NON REVERSABLE EFFECTS
CH5
I was dead inside; it was as simple as that. I thought that I would have been at least a little angry that I was all alone again, but I wasn't. I didn't have enough energy to do so, and I knew that it was my own doing that got me into this situation. It was punishment for being selfish, for not letting myself come to terms with it when I had the chance — to lesson the blow if you will.
I wasn't sure how long I had been there, laying under my bed in the darkness, but it was enough so that I felt the slight pang of hunger; the need for raw meat. At first I could only eat raw beef — other raw things making my Human self gag and sick — but after three years I got used to the idea of eating raw chicken, steak, pig and more, as well as my body adapted to the effects. Though that wasn't my whole diet, I ate Human food too — but certain things made my throw-up. Too much sugar — which I loved so that was a low blow — I couldn't drink coffee either, but I only ever drank that because it was convenient, so that loss didn't bother my much.
I knew that if I let my hunger wander to long, that instinct would take over and I would Change, going after any food source that was available — Humans. But that would only happen if I was literally starving, and even then I would fight it. I was not turning into a Cannibal — ever.
I was tired too, but I didn't want to close my eyes incase my fears took over my dreams. I knew that it was stupid, that I was probably over reacting over nothing, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want to live in the Valley of Loneliness again, not after I had been free of it for three years. Before I never would have let being alone bother me, I liked being alone and to myself — it was all that I had known. But now that me and my heart have got a taste of something different — a feel as what it was like to not be alone for once, to be able to rely on others as well as others relying on you — it was hapless, I wouldn't be able to take it.
And for better or for worse, being here at the SGC and having known SG-1 had changed me. No longer would I hide in the corner waiting to be taken apart, no longer would I stand for those who would try and beat me. I was now confident in myself and my abilities, confident in who and what I am — or at least I used to be. Because now, now if felt like I was reverting back to my-old-self. I mean, look at me: hiding in the dark under my bed, crying, feeling sorry for myself, becoming a puddle of depression.
"Nick?"
I yelped in surprise, my head jerking up and connecting with the metal bed frame a few inches above my head. I let out a long *hiss of pain as I let my head fall back to the carpeted floor, rubbing the freshly tender spot on the crown of my head.
"Nick, where the Hell are you?" came the voice again, louder this time and sounding very much like Daniel.
Daniel! My head came up again in all of my excitement, hitting the metal frame again. But I hardly noticed the pain as I tried as quickly as possible to scramble out from under the bed. I vaguely felt the sharp corner of the frame scrape against the back of my neck, but that too I barely noticed. I popped up from the floor, and in the same motion, crashed into Daniel, wrapping my arms around him.
I was never one to give hugs freely, and sometimes not even willingly. I had never really experienced hugs through out my childhood, so it was awkward for me to receive them as well as give them. But this was Daniel, the one person that I did hug and the one person that received them with a friendly smile and hugged back. I never hugged Jack because that would be weird — seeing as I still had that hero-man-crush on him — and on the pure fact that he was a the General in charge of running the SGC now that Hammond had been assigned to Washington. Teal'c, maybe occasionally, but mostly we did the Warrior clasp. Colonel Carter on the other hand; well I was still aware of the one time three years ago when she had come to my quarters to escort me to the General Hammond's Office, that she had checked my out when I had just the towel around my waist and my skin damp, of that I was 85% sure — so on the rarest of occasions we might share a very brief embrace.
Daniel hugged me back, though not as fierce. I pulled back, albeit reluctantly.
"What are you doing here?" I asked him, finally realizing what him being here actually meant. "Colonel Mitchell said that you had left."
"I did," Daniel admitted. "With Jack to the check-out point."
I looked at him confused.
"I missed the Daedalus." he elaborated.
Guilt washed my expression of confusion away. "This is my fault." I said, even though I knew he knew it — probably as well as everyone on base.
"No, it's not." Daniel said.
I should have known that he would, that was just the way the he was. "Don't say that."
"I'm serious." Daniel said and so did the expression on his face.
But I shook my head. I knew that he was doing this for my benefit; though I don't know why, I was the reason why he wasn't on the Daedalus, on his way to Atlantis. "Stop saying that when it not the truth." I went to turn away, but his hand on my shoulder stopped me.
"Listen to me," Daniel said, his voice commanding. At the tone I straightened slightly. "When you touched those bands I got more upset then I should have, so much so that when you tried to warn me I didn't listen. I got even more upset when it wouldn't come off and a little scared that I would miss my chance to go to Atlantis again. I walked away when you tried to tell me something important about the bands, and as a result you suffered. When Dr. Lee got the bands off, I still had time to catch the Daedalus, but didn't."
"What? Why?" I demanded.
"I was being selfish." Daniel admitted, an ashamed blush coloring his cheeks.
"What?" I looked at him in astonishment. "You weren't being selfish, Daniel. You've been waiting to go to Atlantis for four years now."
But Daniel shook his head. "I was only thinking about myself," he said, a sad expression crossing his features. "I knew that it upset you, that I would be gone and that we would hardly be able to see or talk to each other. I knew that I was all but leaving you alone, little as I wanted to admit it to myself. With Teal'c and Sam gone and then me, you would only have Jack, and more than half the time he would be too busy running the SGC. I know what it's like to not have anyone and I know what it's like to loose everyone you love in one single go — I couldn't do that to you, Nick. I just couldn't."
"You don't have to worry about me." I lied.
"Atlantis can wait." Daniel promised. "And anyway, you should be happy; you are going to be back on the job after all."
"What do you mean?" I furrowed my brows at him.
Daniel shook his head in mock disappointment. "Since I'm staying, I decided that I might as well rejoin SG-1."
An overjoyed smile broke across my face.
"And," he said. "As it turns out, Mitchell knows Sam. She said she'd think about it — but you know Sam; it's just for show."
The smile grew, Daniel was staying and Sam was coming back.
"And," Daniel continued. "As soon as he can, Mitchell's going to go to Dakara and try to convince Teal'c to rejoin as well."
The smile felt like it was going to break my face in half! I had to hand it to Mitchell, luck was definitely on his side for this, and if he got Teal'c to rejoin he'd be the luckiest man alive — and just to make sure, I was going to go with him.