Chapter Twenty-five: Lose it all
Speed closed the door to his apartment, making sure that he locked it. He couldn't believe what a day it had been. The tip on Hagen had gone nowhere which left them all frustrated. With each passing day it grew less and less likely that they would be able to find the detective alive. This militia group really had it in for the local law enforcement, something they'd proven by torturing and killing someone who helped raise funds for cops and firefighters and paramedics. He hated to think what they could be doing to an actual member of the police force. It turned his stomach, and he didn't even really know Hagen all that well. It didn't matter to him, though, because Hagen had always been a good detective. Not to mention, he had his share of demons and kept going strong. Speed liked knowing that he wasn't the only one in the lab that had to fight through the darkness of the day just to find a ray of sunlight that lasted a few hours or less. Oddly enough the simple realization that he wasn't alone in the dark kept him fighting even though he felt he was losing the battle.
In the kitchen he got himself a glass of water. Sitting by the sink were three bottles of medication. He popped the tops off two of them and fished out the recommended dosage. As he chased the pills down with water he wondered how much longer he would have to be on them. And how much longer he could resist the third bottle. The sleeping pills had been prescribed to him a few weeks back but he'd yet to give in and take one. He was afraid of getting addicted to them and that was the last thing that he ever wanted. Drugs never solved the problem; they helped to numb the pain, like alcohol. He left the glass in the sink and wandered back into the living room where he found Mite sleeping on the couch. He liked having the dog around because it kept the apartment from feeling too empty. There was no telling what he might have done if he was left alone for too long.
Just as he was about to settle on the couch there was a knock at the door. He debated whether or not it was worth answering. The visitor knocked again, harder. Speed walked toward the door. There was a baseball bat propped beside a bookshelf that he'd put there his first day out of the hospital. It gave him a sense of comfort. He knew that other officers would commonly go to the door with their guns in hand but he was well aware of how dangerous that could be. A baseball bat wouldn't bypass its target and head down the hall, piercing a wall and potentially harming someone else. He had more control over the bat than he did over a bullet. The visitor knocked a third time before he got to the door.
"Who is it?" he asked, his hand brushing the wood of the bat.
"It's me, open up," Delko called.
Speed closed his eyes, wishing that he'd just ignored the knocking. But it was too late now so he popped the lock and opened the door. Leaving the door open a crack he went back to the couch and plopped down beside Mite. "What can I do for you?"
"I wanted to talk," Delko said as he came inside. He made sure to close and lock the door behind him before he went over to the couch. He sat on the coffee table, his mind going back to the last time he'd been in Speed's apartment.
"Let me guess…you want to talk about us," Speed stated more than he asked. "Why can't you let this matter drop?"
"Because I love you and you haven't given me a straight answer one way or the other," Delko replied. He places his elbows on his legs and leaned slightly forward.
"So what you're telling me is that if I say 'no' you'll leave me alone?" hazard Speed.
Delko shook his head. "Not a chance."
"Why not?"
"Because it would be a lie and you know it," Delko said. "What is it that keeps you from letting me in, Speed?"
Speed looked away, crossing his arms over his chest in a defensive manor. He really didn't want to go down this road; he didn't want to relive his past. But he had to or Delko would never leave him alone about it. "You really want to know?"
"It would be nice…"
He let out a deep sigh. "Fine. Back when I lived in New York I had this friend," he began. "We were like most young boys growing up, getting into trouble and causing mischief. We were inseparable. At one point we even discussed going to college together and having careers together. It wasn't until we were teens that we realized that there was more to the friendship, that we…loved each other. Of course, at that age we didn't really know what love was but we did know that we cared deeply for one another. That knowledge didn't really change anything. We still spent a lot of time together."
When he paused, Delko thought about interrupting him but knew that doing so could risk ending the conversation. He could see a slight far away gaze in his friend's eyes, wondering if maybe he'd finally pushed things too far. After a moment Speed continued.
"One day we were out having fun and there was this accident," his voice broke. Delko could see the glisten of unshed tears. "My friend ended up paralyzed. Everything changed after that moment. I still loved him and though he didn't show it as often I knew he still loved me. After the accident I gave up my studies to pursue medicine in hopes of finding a way to help him, to maybe give him back some of his mobility….A year went by and I wasn't getting any closer but we were. We were living together, talking about buying a house…" Speed stopped talking, the tears finally breaking free.
Delko reached out and placed a comforting hand on Speed's knee. He didn't want his friend to go through this anymore but it was too late, the old wounds were already open. "What happened?"
Speed drew in a deep breath. "Two years after the accident he…died while in surgery. For the longest time I refused to believe that he was gone. But eventually I couldn't live the lie anymore. I dropped out of college and sold all our stuff. I left home without saying anything to my parents. Eventually I ended up staying with my uncle here in the state. One thing led to another and I got a job with the lab under Megan working with Horatio."
Having finally heard the story behind the pain Delko realized what he'd been doing. He also knew what he had to do. "Speed, just because things went bad the first time doesn't mean history will repeat itself. You can't be afraid to fall in love the rest of your life or you won't really be living. Think about him, think what he would want for you; do you think he'd want you to suffer every day because he couldn't stay?"
Speed said nothing.
"I promise never to leave you, Speed. You think that you may have lost everything but you're still here and that tells me that you still hold onto hope. You still believe that there's a chance your heart will heal. The only problem is that you won't let it," Delko said lovingly. "Open your heart to the world and live again, Tim. Don't let the memories of the past drag you down…"