Chapter Thirty-three: Everyone

When morning rolled around he felt a lingering sense of dread around him. After talking with Horatio, who made sure that he was truly okay, he'd headed home. He hadn't bothered going back into the room knowing that H could tell the agent whatever it was that he needed. That meant that his friends were going to be full of questions. How many times would he heart the same phrase when he got to work; are you okay? Of course he wasn't okay and he knew it. Something inside of him was cracking, slowly, painfully. How long before he finally lost his mind and they locked him away so that he couldn't hurt anyone or himself? He massaged the back of his neck as he set foot outside his apartment, attempting to wash away the unpleasant thoughts so that maybe he could have a somewhat normal day at work. But all that went right out the window when he turned to close the door to his apartment. He could feel the blood draining from his face, the pace of his heart increasing. A tremble began in his hand, one that he'd been trying so hard to hide from everyone. He could feel the tightening in his chest as the panic attack started to gain a foothold on his body. He could not do this, not here, not now. And yet he remained frozen in place, every horrible moment rushing back into his brain like some macabre movie made especially for him.

"Mr. Speedle?" someone said. He knew the voice; it was one of his neighbors, the older Hispanic man that lived two doors down. He had been the guy to help Speed get a basic grasp of Spanish and in exchange Speed had made sure that his apartment was a secure as possible. "Mr. Speedle are you okay?" the guy asked as he walked down the hall somewhat slowly.

Speed fell to the floor, his legs giving out on him, his hands to his head. He didn't want to be here anymore. He wanted to erase the image from his mind and be free of the pictures that haunted him. He may have let out a strangled cry, he wasn't sure. But he heard the sound of someone dialing a phone, heard them talking, but as far as he was concerned the world was all inside his mind, the horrible images dragging him down into the abyss…

--

"Tim?" he heard. "Timothy, wake up. Come on, open your eyes."

He swam up from the depths, his eyes fluttering open to find Horatio gazing down at him. When had he ended up on his back? He remembered falling to his knees but after that…everything was blank up until now, until this very moment. Feeling slightly foolish and a little weak he tried to sit up, Horatio giving him a hand so that he was propped back against the wall. It would have been a sign of strength if he stood but he knew that he just couldn't, he just…Looking around he saw Delko a little further down the hallway talking to Mr. Gonzales, his neighbor. At one point Delko glanced in his direction and that was all Speed needed. The worry was so evident in his friend's eyes that it made him feel guilty; why, he didn't know.

"Are you feeling okay? No pain anywhere?" his boss asked.

He directed his gaze back to Horatio, wanting to forget that look on Delko's face. "No…no pain." At least this time he wasn't lying. The only pain he felt was mental, nothing physical. "Did you…?"

Horatio nodded. "Bagged and in my pocket for safe keeping. Do you think you stand? I'd like to have you accompany us back to the lab. I'm not comfortable with the idea of leaving you here."

Speed actually felt himself crack the slightest of smiles. "Can't say that I blame you. Right now, I don't even want to be here and it's my home."

"Come on," Horatio said as he stood, holding out his hand to Speed. "Let's get you on your feet and see how stable you are."

Taking his friend's hand he climbed to his feet, afraid all the while that he was going to end up on the floor once again. But luck was on his side and he managed to remain on his feet, though his legs were the tiniest bit wobbly. "Thanks."

Horatio studied him with those pale blue eyes. "I'm worried about you, Tim."

He held up his hand. "Can we…please leave this until later? I just…please."

--

The ride to the lab was a very uncomfortable, quiet one. He sat in the back so that he wouldn't feel like Delko was watching him. That would have been unnerving. At least this way he could contemplate what had happened without them noticing how unsure of himself he felt. Why couldn't he remember everything that had happened? He closed the door to his apartment, saw that horrible thing and fell to his knees…that's all that he could remember. Vaguely he recalled Mr. Gonzales asking him if he was okay but after that it was all a blur, nothing but black fog. For some reason that deeply troubled him. Was he finally losing his mind? Maybe spending some time in lock-up wouldn't be so bad…Horatio pulled into a spot reserved for him, one that he so very rarely used and the three of them climbed out of the Hummer. The group walked sullenly into the lab, Speed hesitating by a step or two, afraid to walk into one of the places he felt most at home in. Lately nowhere felt right to him. He was looking for a safe place only to find that none of them would protect him anymore. It was a scary realization. Horatio directed them to one of the conference rooms and left the two of them there saying he wanted to round up the others. Speed thought about walking away to check on the test that he had started the night before. Anything would be better than sitting in a room alone with Delko. When had spending time with his friend become so hard?

He plopped into one of the empty chairs, crossed his arms over his chest. Expecting Delko to start talking he was surprised when his friend went and stood by the window with his hands in his pockets, his back to Speed. An awkward silence quickly settled over the room, suffocating him. Just as he was about to get up because he couldn't take it anymore the door opened and in walked Calleigh, deep in conversation with Alexx. They were talking about her kids. However, the conversation died when they noticed him. They knew, they all probably knew about his little melt down. He was falling apart at the seams and they were judging him. How could they do that having never been in his place? None of them had ever been shot. None of them had ever been so close to losing their life…how could they stare at him like he was a freak? He knew that he was being irrational; they weren't staring at him because he was a freak. That wasn't why their conversation had died. No, the lack of talking could be attributed to the oppressing silence between two men who were usually so close. Just further proof that he was falling apart.

A few minutes later Horatio came back with Ryan and Jake. In his hand was a clear plastic evidence bag. Speed turned away, not wanting to see the contents. He could already feel his head swimming.

"What's this all about, Horatio?" Calleigh asked in her sweet as honey Southern drawl.

In response to the question their boss dropped the bag on the table. "This was found this morning tapped to Speed's door."

Speed didn't look at anyone, didn't say anything. He already knew what was in the bag and really didn't want to look at it again. Calleigh inhaled sharply, a little whimper escaping her. Speed closed his eyes and there it was in the forefront of his mind, vivid as ever. A Polaroid shot of Detective Hagen all bloody and bruised. It was hard to tell whether or not he was still alive in the photo. There was so much blood…he felt the shiver course down his spine and did nothing to stop it. The picture had been gruesome. He worked with Hagen so the photo was more personal than any he'd ever taken himself of a crime scene. Crime scene…he didn't like thinking of it as a crime scene.

"They….they left this on the door to Speed's apartment?" Alexx said, making no attempt to hide the fear in her voice. "That means they know where he lives. They probably knew where we all live. Horatio…"

"I know. It's not a comforting thought. From now on nobody is to leave the lab alone," he said. "And that's an order. Everyone will have a buddy. And for extra measure that buddy will stay over. This was a direct message, a sign that they know when we are at our most vulnerable. I do not want anyone alone. Calleigh, you and Alexx can bunk together. Jake, you're with Ryan. Speed, Delko, that leaves the two of you."

"We have to catch these sonavabitches," remarked Jake somewhat angrily.

"And we will," Horatio promised. "We will."