Chapter Four: Every time I close my Eyes

They were back at the house to see if maybe they'd missed something. And within an hour or two they hoped to try recreating the scene. Speed found himself standing in the living room where the glass still littered the floor, the sun making the shards sparkle like millions of tiny diamonds. The only thing ruining the picture were those shards of glass with droplets of blood, his blood. He looked away, wishing that he was at home reading his books or watching some boring daytime talk show. Maybe he'd jumped the gun and returned to work well before he was ready for it. What was it that Horatio had said to him yesterday in the locker room, the body wasn't the only thing that had to heal? The scar was all that physically remained from the shooting but there were all the other remnants; the ones that kept him up at night. Shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans he decided to head out back and see if maybe he could find any evidence to give away the guy that shot up the place.

The warm noon sun was high in the sky. He wanted to put on his sunglasses but feared that he might miss something if he did. He began to scan the ground near the water's edge to see if maybe there was a shell casing peaking out of the grass or sand but the more he looked the more discouraged he became. Looking back over his shoulder he saw someone pass by one of the upstairs windows. There was no doubt in his mind that it was Calleigh. They were the only two at the scene until the others could arrive. She had said she wanted to check the children's rooms to see if maybe there was some sinister secret lurking there. He'd been more than willing to let her go. A uniformed officer was posted out front the house to keep an eye on them. He went back to gazing out over the water, then back at the ground for that ever allusive evidence.

A few minutes must have passed before he heard the sound of someone walking through the yard toward him. A quick glance over his shoulder showed him that it was the new detective, Jake. They hadn't really exchanged more than a few words but Speed was sure that detective was good at his job; after all he'd been doing undercover work. He did a background check. He did the same thing with Ryan and Cooper. The only person that was aware of it was Horatio because he'd gone to his boss about them. He didn't mind having new blood in the lab but that didn't mean he was willing to work with just anyone. They all came up clean, with the exception of Ryan's gambling problems. He made a mental note to keep an eye on the new investigator.

"Find anything?" Jake asked, coming to a stop a few feet away.

"A lot of evidence that points to animals having been here last night but that's about it," he responded, turning to face the detective. "Something I can help you with?"

Jake shrugged. "Just thought I would see how it's going. Calleigh spends a lot of time talking about you. It's almost like meeting a legend."

"Uh…thanks, I guess," Speed replied. He was beginning to feel slightly uncomfortable about where the conversation might be headed.

But Jake surprised him. "I really look forward to working with you."

"Likewise." He wasn't sure if it was a lie or the truth but it felt like the right thing to say.

"I'm going to go check on Calleigh," the detective said, turning to head toward the house. "The others will be here in a few minutes."

Speed watched him go, happy to once again be left alone. But instead of looking for evidence he walked down the dock belonging to the murdered family and sat at the end of it, his feet mere inches from the lovely blue water. He knew that he was sitting down on the job and that it might very well get him into trouble but he didn't care. After his conversation with Delko earlier that morning he'd spent a lot more time on the thought of returning home. He would miss the warm Miami sun and his friends but his life needed a change. A positive change. And it had been some time since he'd last been back at home. Would he be able to visit all his old hangouts or would the memories be too much for him to handle? There was really only one way to find out; go back and see.

"Speed?"

He didn't have to look back to know that it was Horatio behind him. He sat there quietly as he heard his boss walk across the dock. A minute later the day shift leader settled beside him.

"Something on your mind?"

"I'm thinking about going back home," Speed said, surprised to even hear himself say it. He felt the need to explain. "This…I don't know anymore. Yesterday was proof that I'm not ready to be back on the job. People that freeze get shot, they could die. I've already been down that road and I don't really fancy taking a second trip."

"It's hard finding peace with the job after going through what you did, Speed," Horatio said, his voice soft and comforting. He was always so understanding. "Maybe you rushed into things. I can put you back in the lab if you want or…"

Speed looked at the amazingly blue water. "That wouldn't look too good to the people in charge."

"Who cares what they think?" Horatio inquired. "You are my responsibility, Speed. Not there's. I'm the one that decides who is fit to go in the field and who isn't. I'm the only one in charge of my team and if they even question my decision to have you back in the lab…I'll tell them that I want you to focus on the science. After all, it's the science and the tests that get the cases solved."

"Every time I close my eyes I relive that day," Speed said all of a sudden. There was no need for him to elaborate because they both knew which day he was talking about. "The doctor gave me sleeping pills to help keep the nightmares at bay but…I don't want to take them because there's a chance I could get addicted to them and my job would suffer. I keep my apartment locked up tighter than a vault in Fort Knox and always leave a light on…"

Horatio placed a hand on Speed's shoulder. "Many people are ashamed to admit that they're afraid, Tim. But fear is what keeps us alive. It keeps us from doing things we otherwise wouldn't do and maybe some people miss out on the best that life has to offer but they do what feels right for them. You have to figure out what's right for you, staying here or returning home. Nobody can make the choice for you, though. I can tell you that the lab wouldn't be the same without you. You are an amazing scientist and good at what you do. Together we've put a lot of people behind bars, a lot people that won't see the light of day again. But if you think returning home is the answer then I will support you in your decision."

Speed licked his lips. "Can I have a few more days of just lab duty?"

"If that's what you want."

"Just a few days," Speed said. "To see how I feel."