Ron/Molly it is. Also, this is in an AU in which everyone but Lily, James, and Pettigrew are alive.

"Hermione I'm going to kill you," croaked Ron, turning on the faucet and washing his mouth out.

Hermione was still retching.

"Gah. Who could have such a twisted brain?" asked Harry, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

"I need to crush something," announced Hermione, pulling her head away from the toilet bowl. She looked around, shoved Ron out of the way, and blasted the toothpaste tube.

"Oi! That shit's expensive!" said Harry indignantly. Ron gave him a funny look.

"No, it's not."

"Well, I'm always at Auror Academy, and Ginny's still training for the Harpies all the time," Harry defended. "It's not like we get much of an income."

Ron stared at him in disbelief.

"You're bloody Harry Potter! The Ministry awarded you half the galleons in circulation!" he sputtered. "How do you not have 'that much of an income!'"

"And you just got a brand-new computer!" Hermione piped up.

"Well, we gave most of it to rebuilding after Voldemort. A good chunk went to hiring psychologists, actually."

"Bloody unbelievable," muttered Ron, heading back to the living room.

Harry and Hermione raced after him. Knowing Ron, he would pick something even worse.

Harry grabbed the computer as soon as they got back.

"Yes!" cheered Ron. "Make her pay!"

"No," said Harry. "You gave her the computer! You deserve to suffer!"

Hermione sighed in relief.

"In what world is that fair?" yelped Ron, outraged. He jumped on Harry, wrestling him for the computer. Hermione joined the fray, fighting tooth and nail to keep Ron from getting the computer.

When Ron finally flopped back, biting his nails, Hermione sat behind Harry, helping him find a fanfiction.

"Ooh, pick that one!" she said excitedly, pointing. Harry looked and turned red with contained laughter. He clicked on it, Hermione reading over his shoulder.

"Forbidden Passion," he began.

Ron started rocking. "Oh, dear Merlin, I apologize for all my sins. I'm sorry for the time I stepped on that first-year's foot. I'm sorry I scared this year's group of new Aurors even though I'm only two years older than they are. I'm sorry I made fun of Seamus for wanting to ask out Katie."

"Don't forget half of sixth year," added Hermione, thoroughly enjoying herself.

Ron nodded vigorously. "I'm sorry I ever even looked at Lavender."

Harry cleared his throat.

"Go ahead, Harry," said Hermione, getting herself a glass of icewine.

"AND I HATE YOU!" screamed Hermione shrilly.

Hermione choked on her drink.

She threw a plate at his head. Ronald ducked and held up his hands.

"Hermione, I love you!" he pleaded. "You, only you, forever you!"

Ron pretended to gag. "Why is this hideous excuse for an author calling me Ronald? And honestly, I would never say anything like that!" he said disgustedly.

"OH YEAH?" shrieked Hermione. "THEN WHY DID YOU HAVE THIS IN YOUR BAG?" She brandished a pearl necklace at him.

"Why am I complaining about Ron buying pearls? The most he's ever gotten me is toothpaste," said Hermione, pouring herself more icewine.

"It was for you!" Ronald protested.

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! I SHOULD'VE SCREWED DRAKEY WHEN HE ASKED! HE WOULD'VE TREATED ME RIGHT!" Hermione screamed. She sashayed out, and finally the whiny little bitch was gone from Ronald's life and into Draco Malfoy's arms.

Hermione spit out her wine.

"What?" she yelped. "I'm not a whiny little bitch, and since when do I refer to Draco as Drakey?" cried Hermione. "Ugh, I need something stronger for this shit."

Ron raised his eyebrows.

"You refer to him as Draco now?"

"Shut up, Ron, he works in my department. Turns out he's a pretty nice guy," growled Hermione, getting up to grab a bottle of firewhiskey.

Ronald sat gracefully

"Yeah, right," muttered a now-tipsy Hermione.

on the loveseat. He knew just who to call.

"Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh Merlin save me oh crap-"

He waved his wand and a Patronus burst out. Ronald knelt by his Patronus, which was now a swan: a beautiful, elegant animal.

Hermione let out a loud "HA!" Ron sent her a reproachful glare.

"I can be beautiful and elegant!" he boasted.

"Tell that to your fourteen year old self, Yule Ball," Hermione retorted.

"Come. I need you now," he told it. "You know where to go.

Ron let out a kind of whimper vaguely reminiscent of Moaning Myrtle after it rained.

In a few minutes, he heard a faint pop. Ronald smiled. She was here.

Ron relaxed minimally. "At least I'm not gay here," he said faintly.

He turned. Standing there, in all her beauty, was Molly Weasley.

Ron screamed. Long and loud, the Fat Lady would've been proud. Then he threw a tantrum similar to when Kreacher visited Harry's aunt and uncle's house before his sixth year.

"Ron, pull yourself together," Harry said finally. Ron quieted and sat ramrod straight, though they were reclining on soft armchairs.

Molly stepped delicately over to him.

"Ronald," she said softly, putting her hands on his face. "What's wrong?"

Ronald found it suddenly hard to focus, as Molly's slim legs pressed against his, and her blouse allowed him a lovely view of her cleavage.

Ron got up and walked slowly out the door. Hermione sighed and got up to retrieve him.

When they came back, Ron seemed to be in some sort of comatose state. Harry continued to read anyway.

"I need you," said Ronald huskily.

"Oh, Ronald-" Molly's eyes fluttered closed as he began trailing kisses down her neck.

"Harry." Harry ignored Ron.

Ronald found Molly's blouse blocked his access, and so pulled it off. He allowed his fingers to graze the skin just above Molly's bra. He finally captured her lips in a kiss.

"Harry," said Ron again, more insistent.

As they kissed passionately, Ronald's fingers worked at the clasp of Molly's bra. After the tiresome garment had finally been tossed to the side, he drew his tongue slowly over her breast. Molly moaned. Ronald put his mouth over her nipp-

"Sardnaclosus," said Ron quietly, pointing his wand at Harry. Harry snorted involuntarily, and then sardines began spewing from his nose. Harry thrust the computer away from him and conjured a bucket, staring daggers at Ron.

Hermione had meanwhile been working her way through Harry's liquor cabinet, one thing that Harry and Ginny didn't skimp on. She was now pretty drunk. She was setting off small green and purple firecrackers, giggling like a child at each one.

Ginny chose this moment to walk in the door, calling her last goodbyes over her shoulder.

"What the- " Her mouth fell open as she surveyed the scene: her fiance with tiny silver fish gushing out of his nose like a faucet, her brother sitting white and frozen, and her best friend as drunk as a sailor.

"Merlin help me."

So! You like? Now, lovie-dovies, you get to vote on two things! Will Ginny read fanfiction with her, um, family/fiance/friends? And, will they read Dramione or Drarry next? Toodles!