Sun and Moon
Disclaimer: All I own is this story.
Ch. 7: A New Beginning
EPOV
After four hours of running from Denali and the resultant aftermath of the worst mistake in my life, I decided to hunt. I gorged myself on several deer and tried to shut down my thoughts. The strange pull I felt drawing me to the South was still there but it was now just a dull throb. Some instinct told me that I was not supposed to be there right away; that I should take my time reaching it. Without putting much thought into my decisions, I started to wander aimlessly.
For the last four months I spent my time between hunting and thinking about the past. I realized early on that I needed to man up and face my mistakes head on if I was going to be able to move forward. All the while my path kept meandering in a southerly course. One of the things I continually returned to in my soul searching was when Rose called me a coward. I never thought of myself as anything less than a man of honor, I had wanted to enlist to fight in WW1 after all. Then it hit me that had been a human dream and I needed to compare her charge against how I acted as a vampire. To say the pattern I discovered that ninety-plus year period shocked me.
When I had first awoken to this existence, I was angry at first but that faded quickly with Carlisle's help. He was such a compassionate and loving person that I found myself wanting nothing more than to spend hours in his company. Carlisle taught me that there was no glory in war and was the first person that made me feel that I wanted to be better than I was. When he brought Esme over into this existence, I was hurt but it was after he made the gentle woman his mate that I felt angry and betrayed so I ran away. Sure, I had told them that I was sick of being kept from my natural food source but the truth was that I could not face seeing them together. That was my first cowardly act; my second was when I crawled back, not just because I felt like a monster but that I needed to feel loved.
Then there was how I responded to Rosalie when she joined the family. My father had wanted her to be my mate but the very idea repulsed me. Perhaps if I had explained things instead of hiding behind a mask of superiority, our sibling bond would be better than it is. After Emmett became one of us, I had thought I might get back a portion of the companionship that I originally had with Carlisle. Unfortunately, the ox only had eyes for Rose for those first few decades. My hopes were dashed again after Alice and Jasper joined us. I never begrudged them the love of their Soul Mates but I was jealous of the time the women got to spend with them.
My internal musings brought me to two situations that while on the surface seemed separate were linked; Tanya and Bella. The Denali had thrown herself at me from the moment my family met her Coven. Again, I took the cowards way out and hid behind gentlemanly behavior as I repeatedly declined her advances. I should have told her how disgusting I found the prospect of having sex with her and not suffered in silence. Bella, my poor Bella, my inner voice sighed when I thought of the time I had spent with the human. It has been said that hindsight was 20/20 and I have learned the truth of that axiom.
Bella's blood had called to me so strongly that I fled from it, at first, so that all of Carlisle's hard work would not be destroyed. After I returned from my brief exile in Denali, I endeavored to ignore the human but found myself inexplicably drawn to her beyond the scent of her blood. The chocolate eyed mortal girl turned out to be selfless, highly intelligent, compassionate, and a razor sharp insight that cut through any and all pretense to the truth of things. In short, she reminded me of a little of Carlisle. It was not long before I came to love her, but I was never in love her. The first time I kissed her, it was an experiment to see if I was able to make myself be in love with her. When our lips met, it was like kissing a deer; just plain wrong. Unfortunately, Bella rather enjoyed it and surrendered herself to her raging teenaged hormones. It disgusted me whenever she tried to push us into a more physical relationship.
Ironically, it was guilt over what happened with James that kept me romantically involved with Bella because guilt over the events of her birthday that forced me to see the light. My cowardly actions had ended up only causing pain for her and my family. Bella had always been my best friend and I was happy she found somebody that was able to give her what she deserved. My mental review led to an epiphany, all the teasing my siblings had subjected me to over the years had been grounded in truth.
"I am gay," I said aloud as I dropped the coyote carcass from my hands.
The second those words were said aloud, it was as if a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. All that denial had been eating away at my soul and now it was gone. No longer able to lie to myself, I understood that my feeling like a monster stemmed not from the lives that I took but from repressing my true self. Homosexuality had been considered a crime in my time. If I was ever going to find happiness then I needed to stop living by the mores of my human years and change with the times.
Stereotypical though it sounds, I thought the best place to reinvent myself and explore my orientation was San Francisco. I was in the city for a month and for the first time ever, I enjoyed myself. In addition to updating my wardrobe, I ended up having a couple of satisfying encounters with a vampire named Afton, who was on a vacation from the Volturi Guard. For someone that was supposed to be vicious, he had been a very gentle lover. One of the things I learned about myself as I soaked in the atmosphere was that I was full on the Liberace, Siegfried and Roy side of being gay. Or as Afton put it, I registered as OH MY GAWD HE'S GAY on gaydar. About the time he returned to Italy, I started to feel that pull again. It was so strong that I had to follow it.
That was how I ended up in San Diego. The mysterious pull led me to a packed convention hall and it took me a minute to register the fact that I was at ComiCon, of all places. With a heavy sigh, I threw caution to the wind, bought a ticket and went inside. It surprised me that I actually started to enjoy myself, especially the costuming. The wearers showed a sophisticated degree of ingenuity in their creation. Alice might enjoy this, I thought. A few hours of roaming around the venders' area, I turned a corner and the pull stopped. Not ten feet in front of me, dressed in a classic Star Trek uniform, was most perfect specimen of the male physique I had ever seen; Eric Yorkie. Who knew Mr. Sulu could be so yummy?
"E-e-edward Cullen," Eric stammered when he noticed me.
Thanks to my vampire senses, it took about a hundredth of a second to fully take in his appearance. I noticed wiry but well defined muscles underneath his Lycra shirt. He had apparently started to hit the gym after me and my family left Forks. The perpetual acne that had marred his beautiful face was gone, as well. Eric had cut his hair short and it suited him.
"Hello, Eric, it's been a while. I hate to admit it but this is my first time here and I wondered if you might give me a private tour," I commented and purposely made my voice extra velvety then gave him my best dazzling smile.
The poor dear actually gulped then quickly composed himself when he read my expression. Eric pierced me with a hawks stare then his mouth twisted in a rakish grin. A shiver went down my spine at the sight. He swaggered over to me with a confidence that made me weak in the knees, threw an arm over my shoulder then leaned into my ear.
"I think that can be arranged," he responded huskily then turned us in the direction of the nearest exit.
He led me to his car; I glanced around quickly and found we were far enough away from prying eyes that nobody would see what happened next. I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck then bit down and forced my venom into his body. My hand flashed out to grab the car keys when they fell from his hand then unlocked the doors and put him in the passenger seat.
"Forgive me, darling," I begged him when I crawled into the driver's seat then drove off before the screaming started.