Chapter 4: Are You Happy Now?
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2 1/2 Months Later
Late May
Precinct - Friday Afternoon
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Despite work being busy, the weeks since Sonny left had felt like the longest weeks of Amanda's life. Because she lost her person. The one she could vent to when having a bad day. Who made her laugh like no one else. Who'd bring her bear claws and remind her to eat. The one who thought she was perfectly imperfect. The one who loved her with everything he had.
There was a lot of regular communication between them at first, despite Amanda not being sure it was a good thing. Still the girls, as well as herself, looked forward to his phone and FaceTime calls. Which as time went on came around less often. Last week he hadn't called at all and never answered hers.
And as more and more time past the more and more Billie, and then eventually Jesse, settled into their new normal. No more running to see if it was Sonny calling when Amanda's phone rang. No more asking if they could call him. No more wondering out loud when he'd be back to see them. They were starting to grow use to Sonny being gone, though Amanda hadn't. She often felt as though she never would.
When she returned to the precinct after taking lunch she saw Liv, Fin, and Velasco were all gathered by the sergeant's desk deep in conversation.
Liv sighed. "It sounds like we need to reinterview Julia. Is she still in the city?"
Fin shook his head. "No, the semester ended last week. She's back home for the summer."
"Where is home?" Liv asked him.
Fin began rummaging through his paperwork. "Tonawanda. Wherever that is."
Velasco pulled his cell out and Googled it. He then briefly locked eyes with Amanda from across the room, before turning his attention to his Captain and sergeant. "It's umm…right outside of Buffalo."
Amanda, who had only been halfheartedly listening, kept her eyes focused on her computer screen but started listening much more intently.
Liv glanced over at Amanda, but then turned back to Velasco and asked, "I know you're scheduled off tomorrow, but is there any chance you can fly out there Saturday morning and speak with her?"
Velasco shook his head. "I can't. There's umm…something I gotta do."
Liv eyed him curiously and then as she fixed her mouth to ask Fin, her sergeant immediately interrupted her.
"I can't go either."
She shot them both looks, but Fin just shrugged. Liv looked over at Amanda. "Rollins, my office."
The blonde nodded, got up from her seat and followed her Captain into her office.
"Can you close the door?" Liv asked as she sat down at her desk.
Amanda did as she was asked and then took a seat in the free chair across from Liv's desk.
"I'm sure you overheard what the three of us were talking about out there." Liv said to her as she removed her glasses and set them down in front of her.
Amanda nodded slowly.
"Would you be able to find someone to stay with the girls so you can go out to Buffalo and talk with Julia Newell? I know it's Velasco's case and you were out sick when it initially came in and weren't as heavily involved in it, but—
"I can do it." Amanda said, interrupting. "Jesse and Billie can stay with my parents. I was plannin' to bring them up to Rockland for a visit this weekend anyway so it'll be fine."
Liv nodded. "Are you going to see Carisi while you're out there?"
"I'd like to." Amanda said to her honestly. "If he's free. See firsthand how he's doing."
Liv took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "You know, I was a little surprised at his sudden change of heart about the job. When I first talked to him about it he seemed so sure he didn't want to accept it, though I could tell it appealed to him. I couldn't understand why he at the very least wasn't giving it some serious consideration. Then as time went on it became clearer to me why that was."
She paused for a moment and then continued. "How long were you two a thing?"
Amanda sighed. "Since Fin and Phoebe's wedding."
Liv raised her eyebrows. "It started a year ago?"
Amanda ran a hand through her hair. "We didn't intend to keep it a secret for as long as we did. We delayed making it public because we were worried about the implications. If our relationship had continued on the way it had, we know we would've eventually put ourselves and you in a bad position and I'm really sorry for that. We had been gearing up to disclose right when Carisi's job offer came around. When he decided to take it, we figured there was no point in bringing it up anymore."
Liv sat quietly as she took a moment to take in everything her detective had just told her before finally commenting.
"While I had a feeling that there had been something going on between you two around the time he left, I'm not happy to hear it had been going on for as long as it had in secret. You should've told me about it sooner. But at the end of the day, no case was compromised because of it. Most of the ones he recently prosecuted were for the Homicide Bureau and in the few he took to trial for us you didn't need to go on the stand and testify."
"And now it's over so it's nothing you'll have to worry about in the future." Amanda added.
Liv sighed. "Why did you tell him to take it?"
"What makes you think I did?" Amanda asked, eyeing her curiously.
"Because knowing Carisi and knowing what I now know about the two of you, he never would've willingly left you and girls unless you and only you somehow pushed him into it."
Amanda started to fidget around. "You're right. I did. I broke up with him."
"You put him in a position where he'd lose you either way?" Liv asked, seeking clarification.
She nodded.
"But he's in love with you Amanda." A confused Liv told her. "He has been for a very long time. And if you love him, which I can tell that you do, why would you want him to leave?"
Amanda sighed. "I could never live with myself knowing he passed over a dream job solely because of me. He's never gonna become second in command in the DA's office down here, but he will eventually be able to find someone new to love out in Buffalo. Probably someone a lot better. A woman who isn't an ex-gambling addict with two baby daddies."
Liv frowned at the last part of her statement and fixed her lips to respond but Amanda cut her off.
"He was never gonna go if I didn't give him a reason to. So I gave him one. Because it's for the best. He'll see that in time. I don't want him waking up one day…5, 10 years from now telling me the girls and I aren't enough. That he feels unfulfilled."
"But what about your happiness, Amanda?" Liv asked her. "You're making this sacrifice for Carisi. Because you think it'll make him happier in the long run, but are YOU happy with how your life is now? With him not in it?"
She sat contemplating Liv's question for a long while before telling her, "I've got Jesse and Billie. My job. My friends."
"But are you happy?" Liv asked, a little more directly this time.
"I'm happy-ish." Amanda finally admitted.
Liv nodded. "Well you deserve to be more than happy-ish, Amanda Rollins."
Amanda sat quietly contemplating Liv's statement and realized she was right. Sonny deserved to feel fulfilled and happy in all aspects of his life and so did she. But was it possible for them both to achieve that level of happiness AND be together? She didn't know if it was.
Amanda slowly got up from her seat. "I should start looking at flights and book one."
Liv nodded and watched as she started to make her way out of the office.
"Rollins."
"Yeah?" She asked, turning around.
"It's a short flight to Buffalo, but use that hour and a half to think about what I said."
Amanda nodded and then slowly exited.
She sat back down at her desk and as she did Fin and Velasco, who were on their way out to take lunch, passed by.
"Hey Fin, Velasco." She said stopping them. "Why couldn't either of you go to Buffalo? What do you have going on?" A curious Amanda asked.
"I have to wash my hair that day." Velasco told her very matter of factly.
"Same." Fin said.
She gave them a small smile, turned her attention to her computer and started looking at flights.
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Buffalo Niagara International Airport - Saturday 10:30a
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Sonny checked his phone and then looked around for Amanda. Her flight into Buffalo had been delayed, but he just got a text from her saying the plane had landed and they were starting to disembark.
He sat quietly waiting for a little while longer. Then just as he was about to check his phone again he thought he saw someone that looked like her coming his way. He stood up, squinted and smiled when he realized it was in fact her.
"Amanda," He said as he engulfed her in a big hug and whispered. "It's so good to see you."
She closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest. "It's so good to see you too."
The two stood embracing each other for a long time before finally pulling apart.
"We should probably get going." Amanda said, checking her watch. "I'm supposed to be meeting Julia at 12p and I still need to check in with Tonawanda PD and let them know I'm here."
"OK." Sonny said as he picked up her duffel bag from the floor. "Is this all you brought?"
Amanda nodded. "Yeah." She then reached inside and pulled out a colored pencil drawing. "Jesse made this for you."
Sonny stared down and smiled at the picture of a very well drawn planet Earth but with wild black squiggles in the background.
"I'm guessin' Billie was the one who added in the nighttime sky." He said chuckling.
"Yup." Amanda told him. "Behind Jesse's back."
"Oh boy." Sonny said cringing.
Amanda nodded. "She was so pissed off."
"I can hear Jess now," Sonny said and at the same time and in the same high pitched squeaky voice they yelled out:
"BILLIEEEEEEE! What. Did. You. DOOO?!"
"BILLIEEEEEEE! What. Did. You. DOOO?!"
They both broke out into hysterical laughter.
Once they finally stopped Sonny folded the drawing back up. "Can't wait to put this on my fridge." He said to her.
Amanda remained quiet, but gave him a small smile.
The two then began making their way toward the exit.
"Thanks for picking me up and for letting me stay with you." Amanda said once they got outside. "I hope I didn't mess up any plans you had for the weekend."
"You didn't and I'm glad you're stayin' with me." Sonny told her smiling. "I wish it was for more than one night, but I know this is technically a work trip and you need to get back home to the girls."
"So what was the issue with your flight?" He asked curiously. "It shoulda been short and easy."
She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Well we were running late and then a fist fight broke out between two flight attendants right before we were about to take off so we had to wait for security to escort them off the plane and then for the airline to find two replacements."
"A fight between flight attendants?" Sonny shook his head. "Rollins, I've told you a million times to stop flyin' with those budget no name airlines. Especially on NYPD's dime."
"Yeah but they make you pay upfront now and it takes forever for the reimbursement to go through." Amanda complained.
Sonny playfully rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Still bein' cheap. Good to see some things haven't changed."
Amanda hit him in the arm, but grinned and the two continued along toward the airport parking lot.
As they did she thought about how, despite the time and distance between them, they were able to easily slide back into being 'them,' Sonny and Amanda, and it felt good. So good she wasn't sure how she'd find it within her to leave him. Especially as Liv's words began to replay in her head.
"…you deserve to be more than happy-ish, Amanda Rollins."
But then she started wondering what Sonny's life was like in Buffalo. Because while she could tell he clearly missed her, he hadn't expressed any doubts or regrets about the move in any of their increasingly dwindling phone calls. He was always upbeat and positive. Was it a front or was he being genuine? Amanda wasn't sure. But she figured she would soon find out.