling stuff out of the fridge.
"Can I help?" I asked, feeling a little embarrassed about more or less inviting myself to stay and eat with them. I just couldn't leave yet; I wanted to hear what Laura thought of everything I had told her, and I hoped she had some advice for me. Maybe I should go home for a while, grab something to eat, and then come back later?
"Sure, if you want to," she said, giving me a stern look. "You are staying for dinner, so don't even think about it." I really was like an open book.
"Actually, if you don't mind, you could give Claire a bath while I make dinner; that way she's ready for bed earlier, and we'll have time to talk. She's always tired after a day on the beach, and she likes having dinner in her pj's."
"Um, I don't know how to," I said sheepishly. I had never given anyone a bath before. "Why don't I cook and you'll help Claire?" Yes, that I could do. I knew how to cook, and the only person in risk of injury in the kitchen was me, not an innocent little girl.
"You can do it," Laura giggled. "You can face vampires and werewolves, but giving a toddler a bath is scaring you? Claire will help tell you what to do, and I know she would be thrilled to get to spend some quality time with you." Okay, now I know where Claire got her puppy dog eyes from.
"All right," I grumbled. "But if I end up getting shampoo in her eyes or drowning her or something, don't say I didn't warn you." I made my way towards Claire's room to the sounds of Laura's laughter, telling myself that I could do this.
A couple of hours later, I sat on the couch in Laura's living room feeling more relaxed than I had in a long while. I had managed quite successfully to give Claire a bath and help her into her pink pj's. Laura was right; Claire had been the picture of happiness when I showed up asking if I could help her with her bath. We had been giggling and chatting the whole time, and I couldn't wait to repeat the experience.
During dinner, Claire entertained us with stories about what her dolls were doing, and I felt the stress of the day start to melt away. After dinner Claire and I had crawled up in her bed where I had read to her until she fell asleep with her head in my lap. I had almost dozed off myself when Laura popped her head in and smiled at the sight in front of her. I extricated myself from the sleeping child and went to the living room, giving Laura a moment with her daughter.
"Thank you, Bella," Laura said when she came and joined me on the couch. "This evening meant a lot to both Claire and me."
"What are you thanking me for? You were the one to take pity of my pathetic crying self and showed me how beautiful family life can be." It was true; my desire to have a family of my own someday was now firmly cemented, and it was all thanks to Claire and Laura.
"I'm thanking you for bringing the light back to my baby's eyes," she said with tears in her eyes. "It's been a hard year, with the loss of her father and then moving here. Everyone has been great to us, and the pack has definitely lifted her spirits, but the evenings are still difficult. Matthew used to read to her every night, and she always misses him the most when it's bedtime."
I wrapped my arms around Laura's shoulders when her tears turned into a quiet cry. My problems suddenly seemed so insignificant in comparison; Laura had lost her husband and was raising her daughter on her own. I had, what, been dumped by a boyfriend?
"I'm sorry," she sniffled, pulling herself together. "I just needed a good cry; thank you for lending me a shoulder."
"No problem. Do you want to talk about it?" I asked her after she had finished blowing her nose. She pulled her legs up beneath her on the couch and took a sip of her water.
"No, I'm fine. I want to talk about you, and about all the things you told me earlier."
"I feel silly now," I started a little sheepishly, but stopped myself when I saw the look of reprimand in Laura's eyes.
"You're not silly at all; those were some pretty life-altering things that happened to you. Don't go trivializing it now."
"Okay," I sighed, not knowing where to begin. "I don't know what to say, where to begin."
"Why don't we start with the wolf part of the equation?" Laura said with a little laugh. "How do you really feel about Jacob imprinting?"
"I'm happy for him," I stated with conviction, but Laura didn't seem convinced. "I really am!"
"Mm hm, I'm sure you are happy for him, but how does it make you feel?"
"I'm happy…" I hesitated; I hadn't had much time to really think about how I felt about it. "I don't know… I guess I feel a bit torn?" It came out sounding as question more than anything else.
"Go on," she urged me.
"I always knew he would imprint one day; he's the rightful Alpha after all." Laura looked a little surprised, and I realized that she might know about the pack, but there were still a lot she didn't know.
"It's his heritage to be Alpha; he just doesn't want the position, not yet anyway," I offered a quick explanation, and she nodded for me to continue. "I thought I was prepared for it to happen, but I don't think I really was." I felt as if I suddenly stared the truth in the eye. I really wasn't prepared for Jake to imprint.
"How could you be?" she asked me in a soft voice. "You can never be fully prepared for matters of the heart."
"Yeah, but I wasn't in love with Jake." Wow, I sound naïve. "I love him, and I guess I'm afraid that I'll lose him completely?" There I go with the question again.
"Why do you think you would lose him? Don't you think he will still be your friend?"
I thought about it for a minute. "I think that if it's up to him, he will always be my friend. I'm just scared that it's not all up to him anymore. I'm worried she won't want him to be friends with me and that he will have no choice but to do as she says." Once the words started to leave my mouth, I couldn't seem to stop them.
"The power of the imprint is so strong, the wolves' main priority in life is to make their imprint happy, whatever it takes. What if she hates me? What if she thinks I want him and sees me as a threat? What if -?"
"Okay, stop!" she cut me off. "No more 'what if's', they never do any good. Take a deep breath and think about his character. You know Jacob, probably better than anyone. No matter what his imprint wants, would he really abandon you?"
I did as she said and really thought of Jake: his loyalty, his honesty, his willingness to fight for what he believed in, his unwavering support in his friends and family, and I knew that he would always be my friend. Our relationship would change, but we would always be friends.
"Judging by the way you're smiling, I would venture a guess that you've come to the conclusion that Jacob will always be in your life."
"Yeah, thank you for making me realize that." I felt a huge relief, and I just hoped I wouldn't be proven wrong.
"So, now that the issue of Jacob's imprinting is out of the way, let's talk about Paul," Laura said with a huge grin on her face. Uh oh.
"You mean how he got hurt today?" I tried to weasel my way out of it.
"Don't you chicken out now, Bella. You know very well what I'm talking about."
"Um…" I reached for my glass, suddenly feeling very dry in my mouth.
"I have to admit that I'm a bit curious," she almost whispered. "I mean, he's so damn sexy!"
We both broke down laughing like a couple of schoolgirls. I had never had a real girl talk with anyone before, and I realized that I didn't feel as uncomfortable as I thought I would.
"Oh, you have no idea," I chuckled. "What do you want to know?"
"Well, I'm assuming he knew what he was doing?" she giggled, and blushed a little.
"He definitely knew what he was doing," I said in a dreamy voice. "Hey, what are you doing to me?" Who was this girl sitting here gushing over a guy's prowess in the bedroom?
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't help myself. I didn't mean to pry; I've heard a lot of rumors about Paul, and I guess my curiosity got the best of me." She looked really apologetic and embarrassed, and I gave her a smile to show her that I wasn't upset.
"What I really wanted to know was how you feel about it now. Do you regret it?"
Do I regret it? "No, I don't think so..." I paused to think about it. "No, I don't regret it; it was an amazing night, and it was exactly what I needed at the time. The part I feel a bit bad about is that it happened so soon after Jake imprinted."
"Have you told him?"
"No, but I'm pretty sure he knows by now," I laughed humorlessly, thinking of the pack mind.
"How do you think he will feel about it?" Laura asked in a concerned voice.
"I have no idea." I sounded as unsure as I felt. I really hoped my sleeping with Paul wouldn't affect the friendship between Jake and me, at least not more than his imprinting would. Geez, there were a lot of unknowns between us all of a sudden.
I got up from the couch and walked over to the window. It had started to get dark outside, and I realized I didn't know where I was supposed to spend the night. My stuff was still at Paul's, but I wasn't sure it would be a good idea to spend another night there. Not that I thought anything like last night would happen again, but it might give the wrong impression. Wrong impression to whom? Did I really care what anyone thought?
"Are you ready to talk about the vampire part of your life's drama?" Laura tried to lighten the mood, but it didn't quite work.
I sighed and sat back down on the couch. "Yeah, I guess so. I just don't know what to make of it. I'm so confused."
"Well, let's see if we can clear some things up, shall we?" She sounded so eager to help, and I couldn't help but smile at her. I realized that it probably felt good for her to be able to help someone else for a change, having been on the receiving end since the death of her husband.
"How did it feel to see them again?"
"Shocking," I snorted. "It was supposed to be like they never existed, and here they were again."
"And after the shock subsided, how did you feel then?" she prodded.
"Confused," I hedged, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "I'm just going to get some more water," I said, standing up and grabbing my glass. "Can I get you anything?"
She declined, and I went to the kitchen to refill my glass. I knew I should talk to Laura about how I really felt about the Cullens, and about Edward, but I was afraid if I opened up, I would break down again. I steeled myself and went back into the living room.
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Laura said, understanding in her voice. "But I don't think it's good for you to keep everything bottled up."
I plopped back down on the couch, spilling some water on my shirt in the process. "I know," I sighed, taking a big gulp of the water and then placing the glass on the table, at a safe distance from my flaying limbs.
"I've tried the bottle-up-thing, and I ended up in a catatonic state, I'm not doing that again," I stated with more conviction that I felt. "I just don't know how I feel."
"Okay, let me tell you how I think you feel, and then you can correct me if I'm wrong. Deal?"
"Sure," I agreed, curious to find out what she would say.
"I think that you're feeling very torn at the moment. You were essentially abandoned in the cruelest way by a bunch of people you loved, considered family even. Your boyfriend, who you were willing to give up everything for, even life itself, told you he didn't love you and that you weren't good enough for him. You felt as if you had nothing left; no love, no family, and no self-worth."
Her words brought me back to the night when Edward left me in the woods, and the tears started to pool in my eyes. I felt the familiar pain in my chest, and I instinctively wrapped my arms around myself in an effort to keep the hole from opening up again.
"You went into a deep depression, and were in pain for months, but you eventually managed to fight back, and in the process you discovered new aspects about yourself. You grew up, became more confident, and found your inner strength." Laura looked at me with pride in her eyes, and reached out and squeezed my hand.
"Then, when you finally felt happy again," she continued with a sigh, "they came back. Now you feel confused, and you don't know what to believe. You still love them, but you're hurt that they left you like that. You want them back in your life, but you're afraid to let them in, in case they hurt you all over again. You're angry at them, but in order to resolve your anger with them, you have to show your pain, and that makes you vulnerable. Your pride is also getting in your way of being honest with them."
Wow, she's good!
"To make things even more confusing, your ex, Edward?" she asked. I nodded, confirming that she got the name right.
"Edward tells you that he never stopped loving you, that he left to protect you, and that everything you've believed to be true about him for the last year was a lie." I was nodding my head furiously, urging her to go on.
"I'm guessing that seeing him again brought back a lot of your old feelings? You always have a special place in your heart for your first love, and to hear him say he still loves you forces you to confront your feelings for him. Am I getting it right so far?"
"Definitely," I choked out, feeling slightly overwhelmed.
"So the question then becomes; how do you feel about him now?"
"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it."
"Don't think, just talk," she advised me. "Just let yourself go, and speak from your heart."
"Okay," I sighed, trying really hard to do as she said. "I'm angry with him. I don't know if I should believe what he told me when he left, or what he told me today. I feel like he's playing games with me, and it pisses me off!" I stood up, feeling the need to pace across the floor as I opened up my heart.
"I don't know what he wants from me, and I don't trust him." My anger deflated, and the sadness returned. "But when I looked at him today, and he looked so heartbroken, I just…"
"You just…what, Bella?" Laura pushed me with a soft voice.
"I just wanted to take his pain away," I admitted, slumping down beside her. "I don't want him to hurt. I want to see that crooked smile again and hear his laughter. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him everything's going to be all right."
"And…?"
"And…and I want to slap him and scream at him and curse him for doing this to me!"
"You still love him." It was a statement not a question.
"Yes," I admitted.
"Are you still in love with him?"
"I…" I didn't know what to say. Was I still in love with him?
"I'll give you a minute to think about it," Laura said and stood up. "I'm going to get some sheets and pillows so we can make up the couch for you." I just stared at her dumbly, not quite following.
"You're spending the night here," she chuckled at my confused expression.
"Oh," I replied brilliantly. "But my stuff is over at Paul's."
"I'll give Emily a call and have one of the boys bring it over."
"Okay," I acquiesced. Laura left to take care of things, and I was left to my thoughts. I called out to her, saying I was just going to step out on the porch.
The fresh night air hit my face, and I instantly relaxed when I smelled the unique blend of salt water and forest that was La Push. I took a couple of deep breaths and began to analyze my feelings for Edward.
I knew that I would always love and care about him, but that didn't mean I was in love with him. If what he said was true, and he left to keep me safe, did that mean he wanted me back now? Did I want him back? If I got back together with him, was he going to leave me again at the first sign of trouble?
What about the rest of the Cullens? Did they really care about me? Was their affection dependent on me being with Edward?
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had a million questions and very few answers. When Edward had told me he loved me, I had panicked and run away. I hadn't even stayed long enough to find out how long they were going to stay in Forks. I knew I had to go back and talk to them, or I would never be able to come to any sort of conclusion about my feelings.
Dammit, I guess tomorrow won't be drama free either.
Unknown POV
"Is everything still going according to plan?" he demanded to know, and I could hear the annoyance in his voice.
"There have been a few changes, but things are falling into place again," I answered, eager to satisfy him.
"I don't care how you go about it, as long as the end result is the same." His voice was still stern, but I could hear him softening up a little.
"I can assure you that you will be pleased, and you won't have to wait much longer."
"Good," he praised, and I smiled, knowing I had managed to placate him for the moment. Not long now, I thought to myself, and I will finally have everything I've been working so hard for. Just a few problems to get rid of, and then my new life could begin.