Chapter 14: Distracted Relief

Author's Note: Trigger Warning for a brief mention of suicide. Also, I'm trying to be more consistent on posting this story. However I totally thought today was Wednesday and was proven wrong when I woke up this morning. Enjoy this chapter! If you can, please leave a review.

I didn't leave my room for the rest of the day. Peggy brought me dinner when she noticed I wasn't coming into the mess hall, and to check in on me. She asked if I was alright and I told her that I was only nervous about the upcoming mission. I played it off as if I was just fine, smiling reassuringly at her, though I could tell she had a hard time believing me. She fluttered in the doorway some, looking back at me with worry. I tried my best to look occupied with my food, but I couldn't help the sinking feeling that I was making everyone worried today.

I replayed my conversation with Steve so many times in my head that it became engraved in my memory. My mind also started playing tricks on me, making me second guess the expressions of shock and worry Steve's face as anger or disbelief. I questioned myself over and over again on whether I had explained everything in the right way, or if I had overshared or left something out that was of vital importance.

One, I was definitely from a distant future, that was something believable because it was an idea that had crossed everyone's mind at some point. The only real difference was that was my distant future also was a vastly different reality. Two, Captain America was actually a comic book hero in my reality, who I adored, and who was stood in front of me as flesh and blood instead of in a movie, television show, or comic book. Three, a strange alien creature had whisked me away from a bad, life-altering situation and into this world to be with said superhero and heal myself. And four, I had to tell someone my secret, so I went with Steve Rogers.

Could I have done that any differently? I asked myself as I imagined different ways I could have told Steve all of this. However, no matter how I explained it to myself, I always imagined Steve's blank, yet shocked, expression staring at me and waiting for me to say that I was joking. If only I had been, then we could have laughed awkwardly and gone on with this crazy version of my life.

I had a hard time sleeping that night as well and spent most of it staring off into dark space. The familiar numb of depression began to well up inside me, and I just let it grow. It was better than feeling like I was having a panic attack all the time, anyways. The Watcher must have been wrong when he issued this challenge to me. If he was seeing all of this turmoil bubbling inside me, would he fix it? Could he go back and rewind the time and let me have a do-over? Or could he make Steve forget what I told him?

Morning came all too quickly, but I managed to get some sleep in during my blank staring and questioning thoughts. I was woken up by a timid soldier and hurried through gathering the meager belongings I had acquired through my stay at SSR headquarters. I was led back to Howard Stark's office and left there, watching as the eccentric billionaire triple checked that he had everything he needed.

When that was done, everyone who was heading back to Europe made their way to the small hangar where planes sat at the ready. I was mostly quiet through all of this, following Howard through the roaring hangar. I kept Howard in my peripheral vision, but stared at my feet as we walked and maneuvered through soldiers and pilots hurrying all over the place. At some point Howard stopped and I missed it, not seeing him take a step to the side as I bumped right into someone. That someone was Peggy, who looked mildly amused as she turned to see who had walked into her. Had it been Howard, she probably would have said something cross to him about paying attention.

"Seems like we're all distracted today!" She said with a slight laugh as I apologized to her.

"Are other people distracted?" I asked as she nodded. "I'm just nervous,"

"You're not the only one. Thought it does look like you, Mr. Stark, and Captain Rogers have your thoughts elsewhere at the moment." Peggy told me before being called away by Colonel Phillips.

I had a vague feeling that I knew why the three of us were all distracted. For me, I was fighting the numbness inside me as it crept deeper and deeper within my body and mind. I understood Howard's distraction too because he was just concerned about his equipment making it safely to its destination without blowing something up. Steve, well he must have been still chewing on the world-shattering news I had given him the day before, which made me feel worse.

I took a deep breath and turned to find Howard once more. I was determined to try and not seem so out of it, and keep myself somewhat busy in the meantime. I didn't want Peggy or Howard asking me what was wrong or pressing for details. I made my choice, and that was hard enough for me.

I ended up helping Howard pack the remaining bits of equipment in his private plane. After ensuring that there was space enough for passengers and anything extra that needed room, he headed off to get the last bit of itinerary before take-off. I looked around the hangar and leaned against the side of the plane as I waited for him to return. It was then that I noticed that things were getting quieter and a little more serious as the hour of departure quickly arrived.

The once crowded hangar was now emptying out. Crates were all loaded up, cargo had been double checked, and soldiers were getting their placements. I observed them as they hurried to their assigned plane, holding tight to their packs and their faces serious. My nerves had returned, replacing the numbness inside me with the all-to familiar thumping of panic in my chest. However, this time I was more focused on the mission at hand and kept Steve to the back of my mind. I still hoped to try and speak to him before we left, but I was reassuring myself that if it didn't happen that everything would be okay until we landed back in Europe.

"We are all set to go!" Howard's voice boomed as he rounded the back of the plane, dressed to kill as a handsome pilot.

I couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm. Two others rounded the plane after him and my smile shifted just a little. Peggy and Steve followed Howard. Peggy was dressed in her regular uniform, wearing a leather jacket over her simple top. Steve was dressed in his Captain America uniform, minus the helmet which he held in his hands. He stopped mid-step as our eyes locked onto each other. I held my breath as we remained frozen for just a moment. Then, he smiled warmly at me, and relief flooded through me like refreshing water. I could have cried at that moment, but I managed to stave off any gush of tears as Peggy addressed us.

"Now then, Maddie, Howard and Steve shall be your escorts. I have to join the Colonel in his plane." Peggy seemed less than pleased at this prospect. She gave Steve a wistful glance before saying goodbye and headed off to her own plane.

All three of us watched Peggy turn and leave, heading in the opposite direction from us in the hangar. There was one other waiting plane, which was the one the Colonel was probably in, anxious to leave. Steve was oblivious to Peggy's backward glances, though I saw him sneak a few of his own before we all piled into Howard's plane.

Howard took to the cockpit, checking gauges and wind speed while Steve joined me in the little space left in the cargo hold. I desperately wanted to ask Steve about our previous conversation but stopped myself. Things were still too quiet in the plane, and anything I asked Howard would be able to hear. It would probably be better to wait until we were up in the air, where the rumble of the engine and the roar of the wind could drown us out.

Steve could see my trepidation. As we prepared for lift off, he looked me square in the eyes and gave me a firm nod, confirming that once we were in the air, we would chat.

The plane's engine roared to life, and we rumbled down the runway. We were one of the last planes to take off, but it was all for the better. The bigger planes had different places to be, and to my knowledge, we were headed to Sweden first. From there, Steve and I would be dispatched with our mission parameters and join the rest of the Commandos in Europe.

We were in the air for about an hour or so when Steve leaned in closer to me, and my heart quickened just a bit. This was it; we were going about the major bomb I detonated on him the day before. I swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths to steady my nerves. I had no idea how this conversation was going to go, but I had a feeling that I needed to be calm, collected. Feelings that I am usually not as of late.

"I had a rather strange dream last night," Steve started. His voice was low, even I could barely hear it, which meant that Howard wouldn't hear us. "And I met the Watcher, who said I should hear you out."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise as Steve spoke. The Watcher actually visited Steve? The next time I saw that cosmic being I was going to kiss him on the cheek!

"Where should I start?" I asked, keeping my voice as low as Steve's.

"The beginning? Maybe with when I became your favorite hero?" Confusion, anticipation, and awkwardness all crossed Steve's face as he said this and I couldn't help but giggle a little at him.

I really had to think about when exactly Captain America became my favorite hero. Lots of people asked me why he was my favorite, and I always had a quick answer. I looked off to my right as I thought about it, running through the memories that included Cap.

I started off by explaining what Captain America was a part of: Marvel Comics. Through the plane ride I told Steve about the comics themselves, Stan Lee, and my own introduction to it through my older brothers. We grew up watching X-men and Spider-Man cartoon shows, and sometimes they featured Captain America in some episodes, though I couldn't really recall them off the top of my head. Then there were the films that were starting to come out and how my desire to know more about Marvel and its heroes grew from there.

"I guess the first time I realized that you were my favorite hero was when I was in tenth grade." I explained to him at one point. "You seemed to jump out at me, and I loved everything you stood for. Patriotism, integrity, loyalty, everything I valued in my life. You also didn't care where anyone was from, or who they were, as long as they were free and happy." A small smile crept onto my face as the memories came back to me.

"One of my brothers got me a huge stack of Captain America comic books for Christmas when I was in high school. I poured over them again and again, organizing them by release, covers, and story arcs. Anything Captain America related just sends me into a hysterical, excited kick," I giggled, feeling a heated flush rise on my face.

Steve just gazed at me with wonder, though I could see that he was blushing slightly, not used to this sort of attention. He was surprised, yes, but it looked like he felt honored as well, by the way light sparkled in his eyes. Steve took a few deep breaths himself once I was finished explaining my life to him; he now knew where and when I was from, my three older brothers and my twin sister, and my goals and dream to be an English teacher. We both swayed a little, dizzy in a way as I told him everything, and he took it in.

"The Watcher, he's pretty interesting." Steve said once I had concluded a small list of collectibles, I had that held deep meaning for me. One being a plastic replica of his shield my first friend in college had given me, and a little plush version of him my twin gave me before leaving for her mission.

"Yeah, I guess that's one way to put it." I shrugged. I couldn't tell Steve, but the fact that Watcher's existed in general was new to me too. Also, that they had the power to create entire realities like this. If I thought about it too long, I got a headache.

"He also told me a little about why you're here." Steve's expression softened and looked at me with some affection. "You were being bullied at school."

I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing when he said that. He smiled and chuckled too, but I was completely engulfed in loud laughter. Howard even looked back at us with some mild amusement, though he didn't say anything or ask what the joke was. For one shining moment, Steve had looked like an older brother, asking a younger sibling about something hard going on in life. His sincerity filled me with warmth; it was such a Steve Rogers way to go about the whole situation.

"Yeah, I guess I was being bullied. I'm not anymore, I moved out of that apartment and escaped." I finally said once the giggles inside of me had subsided. I wiped happy tears away from eyes and looked to my feet.

What all had the Watcher told Steve? I wondered if he had told him about my constant feeling of anxiety running through my mind. How I felt like my world was constantly going to end by some little mistake I made. At my lowest point I hated myself. I hated who I was and how I was handling things around me. I constantly thought about how others perceived me, and how I could change it to suit them. That had been the whole issue with Kaitlyn in that apartment. Once I realized she wanted to control me and I balked at it, she brought everything down around me.

"Did he tell you everything?" I asked Steve, who raised his eyes to me and then nodded slowly. "So, you know about what my roommates did to me, and how I thought about ending it all." My voice went softer at the thought of my weakness.

"That doesn't change the way I see you," I snapped my head up and looked at Steve with wide eyes. "Knowing about all of that now helps me understand you a little more," He leveled his clear blue eyes on mine.

"Your sadness and anxiety. It all stems from that experience, and from you trying to be what you think other people want you to be. You just forgot that you aren't what other people think, you're unique and talented, and I'm going to help you remember that now."

Steve smiled warmly at me as he reached around me and pulled me into a tight side embrace. I leaned against him, shocked and amazed at the quick turn of events. Steve was right, of course, I was unique. The Watcher knew that too and found an interesting way to help me remind myself about it. Sitting next to me, as real as the world around me, was the one man who helped to make me the unique person I was.

A new sense of relief washed over me too, knowing now that someone in this strange new world knew the reason I was here. I guess the Watcher had been right in giving me this challenge, and he was clearly watching over everything. Once again, I felt hot tears in my eyes and running down my face. This time though, they were tears of happiness because Captain America was on my side, as a friend in my reality would say about it, the Captain was all Team Maddie about this whole situation.

I don't know how long we stayed like that, in a tight embrace that was equal parts comforting and familiar. After what felt like an hour I pulled away and wiped away the remnants of my relieved crying and smiled. We were nearing our destination, and it would soon be time for my second real mission to begin.

Not too long after, sometime in the early evening, we landed in Sweden. I helped Howard unload my belongings and supplies, taking inventory for the millionth time to make sure we didn't forget anything. I quickly changed back into the uniform Peggy had requisitioned for me for my first mission. It felt right to be back in the dark outfit, layered with belts and knives, and the blue embroidered M on the sleeve that Peggy had put on herself. Changed and with the bulk of my equipment tucked away in a military truck, Steve and I said goodbye one last time to Peggy, Howard, and Colonel Phillips.

"Stay with the Captain, and don't wander off." Peggy told me sternly before leaving. I smiled at her and nodded confidently at her.

"Yes ma'am, and everything is going to be okay." I chuckled as I leaned down and reached into my left boot. I pulled out the dagger she had given me and held onto the hilt tightly. "You're technically coming too, Carter." I beamed at her as I put the knife back in its hiding place and Peggy smiled. She hugged me once again and patted my head, and for the second time that day it felt like I had another older sibling watching over me.

"You look after her now, Captain Rogers," Peggy turned to Steve, her voice took on a more authoritative tone and Steve quickly straightened up. "Don't let her too far out of your sight."

"You have my word," Steve nodded curtly. Peggy smiled, and another blush rose on both of their cheeks. I had to bite my lip from giggling at them.

Without another word, Peggy turned and quickly joined the Colonel, who was barking orders at a platoon. Colonel Phillips gave Steve and I a quick backward glance, nodding his own silent goodbye, and then trudged off towards a tent, Peggy behind him.

"You ready to go?" Steve asked as we both climbed into the back of the military truck with our supplies.

"Oh yeah, let's go make Hydra cry!" My excited reply elicited a few mild chuckles from Steve, who patted the side of the truck signaling the driver we were ready.