Chapter Thirteen: A Choice and a Secret

Author's Note

Hello there! I am terribly sorry about the large gap between posts. I'm hoping with school and major family events being over that I will be able to post more. Please enjoy this chapter, and if you can please review!

I watched Howard's hands as they flew over the crate that held my meager pile of belongings. He pointed out where my uniform was, where he had stashed my assortment of knives, and some blank notebook he was giving me so I could write down notes and observations about my abilities in the field. I nodded along as he spoke and pointed, not really paying attention.

"And there you have it," He said confidently when he was finished. "Everything packed and ready to go! It's a shame we're leaving tomorrow, you must be extremely anxious!" Howard patted my shoulder, snapping me out of my daze.

"What? Oh, yeah." I muttered, blinking away my thoughts and sighing. I helped Howard put a lid on the crate, noticing the black words printed on the top: "Maddie's Things."

"Are you okay?" Howard gave me a concerned look. "Are you having an anxiety attack? I knew I shouldn't have said anything about leaving," The tone in his voice grew more and more worried, his urgency also apparent in how quickly he was speaking. Seeing him freaking out a little made me sputter slightly.

"N-No! No, I'm fine. It's just a little surreal that I actually get to go out into the field. I was kind of mentally preparing myself for being a lab rat again, honestly." I answered quickly, hoping to dispel the sense of frantic energy Howard was expressing.

Of course, this was only half of the truth. I wasn't necessarily in a panic type of mood quite yet. My anxiety was still there, beating away at a mile a minute in my chest, but it wasn't focused on the trip out to Europe. It was more focused on the challenge the Watcher had given me. Sitting in the lab with Howard had propelled my thoughts down an endless rabbit hole since he was one of the three people, I could pick to tell my secret to. I warred with myself over whether I should tell him, which was where my mind was as he explained things to me, and I helped him pack. I was trying to think of a mental list of pros and cons for possible choice number one: Howard Stark.

"Are you nervous about being out in the field?" Howard asked, changing the subject just a little. He had gone back to a table covered with dusty beakers and glasses substances that looked sort of gross.

"Kind of, just because I don't want to be in the way or get into terrible trouble." I sighed. "Also, I'm absolutely terrified of somehow running into Johann Schmidt again."

I could be honest about these worries with Howard. I knew he wouldn't tell Peggy or Steve, or even Colonel Phillips, about these concerns if I asked him. That was a check in the "Pros" column, I figured. Howard was easy to talk to, and he understood my fears and insecurities.

"Well, you'll be in good hands if that happens. Plus, I'm sure that if something like that does occur, your abilities will have progressed in such a way that you'll easily take down that notorious villain." He gave me a wink and I chuckled. I shook my head at him, though he wasn't too bothered by my skepticism.

"Don't count on that Stark," I stuck my tongue out at him and he smirked back.

I watched Howard as he continued to check things around the little lab and packed what he needed. He was going to be with us in Europe for a little bit, just to check on some equipment he had sent with Steve and his Command a while ago. He would probably be with us for a few days before heading back to England and resuming his scientific duties.

I wonder where we're at in the movie? The thought had crossed my mind plenty of times before now. When something major seemed to happy, I would occasionally stop and ask myself the same thing, then try and replay the movie in my head to see if I could pinpoint where we were. If I had to take a guess right then and there, I would say that we were right in the middle of the montage where Captain America is seen taking down Hydra battalions and blowing up factories. We were getting closer and closer to the inevitable climax of the movie. How far was the Watcher going to let me go in this storyline?

"Maddie!" I jumped, realizing Howard had been trying to get my attention for a minute now. "You are really not here today," He smirked once more, motioning to a small box of screws he needed.

"Yeah, I'm really distracted right now, sorry." I giggled awkwardly as I handed him the sought-after box.

Howard didn't say anything else as he took the box and placed it with others on the table. He counted the boxes, made a note on a slip of paper, and then turned around.

I imagined myself taking this time to tell Howard my secret, and what exactly could happen. He probably would think that I was crazy, but if the Watcher was right, he'd come to understand my origins, and even embrace the idea. Howard would be okay with knowing that in my reality, he was fictional. It was all so confusing. This whole challenge also begged to question how long I was going to be here. Or if I would ever come back to the strange universe.

Will I be able to come back? The question rang in my head louder than church bells. Would there be a time that the Watcher would bring me back to the MCU? Or maybe he would just suddenly spring me into the present timeline? This idea made everything around me a little brighter, as if some secret source of light had suddenly clicked on. It was an idea that made just a bit dizzy with the possibilities of when and where Watcher could send me if this wasn't a one-off deal.

Perhaps that was what The Watcher was planning. He intended for me to go forward in time in some way and having someone know about my origins would make my eventual return a smooth one. Then it wouldn't be like starting over every time I came to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I wished that right then I could call on the Watcher to double check my theory. He could have explained it to me and answer all my questions. It would be embarrassing to assume and then be completely and terribly wrong about it all. However, I had no way of knowing, so I had to make a leap of blind faith.

The Future: I needed to think about possible effects my choice would have on the future. Telling Howard Stark would mean that he may have to share the secret with someone else. That someone else could be his son, Tony, meaning that if I came back to the present day, Tony would be the one I confided to, and my one connection between the MCU and my reality.

I applied the same type of thinking to Peggy Carter as well. If I told Peggy my origins, it could be noted in official documents, and those documents would become a part of SHIELD information when it was inevitably created. Then, perhaps, my secret would be passed onto Nick Fury, and other important higher up officials in SHIELD.

Howard and Peggy both had moving variables in their "What If" equations. It was thrilling to think that I could be hanging out with Tony Stark or Nick Fury, sharing in their victories and losses as I encountered my own. They would know all about the possibilities of different universes and realities. But, along with this thrill, there was also the risk of knowing this information. What would the Marvel Universe be like if Tony Stark was aware of multiple universes like this? How would Nick Fury knowing my secret change SHIELD? Would there be changes? Was I overthinking it all? Could my secret drastically alter the fate of one of Marvel's greatest heroes, or the creation of SHIELD?

Thinking about all of these future implications my origin could make made my head spin, and I had to sit down as Howard continued his packing and mumbling. He was completely oblivious to the heavy thinking I was doing, concerned only with making sure he had everything he needed packed away in crates. All the while my thoughts and ideas spun on and on like a centrifuge on full power. With all these future what-ifs and scenarios, I knew that there was one option that remained constant, no matter what happened in the future. One person who remained unchanged the longest with the MCU. He was the obvious choice, and I made my decision instantly on who to tell my secret to.

"Do you know where Steve is right now?" I blurted out suddenly, making Howard twitch and look at me with a confused expression.

"I'm not sure, to be honest," He gave me a peculiar look as I stood and headed towards the door.

"Oh, do you need me anymore, Howard?" I asked hurriedly, not waiting for him to answer. I barely heard him say "no" as I bounded out and into the hallway.

My anxiety rose once more, though this time it was more fueled by adrenaline and excitement rather than fear or my usual end-of-the-world sense. I bounced between a few rooms and people, surprising Peggy, and Colonel Phillips in some briefing before apologizing for the interruption and leaving. I searched for about twenty minutes before circling back to my room, a little frustrated and now on the verge of world ending nerves.

"Maddie!" I jumped and yelped, spinning around to see who had called out my name. Steve Rogers stood at the end of the hall, hand in the air in a small wave. He called down to me one more time before walking down the hall and standing in front of me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," He chuckled hastily with an apologetic look.

"It's okay, I've been looking for you," I trembled slightly. I couldn't tell if it was more from the sudden shock of Steve appearing, or from the prospect of telling him my secret.

"I heard," He nodded and looked down at me expectantly (I was now hyper-conscious on how tall he was). "Is everything okay?"

"Um," I hesitated, looking up and down the hallway. "Could we talk in my room?" I pointed my left thumb back to the closed door that led to my small room. Steve nodded slowly as he went and opened the door, letting him inside.

I closed the door as soon as I entered in after him. I remained standing with my back to the door as Steve took the free chair placed in my room, looking up at me. I wrung my hands together, trying to think of the best place to start. How would I tell Steve about where I was from? The Watcher wanted me to share everything: what my reality was really like, and how this world we were currently in was all fictional, including him as well.

I was about to pop a giant existential bubble. Oh my God, I was going to ruin this man's life!

Something about me must have changed, like I paled or looked suddenly sick, because Steve's relaxed demeanor transformed to one of worry. He stood up and asked me to sit down, guiding me to sit on my bed before returning to the chair. He leaned closer towards me and searched me with his eyes. The bright blue color of them entranced me just a little.

"Are you worried about the mission? You don't have to go if you don't feel comfortable about it. We won't force you," Steve reached out and put his hand on top of mine.

The action made me stop wringing my hands, and I stared down at them with a wide, blinking stare. I swallowed hard and took deep breaths, mentally preparing myself for what I was about to say to him.

"I-I haven't told anyone a lot about myself." I started to say, and Steve pulled his hand off mine. "I mean I've told everyone about my family and stuff, but not the whole truth of it all."

Steve didn't say anything, but I could sense how uncomfortable he felt. It wasn't a feeling of avoidance, but rather the uncomfortable sense that he knew I wasn't telling the full truth, and he desperately wanted to know more. I had seen this a lot with him, Peggy, Howard, and everyone else who asked about me and my background. A few people were frustrated by my lack of information, but others (like Steve and Peggy) just nodded and backed away from the subject.

"I don't know what all you or the SSR have found out about me," I continued anyways. "But I think, or rather know, that you haven't found anything related to me or my family.

"My name really is Maddie Davis, and I actually am a student at Maple State University, in Maple City back west. I know right now that that's not what the college is called right now. I can't recall what it was called during the 1940s."

"So, it's true then, that you're from the future?" Steve's voice as a whisper and I sighed and nodded. Schmidt's words about the Clearing of the Gods came back to my mind about knowing future, but I couldn't worry about it now.

"It's true, but it's also more than that, Steve. I'm not just from the future. I-I'm from a different reality as well." I told him quickly, not pausing in hopes to give him time to think. "There was a war in Europe, World War II, and America fought in it, and the Allies won." I took a deep breath; I was about to take the plunge into major truth.

"But, Steve, there was no super soldier experiment, no SSR, no Hydra. We didn't have Captain America fighting for us. In the reality I come from, that didn't exist at all."

I started talking faster and a little more frantically. My explanation felt more and more like word vomit, and my eyes stayed glued to the floor. Once all the dreaded words of different realities and existence came out of my mouth I had abruptly stopped, and I looked up at Steve. His eyes were wide and his face pale and expressionless. Slowly, the blankness began to change to one of surprise and utter confusion.

"A different reality?" He echoed finally, but I didn't feel too relieved by his tone of voice. There was still question hinted in his tone.

"Yes, a different reality where you're not, um," I stuttered here a little. "Y-You're a superhero in a comic book. You're in your own comic book series and stories, you have parts in TV shows and whole movies about you too." Steve stood up abruptly, knocking the chair back slightly. His chest heaved as he breathed rapidly, shocked by my words.

"Please, Steve, listen," I stood up too and grabbed his hand. He looked back at me with wide eyes, but he remained frozen where he was, not taking back his hand.

"Steve, you need to know this because in my reality you, Captain America, are my favorite hero. I've always admired you and followed your adventures. I have posters, books, pictures, and everyone knows who I am because like you. In my reality, you have helped me through some major times in my life, and-and that's why I'm here! You're helping me again, but through this reality."

Control over the whole situation slipped from my hands. I saw the blind panic in Steve building and building, and I imagines his mind going to shambles and crumbling into madness with every manic word I spoke. For a brief moment, I thought that the Watcher had been wrong. He was wrong about issuing this challenge, wrong that anyone was ready to hear the news that there were more universes than their own. I kind of hated the Watcher for making me do this, and I wished I could rewind time and take back everything I had told Steve. He said nothing, and the silence that filtered between us felt venomous.

"You're not lying," Steve whispered. "It's all – I'm a – comic book character," He fumbled with his words and took his hand out of mine. He looked at me, the floor, and then at nothing, staring off into space. "And I'm your favorite hero?" I nodded shakily and he just stared at me blankly.

The poisoned silence came back again, and I wished that I was still holding onto Steve's hand. I needed that lifeline, but my words had destroyed it. There was no going back now that Steve knew the truth, there was only going forward, and hating myself all the same.

"Someone needs to know the truth," I muttered. "Someone I can talk to about things, like why I'm here and what I'm thinking and feeling. He told me to pick and tell someone." I swallowed, realizing I had mentioned the Watcher. Had that been part of the deal?

"Who is he?" Steve asked immediately. Did he think that I was being forced to say all these things? Or worse yet, did he think that I was being manipulated by Schmidt and I had a nefarious purpose here.

"He's called The Watcher," I grimaced. I was headed into uncharted territory, as this was all information, I was unsure that I could share. "He's the cosmic being who made it possible for me to be here."

"A cosmic being, like an alien." Steve had stopped asking questions by now, which I didn't know if that was a good sign or not. "Created a way for you to be here, because I'm your favorite superhero."

We stared at each other closely. I was a ball of anxious panic, feeling the whole world come down on my head, all the while I couldn't even fathom what Steve was feeling or thinking. After a long couple of minutes, Steve muttered something about taking time to think and started for the door.

"Steve, wait!" I took a few steps to follow him, but stopped in the doorway, watching him walk briskly down the hall. He didn't look back, didn't slow in his steps, he kept his head down and continued walking.

Tears climbed into my eyes as I watched him go. When he rounded the corner, I forced myself to shut the door to my room and sat back down on my bed. I let the tears slip down my face one by one and hugged myself tightly. I could feel the familiar depressing numbness start to envelope me, and I couldn't help but wonder:

Did I do the right thing?