Arya felt herself slowly drifting back to the realm of the living. She felt the warmth radiating from the body beside her. It was . . . pleasant. She had never imagined that she would be glad to wake up next to somebody. She leisurely got out of bed and went to Alex's bathroom to wash her face.
Alex joined Arya at the sink and began brushing her teeth. Upon noticing Alex's hair, they both laughed at the huge frizzy mess.
"I don't know what happened?" Alex giggled. "My hair is usually fine."
"I don't suppose Division gives you hair gel, does it?"
"Unfortunately, no. What should I do?"
"Here." said Arya bravely. "Let me fix it."
She was getting good at being a normal girl. It should have been easier to touch someone to whom she had bared a part of her soul, but even so Arya had to push herself.
With tentative movements, Arya combed her fingers through Alex's waves and began to weave the locks of hair into a French braid. Gaining confidence, she moved faster until all of Alex's hair was pulled back in the braid. Arya fastened it with a ponytail and surveyed her handiwork.
"Thanks, it looks great." said Alex warmly. "I've always liked the look of a French braid, but I have a hard time braiding my own hair. Do you want me to do yours?"
"Sure. Why not? We can match."
As Alex tugged gently on Arya's hair, the room filled with a comfortable silence. Arya had never willingly engaged in so much physical contact, and to her surprise it felt nice. She was making progress; more than ever before.
Running her hand along the ridges of the braid, Arya realized with a jolt how much had been missing from her life. She had never worn her hair in a French braid because she couldn't do it herself and there was never anyone to do it for her. But it wasn't just about the hair. There was never anyone for her to depend on. The friends she had made at the CIA were temporary. Now they thought she was dead; that didn't count. The knot in her stomach was a reminder to how messed up, how different she truly was from everyone else. Alex might have more in common with Arya than most, but even she would never truly comprehend how Arya felt.
"You okay?" asked Alex, concerned.
"Yeah, fine. I was just spacing for a sec. We'd better get going."
"Don't forget your box. What's in there anyway?"
"It's nothing, just shoes from Amanda."
After dropping off the shoebox in Arya's room, they headed to the cafeteria for breakfast. As they entered, Roger waved from his table. Alex and Arya joined him with their food.
"What happened last night?" he asked with a mixture of envy and worry.
"Everyone is so eager to find out what happened, but I didn't do anything too impressive. I was just there to distract another man so that Michael could get in his briefcase and copy some files."
"Any man in his right mind wouldn't have been able to take his eyes off of you in that dress. I know I'd have been distracted." Chad said from behind them.
Arya rolled her eyes.
"Save your lame pickup lines for someone who cares." she responded sardonically.
"I'm hurt." he said with mock sadness.
"I bet Jaden is just dying to make you feel better. Why don't you go sit with her?"
Arya turned back to her cereal, and Chad left to join Jaden.
After a quick breakfast, it was time to head to the training area for practice at hand to hand combat. Just Arya's luck, she was assigned to partner with Jaden for her first day of fighting.
"I just want to see what you know and what your strengths and weaknesses are." said the instructor, a large Caucasian man named Blake. "After this, you'll begin your formal training. Don't be upset if you lose since Jaden has several months of experience on you."
They circled each other, hands raised. Arya had to remember that she wasn't supposed to know much about fighting, but it was hard to stop from instinctually analyzing Jaden's stance. Jaden threw the first punch and Arya ducked. She decided to be defensive. Arya wasn't just going to let Jaden knock her around even if she had to lose the fight.
Arya continued to dodge Jaden's blows until Jaden's fist collided with Arya's ribs. Making it seem as though the force of the hit had toppled her, Arya landed flat on her back with the gym mat to cushion the impact. She made no move to get up.
"I guess you're used to lying on your back." taunted Jaden.
"What's that supposed to mean."
"Well what else did you do with your sugar daddy in that fancy house in Paris?"
A cold rage came over Arya and she leapt to her feet.
"You'll pay for that." she snarled as she flew at Jaden, dealing her a vicious blow to the kidney.
Jaden dropped like a rock. Arya pinned Jaden's arms to the mat with her knees and sat astride her chest. Before she could do any damage, Blake pulled her off Jaden. Arya fought him, but she was no match for the bearlike man. He held her in a full nelson, keeping his grip tight.
Arya's eyes grew wider as she frantically thrashed against the unmoving instructor. She froze, utterly paralyzed with fear. Thinking that she had calmed down, Blake released her and she fell to the ground shaking. Seeing that something was clearly wrong, Roger ran to her side. He could tell from her eyes that she was somewhere else.
"It's Roger." he whispered, "Can you hear me? Come back to me."
She looked like a child caught in a nightmare. Roger just had to convince Arya to wake up. Suddenly, Roger remembered the lullaby that his mother sang to him to help him sleep when he was little. Cradling Arya in his arms, Roger hummed the soothing melody. Her breathing slowed and her heart rate returned to normal. She opened her eyes, meeting his warm brown ones with a mixture of gratitude and shame.
"Thank you." she said shakily.
"No problem. Are you alright?"
"Yeah. It was just a panic attack. I'm fine."
Jaden stood on the other side of the room sulking.
"Did you see that?" she whined to Blake. "That bitch attacked me! You need to report her."
He ignored her and focused his attention on the pair of recruits on the mats.
"Keep your hands up." Blake called. "Thom, don't let yourself get distracted. I want your eyes on your opponent at all times."
Arya noticed that Thom was watching Alex instead of his sparring partner and that Alex was returning the look. Thom's pupils widened almost unperceptively and his nostrils flared in the classic example of lust. For Alex's safety, Arya would keep an eye on Thom to make sure that his emotions were more than just primal and that he actually had feelings for Alex. That was what friends did. A warm, fuzzy sensation floated through Arya. She had a friend.
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Although this was only her second session with Amanda, the newest Division recruit already felt emotionally drained. Arya did not understand how people confided in each other on a daily basis. Never before had Arya understood the effort it took to expose oneself.
"Arya, I noticed that you were not in your room last night." began Amanda. "You slept in Alex's room."
Arya said nothing.
"It does happen that women who are abused by men turn to other women. They often feel more comfortable with a woman and that women are more trustworthy than men. If you have these feelings, it is perfectly normal, but I would like to talk to you about them."
"Oh, no. It's not like that." insisted Arya. "We were just talking and we fell asleep." She paused. "I'm not ready for that kind of relationship with anybody right now, and I don't know if I'll ever be."
After that expression of emotion, Amanda got little else out of Arya. The girl had clearly been making a huge effort to respond to Amanda's psychological probing, but she had reached her limit for the time being. Amanda was hoping to find out some answers about Arya in a way that transcended words. Everyone knows actions are infinitely more valuable.
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Technology had never been Arya's strong suit. She had wordlessly taken her seat next to Alex in the computer room and tried to mimic Alex's actions as the resident genius Birkhoff explained the basics of how to hack a computer.
Arya had disliked Birkhoff from the moment she met him. Her initial read on him was that he was a coward and a weakling who participated in the technological aspects of Division because it was his way of feeling like one of the spies even though he was not physically capable of being an agent.
He endlessly belittled the recruits for their lack of intellect and sloppy computer skills. Birkhoff could see that the members of Division did not respect him, so he demanded respect from the recruits. Birkoff also could not admit to his mistakes. Everything that went wrong was always someone else's fault. When a male recruit Robbie found a flaw in the system, Birkhoff was quick to dismiss him. Arya did not know enough from a technological standpoint to understand Robbie's point, but she could read the anger on Birkhoff's face for his mistake in the program being caught.
Once most of the recruits had mastered a rudimentary hack, Birkhoff spent the rest of the lesson bragging conceitedly about his network called Shadow-net. Arya quickly grew bored and focused her attention on the swirling screensaver. Unable to stop herself, she yawned loudly.
"If you want to make it here you're going to have to listen to me, doll face." said Birkhoff patronizingly.
"Don't mind me." replied Arya. "I always yawn when I'm interested."
The class snickered. Birkhoff's face grew steadily redder, but he continued talking about Shadow-net. Arya regretted her outburst and resolved to apologize. She had to do better.
When the recruits were dismissed, Arya approached Birkhoff.
"I'm really sorry for being rude to you." she said contritely. "I had just spent the past hour with Amanda, and she was kind of messing with my head. I feel terrible for taking my bad morning out on you."
"You should feel bad." huffed Birkhoff. "I'm going to let it slide this once, but from now on you need to be a model student."
"Thank you." smiled Arya.
Birkhoff smiled back, his attention on Arya's cleavage.
"Good, now get going."
Arya left the room, grimacing. Yuck, what a loser, she thought to herself as she headed to lunch.
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Alex and Thom were already sitting together at a table, ignoring their food: they were too engrossed in conversation. Thom leaned in closer and Alex's body curved to meet his. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, and they maintained constant eye contact during the conversation. There was smiling, flirting, and a bit of sexual tension.
Arya watched from afar, her lunch tray in hand.
"Jealous?" whispered Chad in her ear. "Because we could get them back."
"I'm not jealous of them." said Arya casually. "Just curious. As a friend."
"Well does Alex know that Jaden and Thom have been hooking up for the past few months? I bet that would change her mind about Thom."
"Aren't you and Jaden together? Why would she be with Thom?"
"Jaden and I aren't exclusive. We both see other people. If you're ever interested . . ." Chad leaned closer and licked his lips.
Arya's lip curled in disgust.
"Don't hold your breath."
She spun on her heel, her hair almost whipping him in the face, and marched across the room to where Roger was seated at a table.
"Hey there." he said cheerfully.
"Why are you in such a good mood?"
"I'm not supposed to talk about it, but I was just assigned to a mission."
"What for?" she asked, trying to keep the cynicism out of her voice.
"It's not what you think." answered Roger, seeing through her. "I'm not just acting as Percy's errand boy. This is an anti-terrorist mission for the good of the country. This is my chance to make up for the bad choices I've made. Division is giving me a second chance, and I'm taking it."
"That's great." said Arya, sincerely happy for Roger although she did not trust division. "Does this mean you're an agent now?"
"Nah," he shook his head, "but if I do well then I'll begin the final stage of my training and graduate."
"Agent Roger." she said with mock seriousness. "It has a nice ring to it."
Arya's eyes wandered back over to Alex and Thom who were just as she left them. Glancing up, Arya noticed Michael watching from upstairs. He looked jealous, she noted with interest. Why would Michael be jealous of Alex? Did he like her too? Arya felt as though she was living in a soap opera.
She moved to talk to Roger and caught him staring at her.
"What is it?" she asked self-consciously.
"You never know how these missions go down. I just want you to know, in case anything happens, that I like you. A lot. I know we just met, but I've never felt like this about anyone before."
Roger reached for her, and Arya had to pull away her hand that had been traveling towards his cheek.
"You don't want to get involved with someone like me." said Arya quietly. "I come with more baggage than you can imagine."
"I'm pretty strong; I think I can manage it."
"You might be strong enough, but I'm not. I'm sorry Roger, but I can't.
Arya did not want to deal with the pleading look on Roger's face. She had always been good at rejecting others and pushing them away. This time it hurt.
She did not meet Roger's eyes as he left the room. This was why she should never have gotten attached to anyone. She worked alone, she lived alone, and she was destined to die alone. Self-hatred flowed through her veins as Arya cursed herself for becoming so weak. She did not need anyone. She had survived by being self-sufficient and now was no time to falter.
The whole day had been overflowing with feelings, coursing through the air, and suffocating Arya under their weight. Life was easier when she remained numb. Arya hardened her heart to protect it from shattering under the force of the pain.
Author's note: Thanks as always to my amazing betareader Badassgenius. Please read and review!
(I'm sorry for the delay and there will be more chapters coming soon.)