Chapter Fifteen: I Want it that Way
Later that evening Speed parted ways with Ryan, leaving the clearly obsessive investigator with a pile of work that he refused to leave unfinished. Speed remembered that he used to be the exact same way when he started out on the job. Now he just wanted to escape the lab, get home and fall into the fitful sleep that was awaiting him. Why had he even bothered to return to the crime lab? When he was stuck in his apartment he thought it would make everything better if he could just go back to doing his job. How wrong he'd been. Nothing had been made right; if possible everything had gotten worse since he returned. There was a chance he was reading too much into it but he was almost convinced that he wasn't. Had he never returned to work he wouldn't have nearly gotten shot again. The whole thing with Delko would never have popped up. A police cruiser wouldn't be following him home that night. He knew that they were keeping tabs on him because of Horatio's orders and that everyone else had an escort but it didn't make him feel any better about it. He should have found a new job instead of returning to the lab.
Or maybe it all would have been better if he'd just passed away. Though he'd been dead for a few moments on the operating table perhaps if he'd passed things would have taken a different path. He wouldn't be trying to escape the lab, for one thing.
A few minutes later he was pulling into the parking lot outside his apartment building. The police cruiser drove by, the job done for the night. As he parked his bike he wondered if they would be there to follow him to work in the morning. Heading into the building he thought about how much life had changed within the span of a year. He'd been nearly killed, that was the biggest thing. But now it looked as though everything else was falling apart. He shook his head, checking his mail before heading toward the elevator. The ride was a silent and quick one. He smiled at one of his neighbor's as he headed toward his apartment. As soon as he slipped the key in the lock he heard Mite on the other side whimpering. That was the one positive ingredient in the recipe that was brewing. He no longer came home to find his place empty and cold. Someone was always waiting for him, happy to see him. Maybe he should have gotten a dog sooner.
He opened the door and was promptly greeted by the shepherd. He patted the dog, scratching him behind the ears before closing and locking the door. He threw his few bills on the coffee table, then headed for the kitchen. Mite got fresh water and his dinner. Having taken care of the dog Speed wandered into his bedroom where he ditched his work clothes in the hamper. For a moment he entertained the thought of hoping in the shower but he quickly let the idea drop, grabbing a few clothes out of his dresser. Then he sat on the bed in the dark, his thoughts wandering freely. Though not a single one of them was happy.
Fishing through the pockets of his discarded pants he pulled out his cell phone. He hit speed dial and listened to the ringing, happy when someone picked up on the other end.
"I…I think I'm falling apart," he said. "I…" he was cut off. Then the line went dead.
--
Fifteen minutes passed before there was a knock at his door. He thought about not answering it but knew for a fact that the person on the other side wouldn't go away. Not after he'd called. Stumbling out of his dark bedroom he headed for the door. Mite was sleeping on the couch and Speed had a thought about the dog not being the best guard dog out there. But then again, maybe the shepherd was aware that the person outside was not a threat. Unlocking the door Speed pulled it open, then headed for the couch, sinking onto the sofa beside his dog. Mite wagged his tail somewhat half-heartedly before drifting off to sleep again.
"Speed?" Horatio asked as he walked into the apartment, closing the door.
"Everything…do you ever feel that there's no meaning to life?"
"There's always meaning," his boss said as he settled on the coffee table across from Speed. "It's finding that meaning that can be the hard part."
Speed averted his eyes, not wanting to look at Horatio. "But what if there is no meaning?" he stressed.
"What brought this on?"
"I thought going back to work, being around my friends, would make me happy but…" he let the rest of the words die on his lips. "Everything's broken. I'm broken."
"Speed…"
"I don't know what to do about Delko," he said, changing the subject somewhat.
Horatio was more than willing to let Speed take the conversation wherever he wanted. Maybe it would help him to understand what was bothering the younger man. "I take it he's spoken to you about the way he feels?"
"You knew?" Speed said, finally looking at his friend. "You knew and you didn't think to say anything to me?" He knew that he shouldn't really be angry at his boss but he was.
"Tim, you have to realize that-"
"Why didn't you say anything to me?"
"For the same reason that I haven't said a word about your past to Delko; it was something expressed in confidence," Horatio explained. "Maybe…maybe you came back to work too early."
All of a sudden Speed got off the couch. He walked toward the front door but stopped half way there. "You want to know what scares me the most?" he said in a hushed voice.
"What?" Horatio asked, walking up behind him.
"All my life I've felt…broken, shattered….and there's a part of me that wants it to stay that way…"
Horatio placed a hand on his shoulder in a gesture of comfort. But Speed shrugged it off and headed back into the darkness of his bedroom. Horatio made no attempt to follow, knowing that it would have just made matters worse. This was something that was going to take time. He just didn't know how much time they had.