Chapter Thirteen: If I don't Have You

Alexx shined the small flashlight toward Speed's eyes but he pushed her hand away. The light, even from such a small device, hurt his eyes. She frowned, biting her tongue to keep her comment to herself. She had been walking down the hallway when she heard Delko yelling for someone to help him. In the back of her head she figured that maybe something minor had happened but then she walked into the locker room to find Speed sitting on the ground, his back resting against a locker, his head in his hands. A lot of horrible fears went through her mind in the time that it took for her to cross the short distance from the door to where Delko was crouched beside Speed. It was obvious that their friend was in pain. She asked that Delko explain to her what happened. He recounted a short tale of how Speed had come into the room, said only a few words, and then been brought down by pain. Now she was trying to examine him and he clearly didn't want her to.

"Tim, hun, you have got to let me do this," she said, managing to keep her voice calm.

He pushed her hand away again as she tried to shine the light in his eyes for a second time. "It was just a bad headache," he remarked. His throat was dry, his voice coming out scratchy.

"More like a migraine," corrected Alexx, her voice clipped with a touch of annoyance.

"Since when does Speed get migraines?" questioned Delko from where he was sitting. He'd taken a seat on the bench so that he would be out of the way.

"Anybody can get them," Alexx replied. She slipped her penlight into her pocket. "My suggestion is that you take some aspirin, and if you go outside don't forget to put on your sunglasses. You'll probably be sensitive to the light for a few more hours." She stood. "If you have any more problems, please don't be hesitant to come to me, hun, I'm always here to help."

"Thanks," he muttered.

They both sat in silence as they watched her walk away. Speed wanted to climb to his feet and make a hasty retreat from the room. The courage he had to explain himself to Delko had fled when the migraine came upon him. The pain had been so intense and completely unexpected. Of all the things that his doctor warned him about the subject of headaches and migraines had never come up. He'd have to make sure to call his doctor when the work shift was over to have a word with him, maybe get a better understanding of what was going on. Though he cared for Alexx he didn't want to share with anyone, aside from Horatio, the problems that he could suffer. They were worried enough as it was, why make matters worse? He climbed to his feet only to have the room do a little dip and spin around him. For a fleeting moment he thought he was going to end up back on the floor. But he felt a hand on his chest push him back against the locker; Delko had noticed his unsteadiness. Thankful for his friend's help, ignoring the pain from the pressure on his chest, he caught himself gazing into Delko's brown eyes. Something within him stirred, something he hadn't felt in years.

Then he wanted to push Delko away. These were feelings he didn't want to have, didn't want to experience again. The pain in his chest turned into a burning sensation, Delko's skin hot to the touch even though there was fabric between them. In the silence of the room he realized just how close they actually were and he found himself hoping that someone would walk in and shatter the moment. But it didn't happen like that. Instead Delko leaned in closer, his lips brushing against Speed's just the slightest bit. A wave of sensations washed over Speed; from regret to being turned on to anger and unhappiness. He finally got control of his senses and gently pushed the other man away.

"Stop."

Delko let his hand fall away. "I'm sorry. I didn't…" Color raced into his cheeks and his eyes filled with remorse. What had he been thinking? He wanted to kick himself; throw punches at the lockers, anything that would be make him feel better. He was almost thoroughly convinced that he'd ruined things before they even started.

"Eric," Speed said, catching Delko by surprise. He rarely used his friend's first name. "I don't know what to do about this…thing…"

"I'm sorry," he said again, beginning to sound like a broken record. "I never meant…dammit. You know, I tried for months to tell myself that I wasn't attracted to you. Before you I'd never been attracted to a guy so I sat there day after day trying to make sense of it, trying to understand what made me feel that way…this way. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand it. Maybe I'm supposed to just let my feelings take me where they will…who fucking knows? The one thing that I do know is that I'm in love with you, Tim. These feelings…it's like being consumed from the inside out. I see you and I think about what it would be like to be with you…"

"Eric, stop it," Speed said with more force than he'd meant to.

Delko shut up.

"I don't want to do this. I can't…" he said while shaking his head for added emphasis. There was a voice in the back of his head that told him to just tell Delko everything that had happened in New York, everything about his past that kept him running, everything he'd kept hidden. But for some unknown reason he couldn't bring himself to do it. Instead he just muttered an apology and left the room, left Delko standing there, unaware that his friend's heart was breaking a little bit.