CHAPTER 2

One Month Later;

I actually realized that pretending to be happy for someone and genuinely being happy for them are two totally different things. Well, I knew that they were different to begin with but I never really felt the need to do it before. Lately, it's all I do.

And another thing I suck at doing; pretending to be happy.

If I was happy for her, I wouldn't get so pissed when she keeps blowing me off to be with Sam.

If I was happy for her, I wouldn't put on that blank, expressionless face when she talks about how well he treats her or when she talks about him in general.

If I was happy for her, I wouldn't feel the need to gag when I see pictures of them together on Twitter or Instagram.

And if I was really happy for her, I wouldn't mind losing my best friend to a guy that's giving her everything she's ever wanted.

It's like kind of like agreeing to disagree; I'll still stick to what I know and so will Santana, but instead we'll just smile in each other's faces because neither of us have the energy to argue. It's the same outcome every time: I speak my mind, Santana gets frustrated, and I pay the price. It happens every time I open my mouth and she has to hear something she doesn't like, and though there could be other ways of dealing with the problem, she rather wall herself up until she cools off.

Until she decides she wants to talk about it.

"Come on, baby, come on.." I pleaded, one hand on the key in the ignition and the other griping the steering wheel as if the tighter I hold it the more the car will feel how much I need it to start right now. The sound of the engine coughing up a whole lot of nothing made me die a little inside, but I kept trying though. I cranked the key once again, even pressing on the gas a little, and still nothing.

For about a month and a half now I've had this love hate relationship with my car; it's basically falling apart. It's gotten so bad that, just to be on the safe side, I could only drive within a ten mile radius of my house because the car was forever dying like this. It's a good thing that I live pretty much in the middle of everything though; however, now that it's gotten a little colder out, the possibility of my car dying and I having to walk is not something I want.

"I don't need this right now, please.." I begged and tried once more. I sat at the edge of my seat, tapping on the gas as I turned the key, and soon the car roared to life. "Oh thank you, thank you!" I cheered and sat myself back and strapped on my seat belt. Judging by the time on the dashboard clock, I might actually be on time to class today! With my car acting up more than usual, that's become a growing problem.

Just as I put the car in reverse and was slowly backing out of my driveway, it died yet again.

"Damnit! Are you kidding me?" I groaned and smacked the steering wheel. I tried to start it but I knew that battery had died again. I'm no mechanic, but I can totally tell when the car's dead and mine is definitely dead. It's the same thing every time; it's either billowing smoke from under the hood or something drained the battery or it's leaking, there's really an ongoing list of problems.

I checked the time again and contemplated whether I should make the call or not. Santana did live just five minutes away and she does have a car now thanks to her doctor of a dad.

And she is the only person I feel comfortable enough to call for help.

But no, I couldn't. I already feel like I'm a nuisance when I try to talk to her and she's busy. She could be busy right now..with Sam.

Doing who knows what. Gross.

I could find someone else to help me.

I pulled out my phone and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled.

I should probably make more friends.

Before I could stop myself, I was going to the S's and making the call.

I always got this weird anxious feeling whenever I called Santana, even texts from her made me feel like I had drank six gallons of coffee and needed to run laps. She didn't even have to say anything special, because just asking what channel a certain show comes on still had me feeling jittery and I never understood why.

Then again, I don't understand a lot of things when it comes to Santana.

"Hey, this is Santana. Leave a Message and I'll call back..or won't." Beep.

I ended the call and let out a deep sigh. Of course she wouldn't pick up, she never picks up on the first call..or the second for that matter. I set my phone aside and rested my forehead on the steering wheel as I tried not to cry from feeling so helpless.

"What am I going to do?" I mumbled aloud and checked the time again, "Yeah, I'm definitely going to be late." I was just about to try the car again when my phone started ringing out. I glanced down and saw Santana's name flash atop the screen and with wide eyes, I scrambled to answer it.

"Hey, you called?"

"Yeah, are you busy right now?" I asked hesitantly.

"Mm, I'm about to go meet up with Sam. Maybe we can hang out nex-"

"I wasn't calling to hang out." I replied hating that's what she automatically assumed of me, but not wanting to ruin my chance to get her to help me because of my big mouth, I gained some composure.

"Oh..well..what's up?"

"My-uhm-my car died..could you come give me a jump?"

"Uh, yeah..sure. I don't know how to do that though.."

"That's okay, I do." I replied happily and told her where I was. Within minutes, I caught the glimpse of her little green car whipping around the corner and making the U-turn to park in front of my house. I dug my hands in my sweater pockets as I watched her exit her car, flipping dark locks over her shoulder before zipping up her dark brown leather jacket and fitting her hands in her pockets too.

I think my favorite thing about Fall is that Santana breaks out her leather jackets again. I think I loved her in them more than she did.

Not that I think she's really attractive in them or anything! I mean, I'm still getting used to this whole gay thing and I don't know what's allowed anymore. She's my best friend and I can totally admire another girl who can pull off a look perfectly, doesn't mean I like her or anything. Or does it? Hell, I don't know. Does this count as checking her out? I mean, Santana is beautiful and all but that doesn't mean-

"Hey!" She waved to me, breaking me out of my internal panic attack, then looked to my car, "So, what do I have to do.." I grinned at the confused look plastered on her face as she tilted her head at my car. For some reason all that pent up aggression I had earlier was now gone as I watched her and suddenly I just felt happy that she was actually standing here in front of me.

"Well, I need you to park up here in the grass because I don't think the chords can reach all the way over there." I suggested watching her head snap up at the mention of making her car do a little off roading. "Do you want me to do it?" I laughed and she gladly tossed me her keys. I did a quick whip around and slowly inched her car next to mine before hopping out. "Can you go in my trunk and get the cables?" I asked as I walked around and started to lift the hood of each car. Opening mine up was easy since I'm constantly having to open it up but when I moved to hers, it was a different story. I wiggled my fingers underneath the tiny space where the latch usually was, but I still couldn't find it. I furrowed my brows and ducked down a little more as I slid my fingers along the edge of the hood until I finally found the clasp.

With a triumphant smile, I flicked the latch and raised the hood above my head. I kept my arms raised though, making sure that the hood stayed opened. Her car was slightly older than mine and I was not trying to have the hood fall on my head, that would be embarrassing. I felt the crisp air hit my skin from the hem of my sweater hiking up a little and instantly cursed myself for not tucking in my undershirt.

Just as I dropped my arms and spin around to check on my car, I nearly collided with Santana who was standing just behind me. My eyes instantly found her darkening pools of brown, which flicked up just as I turned around, but the sudden eye contact was too much for me. I tried darting my eyes to the ground just as she poked her tongue out and licked her lips, but itt was like my eyes were glued to her mouth and now matter how hard I tried to look away, I couldn't. I found myself swallowing hard at the slow movement, watching how the tip of her tongue ran teasingly along her full bottom lip like it was all in slow motion, my palms heating up as I suddenly felt that buzzing feeling again.

Then I thought that maybe I left my hand on her car battery and I was actually being electrocuted, because it sure felt that way.

"Found them." She said, my eyes finally tearing away from her lips before looking to her lifting up the cables.

"Cool." I nodded and hurriedly brushed past her to get the chords connected properly. I needed to get away from her quickly, because that was just weird. It totally just stared at her lips but I'm sure she didn't even realize it because she seemed just as zoned out as I was! It was like I was paralyzed and being so close like that made me nervous and I did not want to be nervous when handling car batteries and electricity.

I ducked under the hood and started hooking up the clamps, red with red and black with black, when I felt the heat radiating off Santana's body so close to me again.

"What are you doing?" She asked curiously as she moved to stand next to me, the side of her arm brushing past mine as she stared down at my hands.

"Uhh, I'm putting on these vampire teeth looking things to each battery then I'm going to press on your gas pedal so I can get the juices flowing." I shrugged, trying to keep my eyes off of how the sunlight hits her hair making it look this goldeny brown color instead of plain black. Then I realized how what I just said sounded and began feeling the heat rush to my cheeks. Juices flowing? Really? I could tell she didn't catch on though as she kept looking down, thank God. "Then I'll go and try to start my car again. It should work." I straightened up as she turned to me and smiled before following me over to the next car and doing the same thing.

"Okay, everything's all connected. I'm gonna rev the engine a little now." San nodded and folded her arms over her chest as she backed away from the open hoods and watched. I started her car with ease and pressed the gas pedal lightly a few times before just sitting there to give it a little time to run. I listened as the car rumbled, hoping that it would drown out all noise in my head Santana was inadvertently causing. I couldn't understand what was going on with me! Santana has no concept of personal space, she never has, so why the hell was it making me so jittery now? She's always been like that!

Shaking my head and trying to be normal, I got out of her car and walked around to mine, with San following, then got in. She kept her arms folded as she leaned against the opened door, watching me yet again. With the key in the ignition, I cranked until the car roared to life.

"Hell yes!" I cheered triumphantly and tightened my grip on the steering wheel as I leaned in to kiss it, "Thank you!"

"Ooh, I'm jealous." San smirked as I pressed my lips to my steering wheel a couple more times, completely overjoyed that it actually worked. At her voice, my eyes widened slightly as I pulled away stiffly before turning to her.

"Huh?" I stammered but she just smirked again and shrugged her shoulder before disappearing to the front of the cars. I sat there a moment and tried thinking of what exactly made her jealous, if she really was jealous, if she was joking about being jealous, before realizing I was blowing it way out of proportion. Shaking my head yet again, I pushed myself up out of the car and followed her around to the hoods before she could think that her comment had made me feel some type of way.

"Now what?"

Looking to my left and watching her glance back and forth between the cars, I shrugged. "We can disconnect the cables now." She moved excitedly to her car's battery, but I quickly pinched her jacket and tugged her back a little. "I'll disconnect them," I giggled, "I'm not trying to have you electrocute yourself. I don't know CPR."

"Well that's a shame," She smirked, throwing her hands up in defeat and backing away. I gave her a smile and turned away just as my brows furrowed.

What's a shame? That I didn't let her detach everything or that I didn't know CPR..

Overthinking it yet again, Britt..

I tugged off the clips, making sure they didn't touch, as I lifted my arms and reached for the hood.

"Are you hitting another growth spurt or are your clothes shrinking?" She admonished as I felt her warm fingertips brush the sliver of skin peeking out between the hem of my jeans and my sweater. I felt her fingers curl into my top as she pulled it down over my jeans making my arms instantly fall with the hood. "Your pervy neighbor might be out, Britt, be careful." She whispered playfully in my ear, her cool breath hitting my neck and sending a shiver, as she kept her hand resting flat against the small of my back, keeping my shirt down.

"I think our new dryer is shrinking my clothes.." I answered flatly hoping that my voice came out stutter-free as I slid away from San's hand and made my way over to my car's battery. She just chuckled and followed me, this time putting a little distance between our bodies which I was grateful for. I detached the clamps and rolled up the chords neatly before slamming my hood shut and throwing the cables in the trunk.

"You're good now?" She asked as I walked back around to her.

"Mhm," I nodded then looked to her car still parked in the grass, "You want me to move your car back to the street?"

"That'd be nice," She smiled brightly with her dimples showing. I laughed for some reason and hopped into the driver's seat as I began to back her car out. In minutes, we were meeting at the driver's side of her car.

"Thanks for helping," I ducked my head bashfully. I've always hated asking for help, no matter what it was I needed help with, but being friends with Santana for so long, I'm not that afraid to ask her anymore.

"Sure," She nodded, "I really wish you'd get a new care though, I don't like how you always have to do this." She waved her hand to my car tiredly, but I just shrugged.

"I need money to do that and I don't have it right now." I sighed, "I mean, if there was a way I could like make payments on it every month or whenever I had it, that'd be awesome but everyone wants a down payment or whatever and I don't even have enough for that."

"Yeah, true.." She hummed then checked her phone, "Well, it's safe to say you have officially missed your class..did you want to have lunch with Sam and I?"

I tried hard not to show my complete disgust for the guy as she mentioned his name and shook my head, "Uhh..no."

She took a step forward so she was out of the street as a car passed, the new closeness causing me to press back against her car further, trapping me between. "Why not? You never want to hang out with us."

"Well duh, why would I choose to be a third wheel?" I tried to joke but it ended up sounding like a scoff. Her jaw clenched tight at that and I automatically wanted to face palm, "I mean, I've already got plans.."

"Oh, with who?"

"A friend?"

"Yeah," She laughed like it was obvious, "Who?"

"Uhm.." I hummed trying to pick a name out of the very slim selection of friends, "Mike.."

"Ohhh," She nodded, "I didn't know you guys hung out without me there." I couldn't tell whether that was a stab at my nonexistent social life or just mere observation, but I shrugged anyway.

"Yeah, we go out to eat every once in awhile. You know how he likes to vent about Tina.."

"Huh," Her brows lifting like she didn't believe me, like it wasn't possible for me to do things without her. I totally can! We're not attached to the hip anymore, we can't be since Sam's there now. "Does he know?" She asked quietly, her expressions seeming a little colder now.

"Know what?" I asked, shifting my weight.

"That you're a lesbian."

There wasn't any special way she said that word, no sneer or scoff added, but I still stiffened up anyway. It was one thing being called gay, but it was another thing being called a lesbian and the word just seemed way too big for me. She was only stating a fact, but for some reason being called gay and being labeled a lesbian took on two totally different meanings, like one was somehow easier to swallow, like it was slightly less scary than the other. People toss around gay like it's a joke, like that's not someone's life and the source of initial pain and confusion, and that made me feel normal.

But I don't know what's worse, being laughed at because your sexuality isn't taken seriously or being looked at like you're an abomination and anything you touch is corrupted now.

I want to be liked.

Suddenly I felt constricted again, paranoid, like someone could've heard even though her voice was only a whisper. My eyes darted down the street, checking, even though I knew no one was around. My hands felt numb and I couldn't decide whether it was the cold or if it was hearing that..term that had me frozen. I didn't like it at all. I didn't like how I reacted. I didn't like how she looked at me. I didn't like the feeling it gave me. I didn't like any of it.

"Don't..Don't call me that..I don't like that word," I stammered. I wanted to scold her but it came out like a broken plea. She tilted her head to me, lips parted, but didn't say anything else; just stared, watching me implode. Not wanting to drag out the sudden tension filled air, I inhaled deeply as the cool breeze tousled my hair, the air shocking me out of my thoughts, and licked my lips. "He doesn't."

"Oh, well..I'm sure he'd be cool with it." She shrugged casually, looking as if she wasn't affected by my silent meltdown before. I smiled weakly at her attempt to recover from making me freeze up like I did; we've never been good at comforting each other so I didn't expect much. She checked her phone again, probably for the time or maybe a text from Sam, "I gotta get going now."

"Okay."

"We never hangout anymore," She pouted as she turned away to open her door.

"Our schedules don't really matchup.." I sighed, crossing my arms over myself to shield my body from the wind.

"Yeah, you're always studying." She scoffed like it was my fault. "Or working..You have no time for me anymore."

"Uh..no. Maybe if you weren't spending all your time with Sam the rebound then you'd notice I'm always trying to spend time with you!" I snapped, defensive because I'm constantly trying to work something out with her. She's the busy one, not me. And for her to even think that it was my fault was just baffling to me!

That set her off.

Her eyes bore into me, brows furrowing, as he jaw clamped tight again. She stared like she wanted to say something else, but instead she huffed and jumped into her car. I took a step back while she just griped her steering wheel tight.

Her window was still down from earlier, so she turned to me, eyes softening as she stared up. I looked down at her, trying to look anywhere but in her eyes, but the only other place was her lips and I just couldn't risk whatever that was that happened earlier happen again.

"See you later."

And with that she drove off, leaving me standing in the middle of the street watching her leave.

"I'm a fucking idiot." I groaned and ran my hand roughly through my hair before walking towards my car. One thing Santana hated was when someone referred to her relationships as rebounds. That's basically what they are though. She craves attention, someone to make her feel wanted and loved and cared for, and she can't last more than a couple weeks without it! That's why she moves on so quickly. I know. She knows. Everyone knows. But me being the faithful best friend, I'm supposed to sugar coat it all for her so she can live with what she's doing.

No one dares bring it up because there's nothing more dreadful than a pissed off Santana.

And I just brought it up knowing just how hurt she gets over it.

"Way to go, Brittany." I grumbled as I slumped down in the driver's seat and rested my head against the steering wheel. Once again my big mouth got the better of me.

A few days later;

"You know, the guy isn't even that good looking." I mumbled as I pushed around my triangles of French toast around on my plate. Mike sat across from me; shoveling scrambled eggs in his mouth like this was his last meal. It had become sort of tradition for us to venture out for breakfast and together we'd vent about our problems and lately I've had lots of problems.

It was nice to have someone to talk to other than my best friend because when the root of my problems were my best friend it got a little awkward.

Mike was cool though because unlike most guys, he was actually pretty sensitive and totally in tune with his girl talk side.

Sometimes too in tune though..

"Britt, you know he's a little cute." Mike muttered between bites, "Santana wouldn't go for someone if they weren't a little cute." Rolling my eyes, I just shrugged. "Are you jealous or something?"

Nearly choking on my sip of water, I looked up at him and glared, "Hell no, I'm not jealous. What?" Mike just smirked and shook his head before going back to stabbing his fork into fluffy egg whites.

"Calm down, I was just kidding. But he's a good looking guy, Britt, I'd be jealous if I was a girl and my best friend snatched him up first!"

"The more you talk about his looks the more I think it's you who actually wants him." I grumbled and poked at my hash browns.

"Sorry, I'll stop." He nodded when he noticed I wasn't laughing along with him. "But I get what you mean, it is pretty messed up about Santana. I mean, you guys are best friends. That doesn't change when she starts talking to a guy."

"That's what I'm saying! But she doesn't get that, I guess." I sighed, unlocking my phone to see if she had replied to my text asking what she was doing this weekend.

She hadn't. Of course, being ignored sucked but I totally understand why she was doing it.

"Well, maybe she's just been busy? You know Santana, her schedule is always loaded." Mike suggested.

"If she's got the time to spend with him then she's got enough time to reply to a text or give me a call, Mike, and she doesn't." I replied, locking my phone and pushing it to the side. "It's not that I want her to spend all her time with me like how it used to be, but it would be nice knowing what she's up to. Now that we're in different schools it's kind of hard keeping up with her and I don't want us to get to that point where I don't even know her anymore. I don't want that."

"Has it ever gotten that bad?" Mike asked, ducking his head down trying to find my eyes. I looked away quickly because that gesture was way too personal for me. Looking someone in the eyes is like peeking into them and seeing who they are, what they're hiding, and I was just not ready for all that yet. I swallowed back that panicky feeling creeping up my spine and shook my head.

"No, I guess not." I answered quietly, "This time just feels different though." Mike nodded, exhaling deeply, before going to finish up eating. I was a little glad that he didn't question my answer though, because I really couldn't even explain that feeling to myself. "What should I do?"

He slumped back against the booth, his muscular arms crossing over his chest as he pursed his lips, "You should probably apologize.."

"We don't do that sort of thing." I answered instantly. San and I don't talk about feelings and we certainly don't have these sappy heart to heart apologies, that just wasn't us.

"Well.." He laughed tiredly, "You pissed her off so you have to fix it. You know what you said wasn't nice, even if she kind of deserved it, so you're the one that has to fix it."

"Why's it have to be me though?" I grumbled, "She's the one who started it.."

"What is this? Middle school?" He grinned, "Who cares who started it, Britt, you've got to be the bigger person and finish it."

He was right, no matter how much I wanted to disagree, he was right. If I didn't make a move, our argument would just drag on forever until San finally wanted to fix it. But the thing is, San isn't one to fix things. She's perfectly capable of moving on without you, and that's something I can't have.

It was kind of like a game to her, let's see how long they can last without me, and we're all players. We're hooked. Personally, I never lasted long and I think somewhere deep down she knew that. It's Santana's game and she always wins. That's why she never made an attempt to fix things because she knows I'm already punishing myself before she even gets to me.

It wasn't until Mike and I were finished up with breakfast and I had already been home for three hours when Santana finally responded to my text.

Sanny: I made plans with Sam already..

I instantly rolled my eyes and stuffed my phone under my pillow without bothering to reply.

Being punished sucked.

I stared up at the ceiling, fingers entwining on my stomach, as I wandered down memory lane. Back when things were so much easier, when we used to have fun and laugh and everything wasn't about boyfriends and sharing time. Back when Santana couldn't not talk to me for longer than a couple hours, when we wouldn't drag out our arguments to the point where someone had to apologize but we both have a hard time with saying sorry.

Back when we'd spend the night at each other's houses and we'd make pancakes in the morning and giggle about who had the best bed head. Back when-

My phone vibrated again from under my pillow and I contemplated ignoring it; it could be just some stupid comment Santana came up with that'd make me hurt too.

Bad thing about being best friends for so long, we know just what to say to make each other feel like crap.

Taking my chances, I pulled my phone out and unlocked the screen.

Sanny: Why?

Surprised that she wanted a response from me, I quickly began typing back.

Brittz: My mom gave me a BOGO coupon for Breadstix & it doesn't expire for a couple weeks tho..

I hit send and waited patiently. Santana can't resist Breadstix and if she doesn't have to spend money, it's even better. Seconds ticked by, turning into minutes, and the suspense was slowly eating me up, but just as I was about to tuck my phone away again, she texted back.

Sanny: Can I be the free one?

Smiling dopily because I got another response, I typed again.

Brittz: Of course!

I waited again for a response, but this time the minutes turned into hours. All that hope I had earlier, the happiness I felt for finally not being ignored, was gone. My phone was long hidden away again because watching the time tick by was becoming discouraging.

It was disappointing how much Santana affected me. How empty I felt when she didn't talk to me. How she could make me feel so guilty for voicing my opinions. How she can carry on with her life not even caring that I was over here stewing in my shame.

But then as soon as she looked my way, all was forgiven. Like all that bad was somehow wiped away because she was actually acknowledging me again, and I was completely fine with that.

I wondered when she took so much power over me, when did it get so bad, but I couldn't think far enough back when it wasn't like this. I wanted nothing more than to break away from her hold on me, but at the same time, no matter how much it hurt or how sad it was, I wanted it forever.

As best friends though, because that's what we've always been, just best friends.

Approximately one hour and twenty-three minutes later, basically four years in texting time, Santana responded.

Sanny: Friday, 6?

Not being able to stop the giant smile stretching across my face, or that same buzzing feeling again, I quickly responded as if she would change her mind in the next five seconds if I didn't respond fast enough.

Brittz: Sounds good!

And just like that, Santana had me hooked again.

A/N If Brittany's emotions seem to switch up quickly at times, it's supposed to be that way. Not only is she struggling with her feelings but she's still figuring herself out, sexuality wise, and all that can take quite the toll on a person. I'm sure you guys can see that, but I just wanted to make sure I wasn't confusing anyone. Let me know!