Chapter 10:

Ten for a Bird You Must Not Miss

I find myself, once again, sitting opposite Serena. It is rather bold of her, considering what happened last time she shared a table with me. Last night, it was meant to be the glorious wedding of Zephyr and I. But for my guests, who waited hour after hour, it was nothing but a disappointment and bewilderment. Neither the bride nor groom turned up, with no explanation as to why. Eventually the guests trickled out the exit, wondering if this were some elaborate prank. They will never know. Without a doubt this will be the final nail in the coffin of my reputation, but I care not. Last night the veil, the mask, was ripped off. The clock struck midnight and the spell was broken. All those years of rubbing elbows with the elite, of pretending to be interested in their dreary lives in order to climb the social ladder, burned to ashes and then those ashes washed away. My entire life has been nothing but one big charade, a dance where the motions exchanged were gossip and favours. The only real, lucid moments were those shared my beloved. I need to find him.

"I brought a peace offering," Serena smiles, breaking my concentration, and presenting a bottle of Barolo on the table, "I mean I can't drink, so it's just for you." I stare at the bottle, then back to her.

"I-I thought we could talk things out… Maybe start rebuilding things," she continues, as if I had asked, "And I spoke to the others, to Gunter and Nooshy, and Meena… I think things will be okay, but you should really go apologise to them later."

I continue to stare. She clears her throat nervously.

"A-and you don't need to worry about me and Zephyr. I-I don't think he ever wants to see you again, but I insisted with him that I'm staying your friend…" She trails off after failing to elicit any response from me. Finally I give in, if only to get her presence away from me.

"And your next step," I speak up, "is to tell me that you'll forgive me."

"I... I already did."

"Oh," I groan, rolling my eyes, "your self-righteousness is unbearable."

"I do forgive you, Cadence. For both our sakes, and for the sake of our friendship."

She pauses, taking a deep breath. She rubs both her hands together.

"I... I want you to know that now, while I still can, I forgive you for everything that you've done. This is the hardest and most painful thing I've ever done in my life but," - she breathes in, pulling back tears – "I do forgive you."

Serena sniffs and wipes away an invisible tear from her eye. Then her smile finally appears, proud of accomplishing the arduous of task forgiving. She tries to laugh, but the air is only lifted from her side.

"Because I... I'm honestly convinced that you're not a bad person, Cadence," she continues. "You're a good bird who just... just made the mistake of doing bad things."

"Do you honestly believe that, after all I've done?"

"Yes." She clears her throat. "Because I believe that... envy, hate, anger, revenge... all of it is such a waste of emotion."

"Even to those that deserve it?"

"I... I don't believe anybody can really deserve to be hated," she says, looking down to her lap and rubbing her hands together. "The bad things people do... We do it because we don't know that they're bad... or because we're scared... or because we want to protect something we love. Those things don't deserve hate. I... I think they deserve understanding, sympathy... and forgiveness."

The two of us remain silent for a long time. Where I expect her to speak, she only blinks as she stares in my eyes. Her brown irises are crystal clear now, made rounder by a small smile curving her cheeks. Despite the constant pauses in her sentences, her eyes have not once trembled.

"Ha!" I shriek, cackling, "And I thought I was the only witch."

Serena is unshaken. "You will please kindly explain yourself."

"Quite," I answer, leaning back in my chair. "So this is your plan, huh? My underestimation of you surprises me. I didn't think you would be this cunning."

"Do you think I have some kind of ulterior motive?"

"Every motive is ulterior, darling." I laugh again. "And the genius of yours lies in its subtlety and its patience. Alright, you forgive me. What happens next? It will be incredibly easy for you, having cleansed your name from my slander. How easy would it be to say, 'Ah, yes, Miss Cadence did try to ruin my life but she couldn't. But I forgive her; after all, I am the all-compassionate, all-merciful saint.' Then what? Having absolved me, I'll be invited to your side as a sign of good faith. And you'll sit on your throne and hide your snicker as everyone else points and laughs at me like the sideshow freak you've turned me into!"

Immediately, I jump to my feet. I grab the wine bottle by the neck and smash its bottom against the table. There is an explosion of red and shattered glass. The liquid spreads across the flat surface. Still holding to the bottle, I point the sharp jagged tip to the eagle.

"Well, guess what!?" I scream in sounds no longer different to that of a foaming, rabid animal. "Your plan won't work because I don't accept your forgiveness! You think I'll let you flaunt your moral superiority over me!? I don't regret anything that I did; and I'll do it again, damn you!"

The sharp jagged point of broken glass still pointed to her throat, Serena leaps to her feet towards me. The chair behind her crashes backwards in the sudden movement, yet she herself has not lost her footing. I feel my weapon shaking in my hands as she walks to me. And for once – for this once – I see anger in Serena's eyes. But it is not anger that is hateful. It is an anger that is also a plea, ultimately realized in the way she raised her hand and, resolutely, slapped my face.

The echo of the slash of her hand against my cheek resounds throughout the room's sudden silence. Then, tears in her eyes, she grabs me by shoulders and screams:

"Stop doing this to yourself!" She shouts, at the top of her voice, shaking me by my body to stir my soul awake. "You're my friend! You're not some witch. All this time you were just hurt and confused. You wanted to belong in some place you don't. Because you're a lot better person than this! You deserve some place better. You don't belong among those self-flaunting elitists. You belong with us. This isn't you... This was never you! You're... You're a good bird, Cadence."

My arm comes down to my side. I let go of the bottle and it falls on the floor with one last clink. With my other hand, I reach up and touch the swelling cheek Serena struck. There is no pain, despite the hot stinging sensation. The burn is warm, tender, and heartfelt.

Yes, I don't belong to them, I admit, they belonged to me.

I do not know when or, more so, why I start tearing up. Nothing in Serena's action –even that slap – could have elicited a tear drop from my eyes. But perhaps, rather, it is in her words that affected me so: for her to still be able to say that I am 'a good bird' – after all I have done and everything I threatened to do – shows an optimism so beautiful that it cannot be anything else but naive.

"Your conscience misguides you, Serena," I find myself saying. "We both know that I'm guilty, that I am beyond forgiveness. And, for this whole mess, the only mistake that I made is that I didn't succeed... Even now, if you had died, then I would not hesitate to throw my life away in order to steal yours. The only reason why I am standing here – and you, there – is because I have failed."

"I refuse to believe you." Serena shakes her head.

"Zephyr did. He felt it, the second after he first had me... and that's why he kept coming back." I press my hands against my chest. "Do you know why Zephyr cheated on you?"

"I never thought it was my place to know."

"You're still so young, Serena," I say, as a compliment, smiling a little. "Zephyr went to me because he loved you so much. He loved you so much that he spared you the desecration of an act which he inflicted upon me. For him, you were too pure to be defiled by his touch. And in your place, he put me there. He pitied me. I have received from him nothing but his worst, and to you he has given nothing but the best of himself. You see, Zephyr had me – all of me – but, not once, have I ever had him. Now, all that I am is the faults he poured into me."

She remains quiet for a time. Then, responds: "I still refuse to believe it."

"That Zephyr never loved me?"

"No. That you're beyond forgiveness."

"Look back at the mess I have left behind and tell me if there has ever been a desire for me to right my wrongs."

She says, aloud, "If that's so, then why did you cry out for help?"

Cry out? I want to ask. I do not answer.

…Buster, I suddenly realise. I forgot about his and Serena's friendship.

"You were already at the top," she explains. "You could've had everything you wanted. Why did you abandon the wedding and throw everything away if–"

"Get out of here." I interrupt, calmly.

"No!" she shouts, shaking her head. "I... I heard it from Buster. He came to me, to tell me to go back to Zephyr. That you had begged him to stop you, before you finally stopped yourself, so you could go back to Klaus. And your friends. Because you're not rotten to the core, there is good in you, it's just buried under years of… bitterness and loneliness."

I turn away from her. There is no place to run. No place I can hide myself in, except in words:

"Do me one last act of kindness and get out. I don't care what happens any more: Believe whatever you want, but just... just get out of here." I turn to the window, away from her. It takes a few minutes of silence before I hear the shuffle and footsteps, indicating she has left.

I remain standing here, for an hour almost, watching out the window as the earth and sky whirls above me, long after she is gone. Somewhere in my imagination I expect for the curtains to have fallen over the theatrics of this melodrama. But life is not so merciful, perhaps. My story has ended, but I am left to carry the burden of my character's sin to the sidelines where nobody will see.

I knew I would find him here, and no place else, if not in his studio. Sitting there at a table, alone, at the Crystal Tower cocktail bar, is my Klaus. He sits, slumped, brooding over several empty ice cream glasses. Dark rings under his eyes tell me he hasn't slept properly in some time. He looks haggard and… sad. He needs to know that none of this, not one thing, was his fault. Given the late hour, there aren't many patrons around, and those that are here are likely already inebriated. I don't know many animals who would come to a cocktail bar at this time only to eat dessert, I smile, but it makes me love him all the more. I take a deep breath to steady myself and approach.

What is the first thing I should say? Should I be apologetic and say, 'I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through?' Something funny like, 'You've been here all this time?' Or something like, 'The blame is all mine?'

Or something honest: 'I love you,' I'll say. 'I want to marry you.'

But as I find myself suddenly sitting opposite him, I know that all those words that I mean to say have already been said simply by being here. I can feel his gaze weighing down on me, so I speak first and fast, before he gets a chance.

"Klaus I… I just want to say that I'm so sorry for absolutely everything. From our first night I haven't treated you how you deserve. I just wanted to say that nothing was your fault, I'm the one who did everything wrong. A-and I also wanted to say that I-I understand if.. if you don't want to see me again," I squeeze the words out of my constricting throat.

The next few seconds of silence feel like a millennium.

"Cadence, what if I said I want you back?"

"You have no reason to want me back. How do you know I didn't just use you no differently than how I used the others?"

"Then just tell me!" he yells. "Tell me right now that everything we had together was fake and you can leave. Just tell me that you didn't love me for real. Go on, say it!"

I cannot speak another word. The unwanted memories knock on the threshold of my mind. The sunny mornings made brighter each time we wake up in the other's embrace. Our afternoons spent going to the theatre and enjoying each other's company. Our nights together where passionately, physically, declare our love. Can I lie to myself and to Klaus that all those smiles and laughter and kisses are unreal? I ask myself. Can I get away with denying something so true, so evident? No. I cannot deny it.

"You see, Cadence?" he says, responding to my thoughts. He smiles. "You did love me."

"I... I still do," I confess. "I love you more than anything."

"See?" He is triumphant.

"Klaus, do you even know what I've done? What I've really done? I seduced Zephyr. Granted, it was when we were just friends, but he was newly married to Serena, and I lured him to my bed. You want to know why I was really crying on our first night? Because Zephyr rejected me. And then, after our first time together, he came to me for sex, and I let it happen. And remember that time my home got broken into? It was Zephyr again, this time forcing himself upon me brutally. I attacked Serena out of jealousy. I forced Zephyr to leave her. I broke up with you. I forced Zephyr to fake-marry me. I've burned just about every bridge I've ever built. All for the stupid dream of a stupid kid. You will really take me back, knowing all this? You might say yes now, that it's fine, but eventually it will fester in your mind. You'll begin to doubt me, to wonder if I ever really did cheat on you with Zephyr. I'll reassure you that I didn't, and I'll cry at night that you would even think so. And you'll lie there, awake, haunted by thoughts of what irredeemable sin have you committed to have deserved to live a life like this. And there – right there, Klaus! – that will be our future! That's what's in store for you. Now, do you still want it!?"

When I tear away the tears from my eyes, gasping for air, my vision clears and I am once again returned from the world of my morbid imaginings to reality. Klaus is still there, silent, taking it all in.

And with all the earnest sincerity, the seriousness, and the honesty one can muster, against the revelation, the warning, and the risk of losing everything else, Klaus answers: "If it means we'll be together... then yes. That is what I want."

And what more can I say to a devotion to love of that kind? No words can convince him otherwise. Just as no words can stray me from the only path to him. It becomes apparent then that neither of us will yield our love to the other.

"You... You know I can't let you do that to yourself," I choke out. "Just... forget about me. Go live the rest of your life and find yourself another monkey or something. Find someone who'll make you happy."

"Well, what do you think I'm doing?" he asks, frowning.

I blink.

"Cadence," he says, almost pleading now. "You're far from the only one who wants a happy ending. But I promise that for us, it won't be just a dream."

"Don't make promises you can't keep."

"I can keep this one," he says. "Because I know you will too, right? I know the look in somebody's eye when they're so full of regret that the only thing they want is to make up for it; I know because I've felt that too. And I think I know why you did those things. You did those things because you knew you only have one life to live, and if it's your only life then you'd do anything to make sure it's the best life possible. But it didn't work, because you were wrong. And you're wrong to think that you haven't got another chance."

"I... I can't," I say. "Somebody who did what I did doesn't deserve another chance."

"Alright, enough with the dramatics and the pity party! Of course you do. I got one, after what I did to Johnny… and the students before him."

"Klaus, that is really not the same thing."

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. And maybe we've got a lot to work through. You remember my saying? 'Only when we suffer, can we be great', and we… we can be great Cadence, because we've suffered, and it makes us stronger. If you've got to prove that you've changed and you're a better person now, well I'll be right there doing the same. And if nobody approves of us then... then to hell with them. Let's prove them wrong. I just…"

There are no words from me, nor any action to pass off as a response.

He raises from his seat. He marches towards me, closing the distance between us.

"Stay back," I say, voice trembling with an uncertainty he can no doubt sense. "Don't come any closer."

As I try to shield myself with my hands, he takes them in his own. He kisses my forehead, then I allow him to pull me up out of my seat so that he may kiss my lips.

Are people looking? Let them.

I wish I could squirm away from the warmth of his hold, of the gentleness of his kiss; I want to – but I just can't. I find myself once again in that trance of tranquillity, that only the security of love – of true love – can provide. That the pursuit of one's longing is all true and honest and without risk. That this is the true fairy tale happily-ever-after I have always sought.

And what more can anyone want – and should want – than this?

He pulls back, and all I can see is enough for me: his smile, lovely and meek, promising and fulfilling... and, most of all, happy.

I lean forward, wrapping my wings around his shoulders, and secure him now and forever in my embrace.